Sex drive taking over your thoughts as a single Christian is tough. Here are five tips to help manage your sex drive as a single.

TL;DR: The Summary

Though times are changing, it’s still hard to have open conversations about sexual desire. And especially how to manage this as Christians. We all just get a bit weird about it.

So today we’re going to let our repressive tendencies take a break. Let’s have a good chat about managing your sex drive.

Whether you’re a Christian single, in a Christian dating relationship or married, there will always be times in life where managing your sex drive is needed.

This will be different for everyone and will change for you in different seasons of life. These tips should guide you towards healthy management of your sex drive. Especially if right now that feels far out of reach. 

So, here are 5 tips to manage your sex drive.

• Watch what you watch
• Redirect your energy 
• Talk about it 
• Be situation aware 
• God’s strength, not your own

Intro

Guilty as charged, I’ve been sucked into the Below Deck hype. I don’t feel that guilty, I love it!

If you’ve not watched it, it’s a reality tv series that follows the crew members who work on luxury yachts and their affluent clientele. 

I love the locations, the 5-star service, the food menus, the drama and the crazy guests. 

But beyond watching people strive for excellence in exchange for wads of cash, you also have to witness a boat-full of young people’s sexual frustrations.  

Every time without fail, at least one of the crew members complains that they won’t get the chance to have sex for 6 weeks because of the job. 

And as much as I want to roll my eyes and say, “do you know what it’s like waiting for marriage?!”, I get what they’re all saying.  

Managing your sex drive is not always easy! Whether you’ve chosen chastity/celibacy/waiting, have re-dedicated yourself to this or are new to the idea of dealing with your sex drive, it can be a challenge. Even if you aren’t secluded on a mega yacht surrounded by toned tanned singletons.

Context for Sex

Sex is such a huge deal that it makes two people become one (Genesis 2:24). God wants it to stay that way. So, sex has been designed for marriage. 

It’s 100% worth your time to watch John Mark Comer talk more about this. Plus bonus points if you’ve already read Loveology.

So that’s the context for sex. And yet all of us walk around every day with our sex drive. If we’re single or dating, we’re not yet in the right context to express this desire. If we are married, sex isn’t always going to be a readily available choice for several reasons. Life, children, sickness, libido and many other things get in the way. 

For some of us, our sex drive is the ruler of our lives and trying to ‘ignore’ it is a daily struggle. Many of us will have crossed our personal boundaries in this area. The desire to act on these sexual feelings is just so strong.  

Before we go into the tips, I’d love for us to agree to start from the same place

There’s so much grace

No matter your background or past decisions, there is grace for you if managing your sex drive has led to action over abstinence. God does not hate you; He hasn’t rejected you and He has sufficient grace for you. 

For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace 

(John 1:16)

Choose now

Single, dating, married or other – decide now that your sex drive will not control you but that you will be in control. Even saying this to yourself will help as you manage your sex drive daily. 

Agreed?! 

Let’s get into it!

Sex Drive Management Tip #1: Watch what you watch

I’ve got a lot to say about this one, so best to get comfy!

We’re all aware that temptation is everywhere. When it comes to managing your sex drive, what you choose to expose yourself to through media and entertainment will either help or hinder how successful you are at this. 

Film and television 

Yes, I’m talking about it again… but Below Deck does come to mind. 

The show displays a worldly view of ‘freedom’. This is presented not just in the crew travelling to faraway places and filling their pockets with cash tips – but sexually too. 

There are always a few “boat-mances”, and as the series have gone on over the years, cameras have appeared in the cabins and secret hideaways where crew go to ‘hook up’. And my brain won’t let me look away. 

This pull to see more of the thing we desire, even in a context we wouldn’t want it in, is feeding and fuelling temptation. 

Being mindful of the movies and television we watch is important to managing our sex drive. Take time to consider the reason why you enjoy watching certain things and reassess your viewing from there.

Social Media

One of my very good friends is a champion pole dancer. She is strong and successful and very talented at her art form. She chooses to showcase her dancing online on her social media. It helps her with competitions, booking workshops to teach dance to others and she’s passionate about it. I love my friend, and I want her to continue to be successful. However, I have made the decision to not have her content appear on my social media feed. Mainly because it is overtly sexualised. 

For you, it might not be this, but other accounts like adverts for women’s lingerie, following the sexy celebrity you have a crush on or a comedian or influencer who talks about sex in a specific way. Even if, like my example, the effects could be more subconscious, it might be worth having a cull on who you follow online or managing your settings on your accounts to limit what you see. 

Pornography

Girls, I’m talking to you as much as they guys here. The world points us to pornography as a way to deal with our sexual frustration.

But pornography only encourages self-gratification, use of others, abuse and other dangerous behaviours. Though this clearly isn’t God’s vision for sex, it hasn’t excluded the Christian community from getting tangled in its use. 

If this is you and your struggle, I pray for your freedom in the name of Jesus. The enemy has used pornography to ruin our sexual desires and lead us to sin. I want to see this broken by God’s Kingdom power. I encourage you with love to realise that using porn will never fully satisfy. It will only make managing your sex drive even more difficult. 

If you want your sex drive to serve you well in a loving, committed relationship, the pornography use has to go. 

If this is your story, or the story of someone you know, I would highly recommend Fight the New Drug. 

They have great resources and articles about these harms and how to quit using science, facts and personal accounts.  

Overall, it’s best to know your own personal triggers. I’m not trying to spoil anyone’s fun here, but I am trying to guard all of our hearts and minds. Encouraging our sex drive through external temptation will not only make it more difficult to say no, but could impact our sex life when it happens in the right context too.

Sex Drive Management Tip #2: Redirect your energy

Exercise

It’s a classic answer but worth mentioning. 

When we play sports or exercise our brain releases endorphins which make us feel good!

Getting your body moving will help burn off some of the energy that’s keeping your body fixated on your sex drive. And it will also take your mind off it too. 

When we immerse ourselves in a sport or exercising activity, we enjoy it more. It brings our mind into a flow state, so time seems to go by quicker as well.  

This doesn’t have to be an expense either. If you’re not part of a sports club or gym you can still feel the benefit of exercise. Go running or walking outside, dancing in your bedroom or using some of the great workouts online. I love using the Fit On App for this – it’s free. 

There are numerous other benefits too, such as reduced stress and better sleep. 

Making movement a part of your routine, rather than a reactive sex drive suppression tactic, will help you longer term too.

Connection

The other way to redirect our energy is in meaningful connections with people. Ultimately that’s what our sex drive is pushing us towards when we put sex in its right context.

Get outside and into the public. Interact with people you see. Phone a friend, message you mum. Go and knock on your mentor’s house.

Having meaningful conversations and connections with people is ultimately what your heart is looking for.

Sex Drive Management Tip #3: Talk about it

Often we find it hard to talk about sex and our sexual desire, mainly because of shame. 

But learning to have healthy discussions about sex and sexual desire will help make this ‘issue’ feel smaller and more manageable.

If you’re single, choose a close friend, mentor or even family member who you feel understands you well. Perhaps they might be helpful to text when you are feeling like it’s really difficult to manage your feelings so they can chat to you and provide distraction. They might have some of their own advice to share too and can help make you feel supported and assured. Even better, they can pray for you too.  If you’re dating or married, talk to your partner. Chat about what is helpful and what isn’t. Take tip number 2 to heart and plan time to be active together or make room for uninterrupted discussion. Pray together and for each other as you choose to be the master of your mind and body, not your feelings.

You aren’t alone if you feel your sex drive is tricky to master sometimes. In fact I think you’ll find the more trust you build talking about it to someone who can be there for you, keep you accountable and grounded, the better you will feel.

Sex Drive Management Tip #4: Be situation aware

Just as the things we watch have an influence over our sexual desires and how we choose to control them, so do the situations we find ourselves in. 

Being mindful of the things you do (or don’t do) and the company you keep will help to manage how you feel. For some people, alcohol is something to consider. Drinking reduces your inhibition. It can lead you to make choices that sober you wouldn’t be so quick to compromise on. Or, as it’s a depressant, can bring our feelings of insecurity and loneliness to the fore. I’m not saying never to have a glass of wine with dinner. Just know yourself and your limits.

Likewise, late nights. Whether this is through a party, with your significant other or on your own with your phone. Something about the dark of night makes our brains a bit less rational in thinking. Staying up really late isn’t healthy in general. It can just extend the torment some feel when their sex drive urges become the loudest thought in their head. 

My mantra is ‘nothing that good happens after midnight’. Find your cut off or set your own boundaries to ease the tension of a late-night wandering mind. The people you choose to spend lots of time with will also have an influence over you and your thoughts. With some of my friends, I know it’s best not to bring up the topic of sex or dating. They always have some outrageous story or want to encourage what I don’t. When willpower already feels low it’s not the most helpful thing.

Use your judgement and discernment on what situations do and don’t aid you to achieve your sex drive management goals. It’s okay to say no, even if it seems strange to others.

Sex Drive Management Tip #5: God as your strength

I love reading the passages of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. 

Jesus asks for God to find another way to achieve what must be done on the cross, yet submits himself to God’s greater will. 

This perfect example of obedience and sacrifice is why Jesus’ love is the best and how he understands our struggles. 

In your moments of temptation and trial, especially when it comes to sexual desire, we can turn to the one who loves us so much he gave his life for us.

Equally as Jesus prays, the disciples are falling asleep a little way off. Jesus says to them:

Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

(Matthew 26:41)

The flesh is weak. I’m sure we can all relate to that. 

But in our weakness, God is strength and He provides us with ways to resist and be strengthened. 

“Keeping watch” for us, can be interpreted in this instance as using the tips we’ve talked through to manage the situations, thoughts and feelings we find contribute to our sex drive being out of control. 

And then prayer. Pouring out your heart to God as Jesus does in the garden and asking for His will to be done in your life. 

… God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted[b] beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,[c] he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

(1 Corinthians 10:13)

No matter the temptation, God will always provide us a way out of that moment. We need to pray for His strength to be in us so we can see that option and choose it over our own will. 

Big stuff, but important!

Let’s Conclude

I’m definitely not saying that if you don’t follow these tips you won’t be able to control yourself. Those in a relationship but not married may be finding this time particularly tricky.

What I am saying is that our experiences and feelings in life are often the result of the choices we make. And if we want to capture, commit to and enjoy God’s amazing vision for sex, using the sex drive He has given you, we need to be wise about some of the choices we make in this area. 

By taking time to consider our surroundings and what we consume (sometimes dating apps don’t help either), making some practical steps to move our bodies and begin healthy conversations, and by owning up to our humanness and asking for God’s help – managing your sex drive will be a whole lot easier!

One step at a time friends, you’ve got this.