This blog post is for church leaders who are looking to date and get married. How do you do it well alongside leading your church?
TL;DR: The Summary
How do you date and still honor God as a church leader—without things getting messy?
Here are five ways you can date as a church leader that honor God while using wisdom and discernment.
- Date with Intent, Not Attention
- Set Boundaries before You Need Them
- Invite God into Every Conversation
- Don’t Hide behind the Title
- Community over Secrecy
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a starting point to help you date intentionally. As a church leader, you must be mindful of the example you set for your congregation. It’s inconsistent to encourage them to pursue purity and wait until marriage while engaging in sex outside of marriage yourself. Make sure your private and public lives are aligned. You want to date with a clear conscience, able to present God’s word without hiding the truth about your own life.
Intro
Growing up in the church, I’ve seen people leave—especially women—after breakups with church leaders. They may have been dating the lead musician, the drummer, or even the youth pastor. When things didn’t work out, they felt too emotionally fragile to stay and decided it was best to leave and find another church. Sometimes, it’s the opposite: a church leader dates someone in the congregation, and when the relationship ends, they’re left seeing that person every Sunday, which creates ongoing tension and discomfort. So, should church leaders date within their own congregation?
If you find yourself in that position, I strongly recommend using discernment. Even if you’re not a leader, it’s wise to be intentional about who you date within your church. Why? Because as well-meaning as your church family may be, once word gets out, the pressure can start—especially around the idea of marriage. You may have only been dating a few weeks, but now others expect a wedding. Many relationships have suffered under that kind of scrutiny.
You’re leading others in faith—but what happens when your own heart gets involved? “I’ve gone out with church boys, and the musicians are the worst.” Unfortunately, there are many dating stories within the church involving leaders and members. While I haven’t personally experienced this, I did grow up as a pastor’s daughter, and sometimes it feels like living in a fishbowl. What most people fail to realize is that our church leaders—pastors, deacons, and others—are human too. They desire love just like anyone else.
Date with Intention, Not Attention
You’re not here for games. If you’re serious about your faith, be serious about your dating process. This doesn’t mean you have to know right away if the person you’re dating is “the one,” but it also doesn’t mean you should casually date everyone in your congregation just for fun.
It’s understandable to get to know one or two people in the early stages—after all, you’re still discerning. But dating one person this week, someone else the next, and then moving on to a third the following week? That’s not the posture of someone genuinely pursuing a Christ-centered relationship.
In your own congregation
If you’re interested in someone at your church, set clear expectations early. Don’t become exclusive too quickly—you need time to observe the fruit of their life. I think we can all agree that simply attending church or holding a leadership position doesn’t automatically mean someone is wholeheartedly following Jesus.
Take inventory of your own walk first. Make sure you’re in alignment with God. Then, as you date, be mindful to check if the person you’re interested in is doing the same. I love the quote by Pastor Jerry Flowers: “Keep it private until it’s permanent. Period.” I’ll expand on this more later, but the point is this—everyone at church doesn’t need to know who you’re dating. You’re not doing this for attention or applause.
Set Boundaries before You Need Them
Don’t wait until things heat up to figure out where the line is. Emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries should be clearly established as soon as you both decide to continue seeing each other. Church leaders are held to a higher standard because of the position they hold. The New Testament outlines specific requirements that pastors—and even deacons—must uphold if they wish to maintain their role in the church. That doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes, even as a leader. But leadership comes with accountability.
Unfortunately, some church leaders have abused their authority, using their position to take advantage of members in their congregation. You can set a different example by practicing what you preach and living out a biblical life, even in your dating. As I mentioned earlier, your private and public life shouldn’t be in conflict. You might preach a powerful sermon on Sunday, but God knows your plans for that evening—and what you did the night before.
God knows
Some Christian leaders believe that because God hasn’t punished them yet, they’re getting away with living a double life. But nothing escapes God’s notice, even if the consequences of poor choices aren’t immediate. Paul instructed Timothy in the New Testament to “be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, and in purity.”
Timothy was a young pastor whose heart was focused on pleasing God and preaching the truth. You can do the same—lead well and date with godliness. Communicate your boundaries early. If those boundaries aren’t respected, that person is not the right one for you. Make sure they understand your calling. Not everyone can carry the weight of being with someone in ministry, so you need someone who fully respects what God has called you to do.
My story
Growing up as a pastor’s daughter, I didn’t necessarily want to marry someone in ministry. It wasn’t because I had anything against pastors—it was because I witnessed the toll ministry took on our family. Yes, there are many blessings, but there is also another level of spiritual warfare that comes with it.
When my now-husband told me he was a youth pastor, I had to step back and seriously consider what pursuing a relationship with him would mean. In my case, God gave me peace and confirmation. I realized I had been prepared since childhood to support the calling God placed on my husband’s life.
Invite God into Every Conversation
This doesn’t mean you and the person you’re dating need to have a Bible study on day one. Spiritual intimacy is real, and I don’t recommend praying together too early. However, as you grow closer and become more serious, prayer can become a meaningful part of your relationship. It offers a glimpse into how the other person seeks God on your behalf. Are they asking God to lead and guide you both, or are their prayers centered only on what they want—making you the focal point of their life? Once you’re in a relationship, it’s important to ask questions that help you evaluate whether this is someone you can see a permanent future with, such as marriage.
Seek God’s guidance, and stay in tune with the Holy Spirit throughout your dating journey. Some people take this to the extreme, thinking they can only talk about God—especially if they’re dating a church leader. But remember, you are both human beings with unique interests. It’s not a sin to go dancing, watch a movie, or take a walk holding hands. You can enjoy different conversations while dating—but if your faith never comes up at all, that’s a red flag.
My experience
While my husband and I talked about shared interests and hobbies during our dating season, our foundation was rooted in God’s Word. I never doubted that he loved Jesus and the scriptures. As our relationship grew, he would pray for me and ask God to bless my day. When I lost loved ones, he would call just to pray for my comfort and my family’s peace. Of course, we also had fun—laughing and teasing each other about food preferences. My point? God should absolutely be at the center of your relationship—but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy other things in common.
Don’t Hide behind the Title
It’s not easy to be vulnerable with your congregation as a church leader. Many pastors and leaders have been burned by their church members, leaving them unsure of who they can trust or be honest with. If you’re considering dating someone in your church, take your time to evaluate whether this person is trustworthy. Leadership doesn’t require emotional unavailability. You can still show up to the relationship with honesty and transparency while exercising wisdom and discernment.
A lot of church leaders will just count themselves out of dating and hoping to get married especially as there are more things to consider. But discern with God whether this is your own limitation or just fear talking.
You’re not perfect—and that’s okay. The person you’re dating shouldn’t place unrealistic expectations on you just because you’re in a leadership role. At the same time, don’t feel like you have to hide behind your title to maintain the appearance of being flawless. When I was contemplating whether to pursue a relationship with my now-husband, my mother gave me a piece of advice that stuck with me. She said, “You must love the man,” especially when it comes to dating a pastor or someone in leadership.
You’re human
You may be a church leader, but you’re still a human being with desires and emotions like anyone else. Let your character speak for itself as you reflect Christ, and trust that God will bring someone into your life who sees the real you. You don’t have to force it—and if you are, it likely won’t work anyway. Your title is just that—a title. Your identity first and foremost comes from God, who called you. Date someone who respects your position, honors your calling, but most importantly, sees and values you as a person.
Community over Secrecy
You don’t have to announce your dating life to the whole congregation, but you also shouldn’t keep it completely hidden. I hinted at this earlier when I said, “keep it private until it’s permanent,” but let’s take it a step further. While not everyone needs to know about your relationship, it’s wise to invite trusted mentors or spiritual leaders into the process. This doesn’t mean others in your church won’t eventually find out, but hold off on saying anything publicly until you both have clarity about what you want.
I once dated a guy in church, and unfortunately, one reason he broke things off was due to something another church member said. She didn’t speak poorly of me—she simply mentioned that I was a pastor’s daughter with a sincere heart for the Lord. That comment made him feel insecure. He began to question whether his faith was “strong enough” to be with someone like me. I hadn’t told anyone about our relationship, but even with the best intentions, people will find out—and you need to be prepared to handle it. If someone is just being nosey, you don’t owe them an answer. But if it’s someone you trust, you can share a little while making it clear that it’s still early.
Seek wise counsel
Having a trusted inner circle who will pray over your relationship is essential. If things become more serious and you decide to get engaged, then it makes sense to share the news with the wider congregation—because at that point, the relationship is permanent. And if you’ve made the mistake of sharing too soon, don’t beat yourself up. It’s easy to get excited and overshare. Just use discretion going forward and keep your relationship accountable to those you truly trust.
You can date as a church leader in a way that honors the Lord and respects your congregation. It doesn’t have to be messy—and even if things don’t work out, you should be able to part ways respectfully. At the end of the day, your goal is to honor God and uphold His standards. Know that you can date without compromising your calling, purpose, or the spiritual authority God has given you.
Someone outside your congregation
Of course, often the easier option is to date someone outside of your congregation. That’s where SALT Christian dating app could come in. Ready to meet some incredible Christian singles? Download the Salt app today!
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