This blog post has lots of tips for anyone who has met someone and are in the early stages of dating before you’re exclusive.
TL;DR: The Summary
Some people view dating as a waste of time unless it leads directly to marriage. While dating with the intention of marriage is a good thing, it’s also important to hold the process with open hands. That way, if things don’t work out, you’re less likely to feel disappointed. Here are five ways to navigate early dating before becoming exclusive.
- Keep Your Identity Anchored
- Don’t Assume Commitment Early
- Ask Questions Without Apology
- Invite God Early On
- Trust What God Reveals
A lot of Christian singles fear that if they’re not specifically dating their future spouse, they’re “wasting their time.” However, this mindset can carry a selfish undertone. It can come across as, “If they’re not what I’m looking for, I’m moving on.” While it’s wise not to entertain unfruitful relationships, it’s equally important not to disregard someone simply because they don’t fit your ideal. That person is still a human being—worthy of love, honor, and respect. This isn’t about tolerating toxic or non-conducive relationships. Rather, it’s about not dismissing someone based solely on preconceived ideas.
Intro
Dating can be fun and exciting, but it can also be confusing. Many Christian singles wonder what’s appropriate—especially in the early stages. For instance, a woman might ask herself if she should be the one to initiate a date. This can be particularly challenging for Christian women who’ve been taught that the man should be the “pursuer.” Because of that mindset, many women hesitate to express interest for fear of appearing like they’re “chasing” a man. At the same time, she still wants him to know she likes him, so she may ask, “How can I let him know without being too forward?”
When did dating become so complicated that men and women struggle to have simple, honest conversations? On top of that, some Christian singles are unsure about what’s appropriate before having the “define the relationship” talk. If they’re not exclusive, is it okay to keep their options open? How do they describe the person they’re dating? Since they’re not officially boyfriend and girlfriend, is the label simply “someone I’m talking to”?
While dating will look different for everyone, since we’re all unique individuals, it’s important to keep things as simple as possible. Overanalyzing every detail can make dating stressful instead of enjoyable. The goal of dating is to get to know people and evaluate whether they might be someone you could build a future with. Not every person you date will become your spouse—and that’s okay.
Keep Your Identity Anchored
Before you start interpreting every text or overanalyzing every date, check your foundation. You are already loved, chosen, and complete in Christ—dating doesn’t add to or take away from that. When your identity is secure, you won’t cling to someone just because they show interest. You’ll notice red flags instead of excusing them. You’ll listen to the Holy Spirit, not just your feelings. Insecurity rushes; confidence waits. Let God’s truth quiet your inner panic. If they walk away, your worth stays intact.
Many Christian singles lose themselves early in a new relationship because they’re so excited. Some have never dated before, while others have been single for so long that they cling to the first person they “click” with. If you’re not first secure in Christ, you’ll naturally look for validation in another person. But no one—and nothing—can complete you outside of Jesus. Yes, relationships are beautiful, and God designed them to be a blessing, but they were never meant to replace Him.
Firm foundation
So if you’re in the early stages of dating and it doesn’t work out, your world shouldn’t fall apart. It’s not the end of the road just because they walked away. As Christians, we need to stop putting so much pressure on another person to fulfill us. God created relationships so we could co-labor with one another—not become so dependent that we lose sight of who He created us to be.
If you’re in the middle of an identity crisis, or you know you tend to become overly dependent in relationships, take time to heal. Spend time with the Lord and let Him restore you first—so your next relationship isn’t built on brokenness, but wholeness.
Don’t Assume Commitment Early
Just because you’ve gone out a few times doesn’t mean you’re exclusive—and that’s okay. Early dating is for observation, not obsession. It’s not un-Christian to take your time. Don’t create a fantasy relationship based on potential. Let time and consistency reveal who they really are. Watch their fruit, not just their words. You’re allowed to date without prematurely attaching your heart.
While it may be tempting to give them a personal nickname early on, resist the urge. If you’ve only known them for a few weeks, it’s too soon to assume exclusivity. Yes, there are rare cases where God reveals early on that someone is your future spouse—but those are the exception, not the rule. Too many Christian singles want to know after the first date, “Is this the one?” God can reveal it quickly, but that doesn’t mean He always will.
Seek clarity
I didn’t know right away that my husband and I would get married. God revealed it to me over time. If I had rushed the process, I might have wrongly assumed, “Maybe this isn’t it—I’m not feeling anything.” While feelings matter, they are not meant to lead us.
You may have heard of the 90-day rule, but don’t turn it into a rigid standard either. Again, God may reveal things early, but the point is to take your time. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, so don’t make a lifelong decision without enough data. The problem is, impatience makes us fearful—especially if we feel like we’re running out of time. But this is a flawed mindset.
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I took too long getting to know them.” More often, it’s the opposite: “We rushed into it. We should’ve taken more time.” That doesn’t mean you need to date for 10 years—and unless there are special circumstances, it probably shouldn’t take that long either. So, take your time dating, but also be clear on what you want so you’re not aimless.
Ask Questions Without Apology
You’re not “too much” for wanting clarity. Ask about values, lifestyle, faith, and long-term vision. It’s not interrogation—it’s wisdom. A man or woman with serious intentions won’t be put off by your intentionality. Shallow flirters, on the other hand, will fall off quickly (and that’s a blessing). You’re not auditioning to be chosen—you’re evaluating, too. Don’t quiet your discernment just to seem agreeable. You have every right to know what you’re walking into.
That said, you don’t need to ask everything on the first date. I once saw a video about a woman who pulled out a two-page list of questions during her first date. The man was so overwhelmed that he ended the date early. While it’s perfectly okay to ask questions, let them come up naturally as you get to know each other. You don’t have to hear someone’s full testimony on day one. Maybe ask that a few weeks in, or when a deeper connection has been established. It’s not about following a rigid timeline—it’s about letting things unfold organically.
No rigid timeline
Too many Christian singles cling to a timeline out of fear. But every relationship is different because every person is different. The way the couple next door met and married won’t mirror your story. The journey of your youth pastor and his wife isn’t meant to be yours. So can we allow the Lord to unfold our story the way He already wrote it—and trust His plan?
I know it’s not easy. I remember wondering if the man I was talking to was “the one.” But I can tell you: it’s worth it to take your time and follow the Lord’s lead. Be yourself, knowing the right person will see your worth. So yes—ask questions for clarity, but not from a place of fear. Ask from a place of confidence and trust.
Involve God Early On
Ask God to reveal what you might be missing. Bring your doubts to Him, even if they feel small. The Holy Spirit is your best relationship counselor. Dating becomes less stressful when you know God is leading you. You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Make seeking Him a habit now, not just when things get serious—you’ll avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache.
This doesn’t mean praying, “God, let them say XYZ so I know they’re my spouse.” Don’t rely solely on signs or specific confirmations. Instead, ask the Lord to open your eyes so you can see the person clearly over time. Will you always get it right? No. But God responds to faith. When you choose to date in faith, He will guide you—either by confirming that someone is right for you, or by showing you they’re not. Don’t be discouraged if it’s the latter. God’s protection is just as loving as His provision.
Many Christian singles either deny what God has already revealed or try to change the person they’re dating. Others follow their emotions and ignore the nudges of the Holy Spirit. But God knows you better than you know yourself, and He always has your best interest at heart. For some, the deeper struggle is trust. After waiting so long, it’s easy to believe the lie that God has forgotten you. It can feel like everyone else is getting what they want, while you’ve been overlooked. But that’s not the truth. God hasn’t forgotten you—and He never will.
Trust What God Reveals
If it doesn’t feel right, don’t force it. If someone says one thing but lives another, believe the pattern. God isn’t trying to tease you—He’s trying to protect you. Sometimes clarity comes through closed doors, not green lights. Your peace is often a stronger guide than your excitement. Let go when God shows you it’s time. Trusting Him now prepares you for the kind of love that’s truly worth keeping. His “no” is always wrapped in mercy.
I’ve shared this quote before, but I’ll say it again: “People lie, but patterns don’t.” You’re not just marrying a spouse—you’re also accepting their habits and behaviors, both good and bad. If their pattern is not putting God first, that’s what you’ll inherit. If they struggle with anger, that pattern comes with them too. The truth may be difficult to face, especially when emotions are involved, but it all comes back to trusting God. Do you believe He has good things for you? Will you trust Him with your heart?
My story
I remember the last man I talked to before meeting my husband. My feelings were strong, but the Lord was clear: stop talking to him. Within a year, I met my husband and we were married a year and four months later. Could it have worked with the previous man? Maybe—but it wasn’t God’s best for me. I’ll never regret obeying God’s voice, especially now that I see His hand on our marriage. I’ve witnessed Him provide for my husband and me in miraculous ways, simply because we strive to keep Him first.
Let’s Conclude
There’s a difference between getting married and building a Kingdom marriage. Anyone can get married—you could meet a stranger on Craigslist and be legally bound by the weekend. But you’re not looking for just anyone. You want God’s best. That’s why you’re here. You’ve chosen not to settle, and God will honor that. He sees your obedience. And while we don’t obey just to be blessed, blessings often follow obedience.
So take a deep breath on your next first date and just have fun. Enjoy getting to know the other person. God will make things clear in time. The destiny He has for you is yours—and no matter the missteps along the way, His will prevails.
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