Christians are not good at dating – there are dating mistakes everywhere.
I see the Christian community thriving in the area of getting back to true worship of God right now.
We’ve been reminded of the great commission and are being bold to share our faith in our spheres of influence.
Our efforts to serve our local areas to meet the needs of those around us is growing.
Dating however, is not our strong suit.
It makes sense in some ways. Churches are great at promoting marriage but less helpful is leading single people to find their spouse. You’d also be hard pressed to find specific and clear cut Christian dating advice in the Bible…
This has led Christian singles down the dating path to make many a mistake along the way.
We get awkward, split hairs, keep secrets and can sometimes make a right old mess on things.
Surely by now, there’s got to be some good advice to dodge some of these pitfalls?
TL;DR: The Summary
In all our good intentions to find a life partner, as Christian singles who are looking to date, sometimes it is just as helpful to know what not to do as it is to know what to do!
So, we’re going to face dating mistakes head on.
This can be painful to consider at times. But if we’re after success (and true love!), it’s best to look at the hard truths even if they are difficult to swallow.
I hope this blog will be the ‘spoon full of sugar’ to help your dating efforts go down in ‘the most delightful way.’
Let’s not shy away or waste any time but jump straight to it.
What are the dating mistakes to avoid as Christians?
- Being defined by singleness
- Not knowing what you’re looking for
- Diving in too deep
- Pressing fast forward on a relationship
- Tempting yourself with ‘the line’
- Waiting on God to do the work
Being Defined By Singleness
So much of the struggle of being a single Christian looking to date is not who we do or don’t meet, but our own feelings about our singleness.
Being a single Christian be like…
It’s so easy to give in to feelings or expectations that make us feel less than good enough just because we are single.
We can quickly let our single status become a part of us and add negative connotations to how we see ourselves. It can even make us jealous of friends getting in relationships.
This might be through how our family or church family make us feel, it might be through failed relationships from the past, lost hope, never being asked out, or fighting the reality of loneliness. It can be a rollercoaster to navigate choosing to hold onto the good things we have and being dragged into the pit of single sadness. It’s a bit like this.
Know your worth
The risk if we allow these feelings to drive us as we date, is that we might think of ourselves as not worthy of anything good. This will lead to more dating mistakes.
It’s important to believe that you are worthy of happiness, love and respect. If you don’t believe you are worth being in a good relationship, then the chances are you will not find a happy relationship. Instead, take time to consider what you’re worth and make sure that you seek a mate and relationship which value you.
Instead of waiting for someone to fulfil us and the ‘void’ that may be in our hearts, we need to work on our self esteem so that we bring our best self to dating. This in turn helps us to not be defined by our singleness and let our feelings rule our decision making. Plus we’ll be less likely to let someone who isn’t going to give their best to us into our hearts either.
So be quick to hold onto the love and worth God places on you and avoid being defined by your single status.
Not Knowing What You’re Looking For
Lots of us know that we don’t want to be single. But we have no specifics on what we’re actually looking for in a partner.
Do your research
As Christian men and women who are single, before we begin to actively date it makes sense to avoid this mistake and instead prepare well.
Think about it: you wouldn’t start shopping for a house or a car before you first sat down and thought about what you were looking for. In the same way, you shouldn’t start dating until you know what you are looking for in a spouse.
Kristopher Schaal, Growing Fathers
After all, looking for a life partner is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, decisions you will make. What we need to know for ourselves is how to look for the person who will be a real partner to us, says Professor Scott Galloway.
Give Yourself a Guide
As we know, Christian dating isn’t always easy and going in blind is not a wise move. We need to equip ourselves to date with intention and clarity.
You can consider what to look for in a potential partner through many perspectives; character qualities, commitment to faith, lifestyle, future goals. We can collate these thoughts with help too, discerning what might be best for us through prayer and conversations with those who know us well.
This isn’t a list to limit us but to steer us towards successful dating so we don’t get caught up in the wrong kind of relationship or easily led astray by our emotions. Know your non-negotiables!
Diving In Too Deep!
When we do find ourselves talking to someone new, or a few dates in, as Christians we can have a tendency to give away too much about ourselves too soon.
Feeling familiar
In our hopes, and sometimes desperation, to find ‘the one’ we can get carried away by the excitement and intensity of something new and feel too familiar with someone we, in reality, barely know.
It’s understandable. For many of us, finding that person who we connect with has been long hoped for. Getting a glimpse that this may be actually happening can be a gateway to opening the steely gates around our hearts and letting it all pour out.
Too much too soon
But diving deep and exposing the very vulnerable parts of our past and present to our date is usually a mistake. Dumping our baggage early on isn’t the way to go…
The chances are you’re going to end up overwhelming them because they don’t know you well enough yet. They don’t know who you are outside of those struggles.
Equally for you, you might find yourself overly attached to someone too soon because you’ve given away so much of your inner self before building a foundation of friendship and trust.
Pressing Fast Forward on a Relationship
This is the mistake that most of us are already aware of and think ‘oh no, that won’t be me’. You’d be surprised how easy it is to rush things.
Proceed with caution
As Christians dating of course we’re going to be thinking about the big things a lot earlier than many of our non-Christian peers. Our ultimate goal is marriage and not just having a bit of fun.
But often this has turned into pressing the ‘fast forward’ button on a relationship resulting in some people almost acting like they are married before they really are.
We need to proceed with caution, especially in the early stages and place our focus on a) enjoying dating this person and b) making effort to really get to know them before involving others.
Global news
One of the tell tale signs that things are moving fast is going public on a relationship that is still in its infancy.
I remember a friend gushing about a guy, you could tell they were just in the ‘head over heels’, ‘can’t see the wood from trees’ phase which was lovely to see them experience and be so happy. But knowing so much about it from such an early point sent my warning radar off. Unfortunately, and expectedly, it didn’t last.
Be careful in involving friends early on, and even more wary of introducing your date to your family when things are fresh.
Of course some of these things are impacted by circumstances, but asking them to join the family group chat or holiday booking is best saved for later down the line.
The same can be said for ‘announcing’ your relationship online. Though your heart might want the world to know, remember that your private life can be just that as you date.
Though it seems like it won’t affect you, what we put on social media can have an impact on us for better or worse.
Go slow and keep updates to your inner circle until things feel more settled.
The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.
Proverbs 21:5 (NIV)
Tempting Yourself With ‘The Line’
Dating and relationships for Christians can contain a lot of physical temptations.
We might like to think that knowing our boundaries is enough but we are not always as strong at sticking to them as we first think.
Where is the line?
An important step as godly Christian men and women is to not be sucked in by playing around with ‘crossing the line.’
If our thoughts are about how far we can actually go then you’re likely not ready to be dating another person yet. These thoughts are about pursuing our own pleasure over the purity God calls us to.
We will all find temptations hard to avoid, especially as our feelings develop for the person we are dating. Know you aren’t alone and there are lots of ways to reinforce your choice to honour your body, the person you’re dating and your decision to save sex for marriage.
Why not check out our blog ‘How far is too far? Christian dating boundaries’ for more advice.
The why
When faced with temptations in dating, or even as we prepare to date, it’s always good to know they ‘why’ for the choices we make for our faith. As Sabrina Peters for Way FM writes:
The point is not avoiding intercourse, the point is not bonding emotionally, physically, psychologically and sexually with someone that you’re not married to!
The bonds that we can make with people who we may then break up with or not continue dating are hard to let go of even after time has gone on. Protect yourself from unnecessary hurt by choosing to be physically cautious now.
Waiting on God to Do The Work
“I’ll just wait for God to bring my person to me”
“I prayed and said to God that the next brunette man I see walk into church is who I’m going to marry”
“I’m over trying, God can tell me who to date next”
These are a small selection on the many ways we can make mistakes in Christian dating by demanding God’s intervention or choosing to be passive so that God does something for us. Resting on our laurels and waiting for God to do the work for us is not a good tactic.
Over-spiritualising
For Christian singles it’s easy to over-spiritualise dating. We often forget how much our freewill and the freewill of others plays into things.
Yes, relationships are good. Yes, God wants people to marry and have committed foundations for creating families. But no, He’s not forced us all into marriage, it’s a choice we make. He doesn’t owe us a partner, it’s a gift we might receive but many don’t or choose not to.
Of course we want to seek God as we date and prioritise our relationship with Him regardless of our relationship status. But we need to have more of an open heart as we date.
If you aren’t getting too much of a sense from God about who you are dating, that’s okay. You don’t need to wait on a big flashing sign in the sky from the Lord to tell you if someone is the one or not. Trust the qualities God has given you and your mind of reason to help you date well.
Giving it a go
Often in ‘giving it to God’ we take this as singles as a reason to sit back and wait in Christian dating. Then we get upset when nothing happens.
If this feels familiar, I think God is telling you to just give it a go. Get out there. Make a start. Flirt with someone you like. Offer God something to partner with you in, instead of holding off for some perfect person to catch your eye across the street.
For many of us this means getting comfortable with dating online. We really can’t make the excuse that there is no place to find single Christian men and women to date anymore, thanks to the online dating world.
… technology has made it easier than ever to connect with people who share your faith. There are now Christian dating apps and websites that allow you to easily find other Christian singles who are looking for a relationship.
It might feel cringe at first but apps, like SALT, are made by people like you who are wanting to create an encouraging and safe space for Christian singles to meet and date. It’s worth giving it a go!
Let’s Conclude
Trust me, there are many other Christian dating mistakes out there.
Now you know a few, I hope they guide you to trust that you’re worthy of a good relationship and that you need to have an idea of the kind of person you’re looking for.
Being aware of the pitfalls of gushing out our innermost thoughts, rushing into a new relationship or pushing the boundaries of physical intimacy will help you to protect your heart and the heart of those you meet and date too.
What’s more, trusting that God is for you in dating empowers us all to get ourselves out there and not hide behind excuses.
But be encouraged, mistakes are normal. Sometimes through our mistakes, God can guide us to the best things in life.
… God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along.
That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Romans 8:26-28 (The Message) abbreviated
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