I recently heard a story of a ‘date gone wrong’…

A young couple, back in the day, were planning a day trip together. This was when you had to use a printed timetable to figure out your bus route. 

The girl spent ages sorting the timings, painstakingly planning the route. The guy agreed to the plans – 6.10am at the bus stop, see you there. 

She arrives the next morning, a little early in all fairness. She waits and the boy is a no show. 

In her frustration she hops on the next bus to his house, battering on the front door a little after 6am. 

No one answers, everyone is still asleep. The girl isn’t pleased to say the least, being stood up so early in the day is not a good start.

He eventually emerges to a grumpy girl and despite the delay they decide to give the trip a go anyway. 

Years later despite this blip, they’re married. But she still hasn’t forgotten. The man says, “In my defence, if you asked anyone who knew me, there was no way I’d have made it out for then.” They laugh, but she still shakes her head a bit…

TL;DR: The Summary

That’s the problem with dating, it’s never all smooth sailing. 

Christian dating then is no exception. 

From mixed up plans, unexpected illnesses, catfishing, ghosting and more, dating on or offline is a big old bag of ups and downs. 

In a world where many think that Christian dating is just a conveyor belt of perfect matches and shotgun weddings, the reality is that the Christian dating scene isn’t always what Christian singles expect it to be.

Often in dating we like to look towards the good news and success stories, for hope if nothing else!

But sometimes it’s good to take an honest look and ask – What’s wrong with Christian dating?!

Let’s explore…

• What should Christian dating be like?
• The meddlers.
• The ‘great picking’.
• Singing from the same hymn sheet.
• Surface level searching.
• Why so serious? 
• Dating and God.
• The hardest thing about Christian dating.

What Christian dating should be like

This is what I think other people expect dating as a Christian man or woman to be like..

SINGLE MAN: I’m single. I saw you in church and I’m attracted to you.

SINGLE WOMAN: That’s good. I’m single and attracted to you too.

SINGLE HANDSOME MAN: Let’s date for a relatively short period of time.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: I like the sound of that, June wedding?

SINGLE MAN: Let’s do it.

WOMAN: We’re married now, that was easy!

If only right?! 

Now the above was a bit tongue and cheek but for many Christian singles the idea of meeting someone of the same faith should make dating a lot easier. 

It should be a God honouring and faith filled experience. There should be moments of spiritual connection and lots of prayer. We should feel assured of the relationship, like God has blessed every second of it. 

Yes, these things in the right mindset and context are all lovely elements of dating.

But we are all humans after all, living with the same issues and hang ups as everyone else even when we follow Jesus. 

When dating online, on apps or in person:

• We may experience disrespect or delusion. 
• We may know heartbreak and hurt. 
• We may feel confused or misled. 

And in elements of dating, our Christian culture has moulded things a little out of shape. As we take a look at some things that Christian dating may have wrong, have a think about your own experience and what dating advice God may be shining light on, guiding us to what Christian dating should be like after all.

The Meddlers

Christians are not meant to be gossips, this is a clear from the Old Testament to the New. 

“‘Do not go about spreading slander among your people. Do not do anything that endangers your neighbour’s life. I am the Lord.”

Leviticus 19:6

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.

Ephesians 4:29

I don’t know about you, but I have never been in a church where there wasn’t gossip around. Who is dating who is often a hot topic. A little good news story just adds to the hope and joy of a Sunday service, doesn’t it?!

The risk for singles here is that their church community may hinder rather than help the Christian dating experience. From being too involved in matchmaking, keeping tabs on couples, pressuring singles or making them feel excluded for their single reality. This talk whether done in ‘private’ or public can have a negative impact. 

I think meeting someone in your church is a lovely thing, it makes a lot of sense. But if you feel like you’re being watched, criticised or commented on as a single person or a new couple, things might feel unnecessarily pressured.

From public outings of new love blossoming, to sneaking conversations, or dissecting suspicious Instagram stories – one thing that can be wrong with Christian dating is everyone being in dating people’s business.

Now this isn’t to say you shouldn’t involve your church friends in your dating life at all. In fact Lauren makes a good and measured case for the opposite in SALT’s YouTube video.

However, each of us as members of the body of Christ need to lean out of our flesh like ways and try to recalibrate our gossiping desires (Proverbs 16:28) or at least keep some of it more internal for the sake of the congregation.

The ‘Great Picking’

There can be an unspoken rule in Chrisitan dating, a strange dynamic between men and women that could be considered wrong. 

Dating as a Christian woman may often feel like having to wait to be picked. And if you aren’t the fresh faced Christian girl who just hit twenty, then your ship has sailed. 

Hatty Calbus in Women Alive claims that,

“In the UK Church overall, women outnumber men by two to one and the ratio of single women to single men gets put as high as eight to one.”

The divide is disproportionate, with a male ‘shortage’ leading to desperate women sitting in the pews awaiting their turn to be picked. 

But this ‘great picking’ nonsense really grinds my gears. No good relationship just happens. 

There’s something wrong with Christian women looking for love being left to wait around feeling helpless and hopeless. This will not lead to good decision making should any single man cross their path in the near future. 

Or on the flip side, there  are women frustrated and angry at men who are falling short. More on that later. 

I remember the most annoying part of a dating experience ending as a Christian was the realisation that as we both moved on and met other people, chances are, he’d be married before me. 

It was a silly worry and a whisper of the enemy to keep me down. 

We can’t magic more men into our churches who will happen to fall in love with us. We can however as women try to shift our focus.

Let’s worry less about where our Boaz is and be more like Esther – not the beauty pageant bit but the woman who spoke up when it mattered, who gathered with others to pray, who held firm to her faith especially in the hard moments. There’s much more to dating than waiting to be asked on a date.

Singing From The Same Hymn Sheet

Now this one is more common than you think. When dating a Christian, many assume that on matters of faith they’ll agree. 

But just because they’re a Christian this doesn’t mean they’re your type of Chirstian.

People may identify as a Christian however this could mean many different things.

For some this difference might be on basic theology, or the traditions of their denomination. Check out our ‘Should I date outside my denomination’ blog for more thoughts and advice on discerning this.  

Unhelpfully, the values in the Bible are not always interpreted the same and unfortunately, maybe even wrongly, we can’t feel secure in all our Christian values being shared with our prospective date. For some the awkward, “So we aren’t going to be having sex?” comment can lead to devastating results. 

Turns out being a Christian can be a broad term and lead to some confusion on what dating another Christian person looks like. 

Now there’s nothing wrong with differences in Christians varying slightly in what they want in their dating life.

What can reduce the issues is being up front about where you are at. If you’re a Christian looking to date then being clear and explaining what your faith looks like to you in a practical and personal sense is always helpful.

Surface Level Searching

Have you heard the phrase style over substance? I think at times this is an area where things go wrong in Christian dating.

Time and again I hear long lists of ‘musts’ from single Christian men and women. 

What to look for in a Christian boyfriend or girlfriend:

• Must read the Bible twenty times a year.
• Must want to go on multiple missions trip.
• Must serve on a Sunday.
• And lead a small group.
• Of course they pray out loud.
• And give lots of money to the church.

I worry that some people are getting so caught up in the external expression of someone’s faith as proof that they are  ‘Christian’ enough for them to consider committing to. So much so they kind of forget to think about, you know, the person

Hear me out, these virtuous things are all good when our intention is to love God well.

Relationships though aren’t just about how someone acts like a Christian. Remember, you’re looking for the person who is going to eat about 40,000 meals with you, who has to deal with your family at Christmas, who you’ll holiday with and so on. 

As single Christians meeting and dating other Christians we can set an ideal and get so focused on the external ‘God stuff’. In turn, we forget about seeking a connection with a person and getting to know someone for who they really are, not just their Sunday best.

Why So Serious?

Of course there’s the risky business in Christian dating of jumping in too soon. With many focused on marriage, they often forget to stop and smell the roses. 

This can be off putting for some – meeting someone who is a bit too intense about the future even when that’s the kind of future they would like. 

Even as a Christian dating for marriage, this doesn’t have to mean a laser focus on marriage 24/7. 

Now this isn’t an excuse to play about with people’s feelings. It’s meant to be freeing so we can be our true selves as we get to know the godly man or woman we’re on a date with.

You know, you might actually be able to look back at some dating experiences, even relationships, and know you had a good time even if the romance didn’t work out. That sounds a bit better than the heart wrenching pain of losing (another) potential Christian husband or wife. 

The focus of marriage is about openness to where God might lead you, not tight fisted control over what God hasn’t brought you yet.

Find some balance in your mind with this truth as you date.

Dating and God

“I need to find someone who helps me in pursuing God, not someone who distracts me from Him.”

Real talk – this is frankly unrealistic. 

After all, the apostle Paul said, 

But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.

So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. 

1 Corinthians 7:7-8

Yes he’s talking about marriage and sex in this context, but it relates to dating in the same way. A love interest is going to be a distraction from God, even if you marry them.

When you meet someone new and are exploring the start of a romantic connection, at least for the majority who aren’t as pious as the rest, being God focused all the time is not a healthy expectation to hold.

You will be distracted – fact! 

This is not the fault of your date.

As Christian people dating, of course it’s good to be helped by the person you are with in growing your faith. Making this your only goal however may mean you lose out on the other joys God has in store for your dating life.

The Hardest Thing About Christian Dating

I’ve gone through some of the tough bits already and I’m sure there’s loads more. Christian dating is far from picture perfect. 

Perhaps for you the hardest thing is:

• Exclusion – be that your age, appearance, affluence or ‘level of faith’. 
• Pressure – The unspoken expectations in yourself or from others. 
• Confusion – A lack of clarity, feelings or direction might make progress difficult. 

The Way asked Christian what they thought the hardest thing about Christian dating was, – maybe you have some thoughts to add too.

I think it’s okay that there are hard parts. 

It’s also okay to call out what’s wrong.When dating anyone, including other Chritsians, we should be people who:

• Value others as God’s creation.
• Are honest and kind.
• Act with integrity and generosity.
• Respect other people’s boundaries.

Perhaps if we all hold these values tight, we can experience dating the way it should be instead of some of the wrongs that often occur.

Let’s Conclude

I’m not sure I’ve painted Christian dating in the best light but it’s good to take a step back and realise that all dating involves flawed humans who will, sadly, make flawed choices. 

Sometimes people will meddle, sometimes our date will fall short of expectations, sometimes our own ideals will get in the way.

If you’re Christian and single there is hope though, especially when we know Jesus. What we experience isn’t anything He can’t relate to. We can turn to Him and ask for His help to date differently, bringing light to the world like He asks us to.

And if you want a positive dating experience, try SALT today!