If there was one thing I wish I could change prior to dating would be my expectations. Unfortunately, my mind had been filled with fantasy stories like Cinderella, so this image of meeting a man and knowing he was “the one” instantly had me thinking that’s how it was supposed to be. During my teen years, my self esteem wasn’t healthy so I also thought my worth came from a guy liking me versus God’s view of me. So what do I wish I knew earlier about dating as a Christian?

TL;DR: The Summary

Maybe you’re in the dating pool and your expectations aren’t being met. Have you ever asked yourself, “Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?” Here are a few things I wish I had known prior to dating as a Christian. Can you relate?

1. Chemistry ≠ Confirmation
2. Prayer Isn’t a Relationship Shortcut
3. Boundaries Don’t Replace Discipline
4. Stop Looking for a Savior
5. God Isn’t Testing You

Unfortunately, there’s no chapter and verse in the Bible that says “Dating 101 for Christian Singles.” What we can infer is what the Bible says about the company we should keep. From there, Holy Spirit fills in the gaps where there’s no chapter and verse. It may feel like you’re walking around in the dark with your hands in front of you, but God is with you and will guide you if you let Him. Let’s dive in shall we?

1. Chemistry ≠ Confirmation

Just because the conversation flows and you both love Maverick City or Elevation Worship doesn’t mean it’s God-ordained. I used to think feeling right meant being right. But emotional highs and physical attraction can cloud discernment. Chemistry is important, yes. But it should never override character, counsel, or conviction. The enemy can send someone who “feels” perfect but distracts you from your purpose. If it’s God, peace will follow even after the butterflies fade.

You need more than spark—you need spiritual compatibility and shared values that stand strong when life gets real. God doesn’t confirm His will through goosebumps. He confirms it through fruit, alignment, and clarity that doesn’t change when the feelings do.

Attraction is important

Again, this doesn’t mean that you can’t be attracted to the person. It doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with them because it’s all about purpose and doing God’s Will. While God’s Will and Glory is the center, you can still enjoy your date and share amazing memories with them. Also filter chemistry through the Holy Spirit. 

There’s nothing wrong with being honest in prayer saying, “God I like them, but I want your will more than anything.” Yes, it’s a risky prayer, and you may even lose the person if they’re not a right fit. However, you can trust that God is fitting your story together perfectly. You may not have all the answers, but He does. He’s not leaving you behind and will never abandon you.

Chemistry shouldn’t be your guide

I wish I had known earlier that chemistry is not a sign of destiny. You can have chemistry with someone who is completely wrong for you. Sometimes you feel drawn to someone simply because they meet an emotional need you didn’t realize was open. You can connect instantly with someone who does not have the capacity, maturity, or spiritual grounding to partner with you long-term. Chemistry can be a beautiful start, but it cannot carry a relationship on its own.

When you’re dating as a Christian, chemistry should be a bonus, not the blueprint. Your discernment can only work when you let God weigh the relationship—not your impulses, not your desire to no longer be single, not your timeline. The more you let God lead, the easier it becomes to tell the difference between emotional excitement and spiritual peace. Excitement can be loud. Peace is steady. One fades. The other stays.

Chemistry may draw you together, but character determines whether you can stay together. That’s something I had to learn through trial and error. And honestly? It saved me from staying in situations where I would have settled out of fear rather than faith.

2. Prayer Isn’t a Relationship Shortcut

I used to think that praying automatically made a relationship holy. Spoiler: it doesn’t. Prayer is powerful, but if it’s being used to mask confusion, rush a bond, or avoid uncomfortable conversations, it becomes spiritual fluff. Praying about or with someone you’re dating is sacred—when done with maturity and proper boundaries.

Instead of trying to make prayer the glue, ask what the foundation really is. Can you have hard conversations without hiding behind “let’s pray about it”? Can you pray apart before you pray together? That’ll tell you a lot more about the spiritual health of the relationship than how good you sound quoting Scripture.

Over-spiritualizing dating

This is where a lot of Christians over spiritualize the dating process. It’s dangerous to be in this space because you can think you’re in God’s Will but you’re not. You may say “I prayed about it,” but did you wait for God’s response on the matter? Did you assume and move forward because of your feelings? Don’t be fooled by how you feel. It can lead to heartbreak and some blame God for something that they clearly did.

My experience

I remember praying about the last guy I talked to prior to meeting my husband. I could have sworn God confirmed things, but as it turned out, I was more caught up in my feelings. It was a mistake and when things fizzled out between us, I had to repent for getting ahead of God. I didn’t think I was trying to rush things but I was. I thought because of my age that this man had to be it. If I hadn’t course-corrected, things would have ended badly and I would have missed out on the amazing man I’m married to now. Is it worth it? Following your feelings now and missing or delaying God’s real blessing later? I don’t think so.

What does prayer do?

Prayer is not a shortcut to compatibility. It doesn’t override God’s timing. Prayer doesn’t force clarity. Prayer doesn’t turn the wrong relationship into the right one. We have to stop treating prayer like a stamp of approval and start treating it like the ongoing conversation with God that it is.

Prayer should open your eyes—not close them. It should slow you down—not speed you up. It should lead you to wisdom—not wishful thinking. When your desire is strong, even prayer can become filtered through your emotions. That’s why waiting for God’s response matters. Not the response you hope He gives. Not the one your loneliness wants Him to give. The real one.

A relationship rooted in God doesn’t need to be forced through prayer. It will grow because prayer is already part of who both of you are—not something you’re using to convince yourselves that you’re aligned. God’s presence doesn’t have to be manufactured. He will naturally be in the center when He’s truly leading the connection.

3. Boundaries Don’t Replace Discipline

Setting boundaries is necessary. But I wish I knew early on that boundaries are only as strong as your discipline. You can talk about “no sleepovers” all day—but if you’re not stewarding your time, triggers, and emotions with maturity, you’ll fall.

Discipline is about decisions before desire shows up. Do you know your weak points? Have you created accountability before the moment? Or are you relying on willpower in the heat of the moment? God doesn’t just call us to set lines—He calls us to walk wisely (Ephesians 5:15). That’s a lifestyle, not just a list of rules.

This is why self awareness is super important. If you don’t know your tendencies, you’ll walk into situations blindly. That’s why stewarding your singleness is important. You learn more things about yourself than maybe you realized. That way you can live a life that protects you from the worst version of yourself.

Boundaries without discipline

Boundaries without discipline are like locks on a door you never bother to close. You tell yourself you’re safe because the lock exists—but if you’re constantly leaving the door cracked open, temptation will walk right in. Dating as a Christian requires honesty with yourself. Not just about what you want, but what you struggle with.

You cannot set boundaries based on who you hope you are. You set boundaries based on who you know you are.

Maybe you think, “I should be strong enough by now.”
Or, “We’re adults, we can handle it.”
Or, “It’s not a big deal, we know our limits.”

But boundaries are not about weakness. They’re about wisdom. They’re about acknowledging that emotions escalate, attraction grows, and vulnerability opens doors quickly. Even the strongest Christian can slip if they assume discipline will magically appear in the moment they need it.

Discipline is built long before the challenge shows up. It’s built in your habits, your prayer life, your honesty, and the people you allow to hold you accountable. Boundaries make the path clear. Discipline keeps you on it. You deserve a relationship where you’re not constantly fighting guilt, confusion, or spiritual fog. Discipline creates space for clarity. It helps you date with confidence instead of chaos.

4. Stop Looking for a Savior

I had to learn the hard way: your future spouse is not your healer, counselor, or comforter. That’s Jesus. A spouse can’t fix your insecurities, fill your emotional void, or complete you. That’s way too much pressure for another human and sets both of you up to fail.

You don’t need to be perfect to date, but you do need to be whole. That means you’re secure in Christ, not desperate for someone to validate your worth. If you want someone to do what only God can, you’ll end up disappointed and confused—and probably blaming them for not being enough.

My story

This was a big mistake I made in dating, especially in my teen years. I thought I was worth something only if the guy liked me back. If he didn’t, something was wrong with me. Or if a guy didn’t give me his attention, that meant I was dull. If he didn’t pick me over another girl, I wasn’t worth anyone else’s time. All of these were lies. You shouldn’t believe them either.

You are made in God’s image, so that automatically means that you’re priceless. He sent His only son to die for you, so you’re worthy of love. Fulfillment comes from who you are in Christ. Having a spouse, if that’s what you desire, is simply a bonus in life. It’s sad that some churches have made marriage an idol and a lot of Christian singles feel incomplete without a ring. Don’t buy into this lie, no matter how real it may feel.

When people are your savior…

Dating becomes dangerous when you expect a person to heal a wound God wants to treat. People can’t fix rejection, abandonment, insecurity, loneliness, or fear. They can support you, encourage you, walk with you, love you—but they cannot complete you. That expectation turns relationships into survival tools rather than partnerships.

Looking for someone to save you from your past, save you from being single, save you from feeling invisible—none of those desires lead to healthy love. They lead to dependency, disillusionment, and unnecessary heartbreak.

When Jesus is your savior…

You deserve a relationship built on wholeness, not desperation. God never designed dating to replace Him. He designed it to complement what He’s already doing in you. When marriage is elevated above identity, frustration follows. When identity is grounded in Christ, you’re free to enjoy a relationship without idolizing it.

5. God Isn’t Testing You

Some Christians treat singleness like a punishment and dating like a final exam you have to pass. Let me free you: God isn’t dangling a relationship over your head until you’re “good enough.” This isn’t a test. This is about partnership, timing, and purpose. He delights in giving good gifts. He’s not playing hide-and-seek with your heart.

Yes, there are seasons of waiting. Yes, there are things He’s refining. But His heart is for your good—not just your growth. You don’t have to overanalyze every red flag or assume hardship means “God’s teaching me a lesson.” Sometimes it’s just not a match. And that’s okay.

Learning from mistakes

No we can’t go back in time and undo all the mistakes we’ve made in dating, but we can learn from them. I know I learned a lot prior to meeting my husband. Guess what? You never stop learning even in marriage so don’t think that the altar is the finishing line. It’s simply a new beginning.

Will you trust the character and heart of God? Will you believe He’s with you and wants the best for you? Keep your eyes on Him, even when things feel dark. 

You’re not single because you’re flawed. Nor are you waiting because you failed something. You’re not overlooked because God forgot you. Dating isn’t a reward for spiritual performance. It’s simply a relationship between two people—guided by a faithful God who knows exactly what you need and when you need it.

When you stop treating the journey like a test, you free yourself from pressure and step into peace. God does not grade your worth. He does not measure your value by your relationship status. He does not withhold love as punishment. His timing is not rooted in cruelty—it’s rooted in care.

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