This post helps Christians recognise and avoid situationships – where they’re with a partner with no commitment or clarity.
TL;DR: The Summary
I hope you realize your worth and never settle for breadcrumbs from others. Some Christian singles fall into situationships out of fear, thinking, “It’s better than being alone.” Let’s put an end to this kind of thinking now! You deserve God’s best, and it’s worth the wait.
So how do we avoid situationships as Christians? Here are a few tips:
- Clarify Intentions Early
- Don’t Settle for ‘Almost’
- Guard Your Heart and Emotions
- Establish and Enforce Boundaries
- Trust God Over your Feelings
I know you want to honor God in your dating life, and I understand that waiting for the right person can be difficult. The person in front of you may seem appealing, but when you look beneath the surface, you realize they’re not what you truly want. It may not make sense right now, but trusting God’s timing is the best thing you can do. Yes, put yourself out there and meet new people, but use discernment to recognize when you’re wasting your time.
Intro
Ever been in a situationship or know someone who has? Maybe you’ve been on the outside looking in, watching your friend accept breadcrumbs from someone, thinking, “They deserve so much more.” Or perhaps you found yourself caught in a situationship, staying because you thought you could “change the person.” You believed you’d be different in their eyes and that they’d finally commit to you. But, in the end, all that decision left you with was heartbreak and probably a sense of foolishness.
What exactly is a situationship? I only learned this term a few years ago, and I think it can be closely related to a “friendationship.” A situationship is when you share a romantic connection with someone, but without the commitment. You have deep conversations, spend time together, but there’s no clarity. You may even cross boundaries and sleep with this person, but there’s no security of a real relationship. You’re always left wondering, “What are we?”
My story
Most Christian singles don’t intentionally enter these kinds of relationships. What they don’t realize is that it’s the small compromises that can lead them into something they never wanted. I found myself in a similar situation before meeting my husband in 2019. I thought this man was a catch, but when we talked about moving forward, he kept saying the distance was too much. Let me be clear—we both lived in the same city, with only about forty-five minutes between us.
I did my best to respect his wishes, but what I should have done was walk away. Instead, I kept talking to him, assuming he would change his mind. Deep conversations followed, and while it felt like a relationship, it wasn’t. Eventually, God told me to stop taking his calls. Despite still having feelings for him, I obeyed. Two years later, I met my husband, who lived in New York. Distance didn’t matter to him because I was worth seeing.
Clarify Intentions Early
If you’re dating with the goal of marriage, there’s no point in pursuing someone who doesn’t want a commitment. That doesn’t make them a bad person—it just means they don’t share your goals. You want marriage and children, while they prefer to stay unattached. I once saw a woman ask a talk show host what to do about her boyfriend of one year who hadn’t proposed. They had moved in together, but he still hadn’t asked her to marry him.
The man’s response—one I noticed but others seemed to overlook—was that he had seen many failed relationships around him and was afraid of ending up the same way. He didn’t want to take the risk in case things didn’t work out. While this was a secular show, even Christian singles find themselves in similar situations. Setting your intentions early helps eliminate confusion.
Don’t be intense about it
This doesn’t mean you need to share your life goals on the first date. However, after a few dates and meaningful conversations, if you sense that you’re on different paths, trust that feeling and move on. You can’t convince someone that you’re a catch. Only God can change a person’s heart, so don’t waste your time trying. The right person will see your worth immediately and will do whatever it takes to win your heart. You won’t have to convince them to choose or love you—they’ll simply know, and so will you.
Just remember, being clear about your intentions comes with the risk of losing someone. Are you willing to walk away if necessary? It’s not easy, but it can save you from heartache in the long run.
Don’t Settle for ‘Almost’
To think I almost settled for a man who wasn’t willing to make a forty-five-minute trip. He brought it up in almost every conversation, saying, “This could work, but you’re so far away.” Then, two years later, I met my husband—who had no hesitation about buying a plane ticket from New York to Texas.
Looking back, I now realize the man from 2019 didn’t truly know what he wanted. While he was a Christian, he was still working on himself. He had abandonment issues, and although he loved God, he wasn’t ready for a committed relationship.
I made the mistake of sticking around. Deep down, I sensed it was a bad idea to keep talking to him, but I genuinely enjoyed our conversations. What I didn’t realize—until the Lord made it clear—was that this man was using me as a nurse. He had a lot of trauma from his past, and instead of running to God, he was running to me for emotional support.
Be aware
Many people, especially women, fall into this because we are natural nurturers. God created us to help and support, but if we’re not careful, we can end up becoming a man’s nurse. That’s exactly what happened to me. In many ways, I had become an idol in his life. I’ll never forget when he called to tell me something bad had happened. He didn’t share details, but I assumed he had backslid into old habits. Then, another night, he called me at 2 a.m. The Lord was clear: “Don’t answer the phone, and don’t call him back.” It was tough, but I obeyed.
I could have settled, thinking, “This is just how relationships are. No one is perfect.” And while it’s true that no spouse will be without flaws, there’s a difference between being someone’s nurse and supporting them as they work things out with God on their own.
Now, I’m married to a man who wakes up before sunrise every morning to pray and seek God in the Scriptures. While I support him, he seeks the Lord first before coming to me. He covers me in prayer and strives to love me as Christ loves the Church. You don’t have to accept less out of fear or believe that’s all you deserve. Some Christian singles settle because they think past mistakes disqualify them from God’s best. But less than God’s best is never your portion. He has amazing things in store for you—if you trust Him and His timing.
Guard Your Heart and Emotions
One reason some people get caught in situationships is that they’ve already “married” the person in their mind. Some Christian singles, either having never been on a date or having been single for so long, may jump at the first person who pays them attention. They convince themselves that starting over isn’t an option because they’re past thirty, over forty, or approaching fifty. They buy into the lie that they are “running out of time.”
This is a big mistake. A date is simply an event—it’s not a commitment or a marriage proposal. The purpose of dating is to gather information about the other person. After the date, the question shouldn’t be, “Do I want to marry them?” but rather, “Do I want to go on a second date?”
How to guard your heart
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”
Paul later writes in Philippians 4:7, “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” However, guarding your heart doesn’t mean building walls. Some Christian singles take this to the extreme, keeping everyone at a distance in an attempt to protect themselves. But this isn’t healthy—because at its core, it’s rooted in fear of being hurt or deceived.
The Bible instructs us to guard our hearts, meaning we should remain watchful and discerning. We must be mindful of who we allow into our lives because our emotions shift once our hearts become tied to someone. When we intentionally keep our emotions in check, we are less likely to be deceived. We can ask God for discernment and to reveal the true intentions of the person we’re interested in. The answer may not always be what we want to hear, but when we invite God into the process, He will never lead us astray.
Establish and Enforce Boundaries
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries or shames you for them, that’s a clear sign they’re not the right person for you. Imagine telling them: “I don’t mind talking to you, but having these deep conversations is too much—especially when you’ve expressed that you don’t want a commitment. It only brings confusion. You treat me like we’re together, but we’re not. If this continues, I’m going to have to step away.”
This may sound harsh, but ask yourself—what’s more important? Them getting what they want from you or protecting your well-being? Yes, you risk losing them, but the truth is, you never really had them in the first place. They keep telling you, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” yet they still invite you to hang out. They don’t see a future with you, but they occasionally say things like, “I wish I could marry someone like you.” I hate to say it, but your emotions are being played.
Recognise manipulation
Don’t fall into the trap of their words—pay attention to their actions. That will reveal the truth. Too many women say, “I know he likes me, but he hasn’t said I’m his girlfriend,” or, “We’ve been off and on for years.” You shouldn’t be in an off-and-on situation. If someone truly wants to be with you, their mind is already made up. It’s only a matter of time before you make things official. There may be hiccups along the way, but they won’t stand in the way of a real commitment. You’ll meet their family and friends. A wedding date will be set. You’ll discuss where you’ll live together.
Stand firm in your boundaries. You’re not asking for too much by wanting clarity and commitment. If they’re not on board or are dragging their feet, there’s no sense in trying to drag them to the altar. Some may argue, “Well, marriage isn’t for everyone,” and I understand that perspective. However, as Christians, we are called to a higher standard. Wanting the benefits of a covenant without marriage is not pleasing to the Lord. If the person you’re talking to is okay with that, you need to walk away—immediately.
Trust God Over your Feelings
I’m not going to tell you it was easy to block the man I was talking to back in 2019. At one point, I truly believed he was my husband. I thought I was seeing confirmations everywhere, but now I know it wasn’t from the Lord. Sometimes, we want something so badly that we convince ourselves God is saying “yes” when He isn’t. We mistake our own desires for His approval.
If this person were truly God’s choice for you, you wouldn’t feel confused. 1 Corinthians 14:33a says, “For God is not the author of confusion but of peace.” So why would He bring someone into your life who only brings chaos instead of clarity? Since meeting this person, all you do is overthink: “Is today the day they finally choose me?”
You’re constantly trying to win their affection. Maybe you go out of your way to get them gifts. There’s nothing wrong with kind gestures, but if you’re trying to buy their love, you’re in the wrong. Do relationships take work? Yes. But the difference is that situationships are one-sided. If you’re giving them your best while they only give you their leftovers, it’s time to walk away.
How to trust God
I know it’s hard when you’ve already imagined a future with them. But you need to trust God over your feelings. They’re not going to change their mind about you. This isn’t a romantic comedy where they have a sudden epiphany and run through traffic to declare their love. The late Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” And as the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Don’t let your emotions deceive you. Feelings are temporary. If I told you your spouse was just around the corner, would you leave this situationship immediately? I think you would—because God’s best is close by. I don’t know when your time will come, but don’t settle for second best when God has a grade-A plan for you. Trust Him with your heart—He cares about it more than you do.
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