Lust vs. attraction: how do we know if we’ve crossed the line? How can we have that spark in our dating relationships while honouring God?

Lust or Attraction?

I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Zac Efron. 

Was it his lack of singing ability back in 2006? His iconic ‘dancing’ on a golf course? Or the fact that he’s aged incredibly well? 

Regardless, I’d never given this ‘celebrity crush’ much thought. 

Recently however, it was brought to my attention that my fondness of Mr Efron may not be as harmless as it seems. 

Meeting or dating a famous actor is obviously not an achievable reality. Or something I ever actually wanted. Therefore my thoughts about said actor felt irrelevant. A bit of fun, a way to pass time (and singleness). 

Looking at it differently revealed some poignant questions. 

Is this any different to feelings of attraction towards someone I know? Is my childhood crush actually harbouring sin in my heart?

Fixating my attention on an attractive man who is ‘way out of reach’ enters a bit of a grey area. That’s lust vs. attraction. 

It led me to wonder – have I crossed the line?

Whether you’re a single Christian or dating (or even married), the line can get a bit blurry.

I love God and I want to become more like Jesus. But as feelings of excitement and attraction come into the mix – it’s easy to take our eyes off God and onto our human wants.

To walk in God’s will in our love lives as Christians, we need to distinguish between what’s God-given and what’s sinful.  We know that sex is for marriage and we want to approach God with a clean conscious. So we’re going to look at Lust vs. Attraction.

TL;DR: The Summary

We’ve all been given our desire for sex and intimacy by God. Managing this well takes effort and an open heart. 

Good Christian dating advice is to be honest with ourselves and our actions. 

In this blog we’ll look at where the reality of attraction ends and the territory of lust begins. 

• Lust and its lies.
• Fantasy and fiction. 
• Responding to attraction.
• Dealing with temptation.
• Have I crossed the line?

Lust is a sin

Undeniably, lust is a sin, and it’s not a sin that goes away when you’re dating either (you’ll have to overcome sexual temptation in dating too!). The Bible makes this really clear. I’d argue it’s also a sin because we see humanity struggle with it throughout history. 

Photiphar’s wife and her lustful requests make things tricky for Joesph. There’s the famous story of David and Bethsheba. 

And apostles wrote to many churches, urging them to turn away from sexual sin. Like the church of the Thessalonians. 

Today we have a plethora of TV shows from competitions, reality TV, fantasy and period drama. All of which sensationalise lust for entertainment and escape. 

But something we often get wrong is creating a hierarchy for sin. That some sin is bigger or worse than others. Lust being one of these ‘big’ sins. 

I can see why. The repercussions are significant. Not just on relationships but also in a spiritual sense. Lust pushes out space for our love of God. It ignores His design and plan for love lived out this side of eternity too. 

But Jesus died on the cross for the sake of all of our sins.

…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

(Romans 3:23) 

Many feel the weight of sin and shame, especially in the area of lust. This makes people hide, repeat behaviour and walk away from God.

Jesus came to set us free from sin and shame. Every sin had to be defeated by Jesus’ blood shed on the Cross. Be it gossip or adultery. He has defeated sin and is inviting us to live in the freedom He has bought us. 

As you discern the difference between lust vs. attraction, be cautious. Don’t use this as a stick to beat yourself with. Nor a way to let yourself off the hook. Come before God, confess what is weighing on your heart and take steps to walk in His freedom by following Him.

Lust and its lies

We often assume that lust is purely the action taken on the feeling of attraction. 

But lust is also separate from attraction. Yes, our feeling of sexual attraction can turn into lust. But lust is so far removed from what God created attraction to be. It must be something else. 

• Lust takes a thought, feeling, action or person and makes an object of it. It turns a ‘someone’ into a ‘something’. 

• Lust promotes the self. “I want this.” “I need this.” “I can’t cope without this.” It has no thought for the other. It pursues selfish intent. 

• Lust uses obsession to drive our desire for possession. 

This is why lust is a lie. God’s creation is not an object to be used. God didn’t make us to soak in our own self interest. God did not give us free will to give ourselves glory or power.  

These distortions make it clear that lust is used by the enemy to pull us away from God and cause harm.

So you can identify when lust has entered the picture when you recognise some of the above intentions. Equally lust is evident when:

• You feel controlled by it.
• You believe lies over God’s truth.
• You feel there is no other option. 

I know, this is heavy stuff. Lust doesn’t always come in big waves or dramatic circumstances though. Small thoughts and actions can let lust in too.

Lust vs. Attraction: Fantasy and fiction

What encourages lust the most is the indulgence of fantasy or fiction in our minds. 

Lust is the pursuit of pleasure and joy out of what is not ours to have. This can be really tricky to handle when you enter the dating scene as a single Christian or if you’ve chosen to save sex for marriage. But people struggle with lust in a variety of scenarios. 

This is mostly because our world encourages it all the time!

The world tells us to keep striving for what we want. That absolutely anything we desire can be ours. We see this in film, media, magazines and more. 

Unfortunately women have been fed this through romantic comedies and novels for years. They have been told that a perfect, dashing, sexually athletic man is out there. He will go to extreme lengths to be with them. Hence my brain being wired to thoughts of Zac Efron even since his High School Musical days. 

These stories almost always glorify infidelity. This is all over cinema. The couple we are routing for – one or both are actually cheating. You’ve Got Mail, Enchanted, Letters to Juliet plus more. 

Typically men have been encouraged to pursue this fantasy through pornography (more on that later). 

As Christians, God calls us to; ‘Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things’ (Colossians 3:2). It’s really hard to do this when we let fantasy run wild and rent free in our minds. 

Lust vs. Attraction: Responding to attraction

Attraction (in this context, sexual attraction) comes from God. He made us for relationship and our feelings of attraction guide us to this. 

One of the key contributors to our experience of attraction are our senses. The sight of more skin, the smell of perfume or cologne, the sound of their voice. There’s a lot going on behind the scenes in our bodies when we find someone attractive. TED-Ed’s video on The Science of Attraction is an interesting watch on this. 

Though a scientific approach might seem to rid the fun or romance, it does make a lot of sense. God created sex with the purpose of bringing new life into the world. So, sensing a good match to reproduce with seems wise. Especially if we do this without even noticing. 

It also explains why these physical feelings or senses for sexual attraction can be so strong.

Feelings

But beyond this, attraction involves two other important factors. Our feelings play a big role. When we are attracted to someone we experience a flurry of feelings. The excitement, adrenaline, pleasure, happiness, safety or validation. These drive us to keep seeking out that feeling for increased satisfaction. 

Then there’s our desire. We all have a longing deep down to be loved. God placed this longing in our hearts so we would draw close to Him. Our desire to be intimate with someone else is part of our design. 

Sexual attraction therefore is a great thing. We can find someone attractive for a number of things also. The obvious physical attributes as well as someone’s personality, traits, status or faith.

How we respond to this attraction is where the question of ‘the line’ appears. 

There are attractive people in this world and most likely you will experience these feelings of attraction in your life. Likely, if you’re looking to date as a single Christian or you are in a Christian dating relationship – you’re already familiar with this. 

God wants you to experience happiness, joy and pleasure in your life. This includes sex! God’s plan is for this to be experienced in marriage with just one person. Crucially though, with the right intention. 

Our intention when it comes to sexual attraction should always be to honour, respect and love the other person. Anything opposing this is not God’s plan. 

This often means laying down our immediate wants and desires to wait for God to place you in the right context to express this attraction. We are called to act with intention rather than reaction. 

When we take action on our feelings of sexual attraction before the time is right, this takes healthy attraction into selfishness – leading us toward lust.

Be wary

It’s easy to believe then that having lustful thoughts are okay as long as we don’t act on them. Surely thoughts are fine? But St Paul reminds us to ‘take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ’ (2 Corinthians 10:5). Lustful thoughts tell you to forget God’s plan all together. Feelings of sexual attraction however can be controlled and managed through obedience to God.

Lust vs. Attraction: Dealing with sexual temptation

It becomes clear that lust is a reality that many might, or do, face. It’s so easy to be led down this road by the world, by people we date or by ourselves. 

When we notice this we must prioritise dealing with the temptation. 

Come to God 

The book of James tells us:

…humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.

(James 4:7-8)

As we become aware of the temptations that surround us we have two choices. To stay on that path or turn back to God. Here we see the great promise in the latter. God will come close to you. 

Nothing you have thought, said or done will separate you from God because of what Jesus has accomplished on the Cross! Even if you’re just concerned that lust may become an issue for you, humble yourself before God. Pray and ask for His grace. 

When we come to God we are given strength to resist the schemes of the enemy! 

Remove the source 

This one is tricky. Choosing a lifestyle that honours God’s will over the world, is hard to do. If you feel lust is controlling you then removing what triggers you is important. 

Consider taking a break from dating apps, if they’re not helpful right now. We know they can be a stumbling block. Read more on ‘The Sin of Dating Apps‘.

If God is asking you to let go of lust in your life, are the things in your life (thoughts, actions, content, people etc) helping or making it harder?

Heal the heart

Likely some damage control will be needed too. Sin takes our soul’s joy, it gets in the way of our relationship with God and it can impact our wellbeing too. 

This is most clearly shown in pornography use. Many people use porn to deal with, or live out, their lustful desires. With the hope that this will bring them pleasure and sexual satisfaction. 

But consuming porn is associated with poorer mental health, lower self esteem, poorer body image and increased loneliness (according to Fight the New Drug).

Whether our hurt hearts come from porn use, or other actions or consequences of lustful behaviour – we need to heal. Separating ourselves from the lies we have believed and lived is the first step. God wants to renew and mend our hearts. He restores every heart that is broken! Use this worship song for your time with God and allow Him to minister to you.

Check out our other blog about how to overcome sexual temptation.

Lust vs. Attraction: Have I crossed the line?

Hopefully what we’ve discussed in this blog has helped you decide where you land on the lust vs attraction scale. 

If you’re aware of crossing the line don’t stay silent. You may have read this and felt shame about obsessive thoughts, porn use, or even cheating. The best thing to do is to find a trusted Christian to talk to. A friend, family member or priest/minister pastor/mentor can journey with you in prayer if you are struggling. 

For all of us, we have the opportunity to embrace grace. To reduce fear in Christian dating. Instead we can love others well by accepting that sin is a something we all experience. Let’s become more like Jesus and say no to judgement!

Let’s Conclude

My encouragement to you is that no one is perfect. Remember;

…all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

(Romans 3:23) 

To deal with lust we need to:

• Remove the lies of lust and fantasy in our minds.
• Embrace God’s great design for sexual attraction given to us by God and follow His plan for it. 
• Bring our awareness to the temptations with God’s help. 

The even better news is that we are free!

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

(John 8:36)

So Jesus wants you to live life without lust so he can bless you with life in its fullness!

In your dating, focus on honour, respect and love and may you receive it back fully too.