I recently re-watched the 2003 (!) classic Bruce Almighty. 

For the younger audience out there, firstly give it a watch. But to clue you in, the film follows aspiring news anchor Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey) who feels like the whole world, particularly God, is against Him. In his frustrations he meets God (Morgan Freeman – who else) who gives Bruce all His powers, since Bruce thinks he can do a better job anyway. 

At first these new powers make Bruce’s life goooooood. He rights some wrongs, gets his dream job, and parts a bowl of tomato soup like the red sea… 

But soon when his relationship falls apart and his powers are powerless to fix it, Bruce learns the hard way that being God isn’t as easy as giving everyone what they want. 

Why then, are his powers powerless to make his girlfriend love him again? 

Freewill.

TL;DR: The Summary

That’s the problem with dating. It is hard! We all want to fix the problems or actually find our person by playing God ourselves. You bet we’d make things happen on our time if that were the case. But freewill comes into play. 

We’re all free to choose who we do and don’t date. And we’re free to date as many people as we like at the same time. Right? 

Dating multiple people can be a spicy topic, especially in Christian dating spheres.

But can we control the choices of others? Should we feel guilty for messaging multiple people at the same time? Can we say yes to 3 dates in the same week with different people? 

Finding out what’s right and wrong in Christian dating is sometimes super simple and for others, can be more murky. 

So we’re going to swim through the grey area and consider the question – Is it wrong to date multiple people? 

• Define ‘date’ 
• The way to cookie crumbles 
• The benefits 
• The drawbacks
• The questions

Define ‘Date’

Most important before we kick off is to make sure we’re talking about the same thing when we talk about ‘dating’ multiple people. 

We’ll each have our own definition of what separates dates from dating. So I’ll just be clear on the kind of ‘dating’ I’m referring to in this Christian dating blog when it comes to ‘multi-dating’. 

What I hope is obvious is that dating multiple people (for Christians and non-Christians alike) does not mean seeing other people when you are already in a committed relationship. This is cheating. Hopefully this doesn’t need much further explanation. 

What we’re looking at is going on dates with different people at the early stages of connection. This is in the matching/meeting and first (few) dates kind of area. If things are new and you’re getting to know people, ‘multi-dating’ may be an approach you choose to take. 

Why is it important that we define this?

Well as Christians, we’ve an important job in being good witnesses to the world. To uphold the dignity of all people, including those we date. Knowing the parameters of where dating a few people is okay and where it crosses the line is an important consideration to ensure we date with respect and kindness, even if things don’t end in commitment and marriage. 

Remember we are to live like Jesus, knowing His love for us is a love for all that influences how we love and respect others. 

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Galatians 2:20

The Way The Cookie Crumbles

The thing is, online dating in particular opens up the opportunity to date multiple people. It’s a reality of the way we date in this day and age and though we may all have different opinions on whether this should be something that we do as Christians, to an extent we need to accept this is just part and parcel. 

After all, being on an app and swiping will likely lead to you matching with more than one person at around the same time. It’s, to an extent, a numbers game. 

If online dating is going to be part of your Christian dating journey, you’ll need to get comfortable with the idea that those on the app will be speaking to other people as they match online. 

But this is a good thing. It gives you the freedom to connect with different people too. If you get swept away with your very first match as a sign from God that they’re your person, you might be met with disappointment by over investing too soon.

When approaching dating, especially online, as single Christian men and women we can embrace aspects of the culture that help us in dating well and broadening the pool of Christians we can meet to date without allowing things like jealousy and control to cloud our views.

The Benefits

So if dating multiple people might not be wrong, what makes it right for us?

Perspective

Dating more than one person can allow for a better perspective as you date. 

One of the most common dating complaints for Christian singles is that they can’t find another Christian to date, there is a worrying shortage of eligible Christian men and women out there and so if we do find one we might give that person more of a shot than we should as we’re afraid that our chances of meeting other single Christians are too slim. 

But friends, we should not be motivated by fear (Psalm 27:1). Though the pool may be smaller, the truth is there are single Christians out there, many of whom are ready and willing to date!

Dating multiple people will help to alter your perspective of the ‘Christian dating shortage’ and know that you don’t need to take desperate action or make crazy compromises to find yourself in a relationship. This frees you to relax a little more as you date.

Personality

Through meeting and getting to know different people as you date, this also allows you to bring your authentic self, your true personality, to dating rather than putting on a persona that you pray the person you’re dating likes. 

This takes the pressure off us as we date. We no longer have to think about how we might allure our Christian crush through showing up at every event to prove how holy we are, or brushing up on their favourite coffee supplier just to have things to talk to them about. We can let go a bit and be ourselves. This puts us in a much better headspace to consider what we like about the people we are getting to know.

Perfect Partner

Exposure to more people helps you to see what you do and don’t want in a partner – this is particularly helpful if dating is new to you or you’re going back into dating again after some time. Being able to, in a way, compare how you feel about different aspects of your time with different dates gives you something to work from.

When my friends had dates or relationships that didn’t work out, I’d always say, “Now you know some things that you don’t and what is important to you in a relationship”. This is a healthy normal part of dating, learning what we want as we interact with others. 

Sure the fairytale of love at first sight sounds great, and a time saver, but I think there’s a reason we never see films after the credits roll ‘happily ever after’. 

‘Multi-dating’ therefore isn’t putting people in competition to win your favour,  but instead gives you the space to truly consider what committing to different types of people might mean for your future, and whether this is something that you want!

The Drawbacks

But if dating multiple people has so many benefits, does that mean there’s nothing wrong with it? Well that’s not strictly true either…

Paradox of Choice

The flip side of freewill is that this can make us quite indecisive and self centred in our pursuit of our wants. 

In dating, both in person and online – too many choices makes it hard to commit. This is a problem for Christians as much as the rest of the world. We are not exempt. 

The paradox of choice can lead to people being led on, in dating scenarios that should have ended a long time ago or dating when we’re not ready/have the wisdom for it.

Pulled in different directions

There is a practical reality to dating more than one person at once too. You’re going to have multiple conversations to keep track of and remember to reply to for starters, for some this is not easy to keep up with. 

‘Multi-dating’ will also have an impact on your time, energy and finances. Dating ain’t always cheap. If you say yes to dating multiple people you’ll need the time in your calendar to get to know them, maybe set up in person dates, the willingness to have the same ‘getting to know you conversations’ and spend your money being with these people. 

For me personally, I would be concerned that in talking to too many people at once, my feelings would be muddled or I wouldn’t be able to tune into my feelings as much due to keeping track of who I’m giving my attention to at that time. But that’s just me.

Personal Reasons

And this brings me to that point that for some of us, dating multiple people is wrong because it just doesn’t sit right with us. Whether this is for personal, practical or historic reasons.

If it gives you that uncomfortable feeling then don’t make life hard for yourself and have this in the back of your mind as you date. 

Dating in Christianity doesn’t come with black and white rulebook. But your freewill allows you to date one by one if that is what fits best with you. 

Perhaps you have this feeling because you are worried about others judging you for dating different people. This feeling, although understandable, may be worth challenging. You can’t be yourself in dating if you’re worrying about what everyone else thinks about who you’re with or how you’re going about things. 

We should date with wisdom and the opinion that should matter most is God’s, so talk to Him about it and then see how you feel. 

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 1:5

The Questions

As you discern if dating multiple people is right or wrong for you, some tricky questions with hard to find answers may arise. 

Here’s a few to mull over.

Is Dating Multiple People For Everyone?

Short answer is – no. 

If you’re like me and a big overthinker, or you’re quite a busy person or you’re a bit mad at God for not bringing you a godly man or woman to date yet – trying to date different people at once might not be your best move. 

But for those who when dating in the past have been too quick to dive deep and the results haven’t been so positive, dating multiple people will help you to slow down, weigh your options and perhaps make more wisdom led decisions. If you have a tendency to go all in too fast, multi-dating might be the solution for you.

How do you manage dating multiple people? Is there a maximum number?

Really this will come down to yourslef. You might be comfortable having your weeknights filled with back to back dates, or you might stop swiping once you have 5 people to talk to in an app.  

Here are a few approaches to multi-dating that might help you balance things.

Kait Warman (Heart of Dating) suggests:

Keep a steady PACE. Time is your best friend. Ideally, set a boundary of one date a week with them. Similarly, balance how much you communicate with them in between. Keep it even and fair between people as best as possible.

HopefulGirl (Christian Connection) has a policy in mind.

I’d suggest that it’s okay to line up first dates with several people. But if you like someone enough to go on a second or third date, put any other meetings on hold while you explore the possibility of a relationship. A ‘one in, one out’ door policy, if you like. (If that’s too much to ask, at least keep the misleading flirtation to a low rumble to avoid offering false hope.)

Do I need to tell the people I’m meeting that I’m dating multiple people?

Now this is quite a tough question. 

Some would say yes, otherwise you’re not being open and transparent. But on the flip side, it’s a bit awkward to declare on a first meet/match with someone that, just so they’re aware, you are going to go on dates with other people. 

The best way to navigate this is to be honest when asked. If your date asks you if you’re talking to other people, and the answer is yes, then say so. Be up front (in a normal way) when dating. If someone isn’t comfortable with it they can choose to not continue dating you.

Is it possible to find even one person to date, let alone more?!

I hear you, and I know the ‘Christian shortage’ is a valid fear. Remember dating is hard at times and for many of us our experience has not been easy nor have the dates been free flowing. 

If you want to meet Christian singles online, then heck out some of our advice on how to have success on dating apps. You might also like to consider whether moving churches is necessary to broaden your pool of prospective dates.

Let’s Conclude

My conclusion is that dating multiple people isn’t wrong, nor a sin. 

If you’re cheating – that’s a different story altogether. But for those of us looking to gain a bit of perspective and ease the gas while we get to know fellow single Christians, dating multiple people may be the way to go. 

But we should be aware that we aren’t perfect and that in dating more than one person we may fall foul to indecision and over commitment as we date. 

The best approach is to think about some of the hard questions and know our own ‘why’ in choosing to date multiple people (or not).