I think setting your standards needs to be established as something you can use against “red flags”. In some respects a red flag should be a warning while other grey areas might hint towards a potential problem. Trying to “fix” someone into what you want should also be a red flag. In the end I would hope who ever you are dating is someone you see value in. If it isn’t something they have done before chances are they won’t do it in the future.
My matching criteria allows imperfections and is fair and God has taught us perfect love. So in my case it's up to the other person to be honest with themselves and the active step of choosing.
I don’t gamble 🙃
Nah, I’m happy that your mind went that way (it was a set up) I believe the idea of who to marry has been influenced by the world. The world operate by sight, even they guys u meet are operating in that system- the aim is to see if it/we fit first. We ought to marry in faith, just as we ought to come together as virgins. We been doing it all wrong 😑 dating is an intimacy bone to bone reserved for husband and wife. Dating is men invented, a loophole to get women in bed with a real commitment.
Gotta have boundaries for the potential possibility! Recently rediscovered, if possibility gonna seek reasons relationship is hindered, rather than possibilities that could edify or strengthen relationship, it's not worth pursuing!
Lot of personality is built around the daily habits, and one that will help improve your potential in all spaces is being physically active. Doesn't need to be the gym, it can be pilates, hiking, biking, etc. Do it frequent enough and you will improve your dating potential by a long shot. The feel good chemicals your brain provides also will help with other habits, the main point of this is the potential needs to be articulated and shown there's improvement. Define your "potential" and commit.
Haaaaha !
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@Christopher have you ever heard the excuse "you're too good for me"? That makes me mad
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@Rose being single feels different in a church. I had a friend at a Bible study once talk about a cousin who was single and started to say “you should date” then stopped and said I wasn’t his business. Part of me would have liked some ind of help matching
And part of me wants to find someone on my own. My church doesn’t have a singles ministry. I wonder what it might look like.
I think we look at potential from past experiences 🤷♂️ imagine if we have never dated and never had sex, how will we determine who to marry? 🙆♂️
@Thabo are you saying you should have sex before marriage to make sure they meet your standard? Most Romanian men i met here think this way, and it's hard to find real Christian Romanians, with biblical life principals, since in Romania al ortodox people are called Christians and they don't know the difference between christians abiding by God's law and just religion based Christians. So they usually are disappointed when I say "no sex outside of marriage."
I've been on that road and it's just a selfish, flesh pleasing road, leaving a lot of scars and never healing wounds. If you meet someone who matches your standards, do you ask yourself if you are meeting theirs?
Potential, to me, means they have the attributes needed to reach their goals. Self-motivated, diligent, reliable, etc. I can believe in your dreams/vision & in your ability to achieve them. If you’re putting in the work to heal, to grow, to seek accountability and be discipled; it’s easy to believe in your personal growth. But loving someone with conditions/assumption they’ll become your preference, despite them not taking steps to become that person… that seems unfair.
Lowering standards means choosing to be content with something less than your preference/original expectations.
Write the Vision. Be clear on God's nonnegotiable for a healthy mate...ie Mature in Christ-like character. Secondly, be clear on your personal non-negotiable needs. For example if you don't want to marry someone with children already or you desire a non-drinker. Don't feel guilty about your preferences. You have to count the cost b/c certain choices will come with the extra drama or responsibilities. Remember, Getting Married is optional. Keeping your Vows is a command. Let's Choose wisely.
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@Rebekah Glad it resonated with you...😊🙏🏿
I’d suggest being very practical and asking the question - If this doesn’t change, can I live with it? Generally speaking, people don’t substantially change.
@Catherine Do you think that willingness to change is in itself indicative of where a person's walk with Christ is? For example I like to think that if I was truly loving my wife as Christ loves the church, I would be willing to change the habits I have that she finds annoying, not necessarily because I find anything wrong with them but because changing them would be an act of love towards her.
@Andy Oh yes, absolutely. I was thinking about this in the car earlier, and reflecting on the fact that I do this with the people in my life. But at the same time, I’d draw a distinction between habits, character, and a person’s values and personality.
@Catherine E.g., if a person is unambitious and their partner hopes this will change, I don’t think that’s a fair expectation. Similarly, if someone is argumentative, or very messy, I wouldn’t bank on this changing. Which is why considering the ‘what if’ of it not changing is important.
@Catherine I also think that’s a fun point of reflection for us. 😅 For example, if I think I will be willing to change something about my character ‘when I meet the right person’ then I may be in slight self denial.
@Catherine hopefully that isn’t a depressing line of thought. I think that relationships are beautiful when folks grow towards one another, but painful and disappointing when it doesn’t happen as expected. So prayer / reflection is pretty important…
@Andy I think I managed to reply to myself, not you. 😂 And I work in tech. 🙈
As Kati has alluded to, it depends what standards we’re talking about. If it’s “they must be a good cook” and they have a level of ability, then it’s likely trivial. But in terms of God’s standards, whilst we’re all on a journey, there needs to be a decent level of spiritual maturity - are they kind, caring, honest and show integrity etc? These things are vital to being a Christian, as well as a healthy relationship. If we have to keep overlooking these things, then it’s ignoring red flags.
Also, spiritual maturity does not directly correlate with how long someone has been a Christian or their church attendance/involvement. It would be wise for new Christians to focus and grow in faith for a year or so before dating (rather than us “dating them for their potential”) but it also can’t be assumed that those who’ve been a Christian for a long time (even if they know their Bible and do lots in church) are actually spiritually mature and a decent human being.
