Christian dating boundaries are the thing we get asked about the most. How far is too far when it comes to physical and emotional boundaries?

One of my strongest memories of pure pleasure was from a festival in my teens. 

I was a theatre kid at drama camp. I know, so cool. My friend and I however were… not ‘one’ with the outdoors. We were like Melman from Madagascar, if you get the 2005 (yikes) reference. 

We powered through for the sake of the arts. But the less than desirable catering left us famished for something more. 

Lo and behold, in the shopping centre nearby there was a Greggs. We gleefully bought a caramel custard donut to satisfy our longing for something really good. 

I took a bite. Utter bliss. Sweet, sticky, kind of goopy. It was incredible. Total indulgence after our days of sleepless nights in nature. 

That’s the thing with fast food, isn’t it. It feeds into the instant gratification our bellies and minds crave. I have to say though, even writing about it now makes my stomach churn a bit. That donut discovery led to more than obsession. It now makes me feel a bit funny whenever I walk past a Greggs. It’s safe to say I over indulged because I wanted to replicate that first bite feeling from drama camp.

TL;DR: The Summary

This analogy is not dissimilar to ones I heard growing up in church or youth camps. It was all somehow linked to saving sex for marriage. “Don’t spoil what is good before it’s too late” and so on.

It was easy to get on board as a very naive teen. But as an adult entering the dating world I still wanted to know how far I could get before that sick feeling in my stomach returned.

If you’re wrestling with this, you aren’t alone. Many single Christians want to know how far is too far?

In this blog I’ll let you in on what’s helped and guided me. Hopefully God’s voice will speak to you and everything else – like the world when I ate that donut – will fall away. 

Let’s talk about some Christian Dating Boundaries! 

1. The will to wait 
2. Things that help
3. Unhelpful substitutes 
4. Make it easy 
5. What if it’s too late?

How Far is Too Far?

A list of Christian dating rules would be great wouldn’t it?! Especially when it comes to where our limit should be with physical intimacy. 

Side note. Hilariously there is one on WikiHow. It’s not all bad to be fair! 

But we know that as people, we aren’t so great at following rules. When a ‘do and don’ts’ list appears, all we want is to see how far we can push the don’t into a do. Ah human nature…

Saving sex for marriage is a clear boundary God has called Christians to. If you’re single, dating or even engaged you may have considered this and still have questions. What about the rest? 

Should we kiss? Is it okay to be alone together? What about late at night? What if we get a bit caught up in the moment? 

It’s really hard to find information out there that doesn’t hide from the specifics. When people do address the nitty gritty, it often opposes another opinion. It’s difficult to tell what the right answer really is. 

My Conclusion

My conclusion is this. It’s hard to justify that the desire to be intimate with someone who is not (yet) your spouse, is wholly motivated by love. 

Deep down, when we approach physical intimacy with a ‘how far can I go’ attitude, it is because we’re either:

1. Jealous of those who don’t have these boundaries getting to do what they want. 

or

2. Self-interested in pursuing pleasure and satisfaction.

Real love is sacrificial, not selfish. We know this because of what Jesus did on the cross. So sex and intimacy can wait in dating and engagement because love calls us to sacrifice. To deny ourselves for the other and our love for them. 

If the ‘other stuff’ makes honouring your choice to wait more difficult or replaces the closeness and pleasure sex would serve – yes I’d argue this is probably too far. 

Before we get wrapped up in specifics though, it’s worth thinking more about the why. Then we can get more practical!

Christian Dating Boundaries: The Will to Wait

Olympians put in a lifetime of work and sacrifice to excel in their sport. Their dedication and focus leads them to physical feats many of us can’t even comprehend. 

During the Japan games in 2021, rumours of the Olympic Village sex culture were circulating. Stories of young people in their physical prime finally at the end of their competition looking forward to more than just a medal. Their achievements led to a more primal… release. No wonder condoms have been handed out to athletes since 1988 (read more on the real why here!)

This could be a good analogy for Christians, right? Run your race, fix your eyes on Jesus and you’ll be rewarded with a super sex life.

Not quite. As Christians singles we need to remember that sex is not the ultimate prize. It is not something we are owed or receive as a ‘well done’ for being good. Nor does it fix a relationship or immediately make marriage a success.

Sex is a gift. One that is worth waiting for because God said so.

I think this ultimately is why a rulebook about dating boundaries does not exist. We have been called to walk by faith not by sight. To trust that what God says is the best thing, really is the best thing. 

God wants His will to become our will. The will to wait. 

Why? 

• As a sign of faith – I trust what God says to be true.
• As a testimony to the world – I believe it is worthwhile to follow God and not listen to the doubt in our culture
• To honour your (future) spouse – I am willing to love you even when sex isn’t involved. 

As a gift to yourself – My body matters and I am worthy of real love.

Christian Dating Boundaries: Things That Help

I’m sure for many single Christians the decision to wait is not always an easy one. Whether a potential spouse is on the horizon or not.  The choice to be obedient to God’s design for sex in marriage is not without temptations, frustrations or confusion.

So what helps? 

Setting boundaries

Actually set some boundaries. Doing this while you are single is wise too. Spend time praying and committing yourself to boundaries you feel God is calling you to.  

This will make your conversations in a relationship much easier to navigate. It also gives you somewhere to start from rather than a ‘what do you think is best?’ scenario. 

Talking about it 

We already have a tricky culture in Christianity when it comes to talking about sex. By that I mean – we rarely do it. 

Talking about intimacy with your girlfriend/boyfriend or fiance is important. Being honest and agreeing your boundaries is vital if you want to attempt to stick to them. Don’t shy away or leave it too late. The vulnerability it takes to have these conversations is a great way to build trust and good communication in your relationship too. Daria talks about how to communicate our boundaries effectively here.

Having accountability

I don’t know how you feel, but if I didn’t have a weekly Bible study group to show up to I would definitely read less of the Bible. Knowing I need to show up and chat about some scripture reading motivates me on the days I’d rather not spend time reading lots of passages. Accountability helps!

 
It’s the same with physical boundaries in our relationship. Invite a Christian you trust to check in with you – be it someone in church leadership, personal friend, family member or mentor. 

More than physical boundaries

God calls us to be chaste not just with our bodies but with our thoughts (see this Lust vs. Attraction Blog) and our emotions.

Learning self control in a Christian dating relationship is not just limited to sex and intimacy. Our thoughts and feelings need to be protected too. Practising and growing self control in all of these areas sets you up for life. Sex life included.

Cutting to the chase

Now you might be surprised to read an encouragement for Christians to just get married already. Our reputation seems to precede this thought. However I do think there are many couples out there who stretch out their wait. There might be a number of reasons for this. 

Ultimately the longer you have to wait, especially as you get closer as a couple, the harder it is to stick to your boundaries. 

Worry less about what other people may think or say. If you’ve found a godly person who you love and you know you’re going to marry them – there’s no harm cutting to the chase. 

Accepting the imperfection

We may stumble in some way. I pray you don’t. I pray God protects you and focuses your heart on following Him. But for many of us this might not (already) be a perfect walk.

Before you’re too harsh on yourself remember that we have a loving God who is quick to forgive and help us start fresh. More on this further on.

Christian Dating Boundaries: Unhelpful Substitutes

When we choose to set physical boundaries while dating we can often look for alternatives to fill the ‘void’. Here are some unhelpful behaviours and attitudes to be aware of. 

Playing with ‘the line’ 

Setting yourself boundaries and then spending your time messing around or getting close to ‘the line’, will lead to misery and guilt. Have some honest prayer times with God about how you feel and ask Him to guide you to following His path over your own impulses. 

Masturbation

Culture sees masturbation as a healthy way to deal with sexual urges. A ‘quick fix’, to satisfy our basic needs is surely a good way to keep us on the path to purity, right?

I talk about this more in these two blogs: Sex drive as a single and lust vs. attraction. 

To be brief masturbation points to instant gratification and personal gain, serving the individual over the relationship. This does not set us up well for sex in marriage or our current relationship status. Remember real love is sacrificial, not selfish. 

Always or never talking about sex/sexual desires. 

Like Godlilocks eating the three bears’ porridge – it’s good to strike a balance here. Too much sex chat will typically trigger more temptation. Never talking reduces trust and might cause feelings of shame. 

Others voice over God’s voice

We have to want to set these boundaries and choose chastity from a place of love and obedience to God. If we are choosing this to please, convince or are scared of others’ judgement – we will never stick to it. 

Other people also let us down. I remember finding out a couple I looked up to had sex during their engagement. This discovery left me feeling a bit disappointed. Even they didn’t wait…

God however never lets us down and His promises are true

God is not human, that he should lie, not a human being, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfil?
(Numbers 23:19)

Approach your boundaries out of awe and fear of the Lord, not of people.

Christian Dating Boundaries: Make it Easy

There are some things that just make situations of sexual temptation easier to avoid. Why make things more difficult for yourself? These tips will hopefully ease some of the burden you are feeling or thinking and lead to a more  joyful wait.

Always wondering

If you keep asking God  or yourself ‘how far is too far’ you might want to try reframing your thinking. A useful lens might be to ask:

Can I share this form of intimacy with the other person and not feel:

• Ashamed?
• Like I have to hide my behaviour?
• Scared of what God might think?

This is useful in helping us examine our hearts and choose behaviour that honour God, ourselves and our partner. 

Prioritise romance

Instead of thinking of all the things you can’t do, think about what you can do. Dating is such an exciting time to be lost in the joy of new love and heart swelling romance. Dream and plan ways that you can encourage more romance in your relationship. Write a love letter, sing them a song, watch the sunset together. Enjoy living out the cliches!

Curbing temptations

Sometimes we just make life too tempting for ourselves. Some simple steps to reduce temptation might include 

• Reinstating a curfew time 
• Not being alone for too long (in a car, at home, on a bed/couch)
• Having a ‘no blankets’ rule. 

Christian Dating Boundaries: What if it’s Too Late?

I hinted at this earlier as I know it is many people’s lived experience. We have maybe gone too far and wonder where we sit with God. 

Is there any point choosing boundaries now? Will this impact my future relationships? Is God mad at me?

The best news is that with Jesus, it is never too late. He has already paid the price for our sin and shame and invites us to follow Him even when we get it wrong. 

God loves you and whether your struggle is sexual purity or anything else, He has not given up but already has a great plan for you! I found this short blog from Joyce Meyer a great encouragement – I hope it blesses you too.

Let’s Conclude

When I was a young teenager I was at a very small gathering with some other Christian teens at someone’s house.

I can’t remember the full reason why we were there. I can’t remember much about the adult who was leading the gathering. How we got onto the topic of sex has entirely slipped my memory. But clear as day I remember this Christian man’s words of advice.

“The right person will wait. If they’re not willing to wait, they’re not the right person.”

I’ve found the challenge as I entered the Christian dating world to be less about finding the right person. But more about becoming the right person myself…

We each have an opportunity here. To align our will with God’s, take steps that help and not look for substitutes, discard the temptations to make life easier and say yes to the new start God offers us each day. 

In these, ‘how far is too far’ will be a distant question, finding freedom in the gentle guidance of our loving God. May you find fullness of life as you live out these dating boundaries in your relationship. It’ll be well worth the wait!

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