Relationship lessons for every month from a married man who met his wife on SALT Christian Dating App. Here’s his 12 tips for a good marriage.

There’s no question that the person I value the most in this world is my wife.  I never thought I’d feel that way when I was single, but now that I’ve found my person and have such incredible love for her, I want to do everything in my power to make our relationship thriving and vibrant.

So here are 12 relationship lessons for the 12 months of the year for you to enjoy and hopefully glean from.  These are from my incredible depth of knowledge and wisdom (lol) I’ve developed by simply making it through three and half years of marriage:

Ignore the stereotypes

We learn so much about what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman in a relationship that we end up developing values that may or may not work for your particular scenario.  We assume women are more emotional, for example, or that men should do all the DIY.  I’ll be the first to say that although sometimes it’s true (my wife is the “planner” and loves cooking so she’s the primary chef of the house, for example), it’s not always the case (I am by far the more emotional one and hate doing DIY!).  And for a relationship to work, you need to play to your strengths rather than just doing things the way you think you “should”.  Ignore the stereotypes, and don’t feel bad if you do things a little differently – your marriage will thank you in the long run.

Communicate your needs

People like to think that when you spend the time to get to know someone, they will just know what you need and fulfil it without even asking.  Needless to say, this is pure fantasy.  They may know who you are in a general sense, but they won’t always know what you need in any given moment, and simply assuming they will is naivety at best and crushing disappointment at worst.

Save yourself the headache.  Communicate what you need, how you’re feeling, and what you care about.  They’ll appreciate it, even if it’s difficult at first.

Don’t wait for instructions

On the flipside, if you are simply waiting for the other person to communicate what you need, you may miss out on being proactive and helpful.  They won’t always tell you “I need help with the laundry” – if you see the laundry needs doing and you have the time to do it, just get it done.  Don’t assume “it’s not your job”, don’t assume your partner will just do it later – pull your weight.

And this doesn’t just apply to chores – be intentional and ask them what they need from you, whether it’s emotional, physical, whatever.  Be the hero.  Care.

Taking initiative is also important in the early stages. If you’re on SALT, make the first move! Read this blog about Dating With Purpose and go for it! And if you haven’t tried our Christian dating app, you should download SALT now.

Give one another the benefit of the doubt

Disagreements are bound to arise in any relationship.  In the early stages of dating, these things can feel super trivial, but as time goes on, these differences inevitably stick out more.  You may find yourself questioning if your differences are reconcilable and if you can move forward regardless.

I can’t claim to be the expert here, but in my experience the first step is to give the other person some grace and put yourself in their shoes.  Even if you can’t empathize or visualize why they feel the way they do, you need to trust them and know that they aren’t just trying to hurt you or be selfish.  Give them the benefit of the doubt and approach the disagreement with respect.  Once you have both established this, it’s way easier to get to the bottom of the discussion and figure out where you can find mutual ground and move forward.

Pick your battles, but fight the ones you pick

This one might be one of my more controversial views, but stick with me here.  People look at fighting in a marriage and think it’s dysfunctional.  Disagreement is inevitable in any relationship, and both parties are going to want what they want, regardless of what action actually takes place.  “Good fighting”, I’ll call it, is knowing how to listen, but also how to communicate your side with conviction and honesty.  Sometimes you can’t really get to the bottom of the issue and figure out the best way forward if both parties don’t stand their ground and fight.  This doesn’t mean screaming and shouting (not on purpose, anyway!), but it does mean not backing down or cowering to pressure just because you want to make peace.  

But be aware that when you fight in a relationship, it does create tension and if not done well, it can lead to resentment.  So pick your battles.  Let the little things slide, but don’t let little annoyances build up into something bigger.  Choose to see the best in your partner and don’t assume they have it out for you (because they probably don’t!). It’s good to have strong opinions that you feel are justified, but realize that your partner probably does too.  Find mutual ground, compromise, but don’t give in until you are sure your partner truly understands your side.  Fight well and move forward stronger together.

Truly listen

Listening isn’t just being able to summarize what someone is saying.  It’s understanding, it’s contemplating, it’s making them feel validated, and it’s responding in love.  It’s truly caring about what they’re saying and being willing to change what you think.  But it’s also hearing them in the small things: when they ask you to do something, when they want something, etc.  It doesn’t mean always agreeing, but it does mean making the time to understand why the feel that way – whether there’s a disagreement or not.  Listening and understanding will get you 90% of the way there, even if nothing ends up changing.

Try

Generic advice, sure, but so important.  Don’t just cruise through your relationship.  Try.  Love looks like exuding effort for the sake of the other person.  Find out what they like, what they’re into, and seek to care about that and give them that.  Think “how can I make this relationship amazing for both of us?” and do what you need to do to make that a reality.  It’s easy to become complacent, especially the longer the relationship goes on.  Even after 50 years, try.  Try with the same effort you tried with on the first date.  That’s a big secret to a happy marriage.

Laugh together

There’s something chemical about laughter and joy in a relationship that helps lubricate the rough edges.  When you laugh together, it becomes easier to forgive your partner and remember why you fell in love in the first place.  It’s not something that makes sense logically, but when you laugh together, you connect, you bring the walls down, you ease the tension, you rekindle your love for one another.  Laughter brings out grace.  It gives out mercy.  Laughter improves your mental health.  It helps you love yourself, too.

Enjoy each other, and enjoy your relationship.

Kindle the spark

People think the “spark” in a relationship is just for that initial dating stage.  And although it changes as you get to know each other, the “spark” isn’t just the excitement of getting to know someone new.  It’s the overwhelming gratefulness for this amazing person in your life.  It’s seeing the best in them and maintaining that connection throughout the relationship.  

Kindling means being romantic.  It means being intimate.  It means being intentional in cultivating the love you have for one another.  Do not neglect these things, and for married couples, it means putting work and energy into your sex life, too.  Do not hold back in your affections – let your relationship be electric with love, connection, and fun.  Buzz Buzz.

Comfort one another

This is my favourite part of being in a relationship.  To someone in my corner, someone who I know will be there for me when the world chews me up and spits me out – there’s nothing that compares.  And I’m there for her, too.  We are each other’s safe places.  When she’s struggling, I’m right there to show her empathy and love, even if she did something wrong, and her me.  We got each other’s backs, and that gives me immense confidence to face the world. 

Submit to one another

This is a Biblical concept more than anything – “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21).  You don’t get to go rogue in a relationship – you are accountable to the other person, and you must submit yourself to them.  You must always think about the other person when making decisions – and not just consider them, but ask them for permission, especially big decisions.  You’re a team, and it only works if both team members are committed to the other person.  Submit to one another as you would Christ Jesus.  Just because you are a man doesn’t mean you don’t have to submit to your wife, and vice versa.  Don’t twist scripture and don’t undervalue your partner.

Volunteer for the hard stuff

Love looks like taking on the annoying, difficult, unfun things in life.  Don’t just do it if they don’t want to (because of course they don’t want to!) – be proactive and volunteer to do the crappy things.  Your partner will thank you for it, but don’t do it for the thanks – do it because you’d want it done for you – do unto others and all that.  That’s Jesus’ teaching and something we must always keep in mind, especially in relationships where the goal is to serve and put one another first.  Pick up the kids.  Do the chores.  Trim the hedge.  Spend time with your in-laws.  Everything.  Volunteer, and do it enthusiastically so that your partner doesn’t feel guilty and continues to admire and desire you. 

I’m sure there’s so much more that could be said here, but at the end of the day the point is love, and love is about putting the other person first.  This is the secret to a good relationship.