This blog post is full of advice for Christians in or considering a cross-cultural or inter-racial dating relationship to help you have a thriving future.
TL;DR: The Summary
Are you open to someone from a different culture? Notice I said culture—not a different faith. You can marry someone from a different background who loves Jesus just as much as you do, if not more. Let’s dive into five tips for building a strong and thriving cross-cultural relationship.
- Embrace Curiosity, Not Assumptions
- Communicate Openly, and Often
- Respect, Don’t Just Tolerate
- Learn Key Cultural Do’s and Don’ts
- Blend, Don’t Erase
I pray that, moving forward, you can confidently navigate Christian dating outside of your culture. Believe it or not, your differences can make you stronger. Being with someone from a different background can introduce you to a world you may have never considered. For example, my husband has lived in different parts of the world, including India and Switzerland, which gives him a well-rounded perspective.
In contrast, I have only ever lived in the USA. While I was raised to be compassionate toward those who are different, I don’t have the same firsthand experiences. My husband helps me grow in this area, and in turn, I’ve introduced him to aspects of my upbringing—whether through family traditions or even certain foods. He appreciates and welcomes this exposure.
Intro
Is it time to expand your dating pool? Many Christian singles say, “There are no singles in my area.” But when you suggest broadening their search, some hesitate, believing their future spouse must be from their city or hometown. Others dismiss the idea of long-distance relationships altogether, preferring someone close by. I understand their concerns—after all, we live in a world where scams are common. You connect with someone emotionally, only to end up disappointed.
However, not every experience will end in heartbreak, and we can’t let past disappointments dictate our future. If we do, we risk limiting God and what He can do in our dating lives. Without realizing it, we may put Him in a box. I know I did.
My story
I grew up in Texas and assumed my future husband would be from my city or at least my state. But what did God have in store for me? A man who wasn’t even born in the United States. My husband was born in Portugal to Nigerian parents and later moved to New York with his family.
I never imagined marrying someone from a different state, let alone a different cultural background. But can a cross-cultural relationship work? Absolutely. It does for my husband and me.
Are you open?
What about you? If I told you your future spouse would come from a different culture and background, would you be open to it? Would you be willing to embrace their differences, recognizing that they carry God’s blessings for you? Everything I prayed for—and more—I found in my husband. He encourages me, supports me, prays for me, and has held me through tears while making me laugh on my toughest days. Could God have blessed me with someone else? Of course. There are many amazing Christian men out there. But in this season of my life, my husband is exactly what I need.
Embrace curiosity, not assumptions
Unfortunately, we live in a world where assumptions are made constantly. We form opinions based on a one-minute social media reel without any context. I remember when people were talking about the weight loss of a particular actor. No one knew he was battling cancer—he had chosen to keep it private, sharing only with his close friends and loved ones. When he passed away, the world finally found out. Many people were remorseful for the cruel things they had said about him.
Assumptions are rarely beneficial, and they can cause serious harm when we judge others without knowing the full story. For example, I grew up in the southern United States, where certain foods are more common than others. My husband, however, was raised with a different cuisine. During one holiday celebration with his family, I was surprised to see that goat was on the menu. At first, I couldn’t believe it, but for them, it was perfectly normal. Some might ask, Who eats goat? But instead of making a big deal about it, I simply chose not to eat it.
Another example is how my husband’s family doesn’t eat macaroni and cheese often. This was foreign to me because, in the South, mac and cheese is a staple—especially with Sunday meals after church. But there’s no reason for me to judge my husband for having different food preferences. If anything, it just means more mac and cheese for me!
Celebrate differences
God made us all unique, and those differences should be celebrated. What makes me better than my husband, or him better than me? Nothing. We all have the right to our own preferences. There’s no need to mock or judge others just because something is unfamiliar to us.
When my husband and I were dating, I found myself asking a lot of questions. I was fascinated by his upbringing, and he found my childhood interesting too. Even though we both grew up in the U.S., there are noticeable cultural differences between New York and Texas. In the South, there’s a strong emphasis on pleasantries. If you make eye contact with someone, it’s customary to say, Hello or How are you?
I quickly learned that this isn’t the case in the North. It doesn’t mean people are rude; life just moves at a faster pace, and people don’t always have time for small talk. In fact, some might take offense if you look at them for too long. Your best bet is to mind your business—people have things to do! It’s been an interesting adjustment, but by staying curious, my husband has broadened my horizons.
Communicate Openly, and Often
One major difference I noticed between my husband’s family and my own is their directness. Where I grew up, conversations were more laid-back and diplomatic. It’s not that we avoided the truth, but we tended to be more tactful in how we expressed it. In contrast, my husband’s family is much more straightforward. They also speak with a level of projection that, to an outsider, might sound like yelling—but it’s not.
I’ve observed this dynamic firsthand, especially during family gatherings. Watching my husband and his siblings talk, you might think you were witnessing an argument. But that’s not the case—it’s simply how they communicate.
Understanding the dynamic
There’s a scene in season two of The Chosen between Jesus and His cousin, John the Baptist, that reminds me of this. Some viewers felt John was attacking Jesus and believed he should have shown more reverence since Jesus is the Messiah. However, after studying Jewish culture, the show’s director explained that this style of communication is common. Many Jewish people speak with passion and intensity—it’s not rudeness or hostility; it’s simply their way of engaging. Given that John and Jesus were cousins, their conversation likely had a familiarity that wouldn’t have existed with a stranger.
Who are they?
When dating, it’s crucial to understand how the other person communicates. I can be loud when I want to, but it’s not my natural way of speaking. My husband, on the other hand, projects his voice when he’s passionate about something. Sometimes, I tease him and say, “I’m right here,” but I know he’s not yelling or being disrespectful—it’s just how he expresses himself.
My husband is also a jokester, especially with his siblings. They love to poke fun at each other, but it’s always in good spirits. While I enjoy humor and playful banter, I sometimes have to “tap out.” In my family, jokes occasionally crossed the line and caused more harm than good. Early in our relationship, I didn’t know how to communicate this to him. But when he noticed I would go quiet after too many jokes, he would ask, “Did I say something wrong?” That gave me the opportunity to be honest. Now, we use code words to signal when one of us has had enough.
Respect, Don’t Just Tolerate
This isn’t the same as embracing someone from a different faith. As Christians, we know that the Bible doesn’t approve of being “unequally yoked” with someone who doesn’t share our faith. 2 Corinthians 6:14 says, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”
This is clear, as we know that if someone doesn’t have a heart for Jesus, they may lead us away from Him, too. We see this in the life of King Solomon. He began by loving God and building His temple, but as he grew older and married many wives, his heart strayed. 1 Kings 11:4 says, “For it was so, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned his heart after other gods; and his heart was not loyal to the Lord his God, as was the heart of his father David.”
Whole life Jesus culture
I would take it even further and say that just because someone claims to be a Christian, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re living a Christlike life every day. They may attend Bible study but still go out drinking on Friday night. They may volunteer to give gifts to the less fortunate at Christmas, yet turn around and engage in sexual activity outside of marriage, justifying it with phrases like, “God understands; we’re under grace now.” I’ve heard this excuse too many times from both men and women who say they love God, but when faced with sexual urges, they convince themselves that slipping up is okay.
On the other hand, someone can deeply love Jesus and come from a different country. They may have different family traditions, but their heart is focused on honoring the Lord. Can you respect that, even though it may look different from what you’re used to? Tolerating someone means you merely endure their differences, but deep down, you may have a problem with who they are. This shouldn’t be the case. You’ll never meet someone who checks all the boxes on your spouse list. Yet, God knows exactly what you need, and it may come in a different cultural package than you expected. Will you accept the gift He’s offering you in this person? It won’t always be easy, but there’s so much to gain.
Learn Key Cultural Do’s and Don’ts
While my husband wasn’t born in the U.S., he and his family have lived here for the past twenty years. They haven’t forgotten their roots, but they have adopted many American customs. However, since marrying into the family, I’ve learned a few important cultural traditions. One of the most significant involves greeting elders. Each time you greet an elder, there is a specific salutation and response you are expected to give.
I learned this when my husband and I were engaged, and he taught me the correct pronunciation. Let’s just say my future mother-in-law beamed when I used the formal Nigerian greeting with her. My father-in-law has since taught me a few more, which I’m still practicing. While my husband’s siblings are older than me, they prefer that I don’t use the formal greeting with them because they don’t want to feel old. Plus, like my husband, they have adopted many American customs.
Bridging the gap
I never had an issue using these formal greetings. I know I’m not Nigerian, and my husband made it clear that he didn’t expect me to be. However, to show honor and respect to his parents, I chose to learn the traditional greetings. Even during our wedding, I agreed to wear Nigerian attire for the reception. In the culture, when a daughter gets married, there are two ceremonies, whereas if a Nigerian man marries, there is only one. I never felt pressured to do this—I saw it as a way to honor the family I was becoming a part of. In fact, I found it fun and thought, Where else am I going to have the chance to wear something like this?
We were even given money, or “sprayed,” as is customary in my husband’s culture. If you’re open to learning, you may be surprised at how enriching the experience can be. No, you’re not transforming into someone else—you’re simply being receptive to a different way of life. While I may not have as many cultural traditions as my husband, he honors my family in his own way too.
Blend, Don’t Erase
You can honor both cultures without one dominating the other. Who I am is just as important as who my husband is. Both my husband and I bring a unique essence to our relationship, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s not a Nigerian house or an American one—it’s our home, and we choose to uphold the values that matter most to us.
Jesus first
Our main goal is to have a biblical marriage. More than anything, we want our bond to reflect Jesus, and that’s the beauty of marriage. You’re not abandoning your family; you’re joining together to create a new family unit. My husband and I can establish our own traditions if we choose. We don’t have to live up to the expectations of others or conform to what they think we should do. As long as our marriage honors the Lord, that’s all that matters.
Think of it like mixing different colors of paint. Each color is distinct and beautiful on its own, but when blended, they create something entirely new. Sometimes, the result is a breathtaking shade you never would have imagined. Let God blend you and this person if it is His will. You never know what the two of you can create together. Despite cultural differences, with God’s hand upon you both, your relationship—and eventually, your marriage—can shine as a light to the world.
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