This blog post differentiates gender roles in Christian dating that have come from the Bible versus those that have come from culture that only add to the pressure of Christian dating.

TL;DR: The Summary

How can Christian singles date in today’s world without the pressure of rigid gender roles? How can we honor God in our relationships while also being true to who we are? Let’s take a moment to break down a few of the most common misconceptions in Christian dating that can lead to unnecessary pressure.

1. He should always pursue
2. She must submit early
3. She can’t show interest
4. He has to provide everything
5. One way to be Godly

It’s unfortunate that culture and tradition have crept into the church and are now being mistaken for biblical truth. What we truly need is to know God’s Word for ourselves so we’re not deceived into believing that cultural or traditional expectations are the same as God’s will for our lives. As you read through these points, take them to your own prayer time, so you can discern where God is leading you in your dating life.

Intro

You want to date God’s way, but you feel boxed in by rules He never gave. There’s a lot of confusion surrounding Christian dating today—mainly because many Christian singles feel pressured to fit into roles defined by either culture or the church. With all this confusion, most singles don’t know what to do. And because they don’t know what to do, many end up doing nothing at all—then wonder why they’re still single.

My husband and I recently saw a social media post claiming it’s unbiblical for a woman to work if she wants to be a wife. Some believe that being a “traditional wife” means staying home, keeping the house, and raising the children. But where in the Bible does it say a woman can’t work? We often talk about the Proverbs 31 woman in Christian circles, but we overlook the fact that she was a savvy businesswoman.

Men also feel the pressure to be “providers,” often working themselves into the ground to make more money in hopes that a woman will see them as valuable. In recent years, I’ve heard more talk about women wanting a “high value man”—usually defined as someone earning at least six figures. By that logic, a man making $50,000 a year isn’t considered “high value.” Again, where does this idea come from? Because it’s certainly not from the Bible.

He should always pursue 

You often hear the phrase, “He should always pursue,” when it comes to dating. The man is seen as the “hunter,” while the woman is expected to wait passively for him to chase her. This is an extreme approach to dating because it puts all the pressure on the man to make things happen, while the woman is expected to “play hard to get.” If she shows any interest, she’s often seen as being too forward or even aggressive.

But there’s nothing wrong with a woman showing interest in a man she’s attracted to. That doesn’t mean she’s chasing him or trying to force a relationship. She’s simply giving him a green light, letting him know it’s okay to pursue her.

Biblical example

We often reference Ruth and Boaz, but we should take a closer look at what Scripture actually says. In the book of Ruth, Naomi told Ruth to prepare herself and let Boaz know she wanted him to be her kinsman-redeemer. When Boaz found Ruth lying at his feet and heard her request, he took the lead from there and arranged for them to be married. Did Ruth force him? No. She followed Naomi’s guidance and clearly communicated her interest. Boaz responded.

One major reason many Christian men aren’t pursuing women in the church is because the signals aren’t clear. Many women have been told to “play hard to get” or to avoid being too obvious, for fear of seeming desperate. Again, this doesn’t mean a woman has to force anything—but there’s nothing wrong with starting a conversation to get a sense of where things stand.

My story

When I met my husband, I didn’t chase him, but I did take the initiative to start a conversation. He had posted something in a Christian singles group that really encouraged me, so I sent him a private message to say, “Thanks so much—what you shared really blessed me.” He replied the next day, and we started chatting back and forth on social media. Later, he invited me to a Zoom call. I agreed because I felt comfortable with our conversations. Eventually, he asked for my phone number, and things progressed from there. A year and four months later, we were married.

As you can see, a woman can give a man the green light. I once heard a quote that said, “There’s nothing wrong with a man being the hunter, but it’s okay for a woman to snap a few twigs so he can actually find her.” There’s no harm in being friendly and showing that you might be open to getting to know someone. Use discernment as you gather information about him, but don’t be afraid to say something like, “I wouldn’t mind going out with you.”

She must submit early

“Submission” is a biblical term the Christian world often highlights—especially when it comes to women. But what’s often left out is that Scripture calls both the husband and the wife to submit to one another. The husband is not greater than his wife, and the wife is not greater than her husband. They are equal in the eyes of God. However, when it comes to roles, God holds the man responsible for leading his household.

Does this mean the woman’s role is less important? Not at all. Her role is simply different—but just as vital.

Marriage vs. dating

Submission is meant for marriage, not dating. The idea that a woman should submit to her boyfriend is not biblical. This doesn’t mean she shouldn’t show honor or respect to the man she’s dating, but she is under no obligation to submit to him—because he is not her husband. Once again, we see a widespread misunderstanding of Scripture when it comes to submission. The only voice a single woman should be submitted to is the Holy Spirit. He is the one who guides, corrects, and leads her.

In dating, a woman is simply gathering information about her potential partner to determine whether he could be a good husband. This doesn’t guarantee he will become her husband—it just means she is dating with intentionality, asking herself, “Do I see myself with this man long-term?” Christian single women should never feel pressured to submit to a man who has not committed to them in marriage.

Understanding submission

This doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be respectful to authority figures like a pastor or boss. That’s a separate matter that still requires honor—but it’s not the same as marital submission.

In marriage, a husband is responsible for his wife and family. So if a man has not taken responsibility for you as your husband, you are not obligated to submit to him.

Sadly, we live in a world where dating couples often behave like married couples. They engage in all the benefits of marriage without making the covenant before God. But if you are not willing to make the covenant, you should not be engaging in covenant behaviors. God does not honor it, and He is not pleased.

She can’t show interest

I hinted at this earlier, but in some parts of the world, if a woman shows interest in a man, she’s seen as being “too forward.” I grew up in the South in the United States, where the term used was, “She’s being fast.” That phrase implied a woman was promiscuous or inappropriate around men.

It’s an extreme and limiting concept, and unfortunately, many women have held back from expressing interest in someone they genuinely care about because they don’t want to be misunderstood. I see it all the time in Christian singles groups—women asking, “How can I show him I like him without being too obvious?”

Fear of rejection

They’re not just worried about being seen as forward—they’re afraid of rejection. What if he doesn’t like them back? It’s a fear many women carry, but the truth is: in life, there will always be risk—including in dating.

Before I met my husband, I was interested in a man who I believed was godly and full of integrity. I decided to show my interest. He was polite and honest and told me he was already seeing someone else. Was I disappointed? Of course. I truly liked him and thought we could’ve had something special. But I thanked him for his honesty and congratulated him on his relationship.

A few months later, I met my husband—and now, I can’t imagine my life without the man I believe God custom-designed just for me. Ladies, if you’re interested in someone, let him know. That doesn’t make you desperate, and it’s not aggressive—despite what Christian culture may suggest. A husband isn’t going to fall into your lap. You have to be proactive.

You can still be feminine without being the aggressor. But you can give a man a clear green light—something as simple as letting him know you’d say yes if he asked you out. Give him the signal. See what happens. Trust God with the results—and focus only on doing your part.

He has to provide everything

Another common misconception in Christian dating is that the man must always pay for everything. While some women do prefer that, there’s nothing wrong with a woman covering her own bill on a date. As the relationship progresses into something more serious, there’s also nothing wrong with offering to pay or splitting the bill.

Some women worry that if a man pays for everything, he may subconsciously expect something in return—especially sex. Others choose to pay for themselves because they want to be seen as independent and self-sufficient. But where do these beliefs really come from?

There’s no black-and-white Bible verse that says, “A man must pay for every date.” It ultimately comes down to personal preference and mutual understanding. If you’re on a date and he offers to pay—and it feels genuine—let him. Perhaps you prefer to pay for your share, do that. If you’d rather ask ahead of time to clarify expectations, go for it. You’ll get a good sense of his character based on how he responds.

Chivalry is not dead

Many men don’t mind paying because they see it as a gesture of chivalry. It’s their way of showing they can provide and care for you as the relationship develops. But if you’d rather handle your portion, that’s perfectly okay too.

There are also Christian single men who may not mind you paying for yourself—especially if they’re experiencing a financial slump. Sadly, some women take this as a sign of irresponsibility, but that’s not always the case. He might only have enough to cover himself, yet still ask you out to express his interest. Again, honest communication can clear up a lot of confusion. A lack of money doesn’t make him a bad man, nor does it mean his financial situation won’t improve. We have to stop condemning others simply because their financial status differs from our own. We are more than our paychecks.

Only one way to be Godly

Unfortunately, there are still Christian circles that believe there’s only one way to be godly. The problem with that mindset is we are all individuals with different personalities and traits—so how we express our faith won’t look the same. One woman may deeply love Jesus and also enjoy wearing makeup, hair extensions, nails, and stylish clothes. Another sincere Christian woman may prefer a simpler style with little to no makeup. Does that mean the simpler woman is more godly? Absolutely not. If both women are displaying the fruits of the Spirit, they are both pleasing to the Lord.

Some assume that if a man has tattoos, he must be rough around the edges—or even a “bad boy.” But I’ve seen men with face tattoos who love Jesus with all their hearts, and others without tattoos who live ungodly lives and have poor character. Godliness isn’t determined by outward appearance; God looks at the heart.

Don’t miss out

Is it possible you’re missing out on your future spouse because you’re overly focused on how they look? Just because someone doesn’t dress like you doesn’t mean they don’t love Jesus. That kind of assumption could cause you to overlook the best person God has for you. We live in a materialistic world that constantly emphasizes physical appearance. Yes, attraction matters—and you should be drawn to your spouse—but it shouldn’t be the foundation of your relationship. Look at the heart. Look for fruit.

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