In this post we discuss whether a Christian should consider dating outside of their denomination. Although some theological differences can be a deal-breaker, should you rule it out all together?

TL;DR: The Summary

If we all believe in the same God as Christians, does a different denomination make much difference in dating? 

Are we discounting meeting the person God may be leading us to because they don’t go to the same church as us? 

Can two people of different denominations agree enough to get married and raise a family in harmony, or are they “unequally yoked?” (2 Corinthians 6:14)

There’s much to consider here and, in all honesty, it’s difficult to provide a black and white answer to share with you all. 

So, we’re going to look through some of the areas that are worth thinking about when it comes to dating and church denominations: 

• The purpose of a relationship.
• Theology vs fundamental beliefs.
• Church life.
• Family and future plans. 
• The conversations you need to have…
• Potential deal breakers. 

Hopefully, these will help you decide for yourself whether dating outside of your denomination is the right thing for you.

Intro

Denomination may end up being a dealbreaker in Christian dating. Theological differences could be the make or break of any relationship. So how do you navigate whether theological differences are just too different?

Surprisingly to everyone who knows me, I spent most of the end of 2022 watching the World Cup. 

As unavoidable as it was, I actually chose to engage with the tournament last year, mainly in an effort to spend time with my boyfriend doing something he loves. 

I enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. It gave us so much to talk about – not just the football but the media coverage of the event too.  

Unsurprisingly my enjoyment grew more when I actually learned the rules of the game after many frustrating weeks not understanding why sometimes it’s a foul and sometimes it’s a penalty (*facepalm*). I also had the greatest time repeating Kylian Mbappe’s name – it’s so satisfying! 

Before I lose all of you with my terrible football knowledge or the fact that I’m talking about it at all, I’ll get to my point.

Watching the World Cup brought up a lot of questions:

How do the players feel being on their country’s team for this tournament, competing against their usual club teammates? Is it all football at the end of the day?

Is all the controversy around Qatar hosting about making the views we think are right heard or is our lack of tolerance of how others practise their faith seeping through?

And if I had never met my boyfriend, would I have watched the World Cup? Or if I hadn’t been willing, how much would I have missed out on considering the bonding and fun we shared through watching it? 

These are perhaps tenuous links, but they got me thinking about how we sometimes have a similar approach to Christian dating, especially who we date and how they ‘define’ and live out their Christian faith.

Denomination and Dating: The Purpose of a Relationship

For many of us, dating points to marriage. We’re seeking the one our soul will love for the rest of our days.

I love love and am 100% behind this. As Christians we have a great chance to witness to the world and demonstrate true love through our relationships that point back to the unending love of God! 

However for a committed relationship or marriage to be successful, there’s got to be a bit more to it. A life of purely gazing into each other’s eyes like star crossed lovers (a nod to all the Shakespeare fans out there) will likely lead to disappointment (but hopefully not as tragic as R&J).

Your relationship, or partnership, needs a purpose. What will you spend your lives working on together? Bringing up a family? Helping the community you’re in? Loving others well? Tackling injustice? On mission? 

When considering who we should date, this is the key to success. 

Is denomination even important?

Now hopefully we’re all going to be dating by looking at the person/ality and purpose before the denomination. But for some this ‘purpose’ question will be heavily linked to their church experience.

Overall, dating someone outside of your denomination will be up to you to discern and I’m about to unpack all the areas you’ll want to think through in the lead up to or during your time dating to figure out what’s best for you.

But just over ten years ago, Christian speaker Jefferson Bethke shot to internet fame with his spoken word ‘Why I hate religion, but love Jesus’.  

He speaks on how ‘religion’ (particularly in America from his perspective) is like a list of rules or chores to live right by God, but knowing Jesus truly is knowing that His grace and obedience has already set us free.

I hope we can all hold the essence of what Jefferson said as we read on. That really, it’s all about Jesus. This is what we need to fight for in our dating relationships. Before it becomes about when someone should be baptised and what you wear to church on a Sunday, I pray we can all agree that knowing the love of Jesus and loving him back – and choosing to be with someone who wants that same thing, is the most important thing!

Denomination and Dating: Theology vs. Fundamental Beliefs

Ideally we all want to go to a church that we agree on the theology of and can learn from. But perhaps for you, if you feel comfortable and called to, when dating someone from a different denomination, you might be willing to attend a church but not always 100% agree, given you are still made to feel welcome. 

But the basics are worth agreeing on, with the church and the person you choose to date. 

Fundamental beliefs about God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Baptism, Bible reading, worship, and prayer are all to be considered. Match on them and life will be easier, disagree and this could cause conflict or unacceptance. 

Now I’m sure we’ve all heard of ‘flirt to convert’, a term coined for Christians dating non-Christians hoping they’ll come to believe in God while they’re dating. This is obviously (well I hope it’s obvious) not a great strategy in dating. 

Similarly ‘convince and convert’ shouldn’t be our approach. If you have your heart set on dating someone who goes to the same church/style of church/ denomination as you but you’re not having much luck – forcing your perspective on theology and church onto someone else who comes from a very different angle, when you have no desire to bend your views yourself is not loving or respectful of others. 

Convince to convert feels like a very aggressive evangelistic tool that rarely works in the everyday world, let alone in the dating one. We need to enter into dating with openness, acceptance, and in commitment – sacrifice – not pressuring another to make things work. 

If you’d be just as willing to take on another denomination’s view, then go ahead, date any Christian single you like!  Find single Christians from every denomination on SALT

But if you are certain that dating another Catholic/Baptist/Pentecostal etc. is what you want, stick to it and save yourself the unnecessary struggle otherwise.

Overall, when considering if you should date outside your denomination, agreeing on the basics of the Christian faith is a great place to begin no matter who your date is with.

Denomination and Dating: Church Life

It’s good to be practical at times. 

If your relationship is going to last, you need to be able to spend your lives side by side. There’s loads in dating and marriage that couples can do separately (hobbies, exercise, some trips etc) that won’t detract from the relationship but bring independence that supports your togetherness.  

But as a Christian who is dating, ultimately the church you attend with your other half is going to be a big consideration. You need to think if church and the daily/weekly/yearly rhythms that it has on you and your partner suit both of you well. 

Questions to think through:

• What is your personal attendance of church like? (Be that weekly, occasionally and so on). 
• How important is attending church in person to you, how do you feel about missing a Sunday?
• Would splitting your time between two churches be beneficial or difficult for you and why?
• What about mid-week events – Bible study, services, prayer gatherings?
• How do you like to celebrate Easter, Christmas and other church calendar events? 

Even if you are from the same or similar church denomination, your answers to these are worth discussing!

In the same breath though, being a Christian is more than going to church. Yes, having a regular church going rhythm will help to grow your faith but if it is the only element, we’re missing something. 

How else do you invest in your relationship with God personally? How do you spend time with Him? Does your partner do this also? Can you find natural space for each other to prioritise this or are you in conflict? 

Equally church is not simply about showing up! We all engage in worship (sung or spoken) in different ways. There’s merit to all but you both have to feel like you’re able to worship freely together in church. Likewise if serving or being involved in your church in some way is a big part of your life, being with someone who at the least understands and supports that or more ideally wants the same can be crucial.  

The beauty of different

It’s good to keep in mind though, the benefit of learning from how others express their Chrisitian faith, to widen our experience of how to connect with and grow our relationship with God. 

For example, some friends of mine have introduced me to a Bible reading / prayer style called Lectio Divinia and I’ve found it so useful for my own time with God. 

Being open to a broader perspective is good, but knowing and being content with what church works for you is good too. Bring this all to the table as you consider dating outside of your denomination.

Denomination and Dating: Family and Future Plans

We can all hold our ideals on how we’d like to raise our kids but until we decide on a spouse it’s hard to fully know how this will be, it’s a team effort after all. 

However, if your denomination has expectations on how to raise children, both in the home, in education and at church. It’s worth discussing these when dating to see if your expectations match. 

Do you believe in infant baptism? Would you want your kids coming to church each week? How about prayer in the home? What kind of boundaries and traditions will you set for the family and why? 

For some of us these questions might feel like a bit too much too soon. But keep it simple. Do you want to raise your kids in the knowledge of your faith in God, how would you like to approach this and what feels too much to you? This is a good place to start! 

Your church denomination may also have strong views on contraception and raising a family. Learn the extent of these and be ready to chat about it.

Denomination and Dating: Conversations You Need to Have

With Yourself

It’s helpful to know for ourselves where we stand on what we’ve chatted about above before bringing someone else into the mix. 

These considerations are maybe worth having on your own before you start dating, or think about separately from the person you are dating first to then bring to conversation.

How to know if God wants you to date someone always begins with prayer. How is he leading you?

Our peace and confidence will grow when we rely on Him

 Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

(Proverbs 3:6)

With Your Date/Partner

Of course these topics are worth asking or clarifying with the person you want to or are dating. 

Figure out where their boundaries lie, what compromises and sacrifices they are and aren’t willing to make. If you want to talk about something really tricky, try talking about Giving!

It’s important also to bring an open learning and listening mindest to these conversations rather than pushing our own agenda.

Regardless of how long you’ve know them, we want to treat all believers with love and respect and these conversations should be no different 

Respect everyone, and love the family of believers. (…)

(1 Peter 2:17)

With a Mentor Couple

We all need wisdom for our dating lives. Speaking to a mentor couple about their views and experiences will help you find your own answers. Listening to their advice, especially as people who know you, will bring balance to the opposing ends of this question’s spectrum. 

Ask them to hold you up in prayer too. God’s guidance can come to us through other believers and learning from a real life lived out example will undoubtedly be useful for you.

Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life.

(Proverbs 19:20)

Denomination and Dating: Potential Deal-Breakers

Here are some quick thoughts on the reality of dating someone outside your denomination that could be potential deal breakers:

Women

The role of women, particularly in church leadership, is different in every church. If you don’t agree as a couple or you don’t agree with the church the other goes to,  this could cause tension. It may help to be with someone that you agree with on this.

The Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit and how we include the Spirit’s work in our lives is approached differently by churches too. Know what you want from a church in regards to teaching and inclusion of the Holy Spirit.

Communion

Communion is a precious part of a church service but not all churches do this the same. Finding the right one with the reverence and regularity that you desire and making sure you can participate if you want to, is key.

Parents / Relatives

Our family’s faith often comes into play when we begin to join our life with someone new. A few times now I’ve had friends who were dating someone from a different denomination. It all goes fine until the relationship seems more serious and then parents start to get involved. Their opinion on the matter makes things much more tricky. Worth thinking about!

Let’s Conclude

As I hope to have made somewhat clear, deciding to date outside of your denomination is going to be a personal choice as single Christians.  

Seriously thinking through your fundamental beliefs, church expectations, family plans, healthy conversation and seeking advice from others plus factoring in some deal breakers are all good Christian dating principles. 

The discussion should be one filled with love, grace and respect – much like the one Lauren and Delphine had on SALT’s YouTube channel.

I hope, as you journey in this we can all choose to at least look past the denomination name and to the person and personal faith expressed more and more. 

Happy discerning!

Find single Christians from every denomination on SALT