“What if I don’t fancy them right away?” This is a concern for many Christian singles since the world puts so much emphasis on attraction, sparks, and chemistry. We assume if he doesn’t sweep us off our feet like Matthew McConaughey did Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner, then it’s not real love. Or if a man doesn’t stop in his tracks when he sees a woman walking down the street with the wind blowing in her hair and a bright smile, she must not be worth his time.

Here’s a story of a married couple who didn’t feel that initial spark:

Where Christians Go Wrong

While dating apps help Christian singles meet people from different parts of the world, too much emphasis is often placed on looks. If you don’t immediately fancy them, swipe left. For those who do proceed to a first date, a lot of pressure is placed on that single encounter. They expect butterflies and stars dancing in their eyes. If they don’t get confirmation that this is their spouse on the first date, they view it as a lost cause. Many Christian singles fear wasting time dating the “wrong person” if they don’t know right away whether someone is right for them. What they fail to realize is that God knows how to redeem time, even when we think something is lost for good.

There’s another group of Christian singles who fear that they’ll have to be with someone they don’t really like or aren’t attracted to. With so much talk about purpose and calling, many believe that God doesn’t really care about chemistry. Because of this teaching, they fear marrying someone they don’t even enjoy being with. They imagine a marriage that feels miserable day to day, but as long as God’s will is accomplished, they’re told it’s worth sacrificing fun and chemistry.

My Story

When my husband and I first started video chatting on Zoom, there wasn’t an immediate “spark” for me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t attracted to him, but I had made the decision to purposely slow down so I wouldn’t get emotionally attached too soon. I had made this mistake once before, and because I let my feelings lead, it clouded my judgment and kept me from truly getting to know the person. So when my husband and I started talking, I adopted the phrase: “One day at a time. One conversation at a time.” Even though I didn’t feel an immediate spark, my feelings for him grew in a healthy way over time. Now, almost five years later, my husband has become an essential part of my life.

Slow Down

As stated earlier, many Christian singles are afraid of wasting time with the wrong person if they don’t fancy them from the off. However, I challenge each and every one of them to simply slow down. Even if the person is not your spouse, that does not mean they aren’t an amazing individual who loves the Lord. Not everyone you meet is meant to be your spouse.

Once again, I believe we as believers need to remember that God cares about every detail of our lives. It’s easy to picture God as far away on His throne in Heaven, and we forget that His Spirit is with us every day. He knows what we like and what we don’t. He knows our personalities and who we will connect with best. If He knows this, why wouldn’t He consider it as it relates to you and your potential marriage? Yes, God wants obedience and holiness. He wants you in alignment with His purpose and will. But to think that God doesn’t care about your happiness at all is misguided.

What do single Christians think?

We took this conversation to the SALT Social community to see what they had to say. As you read through their insights, take inventory as you navigate your own dating life. Of course, there’s no set rule on what to do, but we can glean wisdom from each other.

What do you do when you don’t fancy them right away? What if the first date feels awkward because of nervousness—yours or theirs? Should you give the person another chance, or write them off since the feeling wasn’t immediate? Thanks to rom-coms, we think love should be instant. But what if it’s a slow burn? This doesn’t mean you should force or manufacture feelings for someone. That’s not fair. If you truly don’t see a future with them after taking time to get to know them, then kindly walk away and leave the person better than you found them.

I know what it’s like to conjure feelings for someone. I did it out of poor judgment when I had no real prospects, and because this guy was giving me attention, I decided to go along with it. This ended up hurting myself because I wasn’t honest with the other person. This shouldn’t be the case in Christian dating. We should be transparent in the process so we’re not leading anyone on or making them think we like them when we really don’t.

Don’t Fancy Them Straight Away?

“Sometimes people can be nervous/shy, always give them a 2nd chance/2nd date. But, if values/morals don’t align on the 1st date during conversation then a 2nd date is not required.”

Karl

“Physical attraction never matters long term, but can affect how feel at first. Take time learn what person’s personality is like. As long as there is enough in common to have at least a friendship, then it’s worth trying for second date. Sometimes it takes time to build up emotional connection for a relationship.”

Candy

“Sometimes you don’t immediately have the feelings but they grow over time. My general rule is to be honest about how things are going and communicate if it’s just not happening by date 3 end so you respect their time too.”

Leoni

“There should be some sort of chivalry or kindness or feeling that first time to keep you. First impressions do matter. Isaac’s servant looked for a lady of service on the first encounter. I have ended things based on asking the right questions or totally no chivalry.”

Kayla

“I think it depends on what makes a person attractive to you. For me it’s intelligence, kindness, compassion, and how they conduct themselves and treat others. It’s not how good looking they are, the outside appearance does not portray their personality and how they will treat me. Therefore, for me, it takes more than one meeting to work out if I ‘fancy’ someone.”

Theresa

“That’s a great question! Personally, I think attraction can sometimes grow with time, especially if there’s a genuine connection and good conversation. If I enjoyed their company and felt a spark of curiosity, I’d be open to a second date to see if feelings develop. But if it really feels like there’s no romantic potential at all, I’d probably be honest and suggest staying friends. I guess it depends on whether I feel any possibility for more, or if it’s just a nice friendship vibe.”

Lucas

“I heard a sermon yearssss ago by Greg Laurie & he said at whatever point when you are with someone, if it’s one date, one week or one year… & you know or God shows you that this is NOT your person, you need to end it… & here’s the kicker… he said, “… why would you want to continue dating someone else’s future spouse?!”

Greg

“To a degree I agree with Greg, but also after first date or video call, you probably still barely know the person or whether they are a good match with you, well besides glaring character flaws or opposite worldviews and values (not healthy to really share vulnerabilities too early) …. I agree more with the three date rule and ideal of friends first that we seek to get to know their heart more than happenstances and let them know that you are not going to drop them based on first impressions.”

Jason

Give it time

Based on these comments, I think the consensus is to give it at least 2–3 dates. That way, if you don’t fancy them initially, you’re giving the person another opportunity. I agree with this approach because, in a way, you’re extending grace to the other person. If they didn’t impress you during the initial date, by giving them another chance you’re letting them know they are worth spending time with and that you value them—even if things don’t move into a serious relationship. At the end of the day, that’s what we all want. We all want to feel seen by someone else.

If after the second or even third date you don’t see things moving forward, kindly communicate that with the other person so they are informed. This is not the time to convince yourself to be with them simply because you don’t want to be alone anymore. That’s not fair to them, and it’s not fair to you either. I’m reminded of the story of David when the prophet Samuel was sent to look for a new king. He looked at David’s older brothers and assumed that, because of how they looked, God would automatically choose one of them to lead Israel after King Saul. God, however, corrected Samuel and reminded him that while man looks at outward appearance, God looks at the heart.

Look at the heart

Can we honestly say, in today’s dating world as Christians, that we are truly looking at people’s hearts? Are we going beyond whether we fancy them and considering character? There is nothing wrong with attraction—it’s important—but how you look at 21 is not going to be the same at 81. Unfortunately, a lot of shallow dating principles in the world have crept into the Christian church. Most Christian singles don’t realize it, but if they took a step back, they would probably see that many of their preferences don’t really matter in the long term.

So if you don’t fancy them right away, give it another date or two. You might be surprised at how incredible they really are, even if you two end up going your separate ways. I’ll never forget the story of a young man and woman who went out on a date. With time, they discovered they weren’t going to work out. A few years later, the woman got married, and when she ran into the man she had once dated, she was surprised to see how genuinely happy he was for her. He even said, “I’m glad things didn’t work out between us, because you never would have met your husband, who is an amazing guy.” That takes a lot of maturity to say.

Be ok with rejection

A lot of Christian singles take rejection so personally that when someone moves on, we see it as our own failure—that they didn’t choose us. But dating and marriage are not about being chosen by someone. As Christians, it’s about entering into covenant with your spouse so that the light of Jesus can be seen in your marriage. Yes, there is fun and romance, but that is not the main purpose of your union. Your friends, your family, and the world should be able to look at your marriage and see clearly that God put you together.

So what about you? Is there someone who comes to mind that you need to give another chance? If so, try it out and see what happens. You will be no worse off than you are right now. It’s time we fully surrender our dating lives to the Lord, trusting Him with the outcome. God knows how to write the best love stories—so let Him write yours. There’s no need to fear, especially when you are following Him and want to please Him with your love life.

SALT Social

Want to share your input? Looking to join the next conversation? SALT Social is the place to be! It’s the go-to space for Christian singles to connect in a fun, yet Kingdom-centered way. Ask for relationship advice, share a worship song, or post a photo of your favorite vacation spot. You’re not alone in your single journey, even if it feels that way at times. There are plenty of amazing Christian single men and women ready to come alongside you, helping you build friendships and community. And who knows—you might even meet someone special along the way.

Be part of the next hot topic on Social by downloading the SALT app today so you don’t miss out.