This blog post will help Christians to invite God into their sexuality and sex lives to help them stay pure and have amazing sex as God designed it.
TL;DR: The Summary
You might be thinking, “Okay, I get that sex was God’s idea, but I’m an adult with natural urges. How am I supposed to stay pure in today’s world?” Another common question is, “Who’s going to wait with me when I share my standards?” These are valid concerns, especially as you grow older as a Christian single. It’s one thing to tell a sixteen-year-old to wait, but what about a thirty-five-year-old woman who thought she’d be married by now? What about a forty-two-year-old man striving for purity but thinking, “I’m a grown man”? And what if you’ve already had sex? You’ve been exposed to that experience, and now you want to honor God, but your body is telling you something different.
What is purity?
I want to assure you—you can honor God with your body. But purity isn’t just about abstaining from sex. Jesus said that if a man lusts after a woman in his heart, he has already committed the act. God wants our thoughts to be pure so that we don’t objectify others. So, how do you maintain purity in a world filled with temptation? Let’s break it down into five practical steps.
- Redefine Purity as Strength, Not Suppression
- Understand the ‘Why’ Behind Purity
- Set Boundaries that Empower You
- Embrace Healthy Outlets for Desire
- Seek God’s Guidance Daily
I want to emphasize that if you’ve had sex before marriage, you are not damaged goods. When we confess our faults to the Lord, He is faithful to forgive us. But should we abuse His grace? Absolutely not! Because of God’s grace, we shouldn’t even entertain sin. Some ask, ‘How far is too far?’ or ‘How close can I get to the line without crossing it?’ If you find yourself asking these questions, it’s a sign that your heart needs to realign with God’s standards.
Instead, our mindset should be, ‘I don’t want to be anywhere near the line.’ The enemy deceives us into believing we can’t stay pure because our urges are too strong. But the Bible tells us that the Greater One lives inside us. If we have the Holy Spirit—the fullness of God within us—He has already empowered us to overcome temptation. Let’s dive in!
Intro
“I love Jesus, but I have needs.” I’ve heard this too many times from Christian singles—both men and women—who profess their love for God yet are comfortable with premarital sex. Some even argue, “Why would God want me to marry someone without knowing if we’re sexually compatible?” Unfortunately, this is a distorted mindset when it comes to sex. I once heard a pastor say in a sermon, “Sex is supposed to be a discovery, not an exhibit.” In other words, we were never meant to fully understand or experience sex until marriage. Why? Because God wants to preserve our memories.
The late Dr. Myles Munroe explained this beautifully, emphasizing that God never intended for us to have multiple partners or toxic soul ties. Sex was always meant to be an act of love and genuine affection within marriage. You weren’t meant to give your body to just anyone. There were never supposed to be “one-night stands” or “friends with benefits”—relationships that mimic intimacy but lack the commitment of marriage. You weren’t meant to experience heartbreak, regretting a night with an ex who later left you for someone else. So what happened? Sin entered the picture, and now the enemy has perverted what God designed to be beautiful and good.
I recently read a post from a newlywed woman who is disappointed with her sex life because it’s not what she expected. Thanks to how sex is portrayed in movies and television, she assumed it would be the same in real life. Instead, she finds it uncomfortable and unfulfilling. My response to her, along with other wives in the group, was simple: go back to the One who created sex—God. He designed it, so we need to understand what His Word says about it.
Redefine Purity as a Strength, Not Suppression
God is not trying to torture you by asking you to wait until marriage to have sex. Remember, God created sex, and He designed it to be good. He’s not withholding anything from you—if anything, He’s reserving the best for you. I’ve never heard someone say, “I regret waiting for the person God had for me.” More often, I hear, “My spouse was worth the wait, and I’d do it all over again if I had to.”
Sexuality is a gift from God. In the beginning, He created male and female and commanded them to be fruitful and multiply. Before sin entered the world, Adam and Eve lived in perfection, experiencing pure bliss with one another. While we now live in the aftermath of their choices, we are still empowered by God’s Spirit to honor Him with our bodies.
Reframe sex
Instead of thinking, “It’s torture that I have to wait to have sex,” reframe it as, “God loves me so much that He wants me to have the best.” Doesn’t that sound better than, “God is holding out on me”? He’s not. God delights in giving good gifts to His children, and He knows the right timing for them. Think about driving a car—there’s nothing wrong with driving at 30, but handing the keys to a two-year-old would be dangerous and deadly.
You may be ready for your spouse, but sometimes it simply comes down to God’s timing. It may sound cliché, but it’s true. If I had met my husband before 2015, our relationship wouldn’t have worked. I wasn’t emotionally ready, and he wasn’t even saved. He attended church and went through the motions, but his heart wasn’t fully devoted to God. In His wisdom, God protected us from each other and didn’t allow us to meet until six years later.
Waiting for sex
Was it tough being a single 30-year-old woman waiting to have sex? Absolutely. But a few years before I met my husband, God led me to the popular sermon series Relationship Goals by Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church. Two messages, “The Sex Container” and “Does Sex Own You?”, deeply impacted me. Later, I heard another sermon by Pastor Jerry Flowers titled “The Sex Trap.” These teachings rewired my thinking about sex and helped me realize that God’s intentions for me were good—that waiting for my husband would be worth it. Anything less than God’s best would be settling for a counterfeit.
You don’t want a counterfeit, do you? Do you really want to settle just for the sake of having sex? The pleasure may last for a moment, but it doesn’t last forever. I can tell you now, as a married woman, sex is much better when shared with your God-given, kingdom spouse. There’s no fear—only true intimacy and trust.
Believe it or not, the intimacy of sex is meant to reflect the intimacy God desires with us. Just as a husband and wife become one flesh, we are called to be one in spirit with the Lord. When Paul says in the New Testament, “That I may know Him,” the word know carries the same meaning as the deep intimacy between spouses.
We are meant to know our spouse spiritually, emotionally, and then physically. Sadly, the world has flipped this order, making physical intimacy the first step before truly knowing someone’s heart and spirit. Your sexuality is a gift from God, and He doesn’t want you to misuse it or use others to satisfy temporary desires. Yes, your desires are real—but what do you want more? To please Jesus or to please yourself?
Understand the ‘Why’ behind Purity
As the late Dr. Myles Munroe once said, “God wants to preserve your memories.” Your sexual experiences should bring a smile to your face, not regret. When purity feels like just another rule, it becomes difficult to uphold. While I believe the leaders of the purity culture had good intentions, they took it too far, burdening people with a rigid set of rules. If one rule was broken, a person was seen as damaged goods—beyond redemption. But when you view your sexuality as a way to honor God and understand His heart for sex, purity becomes an empowered choice, not an obligation.
Song of Solomon 1:2 says, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—For your love is better than wine.” Does this sound like a God who doesn’t care about passion? Do you think He wants you to be in a boring, lifeless marriage? Of course not. The issue isn’t passion itself—it’s that we often prioritize passion first. While chemistry is important, it cannot be the foundation of a lasting relationship.
You should be excited about your spouse, and there’s nothing wrong with looking forward to your wedding day. Romance and fun are wonderful aspects of marriage, but again, they shouldn’t be the foundation. Above all, God desires our union to honor Him.
God is always with you
One thing God revealed to me in prayer as a single woman was that He wants to be glorified in every aspect of my life—including my sex life. This realization blew my mind because I had never considered that before. We often forget that as God’s children, He is always with us. That means He doesn’t step out of the room when we have sex—His presence remains. With this in mind, we must strive to ensure that our actions honor Him, not disappoint Him.
Set Boundaries that Empower You
“No kissing, no touching, no hand-holding.” Again, while I’d like to think purity culture had good intentions, many of its rules became burdensome. Extremes were taken, and shame was passed down to those who made even a single mistake. If you were interested in someone—even as a teenager—you were often expected to treat them as a future spouse. There was little room to date casually and simply get to know the opposite sex. Everything was taken seriously. Before long, men and women didn’t even know how to communicate with each other. Women were unsure of what men liked, and guys were left wondering how to escape the so-called friend zone.
I think both men and women need to take a step back and breathe. A first date is not a marriage proposal, and being interested in someone doesn’t automatically mean they’re your future spouse. If you both are comfortable with holding hands once you become exclusive, that’s fine. Do I recommend making out in an empty parking lot after church? Of course not.
Know yourself
You need to know your triggers. If kissing arouses you and you prefer to avoid it, communicate that to the person you’re dating. Likewise, if they don’t feel comfortable Netflix and chilling at your apartment, respect that. The Bible tells us to flee from the appearance of evil. While purity culture may have imposed unnecessary burdens, God’s standards provide healthy guardrails so you can date with honor. Having accountability in place is also important. You may need your friends to check in on you if your date night runs late.
Some may argue, “I’m an adult—I don’t need people checking on me. I can handle myself.” That may be true, but the flesh is tricky. You want to set yourself up for success in dating. If you end up marrying this person, you’ll want to say your vows with no regrets and no guilt. My husband and I were able to do this because we honored one another in dating. This is the way God intended it to be, and having healthy boundaries now will prepare you to maintain them in marriage.
Embrace Healthy Outlets for Desire
“How am I supposed to deal with my urges?” As Christian singles age, controlling legitimate sexual desires becomes increasingly difficult. If you have a sexual past before coming to Jesus, you may feel tempted to return to old habits, risking a permanent decision based on a temporary urge. So, what can you do? Passion and attraction are natural—it’s not a sin to feel what you’re feeling. However, when your focus is solely on fulfilling your own desires, it becomes dangerous.
Believe it or not, sex is another form of service. It’s about pleasing your spouse, just as they are responsible for your pleasure. When both spouses serve each other, all needs are met.
Exercise
In the meantime, how can you honor God with your sexuality as a Christian single? Research shows that the same chemicals released during sex are also released when you exercise. A walk or a run may help. When was the last time you did burpees or held a plank? While this isn’t a foolproof method, physical activity can help release built-up energy and tension.
Conversation
Another helpful outlet is having a conversation with a trusted friend. Sex isn’t just about physical release—it’s also about emotional connection. Who in your life can you talk to, someone who will encourage you and point you in the right direction? Another go-to strategy of mine was watching a sermon. Listening to biblical teaching shifted my focus and strengthened my faith in the moment.
Thankfulness
Why not take that moment to thank God? Try praying aloud: “Thank You, God, for my sexuality. I know I will one day fully express myself with my spouse, but until then, help me honor You in this moment.” You can also ask, “Lord, what can I do right now until this moment passes?” He created you, so why not seek His guidance?
Seek God’s Guidance Daily
God created sex, and He created you. Why wouldn’t He help you when you ask Him? Be honest about where you are. You can tell Him your frustrations—there’s no point in hiding them since He already knows.
Some may think, These urges are too strong. I can’t control myself. But remember, as a Christian, the Holy Spirit lives within you. If God is powerful enough to save you, isn’t He also powerful enough to help you manage sexual temptation? Some believe it’s best to ask God to take these desires away. While that may seem reasonable, you will need your sexual desire when you get married. Do you really want God to remove it? Probably not.
This isn’t an easy area to manage, but it’s not impossible. With God, all things are possible if we believe. Yes, we must do our part. Avoid tempting situations, and don’t assume you’re strong enough to handle them alone—you aren’t, and you’ll likely stumble. Stay grounded in God’s Word, prayer, community, and mentorship, and you will succeed in walking in true purity.
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