This blog post is for anyone navigating dating with chronic illness written by someone in the same boat.
TL;DR: The Summary
Having health issues paired with being a single Christian does narrow down the dating pool quite a bit but at least being on SALT you know that you are searching within a Christian dating app!
Here are 5 steps that you can check off to help you feel more confident in your Christian dating experience!
- Your profile
- Explaining and communicating about your health conditions
- Planning dates
- Dealing with rejection or unwanted conversations
- Are you ready?
Let’s get into some practical tips, starting with your profile!
Intro
You may have heard of or seen the popular romanticised movies “The Fault in Our Stars” or “Five Feet Apart”, amongst others, where a young couple both living with terminal illness meet and find love. The movies make it look simple, right?! But is this really the reality for dating in the real world whilst navigating health challenges?
Living with chronic illness and health conditions sure does come with its challenges, and dating is no exception. In the modern dating world, we have more access to online dating and connection than ever before. However, that doesn’t make it any easier when it comes to dating with chronic illness.
Whether you’ve been recently diagnosed, been fighting this battle for a long time or are undiagnosed struggling to live with symptoms, know that you are not alone and are in the right place. Here are some Christian online dating tips and advice that can help you navigate your dating journey!
Profile
Should you put photos on your profile with your mobility aids and or wheelchair? This is entirely up to you! Each person’s disability affects them in different ways. Some people are full time wheelchair users, others are ambulatory wheelchair users and some use mobility aids or none at all. There is no right or wrong answer, just what feels the most comfortable and authentic to you!
Having your mobility aid on your profile does highlight to those swiping on the dating app that you live with a disability. This can help aid conversations and awareness if you were to match and start chatting! It also shows to potential matches ahead of time that this is a part of your life. Alternatively, you can hint at your health in words rather than photos, by adding answers to prompts that include aspects of your life living with chronic illness. That way it’s not over-explaining but giving other users some sort of indication that health may be something that affects your life.
Each of these are great options. You could do one or the other, or both. Or on the other hand, you could choose not to do either and then explain later on when you start chatting to someone. Remember, not all disabilities are visible. It’s important to note that your illness or disability isn’t the whole of who you are or your identity, you are so much more than your health challenges. And potential matches would be so lucky to get to know you!
The cons of being upfront
The downside of having indications on your profile about your disability, from personal experience, when you match, can sometimes fast track to some pretty big and personal questions early on! Which can be unwanted and, at times, invasive questions that can be hard to deal with. We will dive into how to manage these later on!
Additionally, people may offer to pray for you, give suggestions on healing or things that they think might be helpful. However, the majority of the time, people are very respectful and usually extend a lot of kindness and curiosity rather than judgement. And honestly want to learn what life is like for you and understand how it affects your activities and day-to-day life. Which leads us onto…
Explaining and communicating about your health conditions
Knowing how to communicate and explain your illness can be tricky at times. How much do you share and when? Again, this is no one size fits all and can vary from person to person and also, the individual that you’re chatting to on the dating app!
Honestly, it can be hard to know where to begin, as explaining your health versus someone seeing what you go through first hand, are two entirely different things! Sharing comes with a lot of vulnerability and that can be hugely nerve wracking at times.
Figuring out what to say and when to drop it into conversations can be done in different ways, some whilst you’re chatting to someone on the dating app, and others can come later on when you’re in person. Some people prefer to share as soon as possible and feel confident in sharing, but most of the time, it feels like a daunting task!
Practical tips
Let’s figure out some ways to help you get your head around explaining and communicating your health challenges and circumstances that you deal with.
If you’ve decided to put some photos on your profile that highlight your disability or answers to prompts, the person you’ve matched with may ask questions straight away (depending on personality) but most may not. It’s hard to know, and there’s no way to predict how the other person will respond. If questions aren’t at the forefront of your chats, the best way to weave into discussion about your life is to let the conversation, as much as you can, flow as naturally as possible.
Drip-feed information
For instance, if work or hobbies come up, this may lead to an opening to explain about your chronic illness and how it affects you if you currently are unable to work or have limitations in your life when it comes to hobbies and activities. Communicate as clearly and as honestly as you can. These conversations may elicit feelings of embarrassment or fear of not knowing how your match will take it. It can also come with anxiety to explain correctly, in the fear of being misunderstood or judged.
Hopefully, these conversations will go well and if they want to know more, you could share a brief overview of your health journey. It could be helpful to share that commonly with chronic illness, symptoms can fluctuate, with no two days or even two minutes being exactly the same. You can have ‘good’ and ‘bad’ days, and a lot can be uncertain week to week. If ‘next week’s plans’ come up, if they include hospital appointments or time to rest and recover for you, you could always drop those into your conversation.
Replying to messages
Living with chronic medical conditions can really limit your energy and may take you longer to respond to messages or be inconsistent with communication. If this is something you’re aware you struggle with, be upfront about this, so the other person knows your communication style, that you require more time and patience, not that you’ve suddenly lost interest if you’re having a harder week. This then provides them with clarity within your conversations.
Later on, you could always find social media posts or articles that help explain your diagnosis and emphasize your symptoms without you having to go into too much depth, which might be helpful. These may touch upon the daily struggles or limitations you experience.
Share the positives too
Lastly, you don’t always have to focus on the hard aspects of illness but share about things that you do find helpful, even if they may seem small to you. For example, a Bible verse that helps you during hard times, your favourite song or genre music, tv shows or film, a devotional, sermon or Bible plan that you are leaning on or things that you’re grateful for in life. When we share with others, we may have more in common than you first think! And if you don’t, there’s always the next match!
Planning dates
Ok, you’ve hit it off and you’ve either asked or been asked out on a date! Knowing how to communicate your needs may feel stressful or awkward, especially asking for certain accommodations and not wanting to feel like a burden. But I can guarantee, 9 times out of 10, that if this person has asked you out, they would want to make sure you are as safe and comfortable as possible! Whether that’s going somewhere that meets your dietary requirements, making sure the venue or place is wheelchair accessible, is low energy or be adapted to your health requirements.
It’s best to share early on, rather than going along with something that you’re not comfortable with or unable to manage. You could choose a place that you’re familiar with or somewhere close by if you’re not able to travel too far.
Consider video call
A great way to get to know each other is to do a FaceTime date before an in person date. It takes less energy and if you’re not feeling it, it saves time and energy in the long run.
Essentially, a date is supposed to be a fun way to get to know each other and determine if you’d like to see each other again!
Not all aspects of Christian dating online are easy. And as mentioned earlier, interactions can sometimes be hurtful, awkward or just downright uncomfortable. So, how do we deal with these situations when they arise?
Dealing with rejection or unwanted conversations
Encounters may happen that involve you being on the receiving end of very personal and invasive questions or offensive statements. If this is the case, your health and peace of mind are of utmost priority. If these do occur, and you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in any way, the ‘report & block match’ is there to ensure your safety whilst dating online using SALT. However, if it doesn’t warrant such a drastic action, the ‘remove match’ is also there as an option too. If neither of these feel necessary, from having hard conversations rather than unwanted, learning how to navigate uncomfortable conversations can be done.
One of the most famous Bible verses for marriage and relationships is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT. “Love is patient, love is kind… Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” This is even more true when it comes to finding love whilst living with chronic illness. Especially when it comes to learning how to communicate and explain your medical conditions to a potential partner. It’s important to remember that love and respect goes both ways in communication! As much as those living with chronic illness need patience, matches might also need some time in formulating their responses or not always knowing the best way to respond when entering into a conversation about medical difficulties.
If you do explain and the person that you’re talking to doesn’t respond well, ghosts you or even unmatches, know that this isn’t a reflection on you. This is where we extend grace! To them and to ourselves. Some people may just not have the capacity or understanding when it comes to health struggles and not know how to respond.
Keep going
These reactions can be hard to deal with and might deter us from wanting to keep trying. But you never know, the next person you match with might respond differently!
Jesus did say ‘turn the other cheek,’ but that doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful or hard to move on from. We can remember the verses in Colossians 3:12-15 NIV that says “clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
It might also simply just mean you’re not compatible and it will make room for the one who is! Besides, “there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” 1 John 4:18 NIV
Are you ready?
And finally, it also starts with YOU. Begin with prayer and some introspection. You can ask yourself the questions… “Do I feel ready to start dating?” or “Am I in a place right now to date?- Physically, mentally and emotionally?” If the answer is no, that’s completely ok! Maybe ask yourself some further questions to figure out why and if there are any particular reasons behind it. Is there any support that you need or anything you need to work or heal through? Or it could simply be that you just don’t feel ready. And you know what? That’s absolutely ok too!
This gives much needed respect not only to yourself but to others on the dating app. There may come a time in another season that you do feel ready. You can also take pauses in dating throughout your journey if you find yourself needing a break! Check in with yourself periodically, and first and foremost, make sure you’re taking care of yourself mentally, physically and emotionally the best that you can throughout the dating process! And try to remember, your relationship status isn’t a reflection of your worth or amount of faith.
Ultimately, there is no one way to date correctly. Or a + b = c. But hopefully after reading this Christian dating blog you feel more prepared to face and explore the world of Christian online dating whilst coping with the trials that you experience.
Find your people
Are you a Christian living with chronic illness and in need of community? Look out for and join Francesca and Paddy’s TABLE room ‘Love and Life with Chronic Illness’ available live worldwide, via the SALT Christian dating app or on the TABLE website.
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