Is dating for marriage too intense? 😰

@Jude …by God. (You missed a bit in your journeys are planned and calculated sentence 😉)

@Kati Proverbs 16:9: A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. You still need to plan.

@Jude Indeed, Proverbs 19:21 goes on to say “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”. It is natural to want to plan. I think what’s important is that keep our hearts and minds on asking for God’s will to be done, for Him to be seen and to direct our minds to what will delight Him… and show who He is through the steps we take. So that in that way our very plans are informed by Him, and looking only for His purpose.

@Tameka why do you think you have a “ten-year date”? Who’s fault is that? How does that happen?

@Jude I’m not sure you understood what I said. The question was whether we put too much pressure on ourselves dating for marriage. I said no. I think you should have a plan. It sounds like the same point you’re trying to make to me. Why do people have a ten year date? Ask those people. They do exist. They obviously didn’t have a plan and 10 years later she’s pressuring him for a marriage he never said he wanted. Whose fault is it? Definitely not mine.

@Tameka I have a brother @Stan who thinks it’s okay to date and romance with the intent of knowing someone, build friendship along the way simultaneously, without necessarily going to marry her. What do you think about that approach? If it doesn’t work out well… he starts over again. Is that good or bad?

@Jude @Jude It’s relative. If that works for him, and those he’s dating great. I’m not to judge his preferences. What I am saying is for me, if I know that I want to settle down and he doesn’t, I appreciate knowing that in advance. I personally don’t want a man standing in the doorway blocking what I’m looking for when he knows he’s not looking for the same thing. Be honest and if she’s okay with dating you great. They’re grown. I’m giving my opinion on what I prefer.

@Jude This is why I say, you still don't get it! You don't go blocking people's time on fellowship & friendship for 8-9mnths - almost a year by the way (like you do), on "maybe we can be romantic, I am assessing your ability to be right for me", that's not right or fair! You need to know sooner. There's a reason why courtship exists, you get to know eachother in an exclusive setup and build together (friendship or otherwise), am I mad or in dream land 🤔

@Tameka sorry the guy left you after 10 years, that must have been heartbreaking

@Stan Blocking people’s times on fellowship and friendship??? That’s where you got it wrong because fellowship ad friendship DO NOT require exclusivity. If you’re dating and romancing a girl you owe her exclusivity, you shouldn’t be talking to others looking for romantic interests. You’re approach is “blocking the door” 🚪

@Tameka Do you think “Dating and romancing to know someone” is “Dating around” because the intent in this approach is to know and discover someone who you won’t necessarily marry, which is different from “Dating to marry” which can happen after fellowship and friendship which provides a stronger foundation?

@Jonathan I didn’t get left after ten years. It was an example of what can happen when two people want different things but aren’t clear going in.

@Kati All good and well, but any journey in life requires YOUR planning. Building a house, have a career or even going on a picnic. Once you’re projecting into the future - you need to plan. Who you allow into your life is your responsibility. God trusts that you will follow his will. He provides his Holy Spirit, his Word and community to you but doesn’t choose for you - The whole point of creating us FREE.

@Tameka was a pretty specific timeframe that you mentioned

@Jonathan Yeah, I was remembering several women that had been through this when I wrote it. The man was honest in the beginning but I guess they were thinking with their emotions and thought they could change his mind and give ultimatums after so long. Painful situation indeed, just not mine. Thank you for the kind words though.

@Jude thank you. Indeed no argument with God having made us with free will. I think what I was trying to say is lost, and that’s ok.

All I meant was that it is right and good when His Will becomes our choice and our will.

@Kati Agreed - Alignment Is desired.

@Jude submission to, as He is Lord. Not us.

@Kati 100% - and through friendship and fellowship, we responsibly assess the below before giving romance to someone we don’t even know: 1. ✅ Prayer and Holy Spirit (Proverbs 3. James 1) 2. ✅ Character & Faith compatibility (2 Cor 6. Col 3) 3. ✅ Shared life goals and purpose (Amos 3:3) 4. ✅ Wise counsel & community (Proverbs 11:14) 5. ✅ Love and Sacrifice (1 Cor 13) 6. ✅ Personal + Readiness (Eph 5:25)

@Jude You like your lists. My own choice in the matter is to trust the Lord with all of it, because I simply don’t have the same wisdom and knowledge that He does. God bless.

@Kati I like taking responsibility for my actions. I like thinking to myself that I’ve done everything that I could have done, as far as I was aware, at that particular point in time when I was taking an action. Trusting God is covered in #1 in “the list”

@Jude 👍😊 God is faithful. Responsibility is necessary as an adult with full capacity over actions, but He is gracious and also reserves the right to surprise us beyond our understanding:) Have a wonderful day/ weekend.

@Kati Have a great weekend 👍

@Jude Well said. I see this list as wisely counting the cost and using wisdom in the fellowship process. We need to evaluate the fruits of a person be it a friend or anyone we are considering adding to our inner circle. "Be wise as a serpent but gentle as a dove " Prayers + work by applying wisdom 🙏🏿

@Jude Hahahaha this your way of goading me into this thread, like I said, we'll shut it down if we start! But seeing as you asked 🙂 @Amos is perfectly right, both can happen simultaneously, ask the author of the thread, how long the "fellowship first" season should last? Then we go from there.!

@Stan that’s additional on additional proof 🙃

@Amos People get frustrated as to why they’re not getting commitment when the other party, like you’re suggesting, is still “making friends as you go along” to actually get to know the person first. My advice: Don’t romance, commit and then “make friends as you to along” and then backtrack and stall.

@Amos A person should first check the fruits to make sure they are fellowshipping with a sincere believer before they even consider if a person may be spouse material. This takes time, watching and praying to get to know someone. You can't do both because 1. The person is a stranger so how are you to determine anything unless you are going by flesh. Secondly, that mindset prevents developing a sincere friendship since it's being tainted with romantic and often lustful desires.

@amos Our mindset should be pure towards fellowship & we should value God-given family. Oftentimes, people are upset if dating doesn't become more b/c the heart posture is off. Being pure hearted, doing God's work &creating healthy bonds in community, God willing, you will discover your person. Either way, God wants us to be satisfy in Him. following that dating model that's as modeled in the world leads to broken homes. Divorce is just as high among those claiming to be Christians🙏🏾

@Janine I like your point regarding conflicting interest. Clouded judgement. 👍

@Jude Yes, a sound mind (the mind of Christ) is a must for righteous decision making.

@Ben My advice: friendship and fellowship. Great place to start.

@Kati your comment is good! Made me think of some things.

@Stan Date to marry? Really? I thought you’re a “Date to know” guy 🙃 A serial dater? A stacker? 🥞

@Jude 😂 get out yo feelings! You still don't get it! Anyhoo, if we started on this thread, it will go wild like the other one, and we both know neither of us gives up.!

@Stan I don’t give up when I’m right 😃 but I appreciated the exchange. People can read the other thread. I hope you can read the posts on this thread and see how many people insist on friendship and fellowship first INSTEAD of date and romance first with someone they don’t even know.

@Jude You aren't right, it's just your turn to experience what a large amount of people have already experienced, and know to be wildly wrong 🙃 And I hope you can see that the second highest like for comments above is one that points out the flaw in your way.

@Stan 2nd highest likes? I didn’t check the likes. I’m onto that right away 😛

@Stan I’ve bumped up the likes on the #1 highest and have added the advice - ‘friendship and fellowship’ 😃

@Stan 🙌

@Jude 😂😂 You need to close your account! Doesn't matter what you do, you are still wrong, wrong, wrong & wrong!!

@Kati 🙂👍🏾

@Stan You know the REAL reason why that happened, and that’s because they DATED and ROMANCED and we’re EXCLUSIVE and put all eggs 🪺 in one basket. DID NOT prioritise fellowship and friendship with multiple people to assess who to date and romance. My advice: Don’t miss that important step - friendship and fellowship. No romance. No romantic attachment. No exclusivity. Just friends. Discover. Assess. Decide if you want to date.

You want the stats below on your side… “While figures can vary, research generally indicates a 20-70% reduction in the likelihood of divorce when friendship serves as a foundation of the relationship”

@Jude I don't understand this, what are you replying to?

@Jude Again, stats are always askew in one direction or the other, never the full picture!

@Stan show me your stats that says that dating and romancing tinder/bumble style is good. All the research combined indicates 20 to 70% reduction in likelihood of divorce. It’s not askew. It’s a range. You’re putting at least 20% chances on your side if you prioritise friendship and fellowship first.

@Jude I don't have any stats, and I'm not going looking for stats, when I have real world experience to know what I'm talking about.

@Stan Exactly what I thought. Gambling 🎲

Title: What Online Dating Statistics Can Teach Us About the Future of Divorce “Data shows that if you meet your spouse online, you are more likely to get divorced within a few years. A U.K.-based study found that divorce rates for spouses who meet online are a whopping six times higher compared to those who meet through family or friends…

…These online marriages are 12% more likely to fail within three years – and 17% more likely to fail within 10 years.” According to this study, the “safest” way to meet someone is through friends or family. Those who meet through work also experience a higher chance of staying together past the 10-year mark.”

@Jude Stats are always askew in one direction or the other to favour any subject, but if you persist on using this arguement - What age range was that calculated for? What demographic does it apply to? What is the experience of both parties who met online? Why did they split? What were the conditions that brought them together? Stats are ALWAYS askew to gain advantage.!

@Stan You’re talking about individuals, mate. We’re saying in GENERAL, and ON AVERAGE that’s what the data show. I’m not here to debate specifics with you. We’re talking about individuals personalised specific experiences. We’re talking about the MACROS, not the MICROS. I don’t think you understand how stats work.

You sound like these people who claim “This won’t happen to me because this specific item, that specific this, this specific that…” when overall as a whole, in general and on average, you fall in the stats. That’s why the combined stats says between 20-70% - hence the range.

@Jude Most "general and on average" stats are collated after studying individual trends and a bunch of other stuff. So Mr Stat man, gimme a breakdown of how they arrived at the 20% - 70% margin by answering my previous questions. Not so easy, is it? Don't be so quick to pull out Stats, when you don't have the full picture of how it came about.

@Stan I’m not here to educate you on how to interpret data. I’ve studied stats, I’ve a degree in engineering at one of the best unis in Australia. We’re not looking at the stat on an individual basis. We’re looking at the stats in the macros. As a whole, in general and on average, based on the range, the stats stands. If you want to conduct a study based on your specific personalised variables then please go ahead.

More importantly, you haven’t present ONE stat or study to support your claims - I.e. dating and romance without friendship as a start is better and improves the chances of successful marriages.

You can't interpret that data because you didn't come up with it, you just regurgitated it and ran with it as evidence to support your stance. You are running with a stat that's generalizing & making a sweeping comment that 12% fail within 5yrs, and 17% within 10 without a detailed breakdown, before doctors, poll takers or "engineers" make up stats they must have gathered information, and that information means interviewing different people, in different situations and settings

@Jude You can't just use the excuse of "it's the MACROS not the MICROS", I am interested in the MICROS that make-up the MACROS.! I don't need to present any stat or study, they can't beat lived experience.

@Stan You can’t make the excuse that it is POSSIBLE that you won’t fall within the stats because of specific metrics (micros). It’s not about what’s possible. It’s about what’s reasonable. Given the range of studies and the range in the stats it is REASONABLE to claim that you fall within the stats. People will be able to determine for themselves if you’re being reasonable or not… especially that you haven’t provided any stat at all.

@Stan More importantly, others have proved to you AGAIN with their comments that they care more about friendship and fellowship first because engaging in any sort of dating and romance with someone they don’t even know. Maybe it’s time for you to take on board what they’re saying and change your mentality about Christian “dating” on a “dating” app, which in fact not intended to be used for romance and dating like Tinder or Bumble.

@Jude REASONABLE people question status quo, rather than just accept what is said/given as "fact". Having a crowd support you, does not mean you are right or the crowd is right, you either want validation or you want a crowd to come and gee you up! I keep telling you, I have lived the life you so vehemently back with your lists & stats, it DOES NOT work for me, why is that hard to understand?

@Stan I don’t actually believe you’ve done this… because I literally had to explain to you the concept of friendship, and the point for doing it this way.

@Jude You didn't explain to me what friendship means, you tried to affirm that the friendship first way is the best, I disagreed!

@Stan According to you people make friends one at a time 😂 🪺

@Jude Pahaha ooh friends, sounds like your department 😂

@Stan Yep, I’m familiar with the concept…unlike some. 😃

@Jude Then we are in agreement, that's your lane!

@Stan You’re still here!? I thought you learnt your lesson and went on to make friendships and fellowship.

@Jude You can't teach a lesson I want to learn, however, I invite you to step of the perch after this 🙂

@Stan Anyway, no hard feelings. Friends? 🤙✌️

@Jude No hard feelings 🙂👍🏾

@Taylor, I see what you mean :) I just caution any person looking for someone in any intimate position such as dating that it seems evident that goal of marriage whether strong or weak should be present. If it's not there, your dating life seems more for pleasure. I think having purpose and an end goal is important. If we meet someone and it may be someone the Lord places in our life, it seems that with prayer and moving forward is good.

@Jonah Agreed! As long as we’re willing to get on board with the reality that God is perfectly capable of redirecting our plans for another purpose. I think a good end goal here is to find God’s will. Does God want me to get married? Or are some of us here to fill some other purpose along the way?

@Taylor amen. I definitely agree!!

@Taylor I agree with this. I think it’s so important to be involved in Christian singles groups, that way we can have fellowship with other singles without pressure.

@Taylor Yep in as much as it is possible it’s good to be easy about it. I think hearts being set more on ‘what does God want out of my little life here’ makes is easier to let the intensity/ necessity go. We can trust the Lord in His wisdom to marry us with someone, who together as a unit, He knows will be as He designs to glorify the Father. We can also trust Him to keep us single to please Him. We need only align our hearts with His and ask His will to be done 🙂

I really could have shortened that to - God knows how best to get the most out of us!

@Mauranda You are on point 💯

@Mauranda My statement wasn't against the growth that God can use from a relationship that didn't pan out!:) I was against dating just simply to date, and I was cautioning. I was saying that if you look to date, with Christ as main focus, it should be dating only if there is a possibility of marriage.

@Jonah fair enough - I gotcha now!

@Jude Yes, it is 🙂 I think because this is a dating site, everyone naturally has that in the back of their minds.. which brings a bias while here looking for loooove. Personally I’m just here to hang out at this stage :)

@Kati I guess what I’m trying to say is that FRIENDSHIP facilitates romance (your “favourite” word 🙃) in a natural and organic way at a later stage.

@Jude Yes I agree. I do love romance.. In the real sense. When someone has captured your heart I think that is God-given. We have so captured His heart that He gave His life and suffered intensely, lives with a longing for us as His Bride. This divine romance is planted in us by Him, when we’re borne of Him.. so yes I do love it.. He made it, what He makes is beautiful and it lasts :)