“How do I know that we’re unequally yoked?” If you’re asking this question, it’s possible you’re feeling some tension in your relationship. In this post, we’ll be exploring the signs that reveal if you’re spiritually incompatible with your partner.
TL;DR:The Summary
What are some practical ways to determine if you’re in an unequally yoked relationship? Here are a few:
- Faith priorities don’t match
- Church worship or conflict
- Differing moral compass
- Lack of respect for your beliefs
- Negative influences on your faith
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a good starting point to help you assess where you stand. Remember, God wants the best for you, including in your relationships. I once heard a pastor say, “God isn’t going to bless you with someone who pulls you away from Him.” Let this be your sign. Are they drawing you closer to Jesus, or not?
Dating a Non-Christian
I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard Christian singles ask whether it’s okay to date someone outside of the Christian faith. Some believe that their faith can lead the other person to Christ. While God can certainly work through you to draw your significant other closer to Him, that’s not the norm; those are exceptions. I’ve even heard the testimony of a pastor who married a woman in this very scenario. In his case, the Lord saved her the night after their first date.
However, entering a relationship knowing that the other person doesn’t know the Lord is not wise.
But They’re Christian…
I’ll take it a step further: you can be unequally yoked with someone who professes Christianity. How? They may be carnal. They like the idea of Jesus and might even attend church, but they still live life on their own terms. I’ve heard heartbreaking stories from women who met Christian men, only to be propositioned for sex later in the relationship. The excuse? “I love Jesus, but He knows I have needs, and He understands. Besides, we’re under grace, so God will forgive us.”
What kind of comment is that? If they truly loved the Lord, they wouldn’t lead you astray. Your spouse should desire to draw you closer to Jesus. They’ll repent for their mistakes, and you’ll see the fruit of the Spirit in their life.
So, what are the signs that you may be unequally yoked? The main one is a lack of peace in your relationship. You feel a deep unease, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t shake it. Don’t ignore this. That’s the Holy Spirit warning you to step away. It doesn’t mean the person is terrible, but they may not be the right fit for you. Unfortunately, many Christian singles ignore these nudges because they’re afraid of being alone and don’t want to start over with someone new. The following signs that you’re unequally yoked should not be ignored.
Faith priorities don’t match
While dating someone outside of Christianity may be a clear mismatch, it’s important to understand that you can also be incompatible with someone who professes Jesus but doesn’t live according to His teachings. For example, you might seek the Lord’s guidance in all your decisions. You fast, pray, and seek godly counsel. You refuse to go anywhere without the Lord, but the person you’re dating may not prioritize God in the same way.
Imagine they go to church but still think it’s okay to curse. They claim to want a kingdom spouse, only to say, “God understands when I have urges and need to have sex. I’ll repent later.” Despite professing love for Him, God is an afterthought.
A man after God’s heart?
In John 14:15, Jesus says, “If you love Me, keep My commandments.” Again, in Luke 6:46, He asks, “But why do you call Me “Lord, Lord,” and not do the things which I say?” He goes on to explain the difference between a person who builds their house on the rock and one who builds it on the sand.
Do you remember the story of “The Three Little Pigs”? It was one of my favorites as a child. As you know, the first two pigs built their houses out of straw and wood. When the wolf came, he blew their houses down. It wasn’t until he reached the third pig’s house that he met his match. The third pig built his house with bricks.
If you’re truly walking with the Lord, you’re building your house on the rock. That way, when the storms of life come, you won’t break. Those who build on sand, however, are easily washed away. They have no roots and are swayed by the cares of this world. Is that the kind of person you want to marry? Someone easily swayed by the world, with no foundation? I don’t think so. Remember, the enemy will attack your marriage.
A spiritual partner
You want a spouse who will fight with you against the demonic. Yes, there will be fun and romance in your marriage, but remember—the enemy hates covenant. He doesn’t fight fairly and will attack both of you. I saw a meme on Instagram featuring a husband and wife. She was in her wedding dress, and he was in his tuxedo. They were standing back-to-back, but not in a church—in a war zone. Both held swords and shields, ready to fight. The caption read, “Don’t just pick a spouse because they’re cute. Pick someone you can go to war in the Spirit with.” Can someone say, “mic drop”? This is what you want. If not, you’re going to lose in your marriage.
Church conflict or worship
I think this ties into the first point, but let’s go deeper. I’ve heard some Christians say they don’t go to church. For most, this stems from growing up in a strict religious home or experiencing church hurt. Either way, they claim to love God but ultimately reject His body.
Think about this: you love Jesus but reject His body. You love Him but don’t like His wife. Remember, the church is the bride of Christ. Does she make mistakes? Yes. But Jesus loves her and laid down His life for her. He doesn’t change His mind, even when she sometimes misrepresents Him. Instead, He continues to show her forgiveness, compassion, and grace.
If you’re seeking to grow in your relationship with God through church and community, but your significant other discourages it, you’re unequally yoked. They may have valid reasons for not attending, but it’s not biblical. Hebrews 10:25 says, “Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as is the manner of some, but exhorting one another, and so much the more as you see the Day approaching.”
We can’t do it alone
We need community, especially in these last days as we await Jesus’ return. Community not only provides encouragement but also accountability. If the person you’re dating rejects the church, who holds them accountable? They may say, “The Holy Spirit convicts me,” and while that’s true, we’re not called to live in isolation. That doesn’t mean we need to be close to everyone in the church, but God often blesses us with a special inner circle to walk through life with and speak the truth in love.
Even Jesus had an inner circle—Peter, James, and John. He called twelve disciples to follow Him and learn from Him. Though He is God and could have done ministry alone, He chose to involve others, and through them, the church was born.
I’m not saying you need to immediately break up with someone who rejects the church. You can pray and ask God to soften their heart. However, if they refuse to change and you can’t see a future with them because you’re moving in different directions, it’s time to move on. I know it’s hard, but what’s more important— obedience to God or following your heart? The world tells us to “follow your heart,” but Scripture reminds us that the heart can be deceitful. Instead, we must lead our hearts by the Holy Spirit.
Differing moral compass
Values and morals are crucial in relationships.
Money
How does this person handle finances? Do they have to be wealthy? No, but if they have reckless spending habits and poor financial decisions, that could be a problem, especially if you’re planning to save for your retirement.
Relationships
Do they respect their parents and relatives? Every family dynamic is different, but if they constantly talk about how they hate their father or can’t stand their mother, it’s concerning. If that anger isn’t dealt with, you’ll find yourself in the crosshairs. If they don’t believe in forgiveness, but you know the Bible teaches us to forgive, they may prioritize their feelings over God’s Word.
You can’t change them
Yes, you can pray for them, but ultimately, you can’t change them—that’s God’s job. Sadly, Christian singles often make the mistake of thinking they can “help God out.” If God leads you to help, that’s different, but most of us tend to assume that role.
I remember a guy I spoke to before meeting my husband. He grew up in foster care and carried many emotional wounds. I thought I was helping and encouraging him, not realizing he was spiraling downward. One night, he called, admitting he had made a huge mistake. After going strong with the Lord, he had backslidden. He didn’t share the details, but I sensed in my spirit that what he did was serious and wrong.
God showed me that I had become this man’s caretaker. It was hard to step away, but God made it clear: “He needs to come to Me, not you.” The Lord even told me to stop taking his calls. I did, even though I still had feelings for him. Was he a Christian? He said he was, but our values didn’t align. Don’t compromise on values. Character matters, and it’s what’s in a person’s heart that counts in the long run.
Lack of respect for your beliefs
I remember a guy telling me, “You’re asking for too much,” and “Your standards are too high.” I knew I wanted to wait until marriage for sex, but he wasn’t on board. We didn’t last much longer after that conversation. Unfortunately, many Christian singles are afraid to walk away from relationships they know aren’t healthy.
Why? They don’t want to start over. They’ve spent one or two years getting to know this person, and since they’re almost forty, they fear that starting over will only prolong the prospect of marriage. Can’t you see that this type of thinking is rooted in fear?
2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” If you’re making relationship decisions based on fear, you’re in a dangerous place. God knows your age and He knows your heart’s desires. Why does God have some marry younger and others later in life? I don’t know, but the people I’ve spoken to who married after forty all say, “It was worth the wait.”
If the person you’re dating doesn’t respect your beliefs and convictions, it’s time to walk away. You’re not going to change their mind, and you shouldn’t have to convince them that you’re worth loving. They should recognize your worth and value right away. They’ll see you as God sees you and will want to be with you. Don’t compromise just to be with someone—you’ll regret it.
Negative influences on your faith
I think this ties into the last point: if you’re compromising for your relationship, you’re in a bad place. How can you tell? My pivotal question is this: Are they drawing you closer to Jesus? I remember hearing Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts say that being in love with her husband inspires her to get closer to the Lord. I first heard this as a single woman, and now that I’m married, I understand it even more.
Inspiration
My husband is usually the first one up in the morning. He’ll rise as early as 5 a.m. (or even earlier) to read, worship, and pray. I’m not a morning person, but seeing his intentionality in spending time with Jesus inspires me. It’s not that I wasn’t intentional before, and no, I don’t think we need to mimic our spouse’s walk.
But I decided to be more deliberate because I tend to rush through my quiet time. It’s not on purpose—my brain just gets crowded with the day’s to-do list. Watching my husband challenges me to slow down and treasure that precious time with God. The truth is, my day goes smoother, and I’m much more productive when I take that time.
Can you look at the life of the person you’re dating and be inspired by their walk with Jesus? Or have you strayed since meeting them? Have you missed church because they suggested a spontaneous Sunday date? Do they change the subject every time you mention what you’re learning in Bible study? Have you grown closer to God since dating them? If you can’t answer these questions positively, you’re not equally yoked.
A true kingdom spouse may sound impossible to find, but they exist. There are people who love Jesus and seek to put Him first in their lives. Ladies, don’t give up on finding the right man, and men, don’t give up on finding the right woman. God knows who the right person is for you, and you won’t have to lower your standards to find them.
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