I dread ‘church shopping’. 

The worst was as a student. In a new city and on my own I attempted to find a new church to call ‘home’

I encountered suspicious lyrics in worship songs, showing up wearing the entirely wrong clothing choices, wanting to die inside as a service came to a grinding halt while the offering plate was passed around, and finding out the student ministry was on the other side of the city from the location of the church. 

Week after week I felt like I was really trying, looking for a church where I felt I could fit in and could connect with God. But it wasn’t happening and I was getting angry. 

So much so, in a huff I went to an evening service an hour away from where I lived even though I told myself I’d never do that. 

And it all fell into place. My favourite worship song was played. I spoke to some friendly people. They gave me a free donut. I felt inspired and challenged by the teaching. I knew God was telling me that this was the place. 

And on the way home I thought. Maybe I’ll meet my husband here…

TL;DR: The Summary

In the church shopping/church ‘hopping’ considerations, many Christian singles wonder if they will meet other single people at the church they are in. 

And for the single Christian it makes sense that frustrations may arise when we’re in church and we think:

“I can’t date any of these people.”

It brings us the question – if no suitable mate can be found in the Sunday pews, does it make sense to start to consider alternative church options? Because how else can we find a date, right?!

Let’s dive into this question a little deeper, one I think many Chrisitan men and women who are single are thinking but maybe not saying out loud. 

Should I Move Churches to Find Christian Singles?

Signs that you should move:

• Thinking of leaving.
• I don’t belong.
• Not so ‘regular’.  

Signs that you shouldn’t move:

• Single(s) focus.
• Spiritual home / Multiple moves.
• The pitfalls of church dating.

You could… 

• Change it up.
• Get social.
• Go digital.

Signs That You Should Move: Thinking of Leaving

I think there’s a lot of taboo around leaving a church.

Of course in some denominations this is trickier to do than others due to how they run their membership. 

I know of many people who would like to move churches but feel unable to do so, unclear on the rules or unsupported by the church in making that kind of decision. 

However if you are considering leaving the church you have either been in for a while, or thought you might settle in but now aren’t too sure of – to my mind adding the factor of meeting more singles in a future church isn’t’ a huge deal. 

Be wary of this being your sole motivation, more on that later. But other ‘issues’ might lead someone away from one church and back onto the search for another and that’s okay. 

Sadly no church is perfect. You might encounter unhealthy aspects to the church culture, personal things you can’t move past, theological disagreements or simply you are having to move anyway due to a change in circumstances.

Moving church may naturally lead to you finding more Chrisitan singles just because it’s a different church. As Bryan Stoudt notes: 

(…) Churches tend to attract people who value what they do, so if the church isn’t solid in important areas, you’re less likely to meet a godly spouse there anyway.

If you are thinking of moving on anyway for other (perhaps multiple) reasons, it’s not morally wrong to include meeting fellow singles in a different church as one new ‘ideal’ element of the church you go to next. 

Hopefully, as the loving Christian communities churches should be, we can be grace focused in supporting those who choose to move on and welcoming those who choose to come through the doors for the first time in equal measure.

Signs That You Should Move: I Don’t Belong

Everyone matters in the body of Christ (1 Corinthians 12:12-27). But I know the uncomfortable feeling of not belonging in a church. Not because you’re the only single person, there can be more to it than that. 

• Perhaps you feel judged, for your single status or otherwise.  
• Or that there isn’t openness to the gifts you could serve with. 
• Maybe you struggle to get past the real basics of conversation with the people there or they aren’t speaking to you at all. 
• Or  you cannot bear the thought of sticking around longer after the service. 

These are all signs that, especially after your first initial visit(s), might indicate that moving churches is right for you anyway. 

Singleness often implies ‘youth’ and those that are older can feel even more out of place in a church. As Hatty Calbus starkly puts in in Women Alive:

Single Christian women in their fifties and beyond might as well not exist for all anyone hears of them.

Feeling unseen or not seeing anyone else like you in a church space can be incredibly isolating and contribute to a (good) reason to find a different place to worship.

Signs That You Should Move: Not so ‘regular’

This may be obvious, but it’s only really moving churches if you are a regular attendee there. 

That’s not to say you should never move churches if you are a regular at a specific church, but by not having regular attendance at one church you can certainly feel more relaxed in decisions to look elsewhere for church community, whether that be about seeking someone to date or not. 

So what counts as regular?

Well for different churches this will mean different things but it could be qualified by one or more of the following:

• More than one person knows you by name.
• You attend the same church twice a month.
• Involvement in church activity to some degree (e.g. mid-week group, serving and so on). 
• A commitment to the church like regular giving/tithing or membership. 

So if this doesn’t sound like you in your current church going pattern, before you go rushing off to find the single guys and girls elsewhere it might be worth asking yourself a question…

Why am I not able to be a regular at this church?

Your answers may vary; I’m never going to meet single people here, the church is too far from my home, the service time doesn’t always match my work shifts, etc. 

Assessing the answer before you look elsewhere would be a wise move in figuring out what you want to prioritise in a new church search or whether (despite the possibility of no singles) there are opportunities to invest in where you are at.

Signs That You Shouldn’t Move: Single(s) Focus

If the entire reason you want to move church is only to meet other single Christians you can date, this may be the wrong focus.

After all, the church wasn’t created to be a dating hub, spitting out new couples and growing the church purely through reproduction. 

Churches exist to spread the Good News, to be a consistent space for people who follow Jesus to spend time with Him, to worship God and to bless others who come through the church doors with their time, talents and treasure. 

Here’s a compelling question to help ground us when the panic of singleness in the church you’re at makes you want to jump ship. 

• Who am I going to church to meet?

Instead of attending church with an attitude of ‘What can church offer me?’ we, as people who aim to love God and love others, should know that we are going to church to meet with God first and foremost. Our attitude should instead be “How am I coming to worship and serve the Lord?”

When you’re in a good, healthy community that allows you to worship, learn and serve God well – your thoughts and prayers around dating will be guided in a more God-honouring way. Ditching the ‘God bit’ and seeing church as a means to end your singleness is not a healthy attitude. 

It’s particularly important to think about things if you are a regular or member within your church. Leaving a good church that you are a part of shouldn’t be a quick or easy decision just because you want to meet other singles. 

Consider your commitments and what you bring to this place and wrestle a little with the idea that in leaving, you may be putting your own wants above the church’s needs.

Signs You Shouldn’t Move: Spiritual Home / Multiple Moves

Think for a second – 

Why did you choose the church you attend in the first place?

Like my example as a student, I chose a church because I knew God was telling me that it was the place I was meant to be. I felt like God had told me ‘this is it’. 

Finding a church that feels like a spiritual ‘home’ doesn’t happen every time you walk through church doors. I believe God places people in specific churches for specific reasons at specific times. 

If you have this sense, or confirmation from God, about where you are at – don’t throw it away just because there’s no one ‘suitable’ to date. 

I say this because if you do move to meet other singles and you don’t find a spouse, when does the need to move churches stop?

If you go to this new church and nothing happens there, will you move again? Would that put you into an unhealthy situation of defining your life around wife seeking? (John Piper)

Being always on the church move will bring instability to your regular walk in faith. Don’t sacrifice this just in the hope to meet someone to marry. After all, you could find a church full of single people and still they might not be the one for you.

Signs You Shouldn’t Move: Pitfalls of Church Dating

In our hopes to meet other goldy single men or women at church to fall in love with, we might forget that dating in your church isn’t always smooth sailing. 

This is true for men as well as women, as Justin Campbell reflects:

In the church as a guy, if you never approach anyone then you are obviously passive, and not a real Christian leader.  But if you approach too many people you are “that guy”.  And here’s the best part about that.  There are two “that guys”.  The one who approaches and gets shot down by everyone and the one who is successful in the approach but then decides he doesn’t want a second date (or third, or fourth, or doesn’t want to marry that girl).  In a hurry you become either the creeper or the player.  Welcome to dating in the church as a guy.

Chrisitan dating doesn’t always go well just because you’re both Chritisians. And that’s before you add in the opinions (and interjections) of others in your church community. 

Before you seek singles in church pastures new, it might be worth bringing yourself up to speed with some alternative, and realistic dating advice in SALT’s blog ‘What’s Wrong With Christian Dating?!’

You Could…

Some of you now are likely thinking – what now? If I like my church but don’t think I’ll be able to meet anyone there to date, what should I do?

Here are a few thoughts on how you could broaden your search to find single Christians that are outside of your church.

Change it up

Be a visitor! 

You can still be a committed member at your church and visit other churches occasionally. There are lots of reasons you may end up doing this anyway, or even have in the past.

• Going to a different church when you’re on holiday, visiting family or travelling for work. 
• Supporting a friend as they find their own church, or attending a big event in their church that matters to them (e.g. baptisms).
• Supporting a community effort to connect churches in your local area, perhaps with combined church services at Christmas or Easter. 

Now, let’s not enter these churches and think ‘keep your eyes peeled, there could be a single person here to impress’, but remember that these are good opportunities to meet other Christians and be open to connections (romantic or otherwise) which may happen. 

The church is a big body of people, but I always find no matter what church I go to, there’s an unexpected connection to someone in that church because Christians… I guess it’s a small world sometimes. 

If you do meet and hit it off with a fellow Christian single in a different church, a) great! b) don’t panic!

Even if you did meet in the same church, further down the line in a relationship there will always be a decision about what church to go to if marriage happens. Try not to worry about that so much in early stages.

Get Social

Now this is definitely more intentional and ‘dating’ focused. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. 

Getting social with other Christians will broaden your exposure to potential dates. You could attend social events where Christians may be without actually having to leave your church.

This could be through local, national or global Christian events, festivals, seminars, or online spaces.

There are single Christians out there, sometimes you’ve just gotta go to the places where they are at.

Go Digital

I know some people really don’t want to meet their ‘person’ through online dating – which is fair. However if you are struggling to meet single Christians near you or in your church perhaps you might like to reconsider. 

Give online dating a try and be flexible with your distance settings. Join a whole community of single Christians who are open to date. 

If it’s not for you that’s fine. But maybe it’ll work out better than you expected…

Let’s Conclude

So, should you move churches to find Christian singles?

Well if you were considering leaving for other reasons anyway, you’re struggling to connect generally at the church you are at or aren’t a regular after all – sure, why not?!

But before you run out the door, take a moment and think about your heart motivation, whether you’ll be leaving the place God put you and the realities of dating as a Chrisitan in church. 

Sometimes dating happens by chance, other times it doesn’t. Being open to visiting other churches, social events and even setting up an online profile might lead to more progress than leaving your church anyway.