I grew up with my dad’s parents in my life. I remember my grandparents coming to my drama shows, taking care of my brother and I some weekends, and the massive spread of food they brought out whenever we visited.

Then my grandad sadly passed when I was an early teen, leaving just my grandma. She was the one who taught me how to change my bedding properly, getting the duvet right into the corners of the sheet. 

A few years ago she got sick. I lived much further away, I barely saw her. On a trip home, I heard she was coming through our town on her return from a hospital visit. She didn’t have much energy so we came out to say hello quickly to her as she sat in the car. 

We chatted and then she asked, kindly I should add, “Do you have a nice boy yet?”

Afterwards they drove off and that was the last time I saw her. The memory of her question lingering in my mind as I processed my grief.

TL;DR: The Summary

I hated that feeling, I know my grandma just wanted to know I was happy, which I was. I know she and my grandad loved each other so much, I wanted that too.

But that question for a while made me angry. The perpetual question for singles, ‘have you found anyone yet?’

This and so many other little things can make being single as a Christian a really tough time.

There are parts of singleness that suck and we’re going to talk about them. 

So let’s take a look and be honest about it!

Here are the Things I Hate About Being a Single Christian.

• Flying solo
• No plus one 
• Financial frustrations 
• Lack of touch 
• Desire to date
• The single blues

Flying Solo

I loved the BBC TV show Miranda. Miranda got what it meant to be single. She came up with ways to make the most of being on her own, often with comical results. Like dining out. Her efforts to blend in by pretending to be a business woman that somehow escalated into her leading a conference and being accused of identity theft. 

It’s funny the things we do to cover up being alone. But doing things by yourself is just no fun sometimes. For the single Christian, this is our daily!

Arriving at a party on your own, confirming awkwardly that yes it is a table for one, desperately keeping our elbows in on the train because there’s now a stranger beside you instead of a travel companion.

As Chrisitian singles, flying solo in life can be draining. This might put us off doing things we want to do. You might talk yourself out of seeing that film, visiting the museum, going to the concert, festival, gym class… 

Though we might hate doing stuff alone, we can’t let this stop us living our lives. Take a leaf out of Haven’s book who’s trying out things as a single Christian and taking us with her on the journey, like her trip to the Christmas markets and for a solo dinner. 

Just because you might be single and looking for a godly man or woman to date, it doesn’t mean you have to wait for them to show up to start living! Embrace the awkwardness and do what you want to do.

No Plus One

If the everyday stuff wasn’t enough, don’t get me started on big events. 

Christmas, birthdays, you name it – being single can make these special occasions miserable. 

Like going to a wedding alone. 

The start isn’t too bad because the actual marriage bit is a structured part of the day. But when that drinks reception hits and people are taking photos with their person… you just wish you had someone beside you to talk about all the little things you noticed throughout the day, to sneak more prosecco with or go find somewhere quieter to detach from the crazy wedding buzz. Then there’s the dancing, who do you dance with???

New Year is a big thing where I’m from. Somehow the parties morphed as I got older and seemed to be all about how it could be one big life changing night. My non-Christian friends would spend the evening confessing their love to their crush and making out in the spare bedroom while I sat alone just hoping to make it to the bells.

It’s easy for these big moments to cause dread as you look at an invitation without the plus one or aren’t sure how you’ll get through another family gathering with people pestering you about your love life. 

Sometimes to make sure we can enjoy life and not miss out on these things, we need to alter our perspective. 

For example, Valentine’s Day. Abhorred by many, mostly singles and for good reason. But it is a part of our calendars and as Lauren Dunn points out in her Desiring God article, for single Christians it’s a chance to celebrate and witness to others. 

Valentine’s Day can be a reminder to the world that Christians value real love and biblical marriage. And that we love each other, no matter how different our lives might be.

So let Valentine’s Day be Valentine’s Day. Consider babysitting for some married friends, or ask a single friend to dinner. Find your favorite way to celebrate the love you have experienced.

Singles can celebrate too!

Financial Frustrations

Being single is expensive!

Whether you’re flat sharing or you own your own place, one income life can be tricky as a single.

These double income, no kids (DINK) couples don’t even know how good they’ve got it. 

To combat this, we deal with the cost of constant social activities, travel and so on which can test the budget limitations of us singles. We want to be with the people but this can cost us our money as well as our time. 

And then there’s gift giving, feeling the pressure to celebrate the partners and children of those we are closest too can mount up. 

Not to mention that most things come with benefits if you’re a couple, like cheaper holiday accommodation.

Singleness can cause many financial frustrations and fears. But we can still choose to be good stewards of what God has given us, and be generous givers. 

Some things to mention:

• If you’re in debt and need help, find local debt advice, like a CAP debt centre or talk to someone you trust. 
• Consider how you manage your money and these tips of how to look after your money well.
• Though written for engaged couples, don’t be put off – have a read of our blog in partnership with Stewardship on some questions to consider about giving.

Lack of Touch

I think this is something we don’t really talk about a lot as Christians who are single. I hate that no one really ever touches you. 

I’m quite specific about who I want to touch me in general. I like hugging people to say hello but with friends, I don’t want that hug to be extended unless one of the parties is crying and needs comfort. 

I worked in an industry that was quite touchy feely as a culture for a long time, it made touching people who weren’t my family/partner more normal. I’ve also been a part of churches touch is made normal too, in greetings, laying of hands in prayer etc. 

But this isn’t standard for all. Many singles I feel easily can go days, weeks, maybe longer without anyone ever touching them. 

I’m not talking about romantic or sexual touch here. These are ‘lacks’ in a Christian singles life but more so through the choice of dating with the intention of marriage and abstaining from sex. I want to focus on the more normal, friendly side of consensual touch.

It seems a weird thing to hone in on but there’s science behind it. We are social creatures after all, designed by God to live in close community with others. In fact touch can have the power to reduce pain, depression and anxiety according to researchers.

Have you ever thought about how Jesus used physical touch too? Even though Jesus is God in human flesh, it didn’t stop Him from touching people. He lay hands to heal (Luke 4:40) and washed the feet of His disciples (John 13:1-17). Touch was a key part of Jesus conveying God’s love to His people.

So for singles, how can we manage our needs to touch? Here are some ideas:

• Booking a relaxing massage. 
• Going to a hairdresser that washes your hair. 
• Making sure we hug our friends and family when we see them. 
• Perhaps invest in the likes of a weighted blanket to feel comfort and calm.

Desire to Date

One of the things I hate about being a single Chrisitian is that I don’t want to be single! I have the desire to date and sometimes that’s resulted in really trying with little success.

Some people feel real peace about not dating and embrace their singleness with such grace. For me it mostly feels like walking through mud, praying I emerge at the other end soon. 

When you really want to date a Christian man or woman but it’s just not happening for whatever reason – it is frustrating.

You can do your best to change this reality – like following some of our tips on how to have Christian dating app success, or considering whether you should move churches to find other singles. 

But some of us might need to get better at waiting. We might not even be ready to date, even though we feel like we are. Or we need to focus on other distractions that need to be dealt with first, like sexual temptations. 

And for others even though we really don’t want to be single we really do need to take a dating break.

Whether we’re in the headspace to be meeting Christian singles or not, we all might benefit from practising some contentment. 

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Hebrews 13:5

The Single Blues

Some days you wake up and there’s this weight or feeling of loneliness and it’s really hard to shake off. 

Having the ‘blues’ as a single is a feeling that can hit you out of nowhere or come from triggers. These triggers might be from things you see out and about, conversations you have or the things you watch. 

A way to manage this as a single Chrisitan looking for love is to be mindful about triggers you’re walking right into, such as mindless scrolling on social media or cosying up to to watch the latest rom com with a bucket of ice cream.

These feelings will come and go and even when it’s hard we need to remember that they will pass eventually. It’s okay to allow ourselves to feel our feelings but important not to wander too far into self pity that we make our own lives hard for ourselves.  However sometimes, being a single Christian is the thing we wrestle with most. We know that no one is owed a partner by God but when that longing and desire is such a huge part of our wants and God hasn’t brought that person along yet, it brings up lots of questions. As Joy Beth Smith reflects:

If God’s not withholding a man to make me ready, what is He waiting on? And what does it say about God that He’s keeping a good thing from me, despite my fervent desires? How do I honor and serve a God who has the power to change my circumstances but chooses not to, causing me immense loneliness and pain?

And these thoughts give light to our fears – of the possibility of being alone forever. Not just that but of never experiencing sexual intimacy, of not having a family (for some this thought is too much to bear). And more, what if you lose some of those dear to you and don’t have a partner to help you in those difficult times. The thought of facing life without your person can lead to many overwhelming worries and make you mad at God. 

The thing is, I know God is being patient with us and waiting for us all to realise that whether we are single, married divorced, or widowed, He is always with us. We are never alone.  I’m not saying this to brush over our feelings but to give us an anchor of hope when the wave of blues feels too hard to tread. 

Tell God exactly how you feel and worship Him even in your fear or pain. 

Hallelujah, I am not alone

He’s my Comfort,

Always holds me close

Psalm 23 (I Am Not Alone) – People & Songs

If you’re in that tough place right now, I found this blog by Samantha Keller a great comfort. Sit with your feelings and allow her words in Being Single Hurts Today, and That’s Okay to guide you in prayer.

Let’s Conclude

I do in fact have an answer for my grandma now, yes I found the nicest boy – I recently got married.

This news probably annoys you as a single person who is reading this. I hated married people talking to me about singleness, I’ve turned into that person now – ugh!

So feel free to ignore what I’ve said. That is a valid response.

But if you are struggling, know that you aren’t the only one. Many of us have felt or feel these exact things and know what it’s like to deal with the practical, emotional and spiritual frustrations of being a single Christian. 

There’s no easy fix, sometimes we have to weather the storm. We have to choose a new attitude even when it’s hard. Or we have to be honest with God about how we feel. 

Sometimes though we just have to recognise the things we hate, to get it out of our heads so we can move forward knowing that there’s more to who we are than our single status.