In this blog post we discuss the importance of involving your community in dating to help you make wise decisions, be supported and have accountability.

TL;DR: The Summary

Do you think it’s okay to date within your community, or should you keep your budding romance to yourself until it’s serious? How much is too much information to share? When do you share? Within the first few months of dating or until you two decide to be exclusive. A lot of questions and let’s be honest, there are no hard-set rules on how, but we can create a few Christian dating guidelines.

1. Share your standards openly
2. Involve a mentor or couple you admire
3. Regular check-ins with friends
4. Double dates or group settings
5. Be honest about your dating journey

Again, you don’t have to tell everything happening in your relationship. Even in marriage, there are boundaries that you’ll need, even with well-meaning loved ones. However, let’s not forget that who you choose to marry is crucial. While you two will be creating a new family unit, they are coming into your family and inner circle. Apart from strained relationships, they are going to interact with your best friends, parents, and anyone else you care about. So, keeping your friends and family out of it is not the best way. So how do you do this?

Intro

“I want you to meet my mom, my dad, my best friend Holly, my brother Jeff, my cousin Susan, and don’t forget my Uncle Fred, who’s parking the car outside.” I’m sure you’ve seen those movies and TV shows where usually the woman brings her entire tribe to meet her potential suitor—on the first date. You must have compassion for the poor guy because he’s sweating bullets in his chair and overwhelmed thinking “it’s only the first date.” He wonders will he make it out of the place alive or will the father find him guilty of trying to pursue his daughter.

jThen there’s the other extreme where people keep their relationships hidden in Christian dating. There’s the misconception that they know what they want and don’t need the opinions of others. Sadly, they miss the blind spots that they have as opposed to having a trusted circle give their input on their relationship. Yes, some family and friends go too far and unfortunately some relationships never make past the first ninety days. However, if there is something toxic in the relationship, loved ones can point out the flaws in love. Not to control, but to give warning. 

Share your standards openly

“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Proverbs 15:22, NIV).

Most Christian singles don’t always want to involve family in dating because that’s where they feel the most pressure. They keep hearing from loved ones “When are you going to get married,” “you’re not getting any younger,” and “I’d like grandbabies before I die.” Some would rather not talk about it at all because it’s too painful. They have no answers, especially if they’re joining Christian dating websites and apps. How do you explain why you’re still single when you know you’re putting yourself out there?

Who to share with

So yes, it’s uncomfortable sometimes to talk about your love life with family and friends, but isolating isn’t helpful either. The Bible tells us that we can succeed with many advisers. Does this require discernment? Yes. Can you be selective about how much you share? Yes. If your mother is not the best person to talk to, how about your best friend? You may not open your heart out to your sister, but what about your pastor at your church? The point is, having Godly dating advice can help you discern your growing relationship.

How soon to share

How soon should you share? You can tell friends that you’re meeting someone for coffee or dinner, so they know you’re safe in a public place. What shouldn’t you do? Tell your friends that you think you met your spouse. How about instead saying “I met someone interesting and we’re getting to know each other. Keep me in prayer as I ask God to lead me in the right direction.” Set the standard so you’re not rushing, and your inner circle keeps you focused.

Involve a mentor or couple you admire

For some Christian singles, being around married couples is a painful reminder of what they don’t have. In the worst cases, some get offended thinking “They’re married so they don’t understand what I’m going through.” It’s hard for some to take Christian dating advice from a couple who got married right out of high school and you’re approaching your fortieth birthday—still single. How can they possibly understand when you’ve spent your adult life being single and they’ve been married for twenty years already?

Still, allowing godly couples into your life can bring encouragement. Remember, anyone that’s married used to be single. Sure, they may not have been single as long as you, but that doesn’t mean that God can’t speak through them to support you. Is it possible that we’re missing out from married couples because our feelings have taken over, thinking they don’t understand? Are your feelings valid, absolutely, but what message does God want to get through to you even if it’s from someone you don’t expect?

My story

I recall a powerful conversation I heard from a married couple when I was a single woman. They were talking about the purpose of marriage and the lessons they’d learned. While some were in the chat saying, “here goes another married couple trying to lecture singles,” but I took their words to heart. I remember hearing the wife say that “God will work through your spouse to bring another layer of healing. You can’t marry just anyone since God cares too much about your wellbeing.” I can attest that this is true. While I was doing the work to heal from my past prior to marriage, God works through my husband to help me even more.

I even recall a conversation I had with my father, who’s been married to my mother for forty years, giving me advice prior to marriage. He emphasized me supporting my husband even when I don’t understand everything. Not bashing him when he makes mistakes but calling out the greatness in him. Inviting wisdom from others can help you spot things early on. Is it a fool proof method? No. Will your relationship unfold like your parents’ or mentors’ marriage? No, but not being defensive and willing to listen, God may give you the comfort that you’re looking for.

Married couples need singles and singles need married couples. There’s no need for us to feel like we can’t merge our lives together because we’re in different seasons of life. Couples can pray and encourage the Christian singles in their dating life, while singles can glean from the wisdom of those who’ve met their godly spouse.

Regular check-ins with friends

It’s easy to get excited about a new romance. If you’re not careful, you can imagine the person as your spouse before you’ve even started officially dating. It’s understandable, especially if you’ve been single for a long time. It’s easy to think this person is “the one,” but having regular check-ins with friends can help keep you centered. They can ask important questions to bring you back to reality. “Do you know their family background?” “What are their goals in life?” “How’s their walk with God?”

They’re not asking these questions to burst your bubble, but they want to make sure you’re taking your time. They love and care about you. When you hurt, they hurt so they don’t want to see you go too far without doing your due diligence. It’s possible that they may see some red flags without you realizing it. Why? You’re too close to the situation and may not always see things objectively.

Dating the bad boy

It reminds me of a boy I dated back in high school. Typical “bad boy” unfortunately, and while I didn’t involve my friends directly, he went to my church, so our families knew each other. My dad picked up on some things with him that I didn’t see. Particularly how my then boyfriend treated his mother and disrespected her. My father told me, “If he doesn’t respect his own mother, he won’t respect you.” Sadly, I didn’t listen and for sure my boyfriend ended up disrespecting me. It not only crushed me, but in hindsight I felt foolish for not listening to the warnings of my father. He was only trying to protect me.

If you’ve been blessed with a circle of godly friends who love and care about you, have regular check-ins about your potential relationship with them. If you feel the need to hide and be secretive, it may be a sign that it’s not healthy. If it’s God’s will, everything will fall into place and those around you will see that.

Double dates or group settings

I know. You’re an adult and don’t necessarily need to be chaperoned. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be alone with your date, but why not include group settings occasionally too? If you’ve moved forward to be exclusive, why not invite them to your church? An informal dinner with your friends? Do you know another couple that you can double date with?

Again, if you and this person end up moving long term, they’re going to interact with your friends and loved ones. How will they be at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner? While there’s a need for privacy, it should be balanced with a few group settings. Being isolated in a relationship, if not careful, can lead to tempting situations. While there are exceptions to every rule, not every couple should travel alone together.

Take on feedback

Your inner circle can help you weigh the pros and cons of your decision. Ultimately, it’s up to you, but having another perspective can help you keep your priorities intact. The problem is we live in a world that’s easily offended. It’s hard for us to hear the truth because, deep down, we don’t want to hear it. How does the Bible instruct us to handle it?

“Better is open rebuke than a hidden love.” (Proverbs 27:5, NIV).

The truth may be hard to hear after a group event, and your friend tells you that your date showed signs of control issues. Or your pastor sees your date after you invited them to a service and they pick up on signs of them being lukewarm, not fully committing to Jesus. It’s difficult to hear the truth, especially when your feelings are growing for this person. You desperately want the relationship to work, so you may not be thinking clearly. That’s the thing your community can pick up on. Let them tell you the truth in love and be open to their opinion.

Weigh up feedback

Take their word and pray about it. Ask God, “are you speaking through my community? Am I missing the red flags?” Then again, the opposite can be true too. Maybe this is the relationship that God has for you. Your community confirms it, but you’re afraid that it’s too good to be true. Your friends and family are trying to help you not self-sabotage. They know your patterns of thinking that you’re not enough and they encourage you to see it through. The point? Your community can keep you objective and help guide you in the right direction along with Holy Spirit.  

Be honest about your dating journey

If you have a godly community, they care about your well-being and want the best for you. If you haven’t been honest about where you are in your dating life, I encourage you to tell them. Be honest about where you are in dating and how you’d like them to keep you accountable. Share that you want to honor God and don’t want to do anything that would compromise that.  

You can also be honest about your discouragement in dating. Too many Christian singles want to give up, allowing the enemy to shame them in their heads as to why they’re not married. Some even consider praying to God about taking away their desire for marriage. It’s easy to go down a downward spiral and your inner circle can bring you back.

They won’t let you talk down to yourself about how you’re unlovable. They’ll remind you of your worth in Christ. How He first loved you and gave His only son to die for your sins. They’ll pray for you when you’re weary from dating. They’ll be the ones to come over to your home and give you a pick-me-up, whether that’s bringing over dinner or your favorite dessert.

Lean on your community

You have a support system, so be willing to be vulnerable. You can tell them you’re tired of the dating scene. You can tell them that you’re scared that the relationship is too good to be true and you’re asking God to give you discernment. 

It’s not good to isolate yourself in any capacity, but especially in dating. Let your community be the hands and feet of Jesus, ready to give you sound counsel and wisdom. You don’t have to take all their advice. Always take their words back to your prayer closet and ask God for further revelation. There’s no foolproof method for dating. There’s no formula to guarantee you’ll find a spouse using accountability, but you can increase your chances of dating with wisdom. If someone is going to come into your life, remember that it also involves your inner circle. You want to make sure it’s a good fit as best you can.

Ready to meet someone to potentially introduce to your community? Download the SALT app for your next date!