This blog post is aimed at Christians who foresee marriage in their future and want to have great sex within their marriage.

TL;DR: The Summary

We’re all looking for a great sex life. One that is fulfilling and expresses love the way God designed it to be in marriage. 

So how do you have good sex as a Christian?

Whether marriage is our aim or on the horizon, this is a big question and one that’s not always the easiest to answer.

I assume you’re waiting to hear if there is an answer though. Can I have good sex as a follower of Jesus?

The answer is YES! And even better, here are 5 tips to help you prepare for good sex as a Christian: 

1. Have educated expectations.
2. Get comfortable talking about it.
3. Take it to God. 
4. Think about you and your body.
5. Prepare beyond the physical. 

Christian couples dating or engaged, this blog may be most helpful for you but if you’re a Christian and single, don’t click the back button. There’s great wisdom in here for you too!

My Story

I remember my school Sex Ed. 

My primary school class were sat in front of a chunky tv and my (male) teacher pressed play on a video. 

We proceeded to watch two cartoon characters stand on screen, drawn naked and demonstrating well…how sex happens. 

As our innocence slowly left us, another realisation came. 

Our teacher’s wife was having a baby, we’d known this for a while. But we didn’t understand how that happened until now. We were as you might put it – ‘shook’!

The video then cuts to a real woman giving birth with much less editing than an episode of One Born Every Minute, striking fear into most of the young souls in that room.  

To give the video it’s due there were love hearts around the couple as they had sex. But that was it.

Fast forward a few years and it didn’t get much better. No mention of love or commitment or marriage. No discussion around pleasure or orgasms. Yes, there were some contraception warnings in our mid-teens, but it was all laughed off as you’d expect when you bring a bunch of condoms into a room of 14-year-olds.

Then as a Christian, not only did the information fail to get any more informative – it was now about waiting until marriage. 

So when the right time comes, with all this lack, how are Christians meant to have good sex?

What sex is for

Since most of the information from my younger years failed to address this, I thought it would be good to expand on what sex is for, finally! 

Firstly, if you look no further than chapter 2 of the book of Genesis, you’ll know that sex is for complete unity. 

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Gen 2:24)

Sex is the thing that unites a couple in their marriage in a total expression of love. It re-enforces ‘togetherness’. This is at the core of how sex has been made by God, to be a place of giving, bonding, connection, and wholeness with your spouse so that you are united as one.

Of course, there’s also pleasure. God who made all things good, also made sex and wants us to experience its goodness. The God who made the ultimate existence of happiness, pleasure and joy for His people in Eden, included sex there. It existed before the fall, before Adam and Eve knew they were naked and before sin and shame entered the story.

Sex is good

Sex is good and enjoyable and meant to be experienced as such. Praise God!

And sex is for making babies, or ‘fruitfulness’ if you want to keep the Genesis theme going. This was a deliberate design by God as He knew the optimum environment to bring a child into the world and raise them was in a secure, committed relationship. That’s why sex, with its union and pleasure, is completely linked with the ability to create life. 

 Sex is therefore not for the following:

• Gain or relief – it’s to serve the relationship not the individual. 
• Unmarried people – God created sex for life-long commitment, not casual or dating relationships. 

There are other things that distort God’s vision for sex such as pornography, abuse and masturbation. You can read up on those more here as Leela Zander excellently covers these details.

Good Sex Life Tip 1: Take it to God

Surprise. I was going to put this point in the middle of the blog, but actually I’ve put it first. 

Mainly because it’s the answer we all expect but so many of us forget to take seriously.  

God ‘is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.’ (Ephesians 3:20)

It might seem strange or selfish to ask Him to prepare you and bless you in your sex life, but I guarantee you it’s worth doing.

“He intended marriage to represent His love: faithful, committed, unconditional and permanent.” (Leela Zander)

Marriage is the place for sex because it reflects God’s love. And why wouldn’t we pray for the thing that God made to reflect His love for us? 

In my opinion we should be praying about sex more, about marriage or who we’ll marry more and that future more because it is such a massive part of life. The enemy has tried and achieved in lots of ways to mess up sex, and as Christians we should want to take a Kingdom hold of it back, not only for ourselves and our (future) marriage, but to show the world God’s love the way it’s meant to be – faithful, committed, unconditional and permanent. 

Those are four great words to start your prayers! 

“God would my marriage and the sex life I share with my spouse be faithful, committed, unconditional and permanent.”

Amen!

Nothing is hidden from God and the one who knows what the truest pleasures, joys and loving contentment in the universe are, wants to speak over your sex life too.

Get to know God (through prayer and Bible reading) and how much good He wants for you and bring Him in on every aspect of your life – including the bit that involves sex even before you’re having it. May you receive His rich blessings as you look to His love in faith.

Good Sex Life Tip 1: Have Educated Expectations

You may think that your sex education days are long gone. But we all know that the awkward lessons from school or parents won’t quite cut it. 

Although many of us will be aware of how sex works biologically, taking further steps to educate yourself as a couple about the, for lack of better word, logistics and reality of sex in practice will help you approach your intimacy in marriage well informed and hopefully reduce some of the natural anxiety too. 

It’s good and useful to read up on the practicalities of sex, sex positions, your choices around contraception and how to maintain good sexual hygiene.

Where to research

There are limits to what the internet can give you in regards to this information, especially from a Christian perspective. Be cautious about liberal googling! 

Ideally a pre-marriage course would give you the right information and support to help you open those conversations and ask questions. 

A helpful online resource might also be the Christian Sex Educator. Her ‘honeymoon package’ for engaged couples (including practical tips, diagrams, and other prep) is available to purchase, plus there’s a free webinar if you sign up on what you need to know before the honeymoon. 

Singles, there’s education on this site for you too. Be sensible in yourself in what information is useful now and what could perhaps trigger you in your wait for marriage though. 

It’s important to remember what good sex education is and what it isn’t too. Films and pornography, for example, are not good sex education. They are fantasy, performance and lies that, if taken into the marital bedroom, will create disappointment and damage in your relationship. 

Establishing healthy and realistic expectations of yourself and your partner through the right educational information will spark success and set you up for good sex. 

Happy reading!

Good Sex Life Tip 3: Get Comfortable Talking About It

Sex is awkward and vulnerable – but such is the cost of intimacy. It means opening ourselves up to someone allowing them to love and accept us in that place, not just when we feel perfect.

Learning to talk about sex (even using the right language around it, anatomical names for body parts and so on) will increase the trust and bond between you before you start.

Fears

Worrying is normal and expected, especially when waiting until marriage to have sex. As single Christians we spend so much of our (prayer) life ignoring these things or building up ‘what if’ fears and then it might come to your marriage, and all these come spilling out. 

Fears around sensation, ability, performance, enjoyment, and regularity can and should all be discussed with your partner. Equally as important, is processing the potential of parenthood. No matter your contraception (artificial or non) or family planning timeline, the reality is sex always opens up the potential to have children. Depending on where you are at in life, as a couple, in yourself, and your current family status – this and any surrounding hopes/concerns are worth talking about.

Expectations

Pair this with your sex education, discussing what you expect or want from your sex life (and of yourself in it). As you discuss your expectation, ensure you put this through the lens of ‘what sex is for’ as pointed to earlier.

Desires

It can be bonding to talk about your desires for your sex life in marriage, but equally as you prepare it’s important to keep this information somewhat guarded. Be careful, if you aren’t married yet, for this not to open up temptation unnecessarily. 

Awareness of where your sexual fantasy or want comes from is also key. In God’s design for sex, intimacy always respects the other person as someone worthy of love. Our fantasies should reflect this. Equally, it might help you become more comfortable with this intimate side of your relationship to bring up the discussion of desires.

Ongoing Conversation

The discussions around sex between you and your partner don’t stop after marriage prep or a few chats. Learning to have these honest conversations will set your marriage up for success so you can express what’s working and what isn’t to ensure you have a good sex life together. 

This blog from the Alpha marriage course reminds us of the importance of nurturing good sexual intimacy in marriage – so any married couples, this could be helpful for you. Single Christians don’t feel left out, finding someone to talk about sex and your feelings about it with is wise too. Check out this blog on how to manage your sex drive.

Good Sex Life Tip 4: Think About You and Your Body

Many of us have body hang ups or a mixed relationship with physical touch. This applies to Christian men as much as it does women. 

As a single Christian, someone who is dating or further along in a relationship – it’s never too late to address these to bring goodness to your future sexual experience. 

As a Christian dating for marriage, hopefully these things will have already come up but it’s worth having further discussion about touch. Agreeing on what physical touch does belong in your relationship pre-marriage, what you’re saving for marriage, what is appropriate in marriage and setting those boundaries for both in and out with the bedroom. 

Again, this should open up discussion with your partner. Create space and time for prayer (especially for healing of emotional hurts or past trauma) together around this too. 

Equally our body hang ups aren’t going to go away the minute we get married, so talk about them. Unpack the lies that you are holding onto and bring the truth into your relationship (and sex life) instead of allowing the doubts to bring insecurity along to the marital bed.

Good sex is built on trust, not just with your partner but with yourself. Know your body, just as it is, as a gift to be celebrated. This will lead to good sex in your marriage, guaranteed.

Good Sex Life Tip 5: Prepare Beyond The Physical

Sex is the union of the physical but includes the emotional and the spiritual too. 

As you prepare for good sex that unites all three it’s important not to neglect those other two parts of your relationship.

Emotional

This means investing in your partner. Do they feel loved by you? How do you know how to show them this out with the realm of sex? Do you know their love language(s)? 

Don’t neglect the importance of continuing to pursue romance in your relationship. Make time in your diaries for dates, chats, surprise, love letters, and more.

Spiritual

This means investing in your relationship with God, as an individual as well as together. 

How is your walk with God? Do you pray for each other, spend time with other believers, study the Word? These back-to-basics rhythms will ensure a good foundation not just for your sex life, but your life as a whole. It goes back to the ‘Take it to God’ tip we chatted about before. 

God is our source for all things. If we know God more, we will know ourselves and our partner more, which will, hopefully, equal good sex in marriage too.

Let’s Conclude

There you have it, perhaps not a “Wiki-how” success guide but some godly relationship advice that truly will lead to good sex as a Christian.

Above all else pray-paring (I know, I’m cringing too) will bring peace to your mind and heart as you approach the topic of sex in marriage. 

Lots of talking and learning from good resources will also set you up for success. 

And remember that sex isn’t just physical, but designed to be enjoyed as so much more. This helps us see to sex in the way God designed it to be – very good!

P.S. Lol –  lots of lube