In this post we lay out 3 Red Flags in Christian dating that you should run from. Plus we give 3 Green Flags that show you’ve found a great partner.

You know the feeling when your best friend starts telling you about their new boyfriend/girlfriend and you get this sinking in your gut which doesn’t go away because you just know that they’re not right for each other. Although it’s not the ideal situation it is a great example of discernment. It’s something we find so much easier to work out when we’re not the one entangled in all the feelings involved in the relationship. 

Maybe the time has come for you to dip your toe into the world of Christian dating. You’ve downloaded SALT, you’ve taken hours crafting your profile and now you’re ready to start browsing. But as you swipe through profile after profile of great guys/girls, you begin to realise that finding what you think you’re looking for is not that easy. You realise that the same discernment you feel instantaneously for your friend (who you naturally believe deserves the world) does not kick in when you match with that one profile you can’t stop thinking about. Well fear not! We have written a speedy go-to guide for discernment in dating.

Ask yourself: who would you want your best friend to date? What qualities would you look for in the person your daughter is going to marry? This is the high standard we are setting for you! In this blog post we will cover three red flags and three green flags for discernment in dating.

Red Flag #1: They’re shady and secretive

Ephesians 4:25 is a call to a life of honesty as it tells us, ‘therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbour, for we are all members of one body.’ It is a sure sign he/she is not for you if their behaviour does not align with their place as part of the body of the church.

Although forbidden love might seem romantic in Romeo and Juliet, we all know how that ended up. If your boyfriend/girlfriend is determined to keep you a secret from their family and friends then there’s something weird going on. There will always be some excuse they will come up with but you must set your own boundary knowing that if they really loved you they would welcome you in every part of their life and show you off!

Another way in which this might pose a red flag is if they are not willing to open up to others when you are faced with a dilemma. Seeking wisdom from someone at church about whether it is the right time for them to be dating, or whether you’re ready for marriage, is healthy and encouraged through bible teaching. If they are unwilling to open up to anyone then they are probably not ready for a relationship.

Maybe they haven’t kept you a secret but you know they are economic with the truth, and it’s gone beyond them having an air of mystery. They avoid certain topics. They are inconsistent in their communication with you and you feel like you don’t really know them beneath the surface. If they’re not transparent with you, and it’s more than just them being a private person then it’s time to call it a day.

Red Flag #2: They’re self-centred

This is the red flag of disappointment. They’re beautiful, you have similar interests and they are super keen to meet up and treat you to dinner. But it gets to dessert and you realise you know everything about them nad they know nothing about you. You know all about their recent holiday to Mallorca, you could recognise their colleagues by name if you popped into their office, and you should be given some credit for planning the final details of their best mate’s stag do. Not ideal, because they don’t know any more about you than what they can glean from your SALT profile. 

Maybe this seems a little extreme (is it though?). Maybe when you started dating they were interested in listening to you. They were keen to invest time into your interests, chilled when you offered an opinion which contradicts their own. Now it feels like you’re the sidekick and they’re the main character.

Let me explain

In Philippians 2:3 we read “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves’. Romantic relationships are perhaps the greatest test and the greatest opportunity to demonstrate humility, selflessness and servitude. If you’re slowly realising that they “love” you only when you fit in with their image, then they are serving themselves, not you, and definitely not God. Maybe they never ask you personal questions, and if they do, they’re not really listening. If they constantly push you to cancel your plans with friends so you can spend time together. They try to influence how you dress or what you eat. If discussions about the future are looking more and more like their ambitions and less and less like yours, then it’s time to run out the door.

The difficult thing about this kind of relationship is that it will probably be sugar-coated with a sickly-sweet amount of verbal flattery and maybe even an excess of gifts/gestures. Seek guidance from friends and trusted loved ones who can see your relationship from the outside. It will be a difficult thing to hear but so much better to nip a toxic relationship in the bud than sit through it, hoping that things will get better one day.

Our good friend Ainsley B wrote a great book about how to recognise a toxic relationship. Plus how to overcome emotional abuse with God’s help.

Red Flag #3: They’re inconsistent

1 Corinthians 15:58 reads “Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labour is not in vain.” In this verse we see God’s call to consistency. We serve God when we strive to be constant in the way we love others, just as he loves us unchangingly. 

If your boyfriend or girlfriend regularly changes their mind about you then they are not loving you as God has called us to love one another. They might avoid talking about the future of your relationship. Or maybe they love talking about your amazing future together but they regularly let you down in the present. You might find yourself mood-watching every time you see them, adjusting your behaviour to try and please them and make them love you more. They might treat you well when you’re alone but as soon as you’re with their friends you feel like you’ve been sidelined. This blowing hot and cold is a major red flag. However wonderful they can be sometimes, they’re playing games with your heart if these scenarios ring true to your experience of dating. The highs will never be worth the lows, save yourself for something better.

Green Flag #1: They’re kind and emotionally available

Is there really anything more attractive than that person who asks you “are you okay?” and really means it? Or that guy who you saw kneeling on the ground to talk to a homeless person? Or the woman who stopped to help when she saw a broken down car? Spend time with the person you’re dating and witness them interact with the people around them: strangers, friends and their family. If it’s with grace and kindness that’s a sure green flag. It shows that, even when they will receive no glory for their actions, they are striving to be like Jesus. 

Obviously, it’s not just about how they treat others, it’s about how they treat you too. Ephesians 4:32 teaches us ‘Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.’ Tenderhearted-ness is so underrated. What does it look like? It looks like the partner who is emotionally available to sit with you in whatever highs and lows you are going through. Someone who genuinely wants to know how you’re doing, someone who listens when you’ve had a bad day and rejoices when you are having a good day. A person who is able to talk about their feelings and admit that they are struggling. Someone who is able to ask for help when they need it. Someone who rushes towards you to (metaphorically and literally) embrace you when you are upset, rather than running the other way because they find it too “awkward.”

The ideal

Your person is emotionally mature enough to know their own limits and boundaries, and is willing to learn about yours too. This green flag is a good sign that your partner will stand beside you through the trials that life will bring, however long your future is together.

Green Flag #2: They are solution-focused and willing to compromise

At some point down the line you will inevitably run into some difficulty as a couple. Maybe you have an argument. Perhaps you decide it’s time to address that you’re finding long-distance too hard. Maybe they’ve been offered a promotion at work which means they won’t be so available to see you. Whatever it is, we do truly sympathise that it is painful, it’s a true test of the strength of your relationship and your individual trust in God’s plan. But there is a silver lining. Navigating these situations offers an opportunity to see whether your boyfriend/girlfriend is solution focused. And whether they’re willing to compromise when you are seeking a way forward together. 

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” A partner who sees there is a way forward and actively pursues it is a keeper. 

How does this look?

When difficulties arise your partner does not ignore them, hoping they will go away, but initiates open and clear communication with you. They are prayerful when approaching these conversations, trusting that they are ultimately not in control but God is. During difficult discussions they are willing to listen as well as offer their point of view. They are keen to find a compromise, rather than forcing their agenda onto you. Ultimately, they want to make the relationship work, which means finding solutions rather than just pointing out problems. Sooner or later you’ll find that compromise is the life-jacket of marriage and parenthood. So it is a vital ingredient to look for in your boyfriend/girlfriend right now.

Green Flag #3: They point you to Jesus

This final green flag should be a non-negotiable on your “ideal spouse” list. If you’re part of a church family, you have someone that points you to Jesus. That wise friend who you can share anything with, good or bad, and they will always warmly and gently point you to Jesus. Now think of that problematic non-Christian friend you meet up with for a catch up which nearly always turns into a huge gossip session.

Which friend would you want to live with? Who do you walk away from feeling built up and energised? Which friend do you hope to grow more and more like? Now imagine that you have to choose one of them to be your life partner. You’d be crazy not to pick your godly friend from church right?

Think about it

When you date someone, you are exploring the possibility that they could be with you for the rest of your lives. Contemplate that for a moment. It could be 30, 40, 50, 60 years of sharing a home, a family, a church, living for God’s glory. 2 Timothy 4:2 reads “Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.” This should be in the forefront of our minds when we’re dating for marriage.

You’re going to talk to this person more than you talk to anyone else. You will see them more than you see anyone else. You’re going to pray with them and worship with them more than with anybody else. So please make sure that you prioritise their ability and willingness to point you to Jesus. It is a huge confirmation of their suitability as a spouse if their conversation is seasoned with salt. They should have church written into their diary every Sunday. They initiate prayer when you’re together, and offer to pray for you when you’re not. There is truly nothing more attractive, and no quality more important.

Let’s Conclude

So you’ve made it this far. You’re either inwardly rejoicing because your partner is only waving green flags. Or you might be feeling heavy knowing that your relationship is not right. We pray that you know God’s peace as he walks with you in whatever the future holds for your relationship.

Draw near to those who know you and your boyfriend/girlfriend. Approach them ask for prayer and wisdom as you contemplate these things. It may be that your best friend has been dying to tell you that you deserve so much better. You have to admit you know you’d feel the same for them.

If you thought this was good advice, read our other posts like Tips for Dating App Success.