Have you ever met someone who seemed to have all the “potential” in the world, but when you looked closer, their actions didn’t quite match their promises? As Christian singles, many of us have been there—holding onto hope for a relationship that could grow into something beautiful, while quietly wondering if the other person is truly bearing fruit. It’s a delicate balance between recognizing someone’s potential and confirming that they are actively walking in their faith, pursuing their goals, and living out Godly character.
TL;DR: The Summary
Potential, while appealing, can be tricky. It’s inspiring to see someone’s God-given gifts and future possibilities, but it’s just as important to make sure they are actually pursuing the life God has called them to. As James 2:26 reminds us, “Faith without works is dead.” The same applies to character and relationships: we’re called to bear fruit, not just talk about it. In this post, we’ll explore how to approach “dating for potential” in a way that honors God and sets you on the path to a thriving, Christ-centered relationship. Here are five key points to keep in mind when discerning potential in a relationship:
- Look for Kinetic Potential, not Idle Promises
- Align Your Values and Vision
- Discern Character through Actions, Not Just Words
- Balance Grace with Discernment
- Trust God’s Plan
Intro
Let’s talk about what “dating for potential” really means, how it can help or hinder your relationships, and how to approach it wisely through a Biblical lens. This isn’t about being judgmental or expecting perfection—it’s about discerning the heart, aligning your values, and seeking a partner who is actively growing in faith and character, not just talking about it.
Dating as a Christian single can be both exciting and challenging. You’re looking for someone who shares your values, loves the Lord, and is committed to building a Christ-centered relationship. But in a world of dating apps, social media, and fast-paced interactions, it’s easy to get swept up by appearances, charm, and yes—potential.
Shouldn’t we believe the best?
I know how hard it can be to see potential in someone, only to discover it was just a mask. That’s why it’s so important to guard our hearts during the dating stage—so we don’t fall in love prematurely with someone who isn’t God’s best for us. This doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, but you can’t risk your calling just because someone has “potential.” Your future will either be propelled or derailed by your spouse.
Too many Christians have entered relationships that led to detours and heartbreak God never intended—all because of potential. Some Christian singles cling to the belief that “they’ll change for me,” but unless that person is fully surrendered to the Lord, they won’t change simply for you.
Look for Kinetic Potential, not Idle Promises
It’s easy to fall for someone with big dreams and bold ambitions. They might talk about becoming a missionary, starting a ministry, or growing in their faith. But here’s the key question: are they actively working toward those goals, or just talking about them?
Kinetic potential means potential in motion. It’s not just about what someone says they want to do—it’s about what they’re actually doing. Are they serving in their church? Do they actively seeking God’s guidance in their decisions? Are they intentionally working on their personal and spiritual growth? As believers, we’re called to bear fruit, and that means our lives should reflect our faith in tangible ways.
My experience
I remember a guy I dated right before graduating high school. He regularly attended church with his family and even joined us for some youth events. But looking back, it’s clear he was just going through the motions. As a teenager, I naively believed that church attendance automatically meant good intentions.
He never disrespected me, called me names, or showed abusive tendencies. But things changed when I set a boundary and made it clear I wasn’t having premarital sex. Though he told me over the phone, “I can respect that,” I gradually saw the relationship deteriorate. Eventually, he ended things via text, saying, “This is not going to work out.” I later found out he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend.
Spotting incompatibility
There’s a lot of emphasis these days on spotting “toxic behavior.” We’ve been trained to look for obvious red flags, but we also need discernment to notice the yellow flags—the subtle signs of lukewarm faith. Someone can appear to love God on the outside, but deep down, their heart may not be in the right place. While some people are devastated by toxic relationships, many Christian singles are simply disappointed by connections that seemed right—but weren’t rooted in true spiritual alignment.
When you’re getting to know someone, pay attention to their actions. Do their words match their behavior? Are they genuinely committed to pleasing the Lord and pursuing His calling on their life? Remember, a relationship built on idle promises is like building a house on sand—it won’t stand when storms come.
Align Your Values and Vision
As Amos 3:3 says, “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?” In dating, it’s essential to align your values and vision for the future with your potential partner. This goes beyond surface-level compatibility and dives into the heart of your faith and purpose.
Ask yourself: Do you both prioritize your relationship with God above all else? Are you on the same page about important topics like marriage, family, and ministry? Are you both committed to living out Biblical principles in your daily lives? Alignment doesn’t require you to be identical in every way, but your paths should complement one another and point toward a shared Kingdom purpose.
Equally yoked
Christian dating advice often emphasizes the importance of being “equally yoked,” and for good reason. A relationship where one person is actively pursuing God while the other is indifferent can lead to frustration and heartache. Seek someone who shares your desire to honor God and build a Christ-centered future.
This doesn’t mean becoming legalistic or expecting your partner to express their faith exactly as you do. That’s why allowing time for the relationship to grow is so important—instead of rushing to decide if this person is “the one.” Many Christian singles fear wasting time in a relationship that may not work out. But I believe God knows how to redeem time. Even if things don’t lead to marriage, the experience isn’t wasted. You gain clarity, grow in wisdom, and become better prepared for your next relationship.
Discern Character Through Actions, Not Just Words
Words are powerful, but actions speak louder. When you’re dating with intention, it’s essential to discern someone’s character by how they live, not just by what they say. Jesus said in Matthew 7:16, “You will recognize them by their fruits.” This means we should look for visible evidence of the Holy Spirit’s work in their life.
Do they show kindness, humility, and patience? Are they honest and trustworthy? Do they seek forgiveness and extend grace? These are marks of godly character, developed through an active relationship with Christ. You’re looking for patterns, not potential.
One of the best Christian dating tips is to observe how someone treats others—especially in difficult situations. Do they reflect Christ’s love in their interactions? Do they respond to challenges with faith and perseverance? Character is revealed over time, in the daily choices we make and the way we live.
Believe what they show you
I’m reminded of a quote by Maya Angelou: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” This applies not only to godly traits but also to negative ones. The challenge is that once our emotions are involved, we tend to excuse red flags, hoping things will improve. But ignoring poor character can lead to deep regret.
I’ve seen countless posts from wives asking, “What do I do if I think I married the wrong person?” I’ve also seen good Christian men marry the wrong woman, only to face heartache later. One man shared how he married his wife just six to ten weeks after they met. Though they were married for ten years and had children together, their relationship ended in a painful divorce and a difficult custody battle.
There’s no condemnation for those who have made mistakes in relationships. God offers grace, and He can heal even the deepest wounds. But before entering a covenant like marriage, we must seek His guidance. Yes, God redeems, but we must also remember: divorce was never His original design. Even Jesus said divorce was only permitted because of the hardness of people’s hearts.
Marriage was always meant to be a sacred, lifelong union between one man and one woman—not to restrict, but to create the freedom to love one person wholly and unconditionally. It was designed to reflect the devotion Christ has for His bride, the Church.
Balance Grace with Discernment
As Christians, we’re called to extend grace and view others through the lens of God’s love. However, grace doesn’t mean ignoring red flags or settling for less than God’s best for you. Discernment is a gift from the Holy Spirit, and it’s essential when navigating relationships.
In dating, it’s important to strike a balance between grace and discernment. This means showing compassion and understanding for someone’s struggles or shortcomings while also setting healthy boundaries and maintaining your standards. If someone shows potential but isn’t actively working to grow in their faith or personal life, it’s okay to lovingly address it and seek clarity.
Open communication
If the person is open to correction and shows a willingness to grow, the relationship may still be worth pursuing. But this isn’t about expecting perfection. Many Christians mistakenly believe that marriage will fix their personal problems. That’s simply not true. Both spouses will still be flawed human beings who occasionally miss the mark. The key difference is whether someone is humble enough to admit when they’re wrong, seek God’s forgiveness, and allow the Holy Spirit to transform their behavior. Some people are quick to admit mistakes—but not everyone is willing to do the hard work that lasting change requires.
As believers, we are called to die to ourselves and surrender our will in pursuit of God’s ultimate purpose. For some, this sounds great in a worship song or during a Sunday sermon, but the real test of faith shows up in everyday life: How do they act at work? How do they respond to hardship? Do they run to the feet of Jesus, or do they turn to the club, drugs, or sex? Who someone turns to in a wilderness season reveals what’s truly inside them. It’s one thing to say Christ is in you—it’s another to live it when the enemy is actively working against you.
Remember, dating isn’t about fixing someone or waiting for them to change. It’s about choosing a partner who is already committed to growth and willing to walk alongside you in your journey of faith. Be prayerful, seek wise counsel, and trust God to guide your decisions.
Trust God’s Plan
Finally, remember that God’s plan for your life is perfect. It’s easy to feel pressure to find “the one” or to settle for a relationship based on potential out of fear of being single. But as Isaiah 40:31 reminds us, “Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength.”
Trust that God has a plan for your life and relationships. He knows your heart, your desires, and your needs better than anyone else. Instead of rushing into a relationship because of potential, focus on growing in your relationship with God and becoming the person He’s called you to be. As you pursue Him, He will guide you to the right person at the right time.
Singleness as a Christian
I know it can be especially difficult for Christian singles as they get older—past the age of 30, 40, 50, and even approaching 60. The enemy preys on that fear, and that’s why many Christian singles settle in relationships they later regret. I’m reminded of the “Cuffing Season” sermon series by Pastor Jerry Flowers. He and his wife performed a skit as a bride and groom about to marry, knowing deep down it wasn’t God’s will. By the end of the skit, the room was silent—you could almost hear a pin drop—because so many people could relate. They had been there before. Don’t let fear push you into saying “I do” when God is clearly saying, “This is not Me. This is not My will.”
What some Christian singles struggle to admit is how hard it is to truly trust God—especially when all they can see is their current reality. Disappointment can feel overwhelming. But if we could take a step back and refocus on how good our God is—and how much He delights in giving good gifts to His children—perhaps we’d gain a new perspective on waiting for a godly spouse.
Online dating
Christian online dating can be a wonderful tool to connect with other believers, but be sure to approach it with prayer, intentionality, and discernment. Seek God’s wisdom in your interactions, and trust Him to lead you into a relationship that reflects His love and purpose. Dating for potential is about more than what someone could become—it’s about who they are now: their actions, their character, and their willingness to grow. As Christian singles, we’re called to pursue relationships that honor God and help us grow in faith—not just ones that look good on paper. By doing so, you’ll position yourself for a relationship rooted in Christ and built to last.
Ready to take a step toward finding a Christ-centered relationship? Download the SALT dating app today.
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