Attraction in Christian dating. Should we ignore it because looks fade and the heart is more important? Or does attraction keep love alive?

My favourite colour is purple. 

Not Cadbury bright purple but soft lilacs, light lavenders, touches of violet. 

I had a frosty lilac winter jacket for a while which was entirely impractical but totally fabulous. It had tufts of fabric on the outside which looked great but did not withstand the winter rain and wind. Still, I loved it. 

Such is the curse of loving purple things. Even if entirely useless, I’m always drawn to them. 

From list pads to loungewear, cushions to Le Creuset mugs (not sponsored), bedsheets to backpacks – I want them all!

My total attraction to all things purple has led to some close call purchases. I often have to step back and think ‘do I really want this, or do I want it because it’s purple?’

Ignoring my purple infatuation often feels like an impossible task…

TL;DR: The Summary

Attraction is a powerful force in our lives. It influences our purchases, career paths and our potential partners. 

But attraction can also mislead us, after all getting the things we crave or feel pulled toward isn’t always what’s best for us. 

As Christian singles, attraction is part of the dance of dating that we need to navigate. 

But can we trust attraction to lead us to the ‘one’ or should we keep attraction at arms length lest it lead us down the wrong relationship path?

Following our feelings, especially when it comes to attraction in dating might not always be the wisest step.

As Christians who are looking to date shouldn’t we be honing in on dating those who will lead us closer to God and not deeper into our own wants? And isn’t focusing on attraction just superficial and not ‘Christ-like’ anyway?

It brings us an intriguing question, should we ignore attraction in Christian dating?

• Attraction is like a cake.
• You might miss out. 
• Led down the wrong path.
• Playing its part.
• And they’re attractive!
• A word to the guys and girls.

Attraction is like cake

If ogres are like onions, attraction is like cake – everybody likes cake!

That’s because attraction is a good, God given part of our design and we see this in the positive effects it has on our brain. The release of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine all play crucial roles in helping us determine and enjoy the feeling of attraction to another person. 

But like lots of the good things God has given us, as humans with free will, we sometimes ruin this for ourselves.

Like a cake full of layers of sweet sticky goodness, the compelling call of attraction may drive us to consume the entirety of the cake. But if you did eat it all in one go, you might be sick…This is what happens when we fixate on physical attraction alone. When we speak about attraction, this is what comes to mind first and will be the main focus of what we talk about.

But there is much more attraction, remember the layers of this cake.

Emotional

Emotional attraction is when we feel connected to a person for their personality, communication style, intelligence, sense of humour and more. We feel pulled toward them because of the person that they are. 

Pareen Sehat MC, RCC for Well Beings Counselling summarises that:

In other words, an emotional connection transcends the superficial and taps into the very essence of who someone is at their core. It’s about being drawn to their authentic self – the person behind the pretty face or toned physique.

This is the foundation for all good relationships, romantic or otherwise. But plays a crucial role in long term relationships and should be on our radar in Christian dating.

Romantic

Our romantic attraction, although often experienced alongside other types of attraction, can stand alone in its own right. 

Romantic attraction connects our feelings and desires to someone else. 

It makes us feel romantic things – infatuation, warmth, devotion and affection. It’s where our ‘crush’ may blossom into deeper romantic feelings as a relationship is explored and developed. 

And it leads to a desire to do romantic things – go on dates, hold hands, write love notes, label the relationship, surprise the other with a gift and so on.

Sexual

And of course sexual attraction, often interwoven with physical attraction. This is the desire for sexual connection with another person, anything from kissing to sexual intercourse. It’s this attraction that makes us think, “wow, she/he’s hot!” 

Though it plays a large part in our partner search, the existence of other types of attraction show us that sexual attraction shouldn’t be the ultimate driving force when it comes to dating as a single Christian.

Can we ignore it?

When we consider attraction in this holistic way, not just letting the physical aspects rule, then of course attraction is important to consider in dating and shouldn’t be ignored!

Dating as single Christian men and women is an effort towards marriage, to ‘oneness’ with another and to achieve this we need to consider all aspects of attraction. 

But to help us all out, let’s take a closer look at physical attraction specifically…

Attraction: You Might Miss Out

So what’s the risk of focusing on (physical/sexual) attraction in Christian dating?

Well you might be missing out. Dating based on our instinct of attraction may lead us to consider who to date based on face value alone. 

We’ll scroll, swipe and match (ideally on SALT!) with only one question in mind – ‘do I fancy them?’ and often you’re basing this on very minimal, highly curated online dating info. 

This can lead to shallow dating experiences. And it might even rob you of good dating opportunities. 

Allowing attraction to be your main filter in dating means you’ll likely pass over the opportunity to give someone a chance who could be a good match for you, because they aren’t your usual type. 

When we allow our reason, other spheres of attraction and actually take our time when looking for a date, especially on a Christian dating app or website, we might find ourselves considering people we’d otherwise overlook. Read more about this here.

Attraction: Led Down the Wrong Path

I don’t know about you, but I’ve fancied people who were NOT a good match for me. We can be attracted to the wrong people…

When we listen to attraction, particularly physical attraction, we’ll often compromise for the worse. Attraction can cause red flag blindness – about faith (or lack of), lifestyle choices and other fundamentals for meeting a good Christian match.

Even though we know they aren’t right it doesn’t stop the attraction does it? We need to be aware of our own leniencies when it comes to listening to the voice of attraction when we think about dating and exercise self control. This is what distinguishes a Christian from someone ‘of the world’. 

So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober.

1 Thessalonians 5:6

Attraction can often fuel our actions. But as children of the light we don’t want to put ourselves in a place of temptation or disappointment on purpose!

Attraction: Playing its Part

All this being said, physical attraction has an important role to play when dating as a Christian and beyond. 

Attraction takes a relationship beyond the platonic. It’s like friendship but with a different fire under it. It’s what separates ‘our person’ (that special someone) from our people (friends and family). 

As Kirsten Andersen says:

The bottom line is, it’s okay to pursue people you find attractive.  God made us that way; we’re meant to be hot for the person we marry.  That’s how new life is created, after all. 

Early Stages

In dating, especially in early stages, don’t be afraid if your attraction to the other is largely physically motivated – after all it’s the easiest thing to see in someone new. All we’re after is for this to develop into more multifaceted attraction and deeper connection over time if your date turns into your partner.

Attraction also helps a relationship to last. Just as babies are cute to help us love them when they’re crying, attraction keeps us connected to our partner in the less ‘glamorous’ moments.

This is not just for the now but the longevity of a marriage. As this Truth + Fire blog notes: 

Life happens. You may have young children, a demanding job and your spouse is probably getting on your last nerves. Yet the Lord still says that married couples aren’t to deprive one another of sexual relations (1 Corinthians 7:3-4). When I think about this requirement, knowing that life truly can get in the way, I’m inclined to consider that if I’m to meet my husband’s sexual needs (and he mine) we’ll need to give each other something to work with. We each need to find the other appealing. 

Now we won’t all be thinking about marriage and babies on date three, but remembering the purpose of this ‘appeal’ is useful to keep in mind. Can you see this appeal even when the make up is off or the clothes aren’t so well ironed (do people still iron?). Is our physical attraction to our date more than surface level?

Attraction: The Icing on the Cake

Attraction in dating should ultimately be the ‘too good to be true’ icing on the cake.

“We get each other, I’m inspired by how they show care for others and they’re attractive,”  

Now you’re onto a winner! 

This is the main point, attraction cannot be, in a Christian dating relationship, the only factor. If we’re after real love we need to be humble and reasonable in looking for our future spouse as we date. 

We want to feel like this person is made for us by God! In knowing this, we’d expect that that means there will be elements of this person that don’t meet a tick box list of perfect traits and attributes but despite that, who they are and how they live makes the most sense to you. AND they’re attractive!

A Word to the Guys and Girls

Guys

There’s a tricky line to navigate for you here, I see it. Knowing the importance of attraction when searching for a godly wife is a good thing, but the balance of this teeters on the risk of falling into objectification. 

In his blog, Bryan Stoudt notices this too:

While we cannot – for any reason – approve of objectifying women, the culture around us makes that challenging.  (For men and women.) Movies, television, and the internet are giving us the message that good looks, image, and sexual attraction are everything.  Although most churches and Christian circles acknowledge that the message is wrong, sometimes, in practice, they don’t give much guidance.

Know that if you’re confused or struggling to figure out what’s best, you likely aren’t the only one. 

If attraction isn’t everything…

…some single Christian men might also be asking, should I date a girl I’m not attracted to then?

While it might seem virtuous to do so, the impact might not be as hoped.

As Bryan Stoudt advises: 

My short answer is, ‘No, you shouldn’t start a dating relationship with her.’ Physical attraction isn’t the most important quality in a potential spouse, but your attraction to her does matter. 

No woman wants to feel like a consolation prize, someone you ‘should be’ attracted to but aren’t.  If you pursue the relationship, she will get hurt, and you will feel guilty.  Your hearts will get entangled, and significant emotional pain is likely to occur.To avoid pain and confusion, being attracted to your date should be on your list of priorities. Listen to Samatha Lee.

Physical attraction will likely come more naturally and that’s okay! What a wise man will do, one who wants to find a godly woman and has marriage in mind, is to grow his capacity in the other areas of attraction…

How is your emotional maturity? Can you hold an in depth conversation with someone and really listen? Do you notice qualities in your friends and family that you like just because of who they are, not how they benefit you? 

Can you be romantic, and vulnerable enough to receive the romantic efforts of others?

Consider these things as you prepare to date.

Girls

I’m aware attraction can be quite a triggering word. When it comes to attraction in Christian dating, for women we can often obsess over whether we are attractive enough to be chosen by a Christian man and put less focus on our attraction to someone else. 

You might feel like other women in your church, or in Christian circles that you know have found dating success because they are more attractive than you. I want to crush those lies today. 

1. If this is true, you didn’t want to end up with that guy/those men anyway – trust me!
2. Your physical appearance does not determine the level or quality of love that you deserve. 

A real godly woman is attractive not in her effort to dedicate her life to the gym, make up or other cultural norm. Instead she is made beautiful through what’s going on in her heart – who you are on the inside matters. 

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewellery, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

1 Peter 3:3-4 (NLT)

This is not to say that we should be ‘very demure, very mindful’ at all times but embrace that the right man will see what is precious to God in us and our beauty, and waiting for this person is always worthwhile as we date.

Let’s Conclude

The way I see it – there’s no way to remove attraction in Christian dating, it’s part of who we are designed to be. 

Recognising the risks of following our attraction can open us up to unexpected and perhaps better dating experiences as we consider those we’d usually cross off our list. 

As Christians who are single and looking to date, we can embrace the positives of what attraction brings and be cautious of its distractions down the wrong path.

Knowing that attraction is part of a bigger picture in seeking a partner is our wisest mindset. This leads us to searching for the one we can’t live without and enjoying the icing of that sweet sweet attraction cake. 

Try Christian dating (attraction included) on SALT’s Free app today!