You’ve all heard them. Some of us live by them. Plan your wedding before your first date. Propose on your third date. Get married 6 months later. A year later your beautiful baby is born. Here’s to having a bit of fun observing Christian dating culture at its most extreme.

Cliches

There’s a wonderful young girl with her mum sitting in the seats in front of me on this train. 

She’s 4, I know because she’s declared it about twenty times. Very loudly!

She’s bouncing around in her chair constantly, pulling herself up to see out the window, counting the stations. 

Though the exact phrase hasn’t quite come out of her mouth so far, she’s essentially saying “ARE WE THERE YET?” on repeat to her poor mum.

Other exclamations also include:

”Our train is so SLOW!”

“I just cough sneezed” (this doesn’t add to my point, she’s just too cute)

“This station and then our station mum? NO? WHY NOT?”

Needless to say, she is bored out of her mind.

She is the epitome of a child on a long journey and she is fulfilling all the cliches. Textbook!

TL; DR: The Summary

A cliche is a cliche for a reason, right? 

So if this little girl sees no problem in leaning into hers, then there’s no harm in other cliches too like… in Chrisitan dating?

And Christian dating has MANY cliches.

What the little girl doesn’t notice is how her cliche behaviour is making her journey a bit miserable, tedious, frustrating even. Not to mention the testing of her mother’s saintly patience. 

Could this be a warning for living out the cliches of Christian dating too?

You might think of Christian dating and you’re hit with a wave of cringe. 

Or maybe there’s dating behaviour that you’re unaware of partaking in. 

Let’s look at every Christian dating cliche (or at least the big hits) and what they might warn us of. 

• The pursuit.
• Future-casting.
• Guarding your heart.
• Let go and let God.
• Wedding day ready.
• The perfect profile.

Christian Dating Cliche #1: The pursuit

I’m not sure when dating started to sound like a David Attenborough documentary of a predator stalking its prey…

Here are some cliche phrases to watch out for:

• I’m pursuing someone right now.
• I’m looking for a guy/girl who will pursue me. 
• God, show me who I should pursue. 

The premise of pursuing someone may sound wholesome on first encounter. We might perceive this in dating to meaning that person or you are being:

• Intentional 
• Exclusive / monogamous 
• Led by God

But when you think about it more, it’s just… a bit… weird. ‘The pursuit’ in Christian dating often in reality suggests that one person (person A let’s say) is pursuing and the other (that’s person B) is okay with being pursued (by person A) or they expect it, otherwise they deem that other person not good enough to date them.

I’m not saying that person A is always a man and person B is always a woman, though in general terms I’d say this feels more common.

This premise sits uncomfortably for me – that the pursuit is one) an okay way to go about dating someone and two) a good way to judge if you should date someone.

What does ‘pursue’ mean?

Let’s not forget that ‘to pursue’ from a definition point of view points us to (thanks Cambridge Dictionary):

• Chasing or following in order to catch something or someone.
• Trying very hard, often to gain a result. 
• To aim for something having regard for little else.

How romantic.

Pursuing someone doesn’t have to be a mission focus! Sure we want our potential partner to make an effort. But it has to go both ways. 

For sure we should pursue our goals in work and growing skills etc. But in dating?! Maybe we should just aim to give our best to the person we’re interested in. 

If you’re in a ‘pursuit’ headspace, in the role of person A or B, be mindful of how this might be turning your desire to date into a game or unhealthy goal. 

Instead, try and rephrase your thinking to being open to someone who you could date. 

Less chase, more making space!

Christian Dating Cliche #2: Future-casting

You know how weather forecasting sounds good, promising, even helpful. Then the weather never turns out the way the forecast said it would. ‘Future-casting’ plays a similar game. 

Future-casting cliches may include:

• We might get on now, but what about when… 
• I think they’re funny but the qualities I’m looking for in a wife are… 
• When can they meet my parents?

Over-thinkers, this one is mostly for you. Christian singles often struggle to live in the moment and catch their thoughts wandering off to the future. 

Many even write off a whole first date all together because they’ve already thought through all the reasons why the future definitely won’t work out for them, as if they know how the story ends! Take Bianca Olthoff for example.

Bianca decided to write [date] a LONG email telling him all the things she was looking for in a husband, and how she thought it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to go out with her anyway…. and he ended up responding saying “ No problem, it’s JUST coffee.”

They did get married after all, but that’s besides my point here. 

Oh single Christian women and men of the world, why are we like this? It’s a painful cliche to live within too.

The ultimate goal in dating

I get it, marriage is many people’s ultimate goal in dating. Yet through this, Christians who are single and looking to date  seem to over analyse every aspect of what is often a harmless first date. 

It’s a little unreasonable to scrutinise a potential person before a date has been mentioned to figure out if a future with them will work out. You don’t even know them yet!!!

Even if it’s a date with someone you’ve been friends with for years, a date can just be coffee, or a walk or whatever it is people do for first dates these days – rock climbing anyone? 

If it doesn’t go anywhere or even if it does and then it ends later down the line – that’s okay!

I pray we can all let go of our desire to control everything and find some peace (and fun) in the dating process so we can put this cliche to bed. 

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all.

Proverbs 3:5-7 (The Message)

Christian Dating Cliche #3: Guarding your heart

I’m eye rolling already, and I’ve not even explained what the cliche is yet. For those who don’t know this cliche often sounds like:

• We’re getting on well, but I’m guarding my heart. 
• Oh no I’m not dating right now, I’m guarding my heart. 
• Be careful, remember to guard your heart!

Disclaimer before you all shout at me. Boundaries are important, please remember that.

But! Let’s look at this (badly quoted) Scripture verse.

On first glance, I can see how people get here.

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)

Granted the ‘above all else’ does a good job at getting the alarm bells ringing. But what about reading the verse in a fuller context?

My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body. Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways. Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

Proverbs 4: 20-27

These are wise instructions, not for our love lives, but for our whole lives. It’s spiritual direction, wisdom to apply in following God and living life that is holy and pleasing to Him.

 As Discipledojo in their blog says – 

…‘guarding one’s heart’ isn’t about dating…it’s about holiness.

And that’s because our heart isn’t just about the emotional centre of ourselves. In Biblical (Hebrew) context, our heart is the centre of our whole selves. If you want to dive deeper into this – give this Bible Project video a quick watch . 

We should be guarding our hearts from evil, from lies. Let’s be observant and learn from our mistakes. We must guard our hearts because what’s within it impacts our actions toward God and others.

What we’ve turned it into

But guarding our hearts in dating is seen often as an excuse to cover up fear, insecurity and prevent vulnerability in relationships. 

It can become a protective excuse for the single Christian. However, rejection, false starts, mistakes even, are a part of life – dating included. You might not need to kiss a few frogs, but you do have to put yourself out there in the first place. Dating will always include risk, and yes that risk may include your heart too.

If your tendency to ‘guard your heart’ was more a question of capacity or if you’re in the right headspace to date then read our blog ‘Ready to Date: 5 Signs That Show You’re Relationship-Ready’ – it might have some wisdom for you.

Christian Dating Cliche #4: Let go and let God

I can see this phrase on weird tea-towels and macrame wall hangings:

“Let go, and let God”

Can we just be super clear, in case it already wasn’t, that this phrase is not a verse from the Bible… 

So how has it become so ingrained in Christian discourse, and turned into a dating cliche?

• I’m not sure what to do about (person), I’m just letting go and letting God. 
• I’ve been single for long enough now it’s time to let go and let God.
• Don’t worry about it, just let go and let God!

Bad decisions/advice all round. 

In Christian dating we see this played out as passivity when it comes to dating.

• It’ll come to you. 
• Tell yourself it doesn’t matter.
• It’ll happen when you least expect it 

‘Letting go and letting God’ is a Christian single whose heart isn’t really in the dating realm. In fact they might misunderstand what following God and trusting Him really looks like…

The Christian life is gruelling. When Paul reflects on it, he doesn’t think of sunsets and naps but soldiers and athletes and farmers (2 Tim. 2:3–6). He thinks of running tracks and boxing rings (1 Cor. 9:24–27)

To anyone who would really like to be dating or in a relationship with a godly man or woman please don’t let go and let God. Find a way to make it happen. Not desperately. But be active and be willing to give it a go.

A good friend I know pushed themselves by going on five dates with five dates, they’re now engaged to date number 3. Just saying…

Christian Dating Cliche #5: Wedding day ready

At last, a classic!

This is one of the most common cliches – that every Christian is ready to march down the aisle:

• All single Christian women have the dress and venue on hand, all they need is the man.
• Christian men are desperate to get married (‘cos sex).
• Make dating short and wedding planning fast. That’s on the heart of every single Christian. 

This just isn’t true. 

For me, aiming to keep dating shorter (in secular terms) wasn’t about a desperation to be a bride, or even the obvious contributing factor of no sex before marriage. I wanted a love, a relationship, with passion. If you want to marry them when you’re dating and engaged, why would you slow down starting your life together? Where’s the passion?!

Of course for those choosing chastity and not living together before marriage, there’s more factors that contribute to this ‘haste’ in a logistical sense than say their non-Christian friends.

Don’t rush

Plus there are cases of couples being a lot more impulsive than this, including non-Christians. You may know a strong couple, maybe from church, who’ve got decades of marriage under their belt but only knew each other for 3 months before they were wed, and that got you thinking that getting married quick is the key to success. 

But for many it’s not. If you meet young you might have other priorities like finishing your degree, becoming a lawyer or doctor or travelling for a bit. Maybe you want to do a bit more of life with your partner before marriage comes into play. Just because the cliche tells you to switch up your marital status ASAP, it doesn’t mean you have to nor typically want to.

Yes, our general ‘strangers to spouses’ conversion rate may be higher in the Christian community. I hope and pray that’s because we’re getting married for the right reasons, not the rushed ones.

Christian Dating Cliche #6: The Perfect Profile

Christian dating can insinuate the cliche that each of us are seeking the ‘all out Christian’. Their Christian online dating profile would be perfect if it said:

• My Bible is falling apart… but I’m not. 
• Do I work out? Nah, I just carry my cross daily.
• Looking for a Proverbs 31 girl. 

Of course sharing your faith is a big area you want to connect on in dating a fellow Chrsitan. This is something we can grow in and encourage each other with. 

But if all of life is supposed to be worship to God, this may change our perspective. We might be able to see God in our date, not just in their Bible study commitment and twenty prayer alarms. Perhaps we’ll see God in them through the normal moments too. In fact it’s often the everyday, normal moments that God’s ‘extraordinary’ comes through.

I love the many healing stories of Jesus in the Gospels. How He was on route elsewhere or in the middle of something (e.g. Luke 18:35-43) and then someone reached out to Him and He did what only He could do.

Maybe we should apply parts of this to dating, knowing that being a bit ‘normal’ will allow the space for faith moments to occur rather than forcing them to happen or rejecting someone who doesn’t present themself as a perfect Christian on their profile.

Let’s Conclude

Well there’s a whole lot of awkwardness we explored there, from the Christains who find their dates like a tiger stalking a gazelle, to the laid back people who’re letting go more than Elsa. 

In essence these cliches are harmless. But like the little girl on the train, perhaps leaning into them provides us with more problems than positivity. 

So use your wisdom, try not to plan your whole life with the person you’ve just met and maybe save the wedding scrap book for the third date at least… lest you fall victim to another Christian dating cliche.

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