Purity Culture ruined Christian dating. But how could a set of beliefs pushed on young people change culture so much?
My dad loves tiramisu.
He likes to think he’s a tiramisu connoisseur actually.
And he wants ‘real’ tiramisu too, like this (likely the whole bowl!) none of the watered down rubbish.
He doesn’t want it all too wet and creamy, nor the ladyfinger sponge too dry and crunchy. If there’s no booze, it’s not the real thing to him. And if you can’t taste the coffee, well don’t even get him started.
Every time we’re in a restaurant, typically Italian of course, and he sees tiramisu on the menu he gets excited and then immediately sceptical. Will it be the real deal?
He even goes as far to (much to my embarrassment) ask the waiting staff, “is it real tiramisu?” which always leaves the poor server in a bit of a confused pickle.
As annoying as this trait of his can be, I understand what he means. He’s after true tiramisu in its pure, perfect form.
Where the espresso coffee is strong. There’s thick cream but not too much cream so it’s just all cream. A hint of sweet alcohol.A bit of give to the sponge…
Tiramisu at its best, that’s what’s worth waiting for.
TL;DR: The Summary
Purity culture, among other dating challenges for Christians, has made a stamp on the Chrisian community by using examples, like my dad waiting for the perfect tiramisu, as an illustrative reinforcement to save sex for marriage.
But it’s misplaced metaphors like these that have contributed to generations of Christians stepping into the dating world with more damage than direction.
When dating as a single Christian can be hard enough as it is, purity culture and its subliminal messaging has added its own unhealthy hindrances.
Perhaps you’re well versed in the call of purity culture on Christians or maybe it’s news to you.
But take this time to assess your own pattern of thinking about sex, celibacy and singleness as we consider 5 Ways Purity Culture Ruined Christian Dating…
- Dating with Shame and Fear.
- Dating with Judgement and Unforgiveness.
- Dating with Ignorance.
- Dating with Baggage.
- Dating with Hyperfixation.
What is Purity Culture?
‘Purity Culture’ is often attributed to American Evangelical Christianity with its most famous boom in the 90s seeing young people making purity pledges and attending purity balls.The younger millennials and older Gen Z-ers out there might recall famous cases like the Jonas Brothers with their purity rings for example.
Though purity culture isn’t exclusively American or exclusively applicable to Chrsitians, the effects of its message are still prevalent in the Chritian community today but likely as a less public and more unspoken norm.
At its core purity culture:
- Promotes sexual purity through abstinence.
- Discourages any form of pre-marital sex.
In other words – no sex before marriage. This is a familiar concept to most Christians.
In its expanded definition, purity culture also tends to teach that:
- Women’s bodies are the cause for men’s sexual sins.
- Men’s sexual desires are so out of control that they need to do everything in their power to not trigger them.
- Not being sexually pure is often seen as being disobedient to God and your faith.
In fact Hannah Mayderry (LMHC) talking to VeryWellMind said that purity culture teaches people that:
“(…) their sexuality is something that should be bottled up and shoved down. That encompasses everything from the way that they dress, (…) the way that they view their own bodies, and their own sex drive.”
I’m sure even from reading these that some of your warning flags are starting to raise, and for good reason.
Though saving sex for marriage is a common and generally accepted part of Christian life, the wider impact of the teachings of purity culture have led to some toxic results that are still prevalent in Christian dating today.
Let’s take a look at some of these effects now.
Dating With Shame and Fear
Purity culture has and continues to fill unmarried Christians with shame and fear.
The human desire for sex, in an extramarital context, is not a new ‘problem’ for the church. And yet with the call to ‘save sex for marriage’ making waves into the Christian sphere we seem to think that words are enough to stop these human ‘urges’.
This call to chastity has led to young Christians growing up with a deep sense of shame about their bodies, their feelings and, in some cases, their decisions.
Body Shame
If diet culture, size zero models, the glamorisation of eating disorders, and our constant exposure to ‘attractive and successful’ people on social media wasn’t enough, the message of purity culture feeds shame into the appearance of our bodies and how this could get us into a situation we shouldn’t be in.
As I’m writing this I’m thinking about how damaging this can be especially to young people who may still be experiencing or coming to terms with the results of puberty. In a time of tumultuous change and hormone surges, which often result in feelings outside of our cognitive control, the added pressure to conceal the sexual reality of our bodies in the name of ‘purity and modesty’ can’t be a very unhealthy thing.
Singles are meeting Christian men and women with a whole bunch of body hang ups, likely formed much earlier in their lives.
This is impacting people as they date and as they walk with God, it’s a spiritual issue. Cheryl in her blog ‘Dear Christians, We Need To Talk About Body Image’ reminds us that:
How we relate to our bodies isn’t as simple as just trying really hard not to think about it. It can feel like a fundamental part of our identity and can impact our spirituality.
Feeling Shame
We bring to our dating the shame of the things we feel, whether this be attraction or arousal. This learned behaviour causes people to shut down thoughts because they are deemed ‘wrong’ or occurring in the wrong context.
In order to stay pure, I imagine many Christian dating couples are feeling at a loss of what to do with their feelings towards their date/partner.
If having these thoughts is ‘wrong’ according to purity culture, then there’s this constant unspoken experience happening within the relationship. What is one to do?
This sense of shame is going to minimise honesty and openness in a new relationship, surely that can’t be good.
Continued Shame
And singles may carry shame about when they have ‘crossed the line’ and have worries about telling the person they are dating about their past.
Just a quick word of comfort – sexual ‘purity’ and lust might not be everyone’s problem but please, apply some grace to yourself. No one is perfect.
This all feeds into fear.
The Fear Factor
Purity culture is telling Christians to fear the loss of being able to have a loving relationship over one thought, feeling or action they have made.
What’s worse, it’s creating isolating fear for those where stepping outside the bounds of ‘chastity’ wasn’t their choice.
Wrongly, purity culture implies that there is blame on the individual when sex happens outside of marriage. This is scarily damaging to someone who experiences the trauma of abuse. That’s because purity culture claims that we are always in control, that it is our choices alone that determine our purity. These are harmful lies.
What’s more – no one should ever be blamed for being a victim of sexual assault, full stop. What’s more I’d argue that Jesus first thoughts in such an awful situation are not “I’ll forgive you” but “Come to me, I love you”.
Dating With Judgement and Unforgiveness
The subsequent ‘tainting’ of those who may in some way have crossed the boundaries of chastity, on the counterpart has created an unhealthy culture of judgement and unforgiveness in Christians.
In reflecting on Joshua Harris’ book, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, Karissa Valadez notices this judgement and unforgiveness herself.
“He could’ve thanked God for what He’d done in and through Shannon, and for shaping her into the woman that sat before him…. Instead Joshua cried because she wasn’t a virgin.”
As single Christians dating other Christians, the focus on purity runs the risk of ruining the beginnings of a relationship because we feel that we are in the rightful position to judge the actions of the other, especially in regards to sex.
Carrying the Burden
Purity culture seems to create an understanding that sexual misconduct is unforgivable – with the majority of this burden laid on women.
Say for example a young woman has had historic pornography use and despite the guilt and shame we explored in our first points, is brave enough to discuss her past with her date/new partner.
Chances are, she will be met with disgust and unforgiveness, like Shannon, due to how wrong this misstep has been emphasised to be. Likely from a man who has used pornography himself.
Ready and Willing
We cannot as people who know and love Jesus allow these ideals to ruin Christian dating with a lack of forgiveness. In fact it should be something we are ready and expectant to do (whether this be about sex or something else).
Nothing someone else has done is unforgivable for us, because as C.S. Lewis put it: “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.’”
Matthew 18: 21-22
Where purity culture wants to ruin couples through harsh judgements and unforgiveness, Jesus points us to His deep and boundless grace.
Dating With Ignorance
Because purity culture is about saying no to our (God-given) sexuality, it is creating generations of single Christians who are not sexually educated.
Now I’m not saying that the single Christian should obsess over the ins and outs of sexual intercourse, this would be unhelpful for those choosing to stay celibate before marriage.
But so many singles don’t even understand how their own bodies work, which is feeding into the shame and guilt that purity culture already encourages.
This ignorance will also make the decision to save sex for marriage hard to navigate. If you can’t talk about your sexuality with your partner or discuss the physical realities you are experiencing together in your decision to wait, the waiting won’t get any easier. Likely just more awkward. And never mind if you’re going to meet a divorced single Christian, because that’s it’s own rabbit hole of ignorance.
We explore some of the areas of needing good sex education in our blog ‘How to prepare for good sex as a Christian’ which applies to singles as much as the newly engaged couples.
Keep in mind that good sex education and how to understand our bodies will not come from films and pornography. These will only add additional confusion, unhealthy and unrealistic expectations of yourself and a future partner.
Dating With Baggage
I’d argue that purity culture has ruined Christian dating by generating a whole bunch of extra baggage that we really didn’t need to bring into dating in the first place.
I’ve known young women in tears over kissing a boy in their freshers week. Now we all set our own boundaries but also, are we making life hard and miserable for ourselves for the wrong reasons?
Particularly because this baggage is focused on what other people may think, like those who have taught you about purity within your church. It often doesn’t have a load to do with God.
I think this baggage leads us to think that marriage is God’s redemption cure for our mistakes. Our sexual misconduct means then we aren’t good enough for marriage. But then when marriage does happen God has redeemed our wayward past and made us pure.
I just don’t buy it.
But this is the baggage and backward thinking we bring as single Christians looking to date.
Dating With Hyper-Fixation
Do you also get the sense that sometimes Christian dating is all about sex?
In an upside down way, purity culture has not taken Christian men and women’s mind off of sex, but wholly onto it.
And that’s just not what God is about. Our greatest command as followers of Jesus is not to hyperfixate on sex. It’s to love God and love others.
“‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind’. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbour as yourself.’”
Matthew 22: 37-38
In hyper fixating on sex in Christian dating:
- We’ve made sex the ultimate sin.
- We’ve made marriage the ultimate cure.
- We’ve made sex for newly weds the ultimate pressure.
- We’ve made singless the ultimate curse.
Purity culture has put sex on this ‘do not touch’ pedestal, turning it into the key focus on many singles’ minds as they walk in their faith.
Maybe we should spend more time focusing on God and His character.
The purity movement taught a God who gave us moral rules to follow, but underemphasized His redemptive nature.
And in the same way we’re fixating on the wrong thing. Our sexuality is a God given reality, that dating helps us to find context for. But instead of shutting it down it should point us to what we were made for – communion, intimacy with God.
Let’s Conclude
In all, purity culture through its by-products of shame and fear, has contributed to ruining Christian dating by encouraging singles to hide their ‘mistakes’, closes down communication and instilling a deep dread of another person finding out about your past. It makes us wonder even where to meet single Christian men or where to meet single Christian women for fear of meeting someone who will judge us in this way.
Mostly though it’s taken us away from God’s desire for relationship with us, not a fixation on human made rules.
I don’t think I can put it better than Juli Slattery in their article…
This story of the Bible must be the foreground and background of everything we teach, including sexuality. Our purity and righteousness ultimately have nothing to do with our sexual choices or struggles, but with our standing in Christ Jesus.
We can never accomplish a pure life apart from His continual work in us, through the Holy Spirit. God loves the gay, the pastor, the virgin, the single, the married, the prostitute, and the divorced. Each one must choose whether or not to respond to that love with repentance, humility, and obedience.
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