Christian dating dealbreakers can either protect you or hold you back. The ones worth dropping rule people out before we’ve even met them. Someone’s past. Their denomination. The height listed on their profile. Having standards is wise, and every Christian should know what matters to them. But some of our non-negotiables say more about fear, church culture or an old mental checklist than about what makes a godly, lasting relationship.
TL;DR
- Good Christian dating dealbreakers protect your faith, your values and your safety. They shouldn’t narrow the field for no good reason.
- Four are worth rethinking: divorce, sexual history, denomination, and height or weight.
- Each one deserves an honest conversation, not an automatic “no”.
- Some are worth keeping: shared faith, core values, and anything that affects your safety.
What are Christian dating dealbreakers?
Christian dating dealbreakers are qualities or circumstances that end a relationship before it starts. They’re different from preferences. A preference is something you’d like. A dealbreaker is something you won’t move on.
Some dealbreakers are healthy. If you’re a Christian looking for marriage, dating someone who shares your faith matters. So does feeling safe and respected. The trouble comes when preferences quietly harden into rules, and those rules filter out people God might want you to meet.
In short: Dealbreakers are fine. The question is whether yours are protecting what matters or just keeping good people out.
Why do some Christian dating dealbreakers hold us back?
Most dealbreakers have a story behind them. Some grow out of past hurt. Others come from things we absorbed in youth group, from what our friends expect, or from comparing ourselves to couples we admire. Dating apps can make it worse. When you can see details at a glance, it’s tempting to rule people out in seconds.
Scripture offers a helpful reminder here. When Samuel went looking for Israel’s next king, God told him not to judge by appearance, because God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). That doesn’t mean attraction or circumstances don’t matter. It means we should hold our first impressions loosely.
In short: Many dealbreakers come from fear, habit or culture rather than conviction. It’s worth asking where yours came from.
1. “I won’t date someone who’s divorced”
Divorce is painful, and it’s natural to feel cautious. But ruling out everyone who’s divorced means ruling out people for reasons you know nothing about. Some people didn’t choose their divorce. Their spouse left, was unfaithful or was abusive. Many have done deep healing work since, and they often bring real wisdom and humility into a new relationship.
Christians hold a range of views on remarriage after divorce. That’s a genuine theological conversation, and it’s right to take it seriously. So rather than an automatic “no”, take time to understand your own convictions and their story.
A few questions that can help, once you’ve got to know each other:
- What happened, and how do they talk about it now?
- What have they learnt about themselves?
- What support have they had to heal, such as counselling or church community?
- Do they have children, and what does co-parenting look like?
If you’re unsure what your tradition teaches, talk to a pastor or church leader you trust.
For more on this, read Should I date again after divorce?.
In short: A divorce is part of someone’s story, not the whole of it. Understand the circumstances and your own convictions before you decide.
2. “I won’t date someone who isn’t a virgin”
Waiting for marriage is a beautiful commitment. If you’ve made it, it’s completely understandable to hope your future spouse has too. But making virginity a dealbreaker can shut the door on people who love Jesus and share your convictions today.
The gospel is good news for people with a past. Grace means our history doesn’t define us. It’s also worth remembering that for some people, their sexual history wasn’t their choice. A blanket rule can land very painfully on someone who has already carried a lot.
What matters more is where someone is now. Ask yourself:
- Do they share your convictions about sex and marriage today?
- Do they respect the boundaries you set together?
- Can you both talk honestly about the past without shame?
If someone doesn’t share your views about sex before marriage now, that’s a real values conversation. It isn’t about their past. It’s about your future together.
This isn’t a first-date topic. It’s a conversation for when things are getting serious and you both feel safe to be open. If you find this hard to navigate, it’s OK to talk it through with a trusted friend, mentor or pastor first.
You might also find these helpful: Physical Boundaries for Christian Relationships: How Far is Too Far? and Sex in Christian Relationships: Why It’s For Marriage.
In short: Focus on someone’s convictions now, not their history. Shared values about the future matter more than a clean record.
3. “I won’t date someone from a different denomination”
Denomination shapes a lot. It can affect how you worship, how you understand baptism and communion, and where you’d go to church as a couple. Those differences deserve honest conversations, and some couples find them significant.
But ruling out whole traditions can mean missing someone who loves Jesus deeply and wants the same things you do. It helps to separate core beliefs from secondary ones. Who Jesus is, the gospel, and the authority of Scripture sit at the centre for most Christians. Worship style or church structure often sit further out.
Some conversations worth having as things develop:
- Where would you worship together?
- How would you raise children in the faith?
- Which differences feel like preferences, and which feel like convictions?
Some traditions have specific guidance on marrying across denominations. If that applies to you, speak to your church leader early.
Read more in Inter-denominational relationships: navigating real differences.
In short: Know the difference between what’s central to your faith and what’s secondary. Many cross-denominational couples build strong, faith-filled marriages.
4. “They have to be a certain height or weight”
Let’s be honest: attraction matters. It isn’t shallow to want to be attracted to the person you date. But a number on a profile can’t tell you much about how you’ll feel sitting across from someone. It can’t capture their laugh, their kindness or the way they light up talking about something they love.
For many people, attraction grows as they get to know someone. And bodies change over a lifetime through age, illness, pregnancy and simply life. A strict height or weight rule can filter out people you’d genuinely click with.
On SALT, height sits alongside other basic information badges such as denomination. Try not to let a single badge make the decision for you. Read the whole profile and the answers to the profile questions. You’ll learn far more.
A simple test: would you want someone to give you a chance based on a single detail?
For more on this, read Attraction: Is it important in Christian dating?.
In short: Attraction is real and it matters. But it’s often built through connection, not decided by a number.
Other dealbreakers worth a second look
These four aren’t the only ones. A few more are worth reconsidering:
- They already have children. Single parents often bring maturity, patience and a clear sense of priorities. Read Christian dating as a single parent: practical advice.
- The age gap feels too big. A few years either way can matter less than shared values and life stage. Read Age Gap in Christian Relationships.
- They live too far away. Distance brings real challenges, but it isn’t always a barrier. Read Long-distance Christian relationships: how to make them work.
- You differ on politics. Some differences run deep, others less so. Read Politics and Dating: Are Differing Views a Dealbreaker?
In short: Circumstances like children, age or distance are worth discussing, not dismissing.
Which Christian dating dealbreakers should you keep?
Dropping some dealbreakers doesn’t mean dropping all of them. Some are there to protect you, and they’re worth holding firmly.
Shared faith. If you want a Christ-centred marriage, dating someone who shares your faith matters.
Core values. Honesty, kindness, and agreement on big life questions such as marriage and children.
Safety and respect. Controlling behaviour, dishonesty, pressure to cross your boundaries, or any form of abuse should always be dealbreakers.
In short: Keep the dealbreakers that protect your faith, your values and your safety. Rethink the rest.
How to rethink your Christian dating dealbreakers
If you’d like to review your own list, try this:
- Write your dealbreakers down. Seeing them on paper helps.
- Ask where each one came from. Is it a conviction, a past hurt, or something you picked up along the way?
- Sort them. Put each one under faith, values, safety or preference.
- Pray about them. Ask God to show you where you might be holding on too tightly.
- Talk to someone you trust. A good friend often sees what we can’t.
- Stay open early on. One conversation or video call isn’t a commitment. It’s a chance to learn more.
In short: Reviewing your dealbreakers isn’t lowering your standards. It’s making sure they’re the right ones.
Frequently asked questions
What are the most common Christian dating dealbreakers?
Common Christian dating dealbreakers include a different faith, a past divorce, sexual history, denomination, and physical preferences such as height. Some, like shared faith, are worth keeping. Others are worth reviewing before you rule someone out.
Is it wrong to have dealbreakers as a Christian?
No. Healthy dealbreakers help you date with intention and protect what matters most. The key is making sure they’re rooted in faith, values and safety rather than fear or habit.
Should Christians date someone who is divorced?
Many Christians do, and many build strong marriages. Christians hold different views on remarriage, so take time to understand the person’s story and your own convictions. A pastor or church leader you trust can help you think it through.
Does it matter if someone isn’t a virgin?
It’s understandable to care about this, especially if you’ve chosen to wait. But what matters most is whether you share convictions about sex and marriage now. Grace means someone’s past doesn’t define their future.
Can Christians from different denominations date?
Yes. Many couples from different traditions date and marry. Talk honestly about worship, church life and raising children. Some traditions have specific guidance, so check with your church leader if that applies to you.
Is it shallow to care about height or weight?
Wanting to feel attracted to someone isn’t shallow. But attraction often grows as you get to know a person. Try not to let a single detail rule someone out before you’ve had a conversation.
What’s the difference between a red flag and a dealbreaker?
A red flag is a warning sign in someone’s behaviour, such as dishonesty or control. A dealbreaker is anything you’ve decided you won’t accept. Red flags should always be taken seriously. Other dealbreakers are worth reviewing from time to time.
Meet Christians who share what matters most
The right Christian dating dealbreakers help you focus on what really counts: faith, values and character. SALT is the largest independent global Christian dating app, with over a million members in more than 50 countries. It’s free to download, match and chat, so you can get to know people beyond the checklist.
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