This blog post will help you decide whether it’s time to break up with the person you’re dating.

TL;DR: The Summary

Here an upfront list of the 5 signs you need to break up:

• They don’t love you well
• They do not serve their family
• There’s more than one god in the relationship
• One of you has a saviour complex
• They have no grace for you

Intro

Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Perhaps the most public dissection of any relationship, ever. If you were anything like me you found yourself glued to the unfolding trial, tallying red flags on either side and trying to weigh in on who to believe. Regardless of your opinion, the truth stands that their turbulent marriage was entirely dysfunctional. It does not take a relationship expert to identify the reasons: the evidence is in the fruit of their union. The anger, hurt and a desire to publicly set the record straight, whatever the cost. And whilst (god willing) none of us will end up in such a dramatic situation, Heard vs Depp reveals the reality of the imperfection of human relationships, it reveals that desire for another person can blind us of our incompatibility, or even of our partner’s inability to partake in a mature, fruitful and godly marriage.

Two Possible Endings

All relationships have two possible endings: you stay together or you break up. The purpose of dating is to work out which road to go down, and we’re here to help.

Let us first remind you that you are free to choose singleness. Right now it might be the most godly decision you can make. There are two moments in which this choice becomes more pressing:

• 1. in the first rush of messages and first dates
• 2.  in the long-term relationship which doesn’t seem to be heading towards marriage.

This blog post will tackle five key points to look out for if there is doubt lurking in the back of your mind. Before we begin there is one point which I’m going to throw in right at the beginning and if you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a hundred times. In 2 Corinthians 6:14 God tells us ‘Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?’ I cannot emphasise enough that if you are dating a non-Christian, then their absence of faith is the biggest red flag of them all. Without the solid shared foundation of Jesus your relationship cannot bear fruit. The heartbreak is worth it because we have been given something so much greater.

They Don’t Love You Well

This might seem obvious: why would I be with someone who doesn’t love me? But the bible teaches us that love is not a feeling but an action.

In 1 Corinthians 13 we find that beautiful passage which is read at most weddings: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails”

Don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest that this is the standard of love we must look for in our partner. The love described here is the perfect love God has shown us through his son. Of course we all mess up sometimes, none of us are Jesus, but this passage is a helpful map with which we can identify patterns in our partner’s behaviour. No matter how many times your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you those three words “I love you” if their actions don’t match up, then it’s time to call it a day.

They Do Not Serve Their Family

It may be tempting to skip over this one, if he/she loves me, that’s all that matters right? But this is perhaps the most fool-proof way of revealing the contents of a person’s heart. When God tells us ‘My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you’ (John 15:12), he intended us to practise this love. We should ask ourselves: who are they surrounded by and how do they interact? Pay attention to the way they speak about their family. Notice how they treat the elderly members of their church. Observe the culture they foster in their friendship group. This is ultimately the way they will treat you and maybe one day treat your children. 

Concern should flicker across your face if themes emerge of disrespect, if they rejoice in other people’s failings or suffering, if they are self-righteous and unwilling to serve.

If you can’t answer any of these questions then I would ask why not. Have you met any of their friends or family? Have they welcomed you into their lives? A conversation needs to be had!

There’s More Than One God in the Relationship

As a Christian couple you may stand side by side but, to move forwards, you should both be looking up at God rather than one another. There is a deal-breaking problem if this is not the picture of your relationship. Who else, or what else, is materialising in the mental image you’ve just drawn? It’s that fourth member of your relationship which you are continually having to accommodate. 

Is your partner struggling with an addiction: to social media, porn or even their job? Are they persistently coveting others, chasing after a certain image as they pour hours of their life into the gym? Are they failing to make it to church because they just can’t say no to a Saturday night with their mates? Maybe it’s more subtle: there is a friend or parent who seems to direct their every choice. Or they’ve wanted to be a doctor their whole life and nothing (even you) is going to get in their way. Maybe they’re chasing too hard after that six figure salary or they objectify your body continually because they believe sex is going to fulfil them.

These are revelations which may take time to come to the surface but they should not be ignored. Perhaps there is a way of navigating through these issues. My instinct is that they’re not ready right now to be in a relationship. There are things to be worked out between them and God. The greatest thing you can give them right now is time and space and prayer.

There’s a Saviour Complex

This might be the trap we all fall into when we first enter the world of dating and relationships. The belief that having a partner will make me whole. When I’m finally married my life will be complete. I’ll be happy once he likes me back. Friend, none of these are true. Even that couple at church, or the insta couples (looking at you Jess and Gabe), who look perfect, fulfilled and happy on the surface, are facing all the human problems that you and I are too. 

Acts 4:12 teaches us “And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” Only Jesus can save. We are not ready to enter a relationship if we believe that the other person can save or complete us. We are not ready to date if we believe the other person can provide us with our self worth.

There are two sides to this because you are also incapable of saving another person. We cannot do Jesus’s job. If you’re dating someone because you think they can’t live without you, then it might feel great right now but you weren’t designed for that role and it’s going to become more and more painful down the line. If you find yourself in an endless cycle of bending over backwards for them, becoming burnt out with the effort to make them feel good about themselves, then there are issues which need addressing. 

Trust your instinct on this, it’s not right. Singleness is always going to be the better alternative if your relationship looks like this.

They Have No Grace For You

If you’re not already feeling very uncomfortable then I’m sure this one will tip the balance. Let’s ponder the marriage vows for a moment “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Friend, how can we know that the person we’re hoping to meet at the end of the aisle can fulfil these promises if we have not navigated similar moments whilst dating them? Their communication with you now is a blueprint for how they will treat you in marriage. We must never suppose that we can change a person, because only God has the power to do that.

It is so important that when inevitably difficult moments arise that you are able to navigate through it in a godly way. From their attitude towards minor inconveniences like a traffic jam, to their communication when they have messed up and hurt you. They are indicators of the future troubles which, in marriage, you will have to overcome as a team.

What will become of it?

Today’s inability to acknowledge your sadness, becomes tomorrow’s denial of your grief. Today’s tantrum that you forgot you were meeting them at the station becomes tomorrow’s week-long guilt-tripping. The mocking you for that quirk you have had since childhood becomes stripping away all your self-assurance. Do not ignore the fact that they cannot communicate to you when there is a problem. 

The bottom line under this point is how much grace is there in your relationship? If you know that your partner has no grace for you, that you cannot put a toe out of line then it’s a sign you need to break up. If, on the other hand, you find yourself angered by everything they do, you are unable to take responsibility for your own actions and forgiveness seems a distant impossibility, then it’s a sign.

Let’s Conclude

This probably hasn’t been an easy read, maybe it’s stirred some really difficult feelings and you know there are painful conversations ahead. Please take heart that Jesus is walking alongside you through this process and that if breaking up is the right thing to do, then it will be for your good and God’s glory. Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” take time now to ponder this as you pray over these five signs that you need to break up. Talk to a good Christian friend or someone wise and trusted at church. The world of Christian dating can be difficult to navigate, but we can all have confidence in the Lord who is in control of all hearts, and will lift us out of all heartbreak.

If you’re sure it’s time to break up, when you’re ready to find a wholesome relationship, try SALT Christian dating app.