Having a type is normal – being physically attracted to similar traits. But are we being too superficial? Could we be missing out?

My friend was really into doctors. 

In a big city with plenty of hospitals and surgeries around, it’s not like there was a shortage. 

One day she got very sick at work and ended up in A&E. I rushed down to meet her there. It was a long day of watching an endless stream of strangers with ailments of varying kinds come and go from this little waiting room. 

To make the best out of a bad situation, we enjoyed keeping an eye on the doctors who walked past the doorway. 

While my friend was getting another test run, I spotted a rather handsome blonde doctor in a maroon shirt walking by. She’ll like him – I thought. 

On her return I teased her a little – just wait till you see this doctor. 

Eventually he reappeared, walking slowly down the corridor. My friend turned a deeper shade of maroon than his shirt.

“We’ve matched online”, she said, “but never met. And now I look like this!” 

She looked okay, but best to say 8 plus hours in A&E wasn’t the ‘meet cute’ she was after…

Turns out having doctors as your ‘type’ isn’t always the most convenient of choices…

TL;DR: The Summary

When it comes to dating, everybody has a ‘type’, right? 

Tall, dark and handsome. 

Petite, blonde and bubbly.

Perfect teeth, fancy job, owns a house. 

Whatever it may be, the reality is we all have a sense of the kind of person we would like to pursue dating. Unfortunately a lot of these qualities can often be surface level or superficial.

So as Christian singles on SALT who are looking to date, should we pick our dates based on our ‘type’? Or is it wrong to have a preference?

We’re going to look at whether dating our ‘type’ leads us down a road of pre-judgment or if we can still choose our ‘type’ while having an open heart when dating. 

Having a TYPE: is it WRONG?

Having a ‘type’ is wrong when it’s…

• Hard to ignore
• Limiting
• An unhealthy habit 
• Far from right 
• About non-negotiables

Having a type is wrong when…

…we judge people on their physical appearance alone. 

Having a ‘type’ often means a list of ideals we seek in a partner. We want them sporty or with nice hair, a good sense of style or a particular facial bone structure (some people get weirdly specific about these things.)

‘’Types’ in dating, including Christian dating, can be all about the outer packaging and not look any deeper. We know as Christians that this doesn’t sit right. We are called to see the value and dignity in all people and so it can be seen as wrong to date someone who is ‘your type’ when this is based purely on looks. 

There are some exceptions to this that we’ll look into soon. But let’s examine what else might be wrong in dating based on a ‘type’.

Prejudice

Though I hope this isn’t common today, we can’t pretend that we’re all perfect and so it’s good to keep in mind that dating our ‘type’ would be wrong if this includes any prejudices – particularly if this relates to someone’s race, disability or background. 

As Candace Perry writing for Single Matters observed;

I … recently watched a brother in Christ swipe through dating apps. When he came across a beautiful, modelesque black woman, he said, “Wow, she’s hot,” then immediately swiped left. When asked why, he answered, “Oh, I only date white women,” without even stopping to see if it was a match and then say hello. Why? Strictly because of her skin color. And this systemic, disconcerting racism is not only excused within the church, it’s even deemed as acceptable.

As Christians in the dating world we need to say no to prejudice and racism. Treating people as inferior or not good enough to date you because of these prejudices is clearly wrong.

On racism, Candace goes on to say;

A personal preference turns into racism when we say “no” and “never” to a skin color.

This isn’t the Christian dating advice you often hear, but take it to heart and perhaps spend some time in prayer inviting the Holy Spirit to reveal how you have approached choosing dates in the past and what you might need God’s help in changing as you move forward.

Unrealistic Standards

I’d also argue that it’s wrong to have a ‘type’ when you are holding people to a standard that you are not willing to match. 

For example, if you want someone who is a high earner, I think that’s only an acceptable request if you too are ambitious and high earning yourself. But even then it makes me feel a bit uneasy. 

These unrealistic standards could be around a variety of factors, not just money. But you get my point. 

Remember, we are not looking for someone who makes our lives easier, we’re looking for someone who makes us better. And that is to do with who they are, not how they look or how much they earn.

Having a type is… hard to ignore

This is a tricky truth. Having a ‘type’ is a natural occurrence and so dating against this can be very difficult to ignore.

That’s because attraction is important and can’t be excluded when dating even as single Christians. 

We talk about this more in our blog, ‘Should we ignore attraction in Christian dating’ and the bottom line really, is no. 

Attraction takes a relationship beyond the platonic. It’s like friendship but with a different fire under it. It’s what separates ‘our person’ (that special someone) from our people (friends and family). 

Who we find attractive forms our ‘type’ in dating. Calling this entirely wrong goes against how God has designed us to be. He gave us the ability to be attracted to people so that marriages form and the human race keeps going!

Background

It’s also good to recognise the difficulty in ignoring our ‘type’ in dating is to do with our background. Chances are our ‘type’ is to do with comfort. We often find ourselves drawn to people who feel familiar, are similar to those we have grown up around or have been told by the media to find attractive.

Having a ‘type’ is completely based on nurture, not nature, explains Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a professor of relational and sexual communication at California State University, Fullerton. Your romantic taste isn’t somehow embedded in your genetics, and it isn’t completely random, either. Rather, it’s based on a “combination of things that [you] have come across throughout your life that you’ve somehow become drawn to,” says Chung. Your preferences come from external factors that boil down to three main influences: your environment and culture, the media, and your peers.

Jordana Comiter, Women’s Health

These are normal and natural feelings that don’t have to be entirely pushed aside. As Christians, we can hold these things in balance. Yes we might be naturally led to date a single Christian man or woman who fits our usual ‘type’ because it’s a part of who we are and how we see the world. This doesn’t mean we have to limit ourselves to our ‘type’ all of the time.

Having a type is… limiting

Let’s be real, the Christian dating world can feel like fishing in a rather small pond at times. 

So while dating our ‘type’ isn’t always strictly wrong, it can be more limiting. Why then would we want to create an even smaller dating pool in what can often feel like a small dating pool already? I’m just being practical here!

Truthfully, if you are religiously sticking to dating your ‘type’, then you’re writing off whole scores of potential dates on what are often fickle ideals. 

I guarantee if you are strict on your ‘type’, in the end you’ll marry someone who didn’t match all of your ‘type’ criteria after all. So, save yourself time and open your mind now. 

Unexpected?

Do you ever meet your friends’ partners and think ‘why did they choose them?’. That’s because we often think we know the kind of person someone would match well with. But when it comes down to it, we only see other relationships from the outside. We can only have an instinct on the exterior stuff and that’s why we’re often proved wrong. 

If we apply these exterior limitations to our own dating, even when we know what’s going on in our own heads and hearts, we’re making dating difficult for no good reason. Making it harder to find the person who will be a good match for us just seems to me like self sabotage. Looking at it from a positive perspective, by not limiting ourselves to our ‘type’ alone we’re exposed to a whole host of benefits in meeting and dating a Christian single who is different to us or our usual preferences. They can help us grow and broaden our horizons. As Jakai Spikes writes:

Meeting people with different cultural, socioeconomic or geographical backgrounds than yours allows them to teach you as well. It’s good for both people. This can be attractive in some ways to have your potential significant other introduce you to things you have never seen before.

Having a type is… an unhealthy habit

It’s good to face the hard truth sometimes. Dating isn’t always easy, especially for Christians. We are also as people of faith, not exempt from bad dating history or experiencing toxic or unhealthy relationships. 

We all know or might be the girl who always dates the ‘bad guy’. Or perhaps the guy who goes after beauty over personality and feels surprised when it doesn’t work out long term. We tend to repeat our dating mistakes because our ‘type’ draws us to the same kind of person, even if they aren’t good for us. 

Choosing to break away from these dating habits can break you out of unhealthy relationship patterns. Matchmaker Julia McCurley advocates that:

It’s important to heal and break the cycle, and challenge your previous patterns by trying new approaches. Remember that the “comfort zone” is the enemy to growth. What’s comfortable and familiar isn’t necessarily what is good for you in the long term.

For some of us, breaking out of this will be easier than others. Julia reminds us that this can be linked to psychological trauma we’ve experienced in the past but could be playing now in our subconscious dating decisions…

… for example, people who grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent may find themselves seeking emotionally unavailable dating partners, without realizing it.

Healing from trauma

If these, or similar traumas might be impacting you in dating and beyond, know that seeking support is always a good option.

Knowing and loving Jesus as Christians also gives us access to the true healer. You might need some time as you prepare to date to allow God to work with you through your past or past decisions. Know that He is for you and your future, He seeks your freedom towards true joy and peace.

Out of my distress I called on the Lord; the Lord answered me and set me free.

Psalm 118:5 (ESV)

Having a type is… far from right

How many times have the things you wanted and asked God for, not come through for you? Or not come through the way you expected? 

We often think that we know what’s best for us but they end up being far from right. How then is having a ‘type’ in dating any different? We can’t fully trust that our view is the right one, or God’s best for us. 

Though it might go against what we think we need or want, if we truly want God’s best in our (dating) lives, we need to embrace His priorities over our own.

We know that God prioritises the heart. 

“…. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

1 Samuel 16:7

So in finding our godly man or woman to date, what should our priorities be? 

SoulMates by God offers these insights:

The correct priorities, from most important to least valued, should be:

• Spiritual maturity
• Purpose for life
• Character qualities
• Reputation
• Personality ‘type’
• Physical appearance

Obviously it would be great if each of these qualities scored a “10.” But that is unlikely. So it’s vital that spiritual maturity, purpose and character are highly considered and are not given a lower priority than physical appearance, personality, and reputation.

Having a type is… about non-negotiables

How can we have peace then as Christians who want to date other Christians singles? When does having a ‘’type’’ serve us and not bring us down into the pitfalls discussed.

Delphine and Lauren on SALT’s YouTube channel discuss how our ‘type’ isn’t about unrealistic lists but about prioritising non-negotiables. This means setting our own good, healthy boundaries in dating that save us wasting peoples time.

A lot of this relates to the priorities we just looked at but here are some extras to help you define your non-negotiables.

Faith

Someone’s personal relationship with God matters. Ensure who you date takes this as seriously as you do, that it’s not just a tick box part of their life.

Who They Are

Their personal attributes. Qualities like kindness, faithfulness, gentleness (Galatians 5:22-23) are what truly matter and should be a no brainer in discerning who you date.

How They Live Their Life

A person’s lifestyle will have an impact on you should dating turn into a longer term relationship. This could be how they steward their money (or carry debt), if they’re a smoker, spending their free time gaming or going to the gym as examples. These will all play a part in how your life might look with this person. Knowing what matters to you will be important as you date.

Let’s Conclude

We all have a ‘type’, Christians included. This isn’t always a bad thing.

Being aware of when choosing to date our ‘type’ might lead to unhealthy or wrong choices is important though. As Christian men and women looking to date, we don’t want to limit our dating pool through focusing on physical attributes alone, holding prejudices or leaning into our old habits. 

Instead we can embrace the benefits that breaking free from dating our ‘type’ can bring us, and apply an open heart in Christian dating as we prioritise looking at the heart of others first too. 

Break the mould and meet someone new. Try the SALT dating app for free.