This post talks about some of the hurt and rejection singles feel in church because married couples and families are often put on a pedestal.
Have you ever found it hard to feel like you fit in at church?
Families want to hang out with families
Couples want to hang out with couples
Students want to hang out with students
And that leaves the rest of us who are not in these categories just floating about a bit aimlessly
You might have thought; “I don’t fit with the families unless I offer to babysit. The couples make me feel a bit queasy sometimes in how they’re attached at the hip. And I’m definitely not cool enough to squeeze into the student crowd that I’m way too old for now.”
Perhaps you feel like you’re the only one and it’s been the same in many churches you’ve been a part of…
TL;DR: The Summary
This is a familiar experience for many single Christians in church.
The church (big C) is full of single people and our local churches, it seems, often don’t really know what to do with us.
What’s more, our single status feels singled out. Marriage and married couples are placed on this idealistic pedestal and the rest of us are left feeling like we fall short.
Why is this the case?
In this blog we’ll challenge this ‘why’ and think about what single people want in their churches as we explore the question:
Why are Married Couples Valued Above Singles in the Church?
- What is it about marriage?
- The silent suffering of singles
- Inclusion matters
- Single and Serving
- Singleness is for everyone
- Practical wisdom
What Is It About Marriage?
What’s so difficult about this question is that it feels like we shouldn’t be having to ask it. As people who follow Jesus and aim to love and serve God, Christians know that we are all equal and should be treated as such.
Those who are not married and those who are married are of equal value in God’s sight. All people are made in the image of God. All Christians are saved only by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ shed on the cross for our sins. In no way does our marital status impact whether we are of value to God.
…
This is not controversial theologically, yet do we truly believe this in practice?
If single and married people were equally valued, surely we wouldn’t have much of a debate on our hands here. And yet so many single men and women have found themselves left out, put down or just plain forgotten in their churches.
This isn’t a question of if God loves married people more than single people. It’s a reality that marriage, in general, has been put centre stage in our church communities.
What marriage is
Don’t get me wrong here, marriage is a WONDERFUL thing. It is part of God’s beautiful design for humanity, to place everyone within family and remind us to love each other as God loves us.
Marriage is about selflessness and union, it offers purpose and partnership to the couple who choose to enter it.
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.
Genesis 2:22-24 (NLT)
The way God planned it, marriage is a gift to join a couple in love, trust and service to Him.
What marriage is not
But! (you knew there was a but coming)
… marriage is not God’s only gift.
Rachel Karman, Relevant
It’s not like God watched the wedding of Adam and Eve and went, “Yep, that’s it I’m done! The perfect gift for those good enough to receive it.” He had just made the whole of creation for a start, a huge gift that humans were entrusted to rule over. There was way more to come too, not least to mention His rescue plan for humanity to live in close relationship with Him.
And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God …
Ephesians 2:6-8
But for many single Christians, it appears (and is often the reality) that not only is marriage seen as a gift, but it is somehow being pushed as the ‘main goal.
… it seems to me that many church leaders push marriage as a sort of excellence to be achieved– a Christian trophy to be won. They see marriage as the ultimate prize.
Nicole Cottrell, Modern Reject
How has it gotten to this? Why is marriage front and centre in church so much so that singles feel it is being preached as Gospel more than anything else?
It’s easier
I think the answer is that it’s just easier. It’s easier to talk about marriage, to turn up to a church when you’re married, and to see the benefits of marriage both in a personal and communal way.
This is so ingrained in our modern Christian culture that it goes beyond our Sunday services…Here’s a fun experiment. Go to amazon and search for Christian marriage books and then search Christian Single books. It’s not pretty. (Then for real fun go through the Christian single list and try to find books written by a guy.) (More Than Don’t Have Sex)
Marriage in its teaching and facilitation in churches, Christian circles, and wider Christian culture has been given a brash bold voice. This has left singles silent and suffering.
The Silent Suffering of Singles
Men and women who find themselves without a spouse struggle to speak about their singleness and their place (or lack of) in church.
This is shown in the facts.
Of 3,000 single Christians polled in by Christian Connection 2012 survey (we could use an update on this!) showed:
- 43% agreed their churches don’t know what to do with them.
- More than 1 in 10 respondents specifically mentioned how they were left out of married people’s social life of dinner invitations.
- Many said they [churches] don’t address their needs and don’t understand them. They do not appreciate the unique challenges faced by singles socially, emotionally, spiritually and financially.
But if a third of adults in church are single why are their voices not being heard or are under represented?
What’s more, what do Christian singles want married people and the wider church to hear?
Now that’s what I want to talk about!
Inclusion Matters
One of the hardest parts of being single in the church today is lacking the feeling of belonging that everyone else in the building seems to have.
This is often because single people are feeling excluded.
Perhaps this is to do with their age, or that they’ve been segregated into a singles only Bible study group, far away from the loved up couples and happy families.
But the church needs to hear that single people want to be a part of things. Not out of pity but because they are humans with a desire for social connection and also have skills to contribute.
Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptised by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.
1 Corinthians 12:12-14 (NIV)
All types of people
Christian single men and women are calling out for inclusion, not just with other singles but with all types of people.
The reality of the church family must cross demographic boundaries. It is too easy for single people to only socialise with single people, and married people with married people. The gospel is for everyone, and our church communities must connect across natural friendship lines. It should be normal for singles and married to share meals and be in Bible study groups together. A range of life experiences in a group is beneficial for everyone.
Being included really does matter and single people would like to see this in their churches irrespective of relationship status. That the marital situations of a church’s congregation would be a bonus part of church life and not the deciding factor on how people should serve and socialise within church settings.
Single and Serving
But serving can also feel like a grey area for singles in a church.
A number of respondents commented about feeling as if they were “useful labour” to keep the church running for the sake of the families.
Single people were assumed to have more free time because they don’t have children to look after. They felt this was unfair as those living alone have no one to share the load of household tasks and financial provision.
A single person at church can quickly feel taken advantage of, or only seen as useful for one reason.
Now if you are single and part of a church, it’s good to still keep a positive attitude about playing your role in your church community. Remember you have a lot to give and gain in being involved.
But it’s okay to also choose to serve in the areas you’re equipped for and give you life, in the same way that many others choose to do. It’s okay to have healthy boundaries so when there is a need to be met, then you can offer to meet it out of a happy serving heart and not a burnout one!
Singleness Is For Everyone!
The single Christians in your church also want to remind us all that singleness is a reality at one point or another in everyone’s lives.
Think about it like this. If you were to get married around 25, be married for about 40 years, lose your spouse at 75 or so and live to be 90 years old, you’d still live almost half of your life single. That’s a significant amount of time! We as the Church need to recognize that although being married is a beautiful thing, so is being single—neither position trumps the other in matters of value or authority. We are blessed to have diversity of experiences among us.
Rachel Karman, Relevant
If singleness will be everyone’s experience for a portion of their life, how can we as individuals and church communities love honour and value people in their single state?!
More celebrations
It’s so easy to get swept away in the joys of new engagements, weddings and baby announcements. Single people like celebrating these things too. But being able to celebrate a whole range of big life events is a more supportive and inclusive stance for churches who want to include singles.
… we need to get good at celebrating other life events which affect people in different stages of life as well — graduations, job promotions, retirements, etc.
Elizabeth Riese Relevant
Less stigma
The hard parts of singleness are rarely addressed in church. Where singles already feel down, at times attitudes within a church can add fuel to fire as Hatty Calbus (Woman Alive ) reflects:
Being an unmarried, especially older, woman means stigma in wider society, but also, usually, downgrading at church. It means lack of companionship and intimacy. It means childlessness, while being seen as asexual and amaternal. Often it means poverty: it’s more expensive to live alone and women usually earn less than men.
If single women of a certain age feel invisible, what about single men, what about widow/widowers, what about single parents…?
Singles don’t want to feel ‘less than’ in a church, they’re looking for acceptance and empathy to their circumstances.
Practical Wisdom
It’s clear that for a Christian looking to date, or even those who aren’t spouse searching are looking for marked changes within the church so that everyone, single, married or other, are valued equally.
Here are some practical thoughts that could be applied:
Church leaders
For church leaders there’s a lot to consider. Single Friendly Church have a lot of useful resources online and a helpful Church Audit that your team can work through.
Non-singles in churches
Challenge yourself to sit next to or make intentional conversation with someone new on a Sunday.
Recall your single days and what helped (or hurt) your heart in that time. How can you respect and support the people who are different to you in your church community?
Christian Singles
You are not alone so let’s remember that!
And yes, time with all kinds of people in your church is good – including married people.
But truthfully I found it most helpful to have one or two people who were like me to talk openly about these things with. It’s okay to surround yourself with likeminded people who just get it. In fact, I recommend it. These are life giving relationships that will still be valuable even if your relationship status changes.
Let’s Conclude
We know that God brought us all into the world to begin life in singleness. For some this will change and marriage will be a gift in their life. Others will stay single through choice or through circumstance and still know God’s abundant gifts in their lives too.
For these single people, the church should be a safe space and refuge. A place that feels like home and brings joy, not dread and judgement.
All of us as members of Christ’s body in our local churches can be a part of, including others who are different to us, to be good listeners, great supporters and even better celebrators.
Then our churches will truly feel like a place where everyone belongs. Including the singles!
If you’re ready to join a singles community try the SALT Christian dating app.
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