This post gives practical wisdom about how to guard your heart while you’re single. How to keep you heart open to love and healthy relationships while before you find your spouse.
TL:DR: The Summary
How can you guard your heart while single and not let what others say affect you? How can you stay the course and follow what God has called you to do now, before a spouse comes into the picture? It’s easy to get caught up in what others think you should do, but the only opinion that truly matters is God’s. Here are five ways to guard your heart while you are single.
- Focus on your Relationship with God
- Choose Wise Relationships with Others
- Discern Your Desires
- Commit to Purpose over Pressure
- Wait for God’s Timing
This is not about having a foolproof method. Unfortunately, many Christian singles seek a secret formula to escape singleness as quickly as possible. What they fail to understand is that sometimes, God may simply want them to Himself. There may be something He wants them to do in this season that does not require a spouse. Trust that God has a perfect plan for your life. In due time, He will reveal who your spouse is. In the meantime, you can guard your heart while waiting for the right one.
Intro
“Is it even necessary to guard my heart while I am still single?” Many Christian singles wonder if they even need to guard their hearts, especially if they are not actively dating. Some fall into what is considered “closed singleness,” meaning they are single and not currently seeking a relationship or wanting to be found by a spouse. They may be in a season of personal growth—where God is working on their hearts, they are healing from past trauma, or they are simply taking time to regroup and rediscover who they are.
So, how can you, as a Christian single, guard your heart even when you’re not in the dating phase? This is a common concern, and guarding your heart does not mean shutting yourself off from everyone. A common misconception is that guarding your heart means avoiding relationships altogether. However, that was never God’s intention. Guarding your heart doesn’t mean closing yourself off from the world—it means being intentional about what influences your emotions, thoughts, and desires.
Created for relationship
God created us for relationships. In the Garden of Eden, after creating Adam, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” This didn’t mean Adam was incomplete; rather, it emphasized that we were designed for community and connection. Unfortunately, some Christian singles take this to an extreme, which makes it difficult for them to form friendships with the opposite sex without feeling awkward or pressured.
You’ve probably seen it happen—you make a simple connection at church, and before you know it, the whole congregation assumes you’re dating. It’s as if you can’t be friends with the opposite sex without people speculating about a romantic relationship. If you’re not careful, these outside suggestions can influence your thoughts, leading you to develop feelings for someone who may have only been meant to be a friend.
Are you in a season where you’re not supposed to be dating? If so, there is nothing wrong with that. Simply seek the Lord and ask Him for clarity. He will make it clear whether this is the right time for you to pursue a relationship or if He is calling you to focus on something else in this season of your life.
Focus on your relationship with God
We often hear the advice to focus on God, but unfortunately, many Christian singles see this as a cliché. Spending time with Jesus during a season of singleness isn’t always appealing to those who are eager to get married. They may feel like they are missing out or that time is passing them by—especially as they grow older and it seems like there are no prospects for a spouse. I remember feeling that way when I was single. If you know my story, I remained single for 12 years.
While I was focusing on my relationship with God, there were times when it felt like I was missing out. The enemy would lie to me, telling me that I was wasting my time and that nothing good could come from simply growing in my relationship with the Lord. But that was a lie. In reality, prioritizing my relationship with God was one of the best decisions I made. It prepared me for marriage in ways I didn’t fully realize at the time.
Equipped for marriage
What many Christian singles don’t understand is that by focusing on their relationship with the Lord, they are becoming better equipped for marriage. For example, as believers, we are called to deny ourselves, become more like Christ, and seek the well-being of others. This doesn’t mean having low self-esteem or lacking self-worth. Rather, it means not being so self-centered that we only care about our own needs. If you are self-focused now in singleness, you will carry that same mindset into marriage. However, when you focus on the Lord, He reveals the areas in your life that need to change so that you can reflect Christ more and yourself less.
By spending time with God, I was able to heal, grow, and mature into the woman my husband is married to today. I don’t get it right all the time, but I strive to consider my husband’s needs more than my own. That doesn’t mean I am less important or that I don’t matter—it means I am learning, day by day, to be less selfish, which is what Christ calls us to do. When you focus on your relationship with God, you learn to die to your flesh, and that is a crucial part of marriage. Marriage is another level of self-denial, and if you aren’t practicing that now in singleness, you will struggle with it in marriage. Without this, your marriage may have a harder time thriving and glorifying God.
Dying to self
One major reason many marriages suffer is that one spouse is willing to die to themselves while the other is not. I once heard a pastor say that the best marriages are built between two servants in love. The best thing you can do for your future spouse right now is to humble yourself before God. This requires effort, growth, and consistently spending time in God’s presence. Focus on the Lord now, so that when you do marry, your spouse won’t have to do the heavy lifting alone. This doesn’t mean your marriage will be perfect, but it will make things much smoother and healthier in the long run.
Choose Wise Relationships with Others
Proverbs 13:20 says, “Walk with the wise and become wise.” Not all Christian singles have the best people in their inner circle. While many understand the importance of surrounding themselves with a Godly community, some find themselves influenced by people who are either not as spiritually mature or lack a deep understanding of God’s word, leading to misguided advice. Choosing wise relationships is crucial, especially when you are single.
I can’t count the number of times I was asked, Why are you still single? Surprisingly, these comments didn’t come from unbelievers but from people within my own church—people who loved God yet didn’t always offer the most helpful words. I had to learn to tune out those who were simply being nosy about my personal life. Instead, I chose to share my dating experiences only with those I trusted—people rooted in God’s word who could provide biblical guidance.
Close circle
When I met my husband in July 2021, I didn’t tell anyone about our conversations until about two months into our growing relationship. My reason? I wanted to avoid unnecessary opinions and focus on gathering insight during the dating phase to determine if he was someone I wanted to continue seeing.
Aside from my immediate family, I confided in a select few. One close friend, who was also on her own unique dating journey with the Lord, became a trusted confidante. As my relationship with my now-husband progressed, she shared a dream she had about us getting married. This was before my husband proposed, and while it caught me off guard, I appreciated that she covered our relationship in prayer. She never pressured me to rush into marriage or made me feel bad for taking my time to truly get to know him.
Having the right voices in your life is essential, especially in singleness. Many Christian singles, both men and women, are emotionally vulnerable and don’t need to hear simplistic advice like just wait on God, have more faith, or be patient. While well-intended, these statements don’t always provide the support and encouragement singles truly need. If you haven’t already, ask God to bring people into your life who will uplift you, hold you accountable, and point you back to His word when you feel discouraged in your singleness.
Discern your Desires
This topic can be taken to two extremes, and it’s important to discuss both when it comes to discerning your desires. Some Christian singles go to one extreme and decide they don’t need God’s input when it comes to dating. They believe God doesn’t care about the little things and that they can handle the nuances of their dating life on their own. After all, they know what they want and need, so they think they can make the right decision when it comes to choosing a spouse. This could not be further from the truth. As believers, we are called to be led by the Spirit, not the flesh.
The other extreme is when Christian singles over-spiritualize their dating lives. They are so afraid of making the wrong decisions that they seek confirmation after confirmation to determine whether this person is their spouse. The problem is, they’re not willing to give the relationship time through dating to see if the person is a good fit. They want all the answers from God before even going on the first date. Or they use the first date to interrogate the other person, hoping to know for sure before they walk out the door whether this person is their spouse.
It’s a balance
We need to find a balance between both approaches. It’s important to consult God in our dating life, but we also need to take practical steps and genuinely get to know people. It’s not about figuring everything out on the first date. While God can confirm a relationship early on, that is the exception, not the rule. We also need to take inventory of our hearts to ensure we’re entering relationships for the right reasons.
Are you dating because you’re impatient and lonely? If so, it’s best to take time to heal and ask God to fill those gaps before bringing someone else into the picture. If not, you risk becoming a leech, expecting the other person to complete you, which is not their job. The purpose of relationships is to glorify God so that others can see Jesus Christ through your marriage. Ask yourself: “Do I want this for the right reasons?”
Commit to Purpose over Pressure
As I mentioned earlier, many Christian singles enter relationships due to family expectations or societal pressures. If you are not married by a certain age, you may feel judged or viewed as a failure, as though something is wrong with you. Because many Christian singles care more about what others think than what God thinks, they often enter relationships prematurely, believing their singleness needs to be “fixed.” Singleness is not a disease, nor is it a punishment.
Whether you are single or married, both are gifts from God. You can honor God in your singleness and discover the purpose He has for your life. When you are committed to your purpose and focused solely on what God wants you to do, everything else will begin to seem less important. This doesn’t mean you won’t occasionally feel lonely or desire a relationship. But your focus on pleasing the Lord will make everything else seem less significant.
Ultimate purpose
God cares more about your purpose than your relationship status. If you need a spouse to fulfill your purpose, God will provide one. There’s no need to rush or force something to happen. We all know that when we force relationships, we often end up hurting ourselves and the other person. Commit to your purpose in Christ, trusting that He will provide everything you need—including a spouse, if that’s part of His plan for your mission on earth. While marriage offers companionship, its primary purpose is for both you and your spouse to work together to fulfill the assignments God has given you.
Wait for God’s Timing
We often hear the advice to wait for God’s timing. Most Christian singles, when they hear this, tend to roll their eyes. They know they should wait on God, but the real question is, “How long am I supposed to wait?”. The truth is, we don’t know when God will transition us from singleness to marriage. For some, singleness lasts only a few years, while for others, it extends into their 40s, 50s, or even 60s.
Instead of focusing on how long it will take, we should be asking ourselves how we are using the time God has given us to live lives that glorify Him. Every day is a gift, and it shouldn’t be wasted. If you’re waiting for your spouse to start living your life, you’re selling yourself short. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your life now and doing everything the Lord is leading you to do. You don’t need to wait for a spouse to begin living. Eternal life began for you the moment you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.
God exists outside of time, and His timing is not the same as ours. We can trust that He has good plans for us. In His time, He will bring everything into fruition, including a spouse. It may not make sense now why you are single, but when you connect with your purpose, you’ll have a deeper understanding of why you had to wait as long as you did. I can personally attest that meeting my husband in 2021 was perfect timing.
Perfect timing
If we had met earlier, three things would have happened: First, I wouldn’t have been ready. Second, we wouldn’t have been in a good place to be together. Third, we probably would have self-sabotaged the relationship, thinking it was too good to be true.
God knows when things are ready, and we must trust that He knows what He’s doing. His plans are far better than ours, and when we allow Him to unfold them in His timing, it will be the most beautiful experience of our lives. So, guard your heart during this season of singleness, knowing that God is taking care of you and has already gone before you to write your incredible future.
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