If you find yourself feeling behind in life as a Christian because of being single, this blog post is for you.
TL;DR: The Summary
They say that “comparison is the thief of joy.” There may be some truth in that. Even as Christians, who have our hope and joy in Jesus, it doesn’t make us immune to comparison! In the Bible, it distinctly states that the enemy comes to “steal, kill and destroy,” but Jesus’ purpose “is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” (John 10:10 NLT)
It can be hard to see others moving ahead of you in life. This can evoke difficult emotions, feelings of being left behind or even forgotten by God. At times, it may leave you feeling isolated and alone, questioning, “Why can’t I have what they do?” or “Why haven’t I got to where I want to be in life and they have?” These are very real and valid questions and comparisons that might come to mind. If you find yourself wrestling with these thoughts, keep reading, and together, we’ll discover 5 ways to find encouragement when you feel yourself slipping into comparison.
- Readjusting social standards
- Running your own race
- Encouragement rather than comparison
- Waiting and trusting God’s timing
- Finding community
Societal pressures of a timeline
Societal standards have changed over time and are ever evolving, yet there seems to be an unwritten timeline that we feel pressure to adhere to: get married by a certain age, buy a house, then comes children, earn a job promotion. A checklist, if you will, to prove that we are ‘on track’ and progressing in life. But what happens if things haven’t gone to plan, or are simply not what you want in life or your idea of happiness?
This is where we can reframe or readjust the societal pressure that we may feel.
These unspoken societal rules, along with our own internal timelines, can often influence how we see ourselves and those around us. There’s a quiet narrative, either externally or internally, that says, “if we haven’t reached X milestone by a certain time or age, that we are behind, feel less than, or haven’t measured up.”
Re-adjusting our timelines
That’s when comparison creeps in and begins to take over. With thoughts such as “I’m not where I should be by this age”, “I should have achieved more by now.” And especially for Christian singles, “I should be married by now.” However, despite what we think society tells us, there’s no one right way to do life that’s set in stone! Just because your friends, others your age or even those younger than you have got married, it doesn’t make you late! Remember- their timeline doesn’t diminish your own!
When I’m married…
There’s this idea that marriage somehow completes you or makes you more successful. There’s also the assumption that everyone should want to get married and have children. Then, there’s judgement towards those who are single, divorced, or who don’t want to settle down and have kids. Whichever direction you take in life, society sometimes can hold it against you and always pushes you towards the next thing! A quote by Tim Keller sums up how even good things can become idols, “Idolatry is not doing bad things. Idolatry is taking good things and making them ultimate things.”
Marriage, children, a career or a home, these are all beautiful things to be cherished, not prizes to be won!
There are so many factors that determine these decisions, emotional readiness, financial stability, finding the right person, not just settling because you feel like you should! By rewriting the narrative and having more open conversations, we can begin to ease the burden of comparison. And as society continues to evolve, non-linear timelines and waiting on God’s timing may gradually become more accepted.
Defining your worth
Whatever phase of life you’re in, you are still worthy of a full, meaningful and abundant life! Because your worth isn’t defined by milestones or a timeline but by who you are!
The best news of all is that God doesn’t operate on society’s agenda!
Each of us has our own unique path in life, and this is where we “keep our eyes fixed on Jesus and run our race with endurance which God has set before us.”
Running our race
This passage in Hebrews 12:1-3 is a perfect example of the Lord instructing us to, quite literally, ‘stay in our own lane!’
In this race that’s called life, it can be so hard to see others sprinting past you, moving forward when your life feels at a standstill. It’s hard not to fall into the comparison trap.
As a single Christian, marriage can often feel like the ultimate goal or something you aspire to attain. We may feel inferior in this area of life but in others, we might be thriving! These could include obtaining a degree, building a business, excelling in your career, buying and renovating a home, or having cherished friendships and community. There are many different types of love, not just romantic!
Good Stewards
Life for others might not always be as it appears. On the surface, they could be putting on a brave face, whilst hiding what really happens in their personal life. For instance, they could be struggling with an illness, grieving behind closed doors. Watching the world pass them by, feeling forgotten, left behind and as if they’re fading into obscurity. Life is unpredictable and we never know what tomorrow will bring!
That’s why we should steward what we already have! God has given you your life and specific gifts for a reason and a purpose! I saw a great quote on Instagram that read, “A promise waited for prepares you for stewarding the promise.” The Lord has entrusted you with a journey that’s uniquely yours! We can trust that he has your best interests at heart.
Recently, in a talk by Mia Fieldes, she said, “God, give me what they have…” and God says, “No, I will give you what I have for you!”
Unique Position
Don’t wait around for your life to be perfect or for a special someone to come along before you start living your dreams! Put a list together of your goals. These could include: places and countries you would like to visit, new hobbies or activities you’d like to try, fitness or financial goals, new foods you’d like to discover. Don’t limit yourself due to your relationship status. Your life is meant to be lived in every season, not just waiting for your life to start once you’ve reached a certain point!
Life may not always happen in the way that you hoped for or expected but it could be even more than you imagined!
There are many different chapters that we walk through, and even though the seasons of our lives change, God remains unchanging.
Life is a journey of learning, growing and becoming. Continue to run your race at your own pace, keeping in step with Jesus. Remember to extend love, compassion and grace to yourself, as well as to others.
Encouragement rather than comparison
In this day and age when we have infinite access online 24/7 and social media is at the forefront of our lives. Comparison hits even harder! The perfected images, filters and beauty standards, not to mention people’s ‘highlight reels’ thrown into the mix. You might start viewing your life from a place of lack rather than abundance and gratitude.
Little lies from the enemy creep in. You feel as though you’re not enough, pretty enough, wealthy enough, the deceptions can be endless! Cue ‘You Say’ by the amazing Christian artist Lauren Daigle.
No matter what stage of life you’re in, there seems to be key themes that are interwoven with comparison. These are self doubt and insecurities that you may feel about yourself. Whether these are felt internally or have been projected upon you, the same topics arise time and time again. I’ve noticed this when having conversations, either in person or online; or listening to podcasts. My conclusion is, even A-list actors feel this way! It seems there’s no escaping these feelings when it comes to comparison.
The remedy for comparison
However, one way to combat these thoughts is through encouragement and celebration of others; especially your friends who you hold so near and dear. When you look at life through a lens of encouragement and praise, comparison can be alleviated ever so slightly. It can be softened a little around the edges, just enough to be able to celebrate and uplift them instead.
At first, this might feel foreign or go against your natural inclination of emotions but if you get in the habit of it, it can become more of a reflex rather than a reaction! For instance, if your friend gets engaged, comment on their Instagram post, send them a happy text message or a congratulations card. The more you flex your muscles of encouragement, the easier it is to feel happy for your friends, peers and family. I’m not saying the sting of comparison, heartache or disappointment will go away completely but somehow it helps you feel lighter!
Building hope
Another way to look at it is building hope for your life. If God has done it for them, then why can’t he do the same someday for you?
It may take slightly longer or be different from what we expect! That’s where we can “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”
(Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT)
Waiting and trusting God’s timing
Waiting and trusting the Lord can come with a variety of emotions: disappointment, sadness, fear, frustration, discouragement and sometimes, even anger. It’s ok to feel these feelings, have a good cry and express them to God. Nothing is too big for God to handle!
There are several ways that I’ve found helpful to process these emotions, such as journalling out my feelings, listening to worship music whilst sharing my innermost thoughts with God. Crying out loud when words are nowhere to be found. Confiding in close friends and family members and having them pray with me and offer words of encouragement. These don’t always take the hard emotions away but when we acknowledge how we are feeling, it lessens the power it holds over us.
Our expectations versus God’s best for us
We may expect our story to look a certain way or happen in a particular timeframe but God’s ways are higher than ours. What we see as a detour or a delay may just be the correct path or even protection from God. Don’t limit God’s plans or be restricted by our preferences. Sometimes, we may miss what’s already in front of us.
Be in the season God has for you!
My anthem for this year has been, “Be where your feet are” by Christy Nockels. It’s a gentle and grounding song that is a great reminder to live in the now because you could well be living in a season experiencing blessings that you once prayed for! It’s a prompt to embrace, cherish and be grateful for where you are; whilst still holding onto the hope for what’s to come!
When we learn to wait on God’s timing, we are exercising and building our patience within ourselves, for others and with God. In a world where there is instant gratification with a click of a button for likes, shopping, messages… the list goes on. Good things usually take time, energy, perseverance and dedication. Most of the time, in a season of waiting, God is cultivating aspects within us that help prepare us for what he has in store. God usually works for us before he can work through us!
If you find yourself especially in a season of singleness, God may be preparing, pruning and healing your heart before you are ready to meet someone. He may bring you opportunities to learn, grow and serve others. This is where we can lean towards finding community, to help us feel supported and valued with likeminded individuals and within the wider church too.
Finding community
Finding others in a similar life stage as you can help reinforce that you’re not alone. These opportunities can be found in person or online. SALT’s online and in app TABLE rooms are a great example of this! Christians joining together from across the globe share in discussions covering various topics. From singleness to marriage, friendship to finding love after divorce. It’s a great way to interact and connect with other Christians, whilst having heartfelt conversations and often a good laugh too.
Other online options include Christian singles groups on social media via Facebook or Instagram. Some of these may offer online Bible studies or in person meet ups or retreats through their platform too.
Try IRL
Locally, there might be an option to join a small group at your church. They usually include different groups for varying life stages eg. students and kids ministries, women’s and men’s groups, Christian singles, married couples, another for those who have kids and sometimes, a group for those struggling with infertility – praying that you’re able to find somewhere that you feel you belong and can contribute.
Other great options can be meet up groups that focus on a specific hobby, such as a running group or a book club. When we pour some of our energy into things that we enjoy or ways that we can further the kingdom, it helps us to focus our minds on the good in this world, rather than on what we lack.
Let’s Conclude
As we come to a close, if you find yourself in a season or a time in your life where you’re feeling behind; where your heart yearns for something that you don’t yet have. Know that God loves you more than you know- “may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.” (Ephesians 3:18-19 NLT)
Please know that you’re not alone in your season of waiting, even if you’re at your lowest point. Somewhere around the world, someone is experiencing similar circumstances to your own.
Most of all, can you take a moment to reflect on where you are right now, compared to where you used to be? (That’s right, this time we’re using comparison as a growth tool) You know what? Maybe you’re in a place that your younger self could only dream of! And yourself 5 or 10 years ago would be so proud of the person that you are today and who you continue to become! Even if it means taking one day at a time or holding on for one more day. Keep going, you’ve got this!
Leave a Reply