I’m not sure if you’ve followed the news around Phillip Schofield lately. 

I’m not really one to get into things like that, but I was interested in the conversations and commentary around it. 

Particularly what struck me most was the response of some of his friends and colleagues who discussed Phillip’s interview with Amol Rajan live on This Morning.

You can tell the news is deeply upsetting and troubling for everyone.  TV personality Alison Hammond echoes these feelings in her words:

I’m just finding it really painful because obviously I loved Phillip Schofield,” she said.

“But as a [TV] family we’re all really struggling to process everything and I never know what to say. 

But I remember what my mum always said: ‘Use your Bible as your Sat Nav in life Al’, and in the Bible it says ‘he without sin, cast the first stone’.

I was taken aback, mainly by someone so openly talking about the Bible’s influence in their life on mainstream TV. But more so, how she drew out a very important observation of how our culture is so quick to judge, reject and cancel others for their past.

TL;DR: The Summary

Now this certainly isn’t the right space to unpack more of what actually went on in that story. 

But I can’t help but think about how we can all too quickly fall into the role of the Pharisees in the Bible verses Alison referenced (John 8:7). 

Perhaps not with stones or trolling words. But in other, close minded ways. 

I want to look at this through the lens of the Christian dating world where we all come with our baggage of the past. For some people, this means being divorced. Which for others is a dealbreaker.

Dating deal breakers help us to date with intentionality, to protect our hearts and know what we are and aren’t able to commit to. 

But in a spirit of love, I invite you today to consider your own opinion towards dating a divorcee. For some this may always be a dealbreaker – and that’s fine. But for others it doesn’t always have to be:

In this blog, we’ll consider some reasons why Divorce Isn’t a Dealbreaker:

• The warning signs.
• The fence around our hearts. 
• The divorcees.
• The holiness of marriage.

The Warning Signs

Have you ever listened to a friend talk to you about someone they’re dating, and as you learn more you can hear alarm bells ringing in your mind?

In a similar vein, my friend and I used to watch First Dates on TV and text each other red flag emojis whenever one of the prospective dates said something a little alarming. It felt like training to see the warning signs. 

For some, when they notice the ‘Relationship Status: Divorced’ on a dating profile or mentioned in first date conversation, the same alarm bells may ring. 

So let’s unpack some of the reasons why divorce may trigger this reaction:

Didn’t They Know

Being divorced may show that maybe a person didn’t go into their previous marriage with eyes wide open. It might suggest naivety, or rushed decision making. Or perhaps that they didn’t really think about what marriage is actually like.

Why Did it End?

This can then understandably bring on the question of what ended the marriage. Was someone unfaithful, or lying? Did they fight? Was it about money? 

Prospective partners may hear the ‘why’ and with its answer, feel a sense of unease and maybe distrust from the beginning that’s hard to recover from.

Have They Moved On?

Of course many people will have ex’s, but an ex husband or wife indicates a deep relationship that even if broken legally, may not mean they have emotionally moved on. 

Are they still in touch? Did they end on good terms? Are they still connected in some way through children, pets, property, family?

Isn’t It Wrong?

And then for Christians, the moral question around divorce will often arise. We’ll talk more about Jesus’ view on divorce at the end. 

Now, all of these questions have merit. But do they require a hard and fast ‘no’ to dating someone who is divorced? A look into our own hearts might reveal more about our personal stance on this.

The Fence Around Our Hearts

I hope it’s not too presumptuous to say that this dilemma will mainly apply to single Christian men and women who are getting older. It’s not unusual to hear people saying that their “only options are people who are divorced or have kids”, once they reach a certain age. This is not to say younger Christians are immune!

Yet many Christians, who do fit this criteria, may complain that they are single but then they have a blanket rule of not dating anyone who is divorced.

To shed light on why this might not be the best mindset for Christian dating, or to offer some alternative Christian dating advice, I want to share what I heard in a devotional recently. 

I’ve been loving the audio devotional from Vineyard Columbus called Be Still. I stumbled across it on Spotify by chance and have enjoyed the simple 10-15 minute podcast format of scripture, reflection and worship.

One episode centres around Ezekiel chapter 11.

I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.

Ezekiel 11:19

In the reflection, this host remembers that:

I once heard someone say that we like to think we can build picket fences around our hearts: to let some things IN, and to keep other things OUT. 

But, they said, we can’t do that.

We either keep our hearts soft to all, or they become hard to all – not like a picket fence, but like a concrete barrier. 

It’s a poignant image. A heart of stone can’t be part stone, part something else.

Is Your Fence Too High?

I feel that we may use dealbreakers as picket fences in Christian dating. When in actual fact they are closing us off to the opportunity of finding love all together because our hearts have become hard to all. 

I think this attitude can easily leak beyond the dating world too, where we start rejecting those who don’t fit the ideals we hold or are the easiest to get along with. 

This ultimately, is un-Christlike. To write people off and expect others to not have a past. 

The Christian dating world can and should be a witness to the ‘earthly world’ of what grace and acceptance looks like. There is a need for more grace in Christian dating than any other dating sphere. Because we know the radical love and grace of Jesus to us, despite our mistakes, and can extend that same love and grace to those we meet. 

That’s not to say that the questions from before don’t have their place or weight. Or that dating a divorcee should never be an issue for someone. 

But as ambassadors of Christ we can embrace our duty:

[God] who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 

2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Divorce in the Family

Here’s an aside for those who have experienced the divorce of your own parents.

I know this is a deeply painful reality for many that can be a lifelong journey to reconcile with. It informs a lot about a person’s understanding and expectations of a relationship. It rightly gives them caution for considering marriage at all, let alone committing to someone who has also gone through a divorce. 

My gentle and likely naive advice is this:

• Secure yourself in your deepest identity as a child of God.
• Make peace with your preference to date or not date a divorcee, through prayer. 
• Ask God to give you a heart of flesh.

Actually this is good advice for all of us!

The Divorcees

Sadly in the world of dating and online dating, divorcees get a bit of a bad rap. Their status or reputation precedes the actual person.

If this is you and your story, I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry if your hurt has not been healed. I regret the fact that you’ve felt judged, rejected or not good enough. I’m sorry if the church or other Christians have let you down. I’m also sorry that you have been in a marriage that had to end. 

I watched a Ted talk that helped me see the stigma many divorcees deal with. Maybe it will resonate with you, maybe not. In it, the speaker Christian Family (a twice-divorced, adult child of divorce, divorce lawyer) offers her perspective.

She calls for us to consider ‘divorcing the idea of the act of divorce from the individual who was divorced’. To see people as the person they are now, not as their past. She poses the question;

“Could it just be that my marriage ended and not that I’m a failure at marriage”

If you feel, or have been made to feel like a failure, I pray you know the comfort and redeeming love of God more than ever.

Christian concludes: 

“I know for a fact, that the decisions I’ve made in the past do not disqualify me from the marriage I desire in the future.”

Amen! You are never counted out because of your past. No matter if that is divorce or something else. Her statement reminds me of a verse also from 2 Corinthians.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

2 Corinthians 5:17

The Holiness of Marriage

I don’t want to ignore my earlier point, to consider Jesus’ point of view on divorce. 

It’s pretty clear from the Scriptures that divorce isn’t God’s plan from what we hear in Jesus’ teaching. 

We read in Matthew:

Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Matthew 19:3-9

No divorce ideal

There is a clear ‘no divorce’ ideal laid out by Jesus here. 

But did you notice how He refers back to Genesis?! Jesus uses the first marriage of mankind (Adam and Eve) to illustrate God’s purpose and design for marriage. 

Not to point out how divorce is so bad, but to re-enforce that marriage is so holy. 

God made marriage to be a faithful, committed, sacrificial covenant between a man and a woman to reflect to the world the faithful, committed and sacrificial covenant God has so lovingly made with us. 

Marriage has not been designed to be broken because God’s covenant with us will not be broken. Therefore when marriage does end it grieves God’s heart, it’s not the way He intended it to be. 

If you know someone or have experienced divorce yourself, you may be familiar with this feeling of grief.

Jesus also mentions that divorce was introduced ‘because your hearts were hard’ – the words we reflected on from Ezekiel ringing true again. 

So in this hard heartedness, in this grief – where do we find hope? How do we support and encourage those living with divorce as a fact in their life? 

I don’t think this calls for pity, or shaming. But for love. 

The truth is no matter you or your church’s views on divorce- we can be sure that God’s grace is deeper still. And we have been called to walk in and live out that grace too, no matter our story.

Let’s Conclude

Okay, how did you get on? That was deep! 

I hope you felt your heart of flesh being nudged there, or perhaps a previous heart of stone beginning to soften. 

As Christian singles we’re (hopefully) all in the pursuit of love that lasts. Where divorce isn’t even mentioned or thought about. 

But in the reality of our broken world, of broken people we can look to our redeemer Jesus and God’s vast love and grace for us. He can give us joy, hope and excitement as we adventure into the dating world. One where I pray less stones will be thrown and more people feel known.

Why don’t you meet Christian singles on SALT with that new perspective.