Why sex is for marriage and not outside it? Because that’s how God designed it. Here are all the reasons you should wait.

I’ve flirted with the idea of learning another language for most of my adult life.

I did well at German at school, I loved watching German films too. But after the exams passed, the whole thing flew off my radar, as did the vocab from my mind.

As I got older, I began to pursue becoming the kind of person who achieves things sometimes and I became no stranger to Duolingo (other apps are available) over the years. That poor owl saw my rise and fall of commitment a few too many times.

In my defence, my willpower was often quite strong. I did get a 50-day streak once, maybe higher than that.

But whenever life got busy, or I muted the notifications – my achievements lessened over time.

My most successful attempt however was when I started to work over in France. Suddenly, I had context for my need to know another language; it would make my work better, I could get along with people easier and mostly limit the amount of miscommunication that was happening.

I realised that in my previous attempts, even when I had the will power, my ‘why’ wasn’t always strong enough to keep me going…

TL;DR: The Summary

We’re here to talk about sex and why it’s for marriage.

This ‘why’, for anyone who wants to follow God and save sex for marriage, is probably one of the most important things to wrestle with and know for yourself because chances are, eventually your ‘will’ will fail you.

As Proverbs says:

“Enthusiasm without knowledge is no good; haste makes mistakes.” (Proverbs 19:2 NLT)

Knowing the ‘why’ behind our values in life is like giving your decisions an anchor and this Christian dating blog aims to help give you a solid foundation for just that.

Some of you might be here because you’re curious to how Christians justify their ‘condemnation of premarital sex’ – you’re really welcome here and I hope you enjoy the read.

But mostly my aim is to talk to people who want to make this choice for their life and are seeking some Christian relationship advice. 

So, let’s explore why sex is for marriage.

• God’s command (or lack of)
• One flesh
• Sex is not for…
• Really good?
• ‘For’ the marriage

God’s Command (Or Lack Of)

Correct me if I’m wrong (and perhaps you’ve had this thought too), but there’s not an explicit ‘You shall not have sex before marriage’ commandment from God in the Bible.

CofE Minister and writer Ian Paul (Psephizo), tells us:

The closest we get to a prohibition on sex before marriage is in the command in Deuteronomy 22:28: if a man has sex with an unmarried or unbetrothed woman, then they must marry. (…), along with other texts, it highlights the assumed context. Sex belongs in marriage; unmarried women and men abstain from sex; and even when they are betrothed (committed to marrying), they do not have sex until after marriage. And this makes sense of the earlier case, if a man accuses his newly-wed wife of not being a virgin (Deuteronomy 22:13–21); if she has had sex already, she is in effect another man’s wife, and the penalty is the same as that for adultery.

Though I’m all for a law that protects women from false accusations, this still feels like a tricky and unclear place to start…

Sex is Good

However, on further reflection I see God’s tactful and purposeful decision here. Through His lack of black and white clarity on that one statement, He is making something else very clear indeed. Something we have often gotten lost in translation.

You see, often when we are told “don’t do that”, especially as children, we get a sense that that thing is bad or dangerous or wrong in some way.

And so some (though not all) Christians may hear “don’t have sex before marriage” in a church, devotional or societal context and in turn, hold onto ‘sex is wrong’ or ‘bad’ or ‘sinful’ etc as a result.

This is a damaging connection to make and can have a negative impact on an individual’s relationship to and experience of sex. And that’s why I think God instead says that sex is good and that He made sex for marriage.

One Flesh

Sex started in the Garden of Eden – in God’s perfect creation! He saw sex and it was good because He designed it with an incredible purpose in mind.

Then the Lord God made the rib he had taken from the man into a woman and brought her to the man. And the man said: 

This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called “woman,” for she was taken from man.

This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. Both the man and his wife were naked, yet felt no shame. 

(Genesis 2:22-25 CSB)

Yes, I’m talking about John Mark Comer again because I feel no one made enough fuss ten years ago and no one has made a better case since.

In his book, Loveology (as Christian dating books go, this one is a must) Comer goes Bible nerd style into the original Hebrew for this Genesis text.

It’s well worth a watch of this video, it was a game-changer for me when it was released – but in short, he says…

The Hebrew word ‘Echad’ is used to describe what happens when two people have sex.

This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become Echad.

Or ‘one’ which when combined with the word ‘flesh’ means – fused together at the deepest level.

Let me repeat

I’ll repeat it because it’s just so good – in sex, a man and woman come together and are fused together at the deepest level.  

Sex is so powerful! It is the deepest form of unity two people can ever experience. They become one entity.

This ‘fusing’ isn’t just of bodies, but of spirit too. Sex is the union of body and soul. Separating this just sells sex short.

As Comer emphasises, sex is therefore an incredible gift  in marriage, something to be enjoyed over and over again to remind two people that they are one, and that their love is a deep and strong bond supported through the uniting experience of sex.

A Higher Call

This all reminds me of the Catholic Church’s view of marriage. In his text ‘Humanae Vitae’ or ‘Of Human Life’, Pope Blessed Paul VI explains that a Christian marriage should be:

• Free, Total, Faithful and Fruitful.

These are great qualities to look for if you are a Christian dating for marriage. That’s because marriage is meant to reflect God’s great love for us and these principles applied to sex in marriage are what makes sex the God given gift it is.

Sex in marriage is:

Free – A husband and wife choose each other, they choose to give themselves to each other through the union of sex.

Total –They offer themselves totally to the other – mind, spirit and body (and for the Catholic Church, in fertility). This is the ‘Echad’ we spoke about.

Faithful – A married couple share a fully committed lifelong love that extends to their total commitment to fidelity to each other sexually.

And Fruitful – The power of sex to create life is an unavoidable reality and a major part of God’s purpose of placing sex in marriage. In Eden, Adam and Eve were told to be fruitful and multiply and sex is the means to that call. In marriage, sex means an openness to the possibility of having children.

For God, sex is part of His beautiful creation, designed to serve a couple in their bond, enjoy its goodness and strengthen their love as they are united as one flesh.

Sex is not for…

Now although we are lacking a ‘no sex before marriage’ commandment from God, He does explicitly state some boundaries of what or who sex is not for.

A good ‘one stop shop’ for this information is 1 Corinthians 6:9-20. In a crude summary, it informs us that:

• Sex is not for self-gratification – In this we can include things like lust, masturbation and pornography.  
• Sex is not for manipulating others – including sexual exploitation, abuse and rape.
• Sex is not to be bought – God is against prostitution
• Sex is not for the unmarried – including casual sex and cheating through adultery.
• Sex is not for same sex pairs – God designed sex for a man and a woman. More on this further on.

Sex in marriage is not immune from some of these ‘no’s’ either. It’s not to say that just because a couple are married then their sexual encounters are always God honouring. If selfishness, abuse, lust etc are part of marital sex,  this is not the sex that God intended for wedded life and it is not good.

Choices

Some of the ‘no’s’ relate to choices we intentionally make for ourselves or about others.

Like my attempts at becoming fluent in French, sometimes the ‘why’ falters and the will gives way. For whatever reason the temptation of sex for unmarried men and women is a true reality that doesn’t always end with the ‘godly’ decision being made each time.

Physical intimacy in Christian dating is an area we may all come across at some point and some will cross the boundary lines.

For those of us this applies or will apply to – hold onto grace. The good news is that there is always time to make a new choice to follow God and His higher call on your life. Because He wants you to experience the best!

And Circumstances

Unfortunately for some, their circumstances mean sex before marriage has happened outwith their control.

In the article ‘How to enjoy sex the way God designed’ Leela Zander says that:

If you’ve been sexually abused, it’s vital that you know that God is not displeased with you.

What happened to you was not your choice. The fault lies with the abuser who will be accountable to God for those actions.

God saw what happened and you have not dishonoured Him…

They also point to a helpful article on forgiveness if you are struggling and looking for a way to move forward.

Sexual sin, including the acts of others against us, deeply grieve God. If this is your experience, talk to a trusted friend, mentor or church leader. Seek help and professional support if you need it. And invite God in to redeem your story.

Really good?

I think it would be false to believe that all consensual sex outside of marriage leads to total destruction in an earthly sense. After all, sex is good and those engaging with it will experience that goodness to an extent whether it’s as God planned or not. They will know the pleasure, bonding and procreative realities for themselves.

This might be hard to weigh in your mind. If it’s not always bad, why is it not good?  

As you wrestle, consider Genesis 2 again:

This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

These ancient words, repeated by Jesus (Matt 19:4-5) are what is designed to be truly good when it comes to sex. As followers of Jesus this is our anchor, our ‘why’ for our choice to honour God’s plan for sex in marriage only.

I don’t want to skim over the exclusivity of sex mentioned here. Man and woman only. What is being said is as culturally difficult today as it was in Jesus’ day. It’s challenging!

I imagine many people I know personally would be upset or call this boundary for sex ‘archaic’ and would likely be angry to know this is in my set of beliefs as a Christian. It’s uncomfortable and something I struggle to settle with often.

This current platform isn’t the right space to unpack this fully. But I would like to air that to God, all sex outside of marriage between a man and woman is considered immoral. As Christians this means we need to remember that there is no hierarchy, no greater punishment for one thing over the other. And so, if you know and love Jesus and want to follow Him in all areas of your life, submitting to this call whether you are Christian single, dating or engaged, is the way to experience sex in the goodness that God intended.

‘For’ The Marriage

On a cheerier note, for Christians who do accept this call and choose to honour sex for marriage only, they will see sex serve their marriage because it’s ‘for’ the marriage.

It’s ‘for’ trust – Saying yes to sex with your spouse for life is an ultimate example of trust. Whether things are good or difficult, you place your trust in your spouse to explore, enjoy, honour and wait as you engage in sexual intimacy in your marriage.

It’s ‘for’ the other – Some very good godly relationship advice is that marriage is not about the self, it’s about self-giving. Saying no to everyone else who did or might have come along says a lot about what your spouse means to you. It communicates that you want only them, that you will sacrifice for them even when you don’t gain from it, and that you want sex to be more than just the physical, you’re after ‘Echad’. Now that’s romantic!

It’s ‘for’ the future – Saving sex for marriage means you want your sex life to be good for the long haul, not just the right now. Sex is for your whole marriage, not just for the ‘young and fun’. Saying yes to sex just for marriage is a unifying experience that will deepen a bond till death do you part.

Let’s Conclude

I imagine a lot of you reading this are single Christians looking to date. Perhaps you have your eye on a non-Christian you know, maybe you’re both Christians and wondering where the line for sex is. Wherever you come from today, I hope this little deep dive has helped you to start to form or strengthen your ‘why’ in keeping sex for marriage.

Even if you aren’t actively looking to date, don’t think the topic of sex isn’t for you just now. Perhaps you’re a Christian looking for love but struggling with temptation, then have a read of our 5 tips to manage your sex drive.

Whether you’re single, dating, engaged or even married, it’s good to remember God’s ‘why’ – and pray for His help to honour our (future) spouse in loving them freely, totally, faithfully and fruitfully – by saving sex for marriage.

Find like minded Christian singles – try the SALT dating app today!