Standards. Standards. And more standards. Most Christian singles have heard over the years that they need to maintain their standards when choosing a spouse. However, a lot are concerned if their standards are realistic. Meaning how much is too much to ask of another person that you are in a relationship with?

This is where it can get confusing. Because when people talk about “standards,” sometimes what they really mean is “preferences.” The two words often get tossed around together, and if you’re not careful, you might start to think they mean the same thing. But they don’t. Understanding the difference is one of the best ways to protect your heart, keep your dating life healthy, and still trust God while you’re waiting.

Standards vs. Preferences

Think of standards as your non-negotiables. These are rooted in your values, your faith, and your walk with Christ. Standards are about character, integrity, and whether someone’s life is moving in the same direction as yours. A preference, on the other hand, is usually about personal likes and dislikes. For example, having a standard of wanting to marry someone who genuinely follows Christ and actively lives out their faith is very different from a preference for someone who can sing on the worship team or happens to love your favorite Christian podcast.

Both standards and preferences matter, but they serve different purposes. Standards keep you anchored in what God says matters most. Preferences shape the kind of relationship you want to build. Problems usually show up when we elevate our preferences to the same level as standards, or when we lower our standards because we’re afraid of missing out.

Many Christian singles wrestle with this tension, especially as the years go by. In your early twenties, you may have imagined an ideal picture of who your future spouse would be—what they’d look like, what kind of job they’d have, what kind of personality they’d carry. But as time passes, life experiences and spiritual growth often reshape those ideas. What you once thought was non-negotiable might reveal itself to be just a preference, and what you once overlooked might rise to the top as something deeply important.

Your Requirements for Relationship

So how do you know if your standards are too high, or if you’re being unrealistic? A good place to start is to ask yourself why you’ve made something a requirement. Is it because it reflects God’s truth and your values? Or is it more about convenience, comfort, or personal taste? For example, saying, “I want someone who loves the Lord, honors their commitments, and treats people with respect,” is very different from saying, “I can only date someone who is six feet tall, has a degree in business, and never watches reality TV.” The first list reflects character. The second list reflects preference.

There’s nothing wrong with having preferences. In fact, God created each of us with unique personalities, desires, and quirks. You may prefer someone who makes you laugh, who enjoys the same music you do, or who is adventurous enough to try new foods with you. Preferences make relationships colorful and exciting. But they should never outweigh standards that are rooted in God’s Word.

Mistakes in Christian Dating

One of the biggest traps Christian singles fall into is holding on so tightly to preferences that they overlook a potential match who actually meets their true standards. I’ve heard stories from men and women who admitted they almost dismissed someone simply because that person didn’t fit their mental “checklist,” only to later discover that the individual’s character, faith, and love far outweighed what they thought they needed. Sometimes God surprises us. Sometimes He brings us someone who doesn’t fit the picture we had in our head but fits perfectly into His plan for us.

At the same time, there’s also a danger in swinging the other way—lowering your standards because you’re tired of waiting, lonely, or afraid you’ll be single forever. This is especially common for those in their late thirties, forties, and fifties, when the pressure to “settle down” can feel heavier. Maybe friends are getting married, maybe your family members are asking questions, maybe you’re just tired of doing life alone. And in those moments, it can feel tempting to say yes to someone who doesn’t share your faith, or who consistently disrespects your boundaries, or who doesn’t show the fruits of the Spirit in their life. But lowering your standards never leads to long-term peace. It only leads to regret, confusion, and heartache.

The truth is, maintaining high standards doesn’t mean being picky about surface-level details. It means being clear about what actually matters. It means having the courage to say, “I want someone who is pursuing Christ, who is kind, who is honest, and who is willing to grow with me.” Be honest about what you need to feel safe, loved, and supported in a relationship, while also being humble enough to admit that the perfect person doesn’t exist.

What Actually Matters

I recall having some preferences that, over time, I had to reevaluate. Most women get caught up in the idea of a man being over six feet tall, making six figures, and having a six-pack. I believe many women equate height with protection, assuming that if a man is tall, he can keep her safe when they’re out and about. But how do you know that the five-foot-seven man doesn’t know martial arts or karate? Should he really be dismissed just because he’s not as tall?

Then there’s the “he needs to make at least six figures.” I’ll admit that finances are crucial in marriage. Many couples have divorced because financial strain was too much for them, and unfortunately, it drove them apart. You can’t control what happens in life, especially when it comes to job security. Within the first year of our marriage, both my husband and I lost our jobs, but thank God we stuck together instead of allowing that difficult time to pull us apart. God ended up blessing us both with better opportunities, more benefits, and room to grow. Finances should really be viewed through the lens of stewardship. Sure, he may make six figures, but does he spend recklessly on frivolous things with no plan to save for the future?

Finally, there’s the six-pack. Yes, fitness and health are important, but having a six-pack doesn’t automatically mean someone is healthy. You may work out every day, but is it wrong if he only goes to the gym three times a week? You may follow a strict gluten-free diet, but is it a sin if he indulges in less nutritious meals now and then? I’m not talking about reckless habits where he ignores high blood pressure, obesity, or diabetes. But it’s not your job to police what he eats simply because you’re vegan and he enjoys a juicy hamburger on occasion. Again, are these truly standards—or just your preferences and what you like?

The Perfect Balance

I don’t think anyone wants to marry a complete clone of themselves. You’re not going to meet someone who loves everything the way you do. You grew up differently, so your perspectives won’t always align. That can actually be a good thing, because your strengths can complement their weaknesses, and vice versa.

That’s the balance. High standards keep you aligned with God’s best. Realism reminds you that everyone comes with flaws, past experiences, and areas where they’re still growing. You’ll never find someone who checks every single box. But you can find someone whose character aligns with your deepest standards, even if they don’t match every preference you imagined.

What Are Christians Today Saying?

Once again, we took this conversation to the SALT Social community to see what they had to say. 

“For me to train mind on being less rejecting is remembering times irl where your first impressions of people were so different to how they actually were and just giving the person time to show who they are in the app. And the guards i have are personal, and I think they should be that way, but just double check and maybe pray, meditate, and ask friends and family about your guards to see if they are unreasonable.”

-Joseph

“I think it is ok to have high standards but to be realistic it helps to take the pressure off of a first date and meeting someone new. Not everything might click right away, but it is good to be on the same page for the things that are the most important to both people. Guards would be to give it time even when there is a connection to allow each other to get to know each other and to give time for red flags to pop up before rushing into any deeper commitments.”

-Rachael 

“I think I’m at the point in my walk where I’m willing to acknowledge that my ability to find anything suitable is dependent solely on God. Proverbs says that a godly woman is a gift from the Lord. So if there are little details i can’t seem to look past i try to let it go. but, there have been times where I’ve found “exactly what I’m looking for” and felt like i couldn’t pursue them because there were things with God I needed to sort out first.”

-Taylor 

“High standards are someone being serious about living out their faith and a decent person – truthful, kind, respectful, considerate, not pushy or controlling, mature etc. These are non-negotiable. From a theological standpoint, they need to be relatively on the same page (e.g believing miracles are for today) but minor differences are likely. An openness and willingness to listen is important. 1 Cor 13:4-6 (often read at weddings!) is a good benchmark – does a person fit into these values?”

-Rob

“I have found out in my lifetime that whenever a man or woman doesn’t lower his or standards in order to be accepted into a relationship that keeping the standards of Christ Jesus helps us to heal from any relationships that may have been painful.”

“Being realistic doesn’t necessarily mean compromise, but it does mean being self aware and holding yourself to the same standard you set on others. The easiest example of this is physical fitness. I’d say I’m… pretty average, so I can’t expect to be of interest to some 10/10 athletic model, unless I too work out and eventually reach that level of fitness. I also live quite far away from most people, so I’d be unrealistic to only consider people nearby.”

-Lachlan 

Being realistic also means being willing to do some self-reflection. Sometimes we expect qualities in someone else that we ourselves haven’t cultivated yet. For example, it’s not fair to expect patience, financial stability, or emotional maturity in someone if we’re not actively growing in those areas too. High standards should never be about demanding perfection in another person while ignoring the growth God wants to do in us. Instead, standards should push us toward mutual growth—where both people are committed to becoming more like Christ together.

Let’s Conclude

So how can you hold onto your high standards and still remain realistic? Start by separating your lists. Write down your true non-negotiables—the values and character traits rooted in Scripture that you will not compromise on. Then write down your preferences—the nice-to-have qualities that you enjoy but aren’t deal breakers. Once you see them side by side, it’s easier to recognize what matters most.

Then, take it to prayer. Ask God to show you if your preferences are overshadowing your standards. Pray that He gives you clarity and peace about what truly matters in a future spouse. Ask Him to prepare your own heart to receive someone who might not look like what you imagined, but who will love you in the ways that truly count.

Maintaining standards with SALT

At the end of the day, the goal isn’t to create a flawless checklist. The goal is to honor God in how you date, how you wait, and how you choose. When you stay rooted in Him, your standards will reflect His truth, and your preferences will fall into place naturally. And when you finally meet someone who values what you value, who loves Jesus as you do, and who is willing to walk alongside you in faith—you’ll realize that the wait, the prayers, and the trust were worth it.

Because it’s not about lowering your standards or clinging to an unrealistic picture. It’s about trusting God with the details and being open enough to recognize His best when it shows up.

SALT Social

Want to share your input? Looking to join the next conversation? SALT Social is the place to be! It’s the go-to space for Christian singles to connect in a fun, yet Kingdom-centered way. Ask for relationship advice, share a worship song, or post a photo of your favorite vacation spot. You’re not alone in your single journey, even if it feels that way at times. There are plenty of amazing Christian single men and women ready to come alongside you, helping you build friendships and community. And who knows—you might even meet someone special along the way.

Be part of the next hot topic on Social by downloading the SALT app today so you don’t miss out.