In this post we offer 5 tips to heal after heartbreak as a Christian.

TL;DR: The Summary

Right now it is important to allow yourself to feel. Take notice of your emotions so that you can process them. We’re not asking you to rush through a simple healing process, we’re offering gentle pointers which will aid the healing along a complex and winding road to feeling strong again. You will be okay, it might not be tomorrow or six months, but God will deliver you.

Here are our 5 steps to Heal from Heartbreak

1. Lean into the right people
2. Seek Closure
3. Be Gentle with Yourself
4. Soak in Jesus’ Love
5. Re-focus on the future

Intro

Heartbreak is so hard and it’s probably an inevitable part of dating and relationships. But how do you heal from heartbreak?

If you’re reading this with a broken heart then first I want to say that I am sorry. It sucks. I imagine that you probably rolled your eyes at the title. If only ridding yourself of this pain was as simple as reading a blog post? We’re under no illusion. Heartbreak is one of the most painful parts of the human experience because it mirrors the pain that Jesus feels when we reject him. It’s a kind of grief as you mourn the loss of someone who you loved and cared for. 

You might not be ready to hear this just yet, that’s okay, but let me begin by saying that the way you’re feeling right now, is not the end of the story. In Psalm 147:3 we hear that God “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” We know from this that if your heart is broken, God has already begun the healing process.

Heartbreak Healing Step #1: Lean into the right people

When you’re first hit by the blow of rejection when your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you the words everyone dreads to hear, it can feel like you’ve just been hit by a tonne of bricks. Like you’ve sustained a huge injury that you do not have the skills or resources to fix yourself. You’re going to need to seek help from those around you.

Depending on your personality it’s going to be tempting to either completely bottle up all your feelings and share nothing with anyone, or to tell the whole world that you’ve been wronged. Allow me to gently say that neither of these are wise.

Right now you need people to gather around you, to pray for you, to love you, to listen to you and offer counsel. It is important to guard your heart by not sharing everything with everyone. Consider carefully who you can trust. Choose a small group of people who are going to be helpful. By helpful, I mean they won’t gossip behind your back. And they won’t try to unfairly defend the person who’s hurt you, they won’t lay heavy advice on you. If the people who naturally come to mind are still friends with the person who’s broken your heart, they’re probably not the people to confide in. They will feel torn and probably don’t have the space and grace to listen to how you’re feeling without judgement or discomfort.

Proverbs 17:17 says “a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Spend some time thinking and praying carefully over who you can trust to love you and sit with you in this time of adversity.

People love drama

Remember that many people in your circle are going to take an interest because everyone loves the drama of a broken relationship. Just because someone asks you prying questions, does not mean you have to answer. No one has the right to the contents of your heart except Jesus. Discern why they are asking you for information. It is always better to ‘undershare’ than overshare if you are not sure.

Heartbreak Healing Step #2: Seek Closure

It is hard letting go of a good thing. It’s hard to let go of the hope that the person who’s just broken your heart will turn up at your door with a bunch of roses begging for your forgiveness and reconciliation. It is hard, but it’s not impossible. Seeking closure will be a slow process but it’s a necessary step to take for you to move on and get on with your life. 

Seeking closure begins by praying that you will be able to accept that the relationship is over, that God has other plans for you. In the moment you were first rejected or when your boyfriend/girlfriend first told you that they didn’t see a future for the relationship, you may have had a loving and open conversation which gave you the answers you needed to begin processing. 

More often breakups and rejections are messy and awkward. As imperfect humans it comes naturally to us to stumble through these difficult conversations. Maybe it’s the text to say “it’s over,” or being ghosted, or being told some ridiculous attempt at justification like “it’s not your church that’s the problem, it’s mine.” Sometimes it might be possible to reopen a conversation and ask the questions which have been plaguing you at night. In some cases the other person will not be emotionally mature enough to face you. If you are ready to seek a conversation for clarity rather than to win them back, then ask for one, and be very prepared before you show up. 

Make closure possible

Whether you have been able to have a conversation or not you will reach the same point of needing to accept that the relationship is over. You are going to be very fragile and sensitive at this point so it’s important to guard your heart. This means filtering what you consume, decluttering the space in which you live and work. Here are some simple tips which you are not going to want to do, but they will help you.

• Social Media: Delete your boyfriend/girlfriend from social media. Seems drastic right? But seeing their highlight reel in your feed or caving into the temptation to stalk their profile right back to 2002 is something you don’t need right now. Mute any mutual friends who hang out with them a lot, it won’t help you to see who they’re spending their birthday dinner with.
• Your Living Space: Take inspiration from every American Rom-Com ever made and gather the things they have left in your space and you need to return, don’t be tempted to keep that hoodie. As for everything else: the gifts, the cards, the framed photographs, consider whether it is helpful for them to be in your line of vision all the time. You might want to put them somewhere safe, it’s okay to throw them away, whatever helps you let go.
• Filter everything you put into your brain. By this I mean:
• • Limit your YouTube videos. Watching Jess and Gabe’s most recent trip to Disney World is not going to be helpful
  • Don’t even consider watching a Rom-Com.
  • Be intentional about the music you listen to. Are those songs reminding you of your salvation or tempting you to idolise the relationship you’ve just lost?

Heartbreak Healing Step #3: Be gentle with yourself

This is one of those things that we’d tell our best friend over and over but forget to tell ourselves. Be gentle with yourself, be patient. It’s a difficult process and it’s not straightforward. Some days you might feel great and the next day you’ll feel like you did the day after the breakup, that’s okay. Don’t repress your emotions, even if they feel silly. You’re not weak, it’s completely normal. 

In 2 Corinthians 10:5 Paul writes “we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” In the coming months you’re going to practise taking your thoughts captive every day. Little things will remind you of him/her, memories will spring to mind and you will be tempted on every side to spiral back into the gloom of wishing you were back together. Invite God into these moments, pray for protection and know that sometimes you won’t be able to listen to that song you used to sing together or hike the trail you did on your second date, yet. That’s okay. You will conquer these things one day, with Jesus as your strength. 

Don’t let anger lead to bitterness

Maybe you’re upset because you have been filled with anger and a desire for justice, even vengeance. If this is you then pray for humility. Surrender these things to God and instead pray earnestly for the person who has broken your heart. Your flesh will tell you not to pray for them but the Spirit wants to pray. Pray for their heart, pray that they would find peace and grow in wisdom. Through this process the spirit will soften your heart. It will take time but one day you will be free of this pain, be gentle with yourself in the process.

Heartbreak Healing Step #4: Soak in Jesus’ Love

Friend, when you are lying on your bed aching with the pain of being rejected, your only defence is Jesus. I say “only” but this is the greatest defence of all. Jesus is there to tell you in these moments of despair that you are unrejectable. You are unrejectable! He comforts you with the truths that you are loved, you are safe, you are accepted, you are secure, you are significant, your future is secure. 

These statements might seem unbelievable, or maybe you know them in your head but you don’t feel them in your heart. Now is the time to absolutely soak in God’s word, to fill yourself with the Spirit by praying ceaselessly and drawing close to your church family by taking every opportunity you can to worship. Your heart is open and soft because you are vulnerable right now. 

Bible verses to cling to

Zepheniah 3:17 says “for the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty saviour. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, He will calm all your fears.” Write this verse on a post-it and stick a copy by your bed, on your mirror, by the front door. Memorising verses which uplift you is like arming yourself against your sorrow. You’ll find yourself fighting off waves of sadness with the joyful truths of scripture.

The rejection you have faced and the loss you now feel will probably bring up a tidal wave of insecurities and anxieties which were hidden whilst you felt the satisfaction of having a romantic relationship. Pass these to God, pray over them. 1 Peter 5:7 says “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” God is the one who cares for you and can conquer your anxieties, not the person who has just broken your heart.

What to do now…

• Find some new Jesus content, listen to podcasts, fill your spotify with worship playlists. Welcome the joy of salvation and the knowledge of God’s love for you into your every day. 
• Write out some bible verses which speak to your soul, you might want to use the ones we’ve mentioned here, or you might want to find your own. But fill your space with them in order to fill your mind and heart.
• Carve out time every single day to read his word and pray. His word will feed the spirit and it has the power to lift you out of this darkness.

Heartbreak Healing Step #5: Re-focus on the Future

This one might seem the most distant, which is why I’ve saved it until last. Having your heart broken is like waking up inside a pitch-black tunnel. All you want is to be out of it, but it seems never-ending. You have to keep walking through and the light will show itself and suddenly you’ll be out the other side, you’ll remember the pain, even thank God that you had the pain, but you won’t be in it anymore. 

Looking to the future means praying intentionally over new ambitions which God has made newly possible for you now that you are not in a relationship. Kneel before the Lord and ask for revelation of the ways he wants you to serve him. Maybe that looks like a change of job, starting a new volunteering scheme, or donating the savings you had set aside for your wedding to a charity which is close to your heart. You don’t have to do any of these things, but it’s exciting that you can. For more ideas on embracing singleness, read this.

Suddenly you will realise that God has delivered you through this dark time. You can then look ahead to his meticulously planned future for your good and his glory. What a blessing to be granted this freedom.

In the short-term

• Consider ambitions for ways you can serve which weren’t possible when your time and future was filled with another person. 
• Chase these things, refuse to limit God’s power to move in your life. 

Let’s Conclude

God did not intend for his people to suffer heartbreak, it is another symptom of our broken world. He is not looking down at us from a distance, he has promised us himself in our pain. He weeps with us when we weep. One day he will end all crying and pain and heartbreak. But for now we can hold onto the hope we have of that great day to come. Deliverance is on the horizon, this heartache is so bad, but it is not forever. In 6 months, in a year, you will realise that you are scarred but the raw pain has passed. Your life will be full of things you don’t even know about right now. You will be okay.