Christian Dating Advice #1: You’re not trying/praying hard enough

You’ve heard it all, “Try going on a Christian dating app (SALT?!), try moving churches, try joining a club.”

The scenario:

The wonderful friend who has seen every SALT profile in their vicinity, has been on 100 first dates and is willing to be set up with anyone their friends suggest, but no one is good enough for them.

The issue with this:

Choosing a spouse is the second biggest decision you make other than the decision we made to follow Christ. It’s a big deal. The key is for your friend to identify what standards they are holding every potential guy/girl to. If their standards are godly attributes which are upheld in scripture then these should not be lowered. It is better to be single than to lower their standards and marry someone who leads them away from a godly life. However, there may be truth in your dating advice if your friend is holding onto attributes which bear no biblical weight. If they swear they will only date someone over six foot, or someone who would also save up thousands to buy a first edition print of The Hobbit then your advice may be warranted.

What to say instead:

First pray for your own discernment to judge whether the standards they are setting are following the bible’s teachings. Mull over Ephesians 5:22-33 which describes the roles of husband and wife as laid out by God. These are the qualities we should look for in a spouse. There is a great deal to unpick here and many misconceptions about this passage which may need unravelling. Maybe suggest that it’s something you could contemplate together? Here are some good books which are helpful: Outdated by Jonathan Pokluda, Loveology by John Mark Comer and The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller.

If you’re on the receiving end:

Pray and reflect on whether you are setting the right standards for a future spouse? Rest assured that you should have high standards because this is a big deal. Here’s 20 Encouraging Bible Verses for help you throughout your dating journey.

Christian Dating Advice #2: You’re being too picky, lower your standards

The scenario:

The wonderful friend who has seen every SALT profile in their vicinity, has been on 100 first dates and is willing to be set up with anyone their friends suggest, but no one is good enough for them.

The problem with this:

Choosing a spouse is the second biggest decision any of us can make other than the decision we made to follow Christ. Finding a spouse is not a process to be taken lightly. The key is for your friend to identify what standards they are holding every potential guy/girl to. If their standards are godly attributes which are upheld in scripture then these should not be lowered. It is better to be single and living for Jesus than to lower their standards and marry someone who leads them away from a godly life.

However, there may be truth in your advice if your friend is holding onto attributes which bear no biblical weight. If they swear they will only date someone over six foot, or someone who would also save up thousands to buy a first edition print of The Hobbit then your advice may be warranted.

What to say instead:

First pray for your own discernment in this situation to judge whether the standards they are setting are following the bible’s teachings. Mull over Ephesians 5:22-33 which describes the roles of husband and wife as laid out by God, these are the qualities we should look for in a spouse. There is a great deal to unpick here and many misconceptions about this passage which may need unravelling. Maybe suggest that it’s something you could contemplate together? Here are some good books which are helpful: Outdated by Jonathan Pokluda, Loveology by John Mark Comer and The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller.

If you’re on the receiving end:

Pray and reflect on whether there is truth in this comment: are you setting the right standards for a future spouse? Rest assured that you should have high standards because this is a big deal.

Christian Dating Advice #3: God has got someone for you, just hold on

The scenario:

You’ve caught up with the friend who is despairing in their singleness. Or maybe the friend who has just suffered a devastating heartbreak. You feel a desperate urge to comfort them by reassuring them that they will get married one day, they just have to hold on.

The problem with this:

The problem with telling someone that God has got someone in store for them, who’s waiting just around the corner, is that he might not. That’s hard to read isn’t it? It’s even harder to accept. Some of us are called to a life of singleness and your friend might be one of them. So we cannot say that there is someone waiting for them. The hardest thing about saying this is that the person you’re talking to wants to hear it. We all do. It can feel like the kindest thing you can say, but sadly it really the opposite.

What to say instead:

When you feel the urge to speak the words your friend wants to hear, take a breath. Pause and remind you and them that God is in control, and he has a good plan for this person (it’s just that neither of you know the specifics). Share this verse with them “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8. Remind them that God has gone ahead and planned the way.

If you’re on the receiving end:

Pray that God would bring you peace in his perfect plan for you. Trust that your identity as a child of God is so much greater than any earthly role of boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband. You are free in Christ.

Christian Dating Advice #4: Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

The scenario:

You’re married and your single friend isn’t, obviously. When you see them you feel bad that you have something that they don’t, and worse still, they want it. You feel that it would comfort them if you downplay your marriage by “opening their eyes” to its hardships.

The problem with this:

There is some honesty in telling a single person that marriage isn’t perfect, but it will not lessen their desire to have it. Downplaying the gift of your marriage may rub them up the wrong way when you give the impression that you are not grateful for the blessing of a spouse. (Obviously confiding in a friend when you are having real marital issues does not come under this category).

What to say instead:

Avoid drawing any direct comparison between your lives. If this is unavoidable then try and steer the conversation into different areas of your life which you do share. Talk about work or what you’ve been listening to lately, or church. You have common ground with every Christian so build them up through that. Remember John 6:35 “Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty’.” God has fulfilled the deepest needs of both of your hearts, and your relationship status has nothing to do with it!

If you’re on the receiving end:

Remember that every human God has created is unique, which means that every marriage is unique. No two couples are the same. Whatever your friend is telling you about their marriage bears no weight on you, your singleness, or your possible future marriage. There is no need to worry about comparison.

Rather, why not focus on the benefits of singleness while you’re still in that season?

Christian Dating Advice #5: *Insert classic anecdote of someone you know who stopped looking for the one and immediately found the one*

The scenario:

Your friend can’t stop talking about their singleness. They are trying really hard and praying really hard for a spouse. You remember this crazy story about your brother’s friend’s sister’s husband and you think it might apply to them, so you share it as if it’s great Christian dating advice.

The issue with this:

Applying one person’s love story to someone else is prescriptive. God doesn’t use a cookie cutter to design our lives. Suggesting that he might, may lead people to have the wrong expectations.

What to say instead:

Of course it is okay to share anecdotes with good friends, but discern your moment wisely so it is not given as advice for how they should go about looking for a spouse. Instead take strength from Thessalonians 5:11. “Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in face you are doing.” Trust that you are serving your friend just by spending time with them. You do not need to have all the answers.

If you’re on the receiving end:

Trust that whenever a friend has compared you to someone else, God is not doing the same. Thank God that he has made you unique and he has a purpose for you.

Christian Dating Advice #6: You’re not getting any younger / You’re so young

The scenario:

You have no Christian dating advice to give but you are desperate to give advice. The easiest way out of this difficult conversation is to make a comment about their age.

The issue with this:

It may not feel like it when you say it but this is such a judgmental comment. You may only be saying it as banter, but it probably still comes across as insensitive. It invalidates your friend’s feelings by suggesting that they shouldn’t feel this way or they should act in that way. In reality, age has nothing to do with their relationship status. Some couples get together as teenagers, others don’t find “the one” until they’re past retirement. God is calling the shots over what blessings your friend is given, and when they are given. Time and love are two things which only God is in control of.

What to say instead:

Remind your friend (and yourself!) that God is the author of creation and the spinner of time. Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” There is such hope and peace in knowing that God is in control. You can delight in this life-giving truth together.

If you’re on the receiving end:

If someone has said this to you then I’m sorry. It is an ignorant comment. Your feelings are not invalid just because someone tries to invalidate them. Take your hurt to God and remind yourself of his perfect timing.

Let’s Conclude

Standing by a friend when they have anxiety or heartache about their singleness is a hard role to take on. Take heart that your friendship, your prayers and the gentle, listening presence you can offer is a blessing in itself. Proverbs 16:24 says “Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Trust that your kind words are so much more restorative than any Christian dating advice you can offer. You do not need to fix the situation, you only need to guide your friend to Jesus. That is certainly something you are equipped to do.