Many Christians believe men should take the initiative to make the first move, but it isn’t a hard biblical rule, and plenty of healthy, God-honouring relationships start the other way round. What matters far more than who speaks first is that both people act with intention, respect and honesty.
In short: There’s no single “right” answer written in scripture. Christian tradition often encourages men to take initiative, but women expressing interest is biblical too (see Ruth). The real question isn’t who moves first — it’s whether you’re moving with prayer, clarity and care for the other person.
Does the Bible say who should make the first move?
Not directly. The Bible offers principles for how we treat each other in relationships, rather than a rulebook for who asks whom out first.
Some Christian traditions point to passages like Ephesians 5, which talks about husbands leading their households, and read this as encouragement for men to take initiative in relationships generally. Other traditions read headship passages quite differently, or place far less weight on gender roles in dating specifically. Both readings exist within the wide, denominationally diverse family that makes up the Christian faith today.
What most traditions agree on is this: leadership, however you understand it, is never about dominance. It’s about serving the other person well, leading with humility, and genuinely wanting what’s best for them — not about who gets to call the shots.
In short: Scripture doesn’t settle the “who goes first” question definitively. Different Christian traditions land differently on this, and both are valid within the wider church.
Can women make the first move?
Absolutely — and there’s biblical precedent for it. In the Book of Ruth, Ruth takes the initiative with Boaz, and her actions are portrayed as courageous and wise, not improper.
Expressing interest as a woman doesn’t mean taking over or reversing roles — it simply means being open, warm, and willing to let someone know you’re glad to hear from them. Sometimes that looks like a thoughtful reply to a message, starting a conversation, or simply showing up in a space — a Table event, a church group, or a dating app — where you’re approachable and present.
In short: Women making the first move has biblical precedent (Ruth) and doesn’t compromise anyone’s values. Openness and initiative aren’t the same thing as pursuit — both can look different and still be healthy.
Practical tips for making the first move well
Whoever moves first, here’s what tends to make the difference between a first move that lands well and one that feels awkward or pushy:
- Pray about it first. Before you pursue anyone, take a moment to seek God’s peace about it.
- Know your why. Are you genuinely interested in getting to know this person, or just looking for something to do?
- Look for shared values, not just shared interests — faith and character matter more long-term.
- Start with genuine curiosity, not a script. A specific comment on something in their profile lands better than a generic “hey”.
- Be honest, not pushy. State your interest clearly and let them respond in their own time.
- Choose the right moment. Timing matters as much as wording, whether you’re messaging on an app or talking in person.
- Respect their answer. If it’s a no, accept it graciously and move on — that’s part of dating with dignity.
- Be confident, not arrogant. Confidence invites connection; arrogance closes it down.
- Guard your heart. Stay wise and grounded, even when you’re excited.
- Communicate clearly rather than leaving things ambiguous — most awkwardness in dating comes from unclear signals, not from who spoke first.
In short: A good first move isn’t about gender — it’s about praying it through, being honest about your intentions, and respecting the other person’s response either way.
What if someone makes the first move with you?
Being on the receiving end of interest can feel just as nerve-wracking as initiating it. If someone reaches out and you’re not interested, a kind, clear “no thank you” is always kinder than silence. If you are interested, there’s no rule that says you have to play it cool — responding warmly is allowed.
In short: However you experience it — initiating or receiving — the goal is always the same: honest, respectful communication that treats the other person as a whole human being, not a maybe.
FAQs
Should a Christian man always make the first move? No — there’s no biblical rule requiring this. Many Christian traditions encourage men to take initiative, but it isn’t a command, and plenty of strong relationships start with the woman reaching out first.
Is it unbiblical for a woman to make the first move? No. Ruth’s pursuit of Boaz in the Book of Ruth is a biblical example of a woman taking initiative, and it’s portrayed positively.
What does the Bible actually say about who should pursue whom? The Bible doesn’t give explicit dating instructions on this. It offers broader principles — humility, honesty, love and respect — that apply to whoever moves first.
What’s the most common reason a first move goes badly? Usually unclear intentions or a lack of respect for the other person’s response, rather than the fact that someone moved first at all.
How can Christian singles meet people to make a first move with in the first place? Apps like SALT connect single Christians who share similar values and faith backgrounds, making it easier to know you’re both approaching things from the same place before you take that first step.
Making the first move — whichever side of it you’re on — is a lot less daunting when you already know the person shares your faith. SALT connects single Christians looking to meet, date and build real relationships with others who want to keep God at the centre too. Download SALT today and see who’s waiting to hear from you.
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