This blog post equips you to deal with conflict in relationships – something that is guaranteed to happen. We give you both the tools and the language to approach difficult conversations while still maintaining the peace.
TL;DR: The Summary
What some people don’t realize is that working through those difficult moments can often bring you closer to the one you love. It’s important to know how your partner handles anger, loss, grief, disappointment, and more. You’re building a life with this person. While you won’t know everything before saying “I do,” you don’t want to enter marriage wearing rose-colored glasses.
Here are a few things you can do to navigate healthy conflict in your relationship—and in your future marriage.
- Pause Before You React
- Choose Peace Over Power
- Speak the Truth in Love
- Pray Before, During, and After
- Forgive and Release Fully
No extreme should be taken when navigating conflict. You shouldn’t sweep things under the rug, but you also shouldn’t nitpick to the point where everything your spouse does feels wrong and you constantly feel the need to correct them. Your spouse is not a child, so don’t speak to them like one. It’s disheartening to see couples speak to each other with disrespect. Remember, your spouse is made in the image of God—be mindful of how you speak to His son or daughter. God desires for the two of you to become one, and in that process of merging, you will occasionally bump heads. That doesn’t mean something is wrong; it simply means you’re learning how to be, as the Bible says, “on one accord.”
Intro
“We never argue. We love everything about each other.” I recently heard a story about a young couple who went to premarital counseling. When the topic of conflict came up, that was their response. Conflict in relationships is often viewed as a bad thing. Some even go as far as labeling it “toxic behavior” and throwing around terms like narcissism. Unless you’re a trained professional, it’s best not to use those terms to describe someone.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where everything is scrutinized, and even the slightest bit of constructive feedback can be flagged as harmful. When did it become a “sin” to speak the truth in love? You can be honest with your significant other—or even your spouse—without being condescending, rude, or degrading. The Bible says, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” and sometimes being a peacemaker means having a hard conversation.
Pause Before You React
In the heat of conflict, it’s easy to say something you’ll regret. Pausing—even for just 10 seconds—gives the Holy Spirit room to guide your next move. Take a breath, step back, and resist the urge to prove a point. Emotional reactions escalate tension, but thoughtful responses create peace. Pray silently if needed. Ask God for clarity, not just victory. That pause can mean the difference between breakthrough and breakdown. Self-control is a fruit of the Spirit for a reason.
If your only goal is to win the argument, you’ve already lost. It’s not about one person winning—it’s about both of you finding resolution together. If you “win” but your spouse feels unheard or defeated, you both lose. One thing I’ve learned in healthy conflict is to avoid speaking in absolutes. Phrases like “You always” or “You never” are rarely accurate and usually fueled by emotion.
What to say instead
Instead, try saying, “When you did XYZ, it made me feel this way.” This focuses on the issue instead of turning your spouse into the enemy. The enemy wants nothing more than to divide couples and make them fight over petty things. Don’t let him have your marriage. You and your spouse are on the same team—so act like it.
This isn’t the time to let pride get in the way. I’ve heard stories of men and women who fear being vulnerable because they think it makes them look weak. But you’re not weak for telling your spouse that something hurt you. In fact, honesty often deepens love and trust. If you stay silent, those unresolved feelings can build up and eventually explode. If your spouse truly loves you, they’ll want to hear your heart.
Choose Peace Over Power
You don’t need to win every argument—especially if it costs you connection. Healthy relationships aren’t about one person always being right. They’re about two people honoring each other, even in disagreement. Choosing peace means listening more than defending. It means checking your ego at the door and letting love lead. Yes, truth matters—but so does tone. Ask yourself: is this about healing or about being in control?
As I mentioned earlier, if your goal is still to win the argument, you’ve already lost. If all you care about is being right and getting the last word, then you’re not focused on working as a team with your spouse. Imagine a basketball player who holds the ball the entire game without ever passing to a teammate. Or a quarterback who refuses to pass and tries to run the ball down the field by himself. In both situations, the selfish player is more likely to get hurt because they’re not relying on the strength of their team.
If that seems strange in sports, how much more harmful is it in a relationship? Choosing peace doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you. It doesn’t mean staying silent or ignoring the issue. Choosing peace means making a conscious effort to work together toward resolution. You can even seek God about what to do—especially when the issue feels overwhelming or you’re unsure how to respond. He can give you wisdom. That might mean waiting 24 hours to revisit the conversation, or addressing it directly with grace and love.
The fight to dominate
Unfortunately, there are relationships where either the man or the woman tries to dominate the other. While it may not be as common, there are dominant women who try to control their husbands and run the relationship. If the man is passive or more laid-back, he may not know how to speak up in that dynamic. But relationships were never meant to be a power struggle. God created men and women with unique gifts designed to work together in harmony and bring Him glory.
You never see Jesus dominate the Church—His bride. Scripture tells us He gave Himself for her. That’s why the Bible commands husbands to love their wives and give themselves sacrificially. Wives, in turn, are called to submit—not because they are weak, but because they are meant to be covered, protected, and cherished.
While you shouldn’t completely lose yourself in a relationship, marriage does require dying to self. It becomes “we, us, and ours.” “Me, myself, and I” can no longer be the focus. So if you’re entering marriage just to get your way, it’s better to remain single. Because when God looks at you and your spouse, He doesn’t see two individuals—He sees one. Be at peace with one another as you learn to walk in alignment together.
Speak the Truth in Love
Honesty without grace becomes harsh, while silence breeds resentment. God doesn’t ask us to avoid the truth—He asks us to season it with love. When something hurts, say so—but don’t lash out. Keep your words clear, calm, and Christ-like. Your goal isn’t to attack; it’s to connect. When handled well, conflict can actually deepen trust and respect.
This isn’t easy when emotions are high. That’s why it’s important to take a breather before responding to your spouse. Once you’ve calmed down, focus on the issue—not on attacking your spouse personally. As mentioned earlier, these difficult conversations can bring you and your spouse closer together. There’s a deeper level of intimacy that forms when you’re honest with each other. You’re opening your hearts on a level that goes even deeper than physical intimacy. While sex is one form of bonding, emotional vulnerability is just as powerful.
Conflict resolution in the early stages
That’s also why it’s important not to get emotionally attached too quickly in the dating stage. When your heart becomes tied to someone who isn’t a good fit, it can cloud your judgment. Take your time getting to know someone, and gradually share parts of your story—your childhood, mistakes, and past experiences. By the time you’re engaged or married, honesty and communication will play a key role in your relationship. Life will happen, and you need to be able to talk to your spouse without fear of judgment or harsh repercussions.
Challenge and correction
You also need to be open to receiving correction. If your spouse speaks the truth in love, are you willing to humble yourself and admit when you’re wrong? Not everyone can handle this. Some avoid it because they don’t like being in the “hot seat.” But we all make mistakes, and one of the beautiful aspects of marriage is that God can use your spouse to help you grow and mature. That process isn’t always comfortable.
We often quote the verse, “iron sharpens iron,” but sharpening means friction. It means agitation and cutting away so something can become better. If you’re not willing to submit to that process, you may want to reconsider marriage. Ideally, you’re already going through this kind of refining as a believer, but marriage takes it to another level. Why? Because in marriage, you are fully exposed. You live with each other day in and day out. There’s no hiding who you really are. Even if you wore a mask during dating, it will come off after “I do.” Eventually, your true self will be seen.
When you’re speaking a hard truth to your spouse, think about how the Holy Spirit convicts you. He never makes you feel worthless—just lovingly corrects and guides. That’s my personal barometer in conversations with my husband. My goal isn’t to tear him down—especially when he may already feel guilty. My role is to help him course-correct, speak truth, and pray for him as the Lord continues to work on his heart. If you’re expecting to marry a perfect person, you’re in for disappointment.
Pray Before, During, and After
Prayer isn’t a last resort—it’s your first weapon. Before approaching a hard conversation, invite God in. Ask for wisdom, humility, and the right words. During the exchange, stay tuned in to His guidance. He may prompt you to pause, listen, or even apologize first. Afterward, pray for peace and restoration. Your prayers can break strongholds that words alone never could. Spiritual battles require spiritual weapons.
First to apologize
While it may be tempting to ask God to correct your spouse, be prepared for Him to correct you. Even if you believe you were in the right, the Lord may still ask you to apologize first. That doesn’t make you weak—it shows that you care more about your marriage thriving than about being right. If you’re in a heated argument and choose to pause and pray, start by asking God to search your own heart. Yes, you can pray for your spouse’s heart too—but not without first acknowledging your own faults.
You can even pray silently while your spouse is speaking. There have been times when my husband and I were in the middle of a tough conversation, and I silently prayed, “Lord, give me the right words to say in this moment.” I’m often surprised at how the words I speak afterward are exactly what my husband needed to hear.
On the other side, when my husband is sharing something difficult—or even offering correction—I silently ask the Lord to help me not take offense. If I get caught up in defending myself, I might miss the truth that God is trying to show me through my husband. Sometimes the very blessing we need comes through our spouse—but if we’re stuck in offense, we’ll miss it.
So pray. Cover your marriage with the blood of Jesus, and ask God to keep both your heart and your spouse’s heart open—especially in challenging moments.
Forgive and Release Fully
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time act. If something deeply hurt you, give yourself grace in the process. I highly recommend Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst. While the church teaches us to forgive, few explain how to do it practically—especially day by day. One of Lysa’s key points is that once you’ve made the decision to forgive, you have forgiven. That doesn’t mean you won’t still feel triggered from time to time, but the important thing is to remind yourself that forgiveness has already been given. Even if your emotions haven’t caught up, you can plead the blood of Jesus over the situation. As Lysa says in her book, “I choose to forgive, and whatever my feelings don’t allow for yet, Jesus’ blood will surely cover it.”
She also reminds readers that being triggered doesn’t mean you’ve failed at forgiveness. We have authority through God’s Word to cast down unruly thoughts. Don’t let your mind wander and replay the hurt over and over again. The Bible tells us not to keep a record of wrongs—so if you’re constantly reliving what your spouse did, it will be hard to move forward.
Get rid of the list of wrongs
Once you’ve chosen to forgive, don’t bring the offense back up to use against them. Some spouses weaponize past hurts to win a new argument. That’s not fair, and it’s not love. When God forgives us, He doesn’t throw our past in our faces or condemn us. If God doesn’t do that to you, you shouldn’t do it to your spouse—or anyone else.
Forgiveness takes practice. You may fall short, but that’s when you ask the Holy Spirit for help. When you’re tempted to hold a grudge or keep score, ask God to soften your heart toward your spouse. Pray for them sincerely. Ask God to protect them, guide them, and bless them. You can even be honest and say, “I’m still working through this, but I’ve made the decision to forgive.”
Forgive yourself
If the roles are reversed and you’re the one who caused the hurt, be patient as your spouse works through their healing. Admit your faults, ask for forgiveness, and do your best not to repeat the mistake.
Your spouse is human—and so are you. There will be moments when you unintentionally hurt one another. That doesn’t mean either of you is toxic. It simply means you’re both imperfect and in need of God’s help to grow. Even in those hard moments, God can use forgiveness to deepen your bond—if you choose to keep it between the two of you.
To be clear, this is not about excusing or tolerating habitual, abusive behavior. This is about extending grace to a flawed human being who is genuinely trying to love you and honor God. When they admit their faults, forgive them.
Being like-minded helps
It helps to be on the roughly the same page in any relationship so be mindful where it starts.
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