I can hear you talking, you know… you’re asking “why even talk about this, isn’t it obvious that Christians are meant to wait until marriage to have sex?”  Dear reader, if it were that simple, we wouldn’t see so many problems in the church with sexual deviancy and immorality.  We at SALT care a lot about facilitating relationships, and we want people not just to meet each other, but do it well.  So let’s talk about the importance of sexual boundaries in relationships.

Christians probably think their understanding of sexuality and what’s okay and what’s not comes from one source – the Bible.  I think you might be surprised to know that our concepts of sexuality are in reality so heavily influenced by not only our upbringing, but also our culture and our own personal convictions.  It can be a real minefield to navigate!  The church often teaches purity, which seems like the right intent, however it’s been shown to be harmful at times due to the shame and unrealistic expectations that come along with it.  Contrast this with the world’s lackadaisical approach to sex that’s all around us and it’s no wonder Christians are having a hard time navigating it all!  So I’ll do my best to bring a little bit of perspective and hopefully some important revelation to the topic based on my own experience and understanding of scripture.

Sex is Good

The first thing that needs to be established (and hopefully everyone can agree with) is that sex itself is not sinful or evil.  We are born with these God-given desires to have sex, reproduce, have intimacy with our partner, and also have fun!  But it’s important that we understand not only what God’s will for us regarding sexuality, but also why we should do things his way.

Maybe let’s look at the Bible for some clues, shall we?  

1 Thessalonians 4:3-8:

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to lead a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his holy spirit.

Lust is Bad

The Bible seems to make an awful stink about this concept of lust and how it violates love and is akin to sexual immorality.  Oxford dictionary defines lust as “strong sexual desire” or “strong sexual desire for someone”.  But Matt, you may ask, didn’t you just say that these desires we have are natural and from God?  Why, yes, they are!  Which is why we have to understand what the Bible means when it says “lust” and what makes it distinct from just raw sexual desire, which is innate to our humanity.

History lesson

The first thing we have to understand is that sexuality in the Roman culture that much of the New Testament was written in was approached very different than today’s culture.  Today we by-and-large view sexuality as being between two consensual adults (typically a man and a woman), who engage in whatever acts they desire to fulfil their wants and needs (and hopefully the others’, too!).  In Roman culture, sex wasn’t about mutual gratification, but had more to do with power – men would often use sex to assert their dominance.  Today we would frown on that mentality because we view women as equal human beings to men and not meant to be just used for male gratification, but back then women were not even considered full human beings, never mind sexually autonomous individuals.

So when the Bible talks about lust, we have to understand that at the very least it’s talking about using sexuality selfishly, rather than using it as an expression of love.  That’s why the above verse says to not take advantage of someone else sexually or be swept up in passion, but to control yourself.  Jesus came and died for all, and he loves everyone – man, woman, child – everyone.  This intrinsic love for all people is the foundation of Biblical boundaries.

Distortions of God’s Best

It’s also why any deviations to God’s design for sex between man and woman in marriage are sinful and selfish. They are not God’s best.

• Premarital sex says that sex without commitment is okay. But God created sex for marriage to reflect His love, not to be used casually. 
• Masturbation points to instant gratification and personal gain, serving the individual over the relationship. 
• Pornography makes an object out of sex for profit and exploitation. This degrades people and encourages dangerous sexual behaviour. 
• Rape says that sex can be taken or is owed. When consent is disregarded and manipulation enters – sex becomes abuse. 

This is not what God made sex for. He created sex to be good, enjoyable, bonding, self-giving and life making – in marriage. This is sex at its best!

Marriage Matters

Now the question comes in – we understand that sex is meant to be a more selfless and loving act rather than an expression of power or taking someone from the other person, but when is sex okay?  The Bible talks a lot about how marriage – two people committed to one another for life – is the best and most holy place for sex.  This makes sense logically also, because choosing to have sex outside of marriage creates three main problems that don’t have easy solutions:

1. Unwanted pregnancy
2. Sexually-transmitted diseases
3. Emotional damage

Unwanted Pregnancy

Having sex outside of marriage, even if you use protection, can still lead to a pregnancy.  Shocker, I know.  The world is littered with people who have to raise a child as a teenager or on their own, and although they love their child immensely, they often have to give up some of their dreams and desires in life, drop everything and become a parent before they’re ready.  Even if you’re in a relationship, you probably don’t want to consider having children until you’re married and committed to one another, otherwise you may end up in a similar scenario.  The only real solution to stop this is sexual abstinence outside of marriage.  This applies to women but also to the men, who still morally and legally must take responsibility for a child they helped conceive.  These decisions affect everyone, and it can affect the children involved the most!

Sexually-transmitted diseases

Something that Christians often don’t like to talk about (likely due to the effects of purity culture) is the impact of potentially deadly sexually-transmitted diseases such as Hepatitis C/B and HIV/AIDS.  Having sex (even protected sex) can lead to the transmission of these diseases – even from oral sex!  Do your research on these diseases and you will conclude that you will want nothing to do with them.  Better to wait until you’re in a committed lifetime relationship because you know neither of you will be having sex with anyone else.  And if either of you have a sexual past, it’s okay to get tested and make sure you know what you’re getting into!  Better safe than sorry, and another important reason why waiting until marriage is probably your best bet.

Emotional damage

This one is often downplayed by people outside the church, but they’re only lying to themselves – having sex is incredible emotional and very intimate.  There’s something powerful and meaningful about sex, whether it be cultural, spiritual, or biological.  When you join yourself with another person in an act of sex, you’re putting your walls down and trusting them, and allowing them access into a very personal and very holistic side of you that should only be reserved for the person you share the depths of your soul with.

It’s the reason very few people are okay with cheating on their spouse or being cheated on – it’s a violation of trust and a betrayal of that intimacy that you share.  Having sex outside of marriage makes it easier to develop this intimacy with someone before that commitment is there, which often leads to one or both parties getting hurt in some way and having a hard time moving on.  That’s why Song of Songs 2:7 recommends that you “not arose or awaken love until it so desires” – aka when you have that commitment to one another.  It’s better for all involved.

Boundaries in Dating

So what is okay and what’s not before you’re married?  No one can set this boundary for you or define it because it’s not about “the rules” and not violating them, it’s about understanding God’s heart and the why of sexuality that we can make decisions from.  And for that, you need to seek the Lord, know what you are okay with and what you’re not, and most importantly communicate those desires with your partner. 

If you’re looking to find a godly partner who aligns with your views on sex, you should try SALT Christian dating app.

Sex is based on consent and communication, and it’s not okay to make assumptions that the other person may not be okay with.  We must not be ignorant, saints, of the impact sexual activity outside of marriage can have on our lives and the lives of others and make decisions that best uphold God’s love.